19 year gap - Will everything be okay?

[Anonymous]

And based on many other posts on this board about inlaws and parents and grandparents there are actually many posters who know people over 60 who are still independent, driving, mobile, continent, and able to engage in social and recreational activities and who don’t require a caregiver to manage basic activities of daily living.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:And based on many other posts on this board about inlaws and parents and grandparents there are actually many posters who know people over 60 who are still independent, driving, mobile, continent, and able to engage in social and recreational activities and who don’t require a caregiver to manage basic activities of daily living.

NP. This is the vast majority of people I know (in my 50+ years of life). I’ve also known younger people who need caregivers due to unforeseen things; life is unpredictable.

The biggest issue with a 19 year age gap is a difference in life stages. And even cultural references; I really appreciate that my DH came of age in the 80s like I did - same music, films, traditions, events, etc

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And based on many other posts on this board about inlaws and parents and grandparents there are actually many posters who know people over 60 who are still independent, driving, mobile, continent, and able to engage in social and recreational activities and who don’t require a caregiver to manage basic activities of daily living.

NP. This is the vast majority of people I know (in my 50+ years of life). I’ve also known younger people who need caregivers due to unforeseen things; life is unpredictable.

The biggest issue with a 19 year age gap is a difference in life stages. And even cultural references; I really appreciate that my DH came of age in the 80s like I did - same music, films, traditions, events, etc

+1

At 27 & 46, what are they talking about and how do they relate to each other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:...I’ve dated guys who’ve had even more money than he does, so money isn’t why I’m attracted to him, I just like who he is...

You're 27 and have dated this guy 1.5 years, so starting around age 25. But prior to 25, you dated guyS who've had even more money than 26M?

So you were 21 or 23 (obviously busy in college) dating random wealthy guys, who somehow shared their investment portfolio with you, and you saw they had 50M or 100M?

This is BS! And so is your insisting that it isn't the money you're attracted to, you just like "who he is". Except "who he is", is a divorced dad of 2 teens - who you don't want to step-parent. So of the two major descriptors of his life - parent and wealthy - neither of those appeal to you. He's just a down-to-earth nice guy who appreciates poetry.

I think this whole discussion topic is made up BS!

"His kids (17/g & 14/b) like me (though some might think I’m closer in maturity to them, I’m more aligned with him in terms of maturity and life perspective)."

If this whole thing isn't BS, I want you to write this down and tuck it in your sock drawer and read it in 10 or 15 years. Whether you're married to him or not, you will have a good laugh and eyeroll at how immature you were back at age 27. And that you thought your "life perspective" matched that of a 46yo divorced dad.

OP: I’ve dated 30+ men since I was 19. Some were wealthy, some were not. I’ve never sought out men with money. The one commonality among the men I’ve dated is age, not wealth.

I’m from DC originally and currently on the West Coast, so I’ve been exposed to people from a wide range of backgrounds. What I’m attracted to is who someone is as a person. Yes, he’s a divorced dad, but he’s also a nice guy which is why I’m still dating him even though I’m 90% sure I don’t want to marry him.

If I didn’t genuinely like him and were only motivated by money or status, I wouldn’t be dating him — I’d still be dating some of the men I dated previously.

** I’ve dated men aged 30+ since 19, five including my current boyfriend.

I see you, daddy issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:What kind of family and friends do you all have that everyone 65 plus is an invalid requiring full time caregiving?

I don't know any 65 year olds who are dependent on their spouse and unable to care for themselves.

Lots of ageism in this thread!

Nobody on this thread suggested anything like the bolded, which is a stupid overgeneralization. But there's a big biological shift that happens around age 60 that makes people more susceptible to a variety of chronic and acute diseases which could require significant care, the likelihood of which progressively increases from there. These include metabolic syndrome, cardiovascular issues, kidney disease, and a susceptibility to flu or other viral illnesses that could result in long term health issues. And of course, there are cancers and dementia risks. This is also the age when genetic predispositions and habits really affect quality of life.

Not that my anecdote or yours matter much, but FWIW, my aunt is only 10 years younger than my uncle, and she has been a caregiver for both him and her 90 year old mother (who both live with her) for over a decade now. It has taken a big toll on her own health, and she looks mid-70s instead of 62. This is such a common scenario that it's not really noteworthy.

https://med.stanford.edu/news/all-news/2024/08/massive-biomolecular-shifts-occur-in-our-40s-and-60s--stanford-m.html

Multiple posters have said that these younger wives will be caregivers by the time their spouses are in their 60s. I will look into more research but where I live, many people work past 60. Many are still active and independent. I was responding to the posts that people by their 60s will be dependent on these younger wives for caregiving - as I just don't see that at all in society. It is an ageist view to see anyone over 60 as a helpless person in need of caregiving because they are clearly so old that they can't do anything by themselves and their wives will need to do all their care. Maybe I live in a healthy area compared to most but I don't see those in their 60s needing caregivers just by virtue of their age.

No, they were pointing out that he'll be 70 by the time their kids would graduate from school and at that point, when they should be enjoying being empty nesters, OP would end up being a caretaker. Not when he was in his 60s.

He is 46. His kids would graduate high school at 18. He doesn't turn 70 for 24 more years. And I would also contend that the majority of 70 year olds don't need caregivers either.

Do you agree that he would be way slower, will have different interests, older friends circle than his 50 yo wife?

I disagree he will need someone to change his diapers in 20 years, I disagree he will be receiving elder care in 20 years, I disagree he will need his wife to drive him around in 20 years, I disagree he will be unable to engage in any shared activities or hobbies or social activities in 20 years. Those are the types of comments in this thread I disagree with. The view by many that by your mid 60s, you are no longer able to maintain any independence or have any quality of life. That your spouse will be your full time caregiver as by your mid 60s, there is little you can do on your own.

