SAHM with kids in school? Dealing with judgement?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s weird, I read about this kind of thing on here but in real life all I get are “aren’t you lucky” type comments.

The people I know irl seem to be irritated or hassled by at least one aspect of their jobs though. It’s only in DCUM that people LOVE their jobs so much that they’d continue working after winning the lottery.

+1

I haven't dealt with outward judgement, as there are quite a few long-term SAHMs in my neighborhood.

However, as the years wear on, I notice that I've lost several close friends from earlier stages in my life. The cold reality is that, everywhere other than DCUM, having a dual WOHP household is very much a miserable grind. What's typically happened with some old friends is that they hit some difficult situation, and despite me trying to do everything I can to be supportive, they'll lash out in some way or other. I think our lives just look too different right now and when the going gets tough, they're resentful that they're not better situated. I have found this to happen even when I'm dramatically supportive of my friends who are going through a tough time. I'm very aware that anything can happen and that it could be me one day. For example, I had a friend move in after her divorce. I tried to help the most I could, but I just don't feel like she wanted to be supported by someone in a situation she envied. Same story with another close friend who fell on very hard times due to a job loss and some health issues.

It sucks. When women know you don't work, it seems to be all they see. What helps, I find, is that I play it very close to the vest that I don't really work. I still technically do some very, very, very part-time consulting in my old field - which is a profitable niche - so I just talk about that when I'm asked what I do. I explain that I work part-time, and mostly from home. I can still talk a blue streak about my old field, so casual acquaintances aren't really the wiser.

Pretty sure you’ve already posted this.

Lol. Nope.

Then you have a life twin who can’t keep friends over 40 because her life is awesome and theirs suck.

Oooh it does sound kind of like her!

Whether the other PP or not, I would agree that some friends get weird when you are doing better than them, even though of course “doing better” fluctuates.

Anyone can hit a rough patch but as I get older I avoid people likely to end up in high drama situations. I’d be there all day long for a steady friend who got blindsided by life but avoid the types who make bad decisions or who always seem to have one issue or another due to outlook and mentality - being there for people like this is always thankless and not reciprocated, I’ve found.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:But seriously, OP, what do you do all day? Do you have some sort of hobby or volunteer gig that takes up your time?

I’m a PP and I’ll repeat what I wrote above. Why is that anyone’s business how she chooses to spend her days?

[Anonymous]

I've had some friends with interesting, dynamic careers who I think question my decision to SAH because (1) they think I am capable of having and enjoying an enriching career and (2) they want me to be as fulfilled as they are. I have also felt a little depressed after such conversations because, while I am confident that they are speaking out of kindness, it can feel like she is saying "you're not enough," or "you're not reaching your potential." I let it go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s weird, I read about this kind of thing on here but in real life all I get are “aren’t you lucky” type comments.

The people I know irl seem to be irritated or hassled by at least one aspect of their jobs though. It’s only in DCUM that people LOVE their jobs so much that they’d continue working after winning the lottery.

+1

I haven't dealt with outward judgement, as there are quite a few long-term SAHMs in my neighborhood.

However, as the years wear on, I notice that I've lost several close friends from earlier stages in my life. The cold reality is that, everywhere other than DCUM, having a dual WOHP household is very much a miserable grind. What's typically happened with some old friends is that they hit some difficult situation, and despite me trying to do everything I can to be supportive, they'll lash out in some way or other. I think our lives just look too different right now and when the going gets tough, they're resentful that they're not better situated. I have found this to happen even when I'm dramatically supportive of my friends who are going through a tough time. I'm very aware that anything can happen and that it could be me one day. For example, I had a friend move in after her divorce. I tried to help the most I could, but I just don't feel like she wanted to be supported by someone in a situation she envied. Same story with another close friend who fell on very hard times due to a job loss and some health issues.

It sucks. When women know you don't work, it seems to be all they see. What helps, I find, is that I play it very close to the vest that I don't really work. I still technically do some very, very, very part-time consulting in my old field - which is a profitable niche - so I just talk about that when I'm asked what I do. I explain that I work part-time, and mostly from home. I can still talk a blue streak about my old field, so casual acquaintances aren't really the wiser.

If this keeps happening to you, it is definitely your friends and not you.

[Anonymous]

Unfortunately, women tend to judge other women's life choices more than men. There seems to be judgment on all sides-judgment of working mothers, judgment of SAHM's and judgement of women who don't have kids. You can't win. Its sucks. Yet another area in life where it's easier to be a man...less judgment.

[Anonymous]

I became a SAHM after being a working mother for 5 years and wow is it eye opening how differently some women will treat you.

We are not wealthy by DCUM standards (HHI of $200k) and have one child in an independent school, so one one income, things are tighter than they used to be, but we still contribute to both retirement accounts and save. We eat out a lot less and took 2 weeks of vacations this year instead of the 4 weeks did in the past. I also shop a lot less.

Based on these lifestyle changes, I've received many critical and intrusive comments from friends and acquaintances about our choices. What people don't know is that I have suffered for years from some debilitating mental health issues and this change has been life changing for our family. We are all happier and healthier than we've ever been. My DH and I have chosen to keep my personal health information private, but it would be nice if people could give other humans a little bit of grace.

One thing I noticed right away when I became a SAHM is that you cannot ever complain in any way about having a hard day. WOHM will not stand for it. I try to keep under the radar and not appear too perfect, because otherwise more people will have something nasty to say.

[Anonymous]

I am not OP,
My daily schedule:
Monday:
Breakfast,pack Lunches, and walk kids to bus stop.
Dishes, clean house, laundry,make Lunch or dinner.
Read, take online class and rest.
Pick up kids from the bus stop and serve snacks and help with homework.
Drive kids to dance class and drive back home.
Dinner, dishes and and family time before kids take showers and get ready for bed. Read stories to my kindergarten and light out.
It's 8:30pm, clean up kitchen and set kids clothes for next day.
Take my shower and read more before bed! I am super tired by 10pm.

Happy reading and repeat and Rinse the rest of the week. Saturday and Sunday dh takes over. Thank God.

[Anonymous]

I literally would say, “why would I work if I don’t need the money? YOLO.”

[Anonymous]

Slightly related - I just went PT. I get so many confused looks at work when I explain it. I have been at my employer for 18 yrs. People can't seem to undertand that I have things I value more. I am lucky I can afford to cut a few hours a week. I'm grateful. They all look at me like there must be some back story where I f'd up or something. It's irritating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She’s a wack job. Don’t mind her.

Depending on the audience I say I’m retired and not going back to work (which is true for the moment) but in all honesty, it doesn’t even make financial sense for me to work bc any amount I would bring would make us pay more in taxes than what I’d end up so just say that...that it doesn’t benefit you financially for you to work.

Or I say DH travels too much so it makes sense for me to be home but really it’s nobody’s business. Anyone who questions you is either insecure or jealous or is too cheap. I’ve heard people say it’s a complete waste of my education etc but I just ignore it and don’t let it get to me.

This would only be accurate if we had a 101 % or more tax bracket and we don’t

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I literally would say, “why would I work if I don’t need the money? YOLO.”

Because people most likely know that isn’t true.

[Anonymous]

I’m a SAHM and I hear crap like this once in a while but never from a friend because she would no longer be a friend. In addition to being a SAHM we have bought fixed and flipped two places over the last 5 years and we have made a lot of money. My DH has not had anything to do with the fixing and flipping. In a few years when I have time to breathe I plan to do this as a business. I’m proud of what I do and being a SAHM is part of it. But I am more than just a SAHM.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband and I were both professionals with demanding jobs before my husband retired. He retired young from a government job, and we moved to a quieter area. He’s now working a job related to a hobby, and I’m currently staying home. It works for us, and I’m genuinely happy. I can honestly say that I’ve been asked the “when are you going back to work” and “what do you do all day” questions, but I’ve never felt outwardly judged before today.

An acquaintance basically told me that I need to ‘get it together and find a job, even if it does pay peanuts’. Although I never like to or feel the need to defend my choices to anyone, after I explained the ways my not currently working benefit our family, I was met with how ‘it must be terrible for my husband to buy his own Christmas and birthday gifts’. At the time, I was laughing inside, because what an odd response. But she persisted, and went on and on about the ways her working benefited her family, none of which are applicable to our situation. In the end, she rolled her eyes and changed the subject.

It was such an odd interaction. As someone who has been on both ends of the spectrum, I can see the motivation for both sides. I’d never judge, because I’ve been there. But I can’t wrap my head around this woman’s motivation for attacking me to my face. Anyone experience this before?

(Also, if you’re coming here to troll and bash SAHM, you needn’t respond. I will pass right by your comment and I encourage others to do the same.)

Ignore.

I'm about to leave my 300k/yr job and my kids are in 4th and 8th grade. I'm not leaving for the kids, they are quite old enough to not need me at home when they are at school. I'm leaving because I'm sick of working.

I'm not sure why you people get to bent around the axle over what other petty, nosy people think. Maybe I'll feel differently when I have time to think about such petty nonsense.

[Anonymous]

She’s jealous. And rude! I’d have a hard time staying friends with someone who was so resentful of me and my life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I literally would say, “why would I work if I don’t need the money? YOLO.”

Because people most likely know that isn’t true.

I’m not sure what your background is, but this is true for many.