Hi Grandpa, you've lost a step or two...or 10. Get out of denial.

[Anonymous]

Op you probably havent read this far.

But if you have, run.

He may not be a pedo but he has pedo tendencies. He will never see you as anything near an equal and never wants to. He feeds off the unknown power differential in that he has manipulated you into thinking you actually chose him.

Happens all the time to educated women.

You were his secret to some other woman while he groomed you. If you continue, you will be ignoring the same patterns that you will eventually be on the other side of.

While you age, he will introduce a new secret "baby doll". and when you get old enough to figure it all out, resources drained, beauty diminshed, distracted by carreer and kids... he will replace you.

dont do it. run.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And based on many other posts on this board about inlaws and parents and grandparents there are actually many posters who know people over 60 who are still independent, driving, mobile, continent, and able to engage in social and recreational activities and who don’t require a caregiver to manage basic activities of daily living.

NP. This is the vast majority of people I know (in my 50+ years of life). I’ve also known younger people who need caregivers due to unforeseen things; life is unpredictable.

The biggest issue with a 19 year age gap is a difference in life stages. And even cultural references; I really appreciate that my DH came of age in the 80s like I did - same music, films, traditions, events, etc

Agree. The thing, too, is when he’s in his 80s, when his health may worsen, she’ll only be in her 60s. She will miss out on some good years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a 45 year old woman and I dated someone 15 years older when I was in my 20s. At the time, I thought he was amazing. With time, I have come to realize how terrible immature and emotionally stunted he was. While this may not be something you can connect with now, I will also say that I have friends with husbands in their 50s and 60s, and some seemed to age very quickly in a very short amount of time. This means you could end up married to and caring for an old man who doesn't have the energy, drive, or desire to engage with life that you will have. Yes, you will get older too, but there is a lot to be said about acknowledging values and weaknesses (and strengths) of different phases of live, and recognizing that you and he will change considerably as you move through some of these.

If I were your aunt or friend, I would advise you to break this off, though I know how difficult that can be at your age. Could you consider seeing other people for a time as well?

All of this. Very well said.

Is he in excellent shape for 45? what about his financial status? He doesn't have to be mega-wealthy, but at 45 his earning power is likely peaking. He doesn't have 20 more years to advance. I don't say that be money-grubbing, but to be very practical and clear eyed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:And based on many other posts on this board about inlaws and parents and grandparents there are actually many posters who know people over 60 who are still independent, driving, mobile, continent, and able to engage in social and recreational activities and who don’t require a caregiver to manage basic activities of daily living.

no one is talking about 60. He will be 70 when kids are in college. Then what. There will be no empty next. period.

[Anonymous]

It’s not so much the age gap, but the kids. His money is theirs. You’ll be supporting him and them.

[Anonymous]

I don’t think the problem is the physical age. I know lots of people in their 70s in great shape.

The problem is he’s a complete creeper, emotionally stunted weirdo that he would be focused on dating so much younger. Alternatively, he doesn’t see you as a partner at all; just a F buddy who looks pretty on his arm and lets him talk and takes care of him. Because there is no world where a man at his age would have a natural and equal and healthy partnership with someone ops age. Either he’s mentally screwed up, or it’s not an equal partnership.

[Anonymous]

In my 30s, I wanted a lot of sex; I doubt any over-50-year-old could keep up. It is an important part of marriage and I could not imagine going without.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:And based on many other posts on this board about inlaws and parents and grandparents there are actually many posters who know people over 60 who are still independent, driving, mobile, continent, and able to engage in social and recreational activities and who don’t require a caregiver to manage basic activities of daily living.

Whatever. He will need a caregiver two decades earlier than someone her own age on average, that is indisputable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And based on many other posts on this board about inlaws and parents and grandparents there are actually many posters who know people over 60 who are still independent, driving, mobile, continent, and able to engage in social and recreational activities and who don’t require a caregiver to manage basic activities of daily living.

no one is talking about 60. He will be 70 when kids are in college. Then what. There will be no empty next. period.

+1 just as OP has sent her kid to college she still won't be free because her elderly DH will have slowed down a lot.

I'm about to send my youngest to college. I'm 55; DH is 61. We are still young and active enough to go on travel adventures together for a good 5. Then, we'll probably have to slow down our travel, but at least I won't be a caregiver.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think the problem is the physical age. I know lots of people in their 70s in great shape.

The problem is he’s a complete creeper, emotionally stunted weirdo that he would be focused on dating so much younger. Alternatively, he doesn’t see you as a partner at all; just a F buddy who looks pretty on his arm and lets him talk and takes care of him. Because there is no world where a man at his age would have a natural and equal and healthy partnership with someone ops age. Either he’s mentally screwed up, or it’s not an equal partnership.

I know a lot of people in their 70s in great shape also. But their lives don’t look the same as they did at age 50. Even the people I know who still travel extensively are doing this in between having a knee replacement, thinking about a hearing aide, etc. And 70 seems like the magic number where things start to cascade downward. If something goes really wrong, most people in their 70s aren’t bouncing back as quickly as a 50 year old would.

There are many, many reasons not to marry this guy. First, second marriages have a higher divorce rate. Second, she will be a stepmom, which is very hard for most people (and often why second marriages end in divorce). Third, she will have a much higher potential disability rate for her kids. The odds of her going from kids in the home to caregiving pretty darn quickly are relatively high. And let’s not even get started on the problematic nature of guys who still want to date twenty something’s for decades. Few of them are winners that are in it for the long haul.