So tired of MIL acting like she’s the hostess in my home

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:OP, you are a bad host. You obviously refuse to take responsibility as to why your MIL feels compelled to offer guests food. BECAUSE THEY ARE STARVING!!!!!!!!!!!@

You really need to take some medication. No one is starving at 3pm and requires wine and snacks. But go on with your crazy self. It’s amusing.

You're gaslighting. This hostess needs the meds for her severe OCD and rigid meal restrictions.

I’m gaslighting someone who posted in all caps that at 3pm, people are starving followed by 10 exclamation marks when none of that was true? Really? Yeah, no. Please enlighten us to the post where OP has rigid meal restrictions and where she says no one can eat outside of the regular meal times. What page and time stamp?

Un read the OP its right there. Not at 3. Only at 5 when the host will serve those things.

OPEN KITCHEN.

God almighty, you people cannot read.

Exactly. So mil was helping herself and others who were hungry. Because the kitchen was open.

NP. How do you know “others were hungry”? My sister has a crazy MIL who tries to do things like this and is always bustling about and extremely nosy. If she was doing that kind of crap in my sister’s kitchen, I would probably accept a glass of water but try to re-direct her away from setting out what I knew was the sangria my sister made for a holiday party. Some people just cannot relax and are constantly making their anxiety someone else’s problem. It’s annoying.

OP didn’t say they weren’t. She’s just mad mil embarrassed her and her poor hosting skills.

NP and it is not "poor hosting skills" to provide open access to your kitchen, but to have a few items earmarked for specific times, like dinner food or like shrimp or artichoke dip for cocktail hour. And yes lots of people pick out specific wines to pair with dinners, especially holiday dinners.

Can you quote where dinner and ear marked things were served other than wine? OP was mad people ate at 3 and not at 5 because she was totally inflexible.

It's right here in the original post:
She starts offering people wine and snacks at 3 p.m., when DH and I serve those things at 5 p.m. Then she gets miffed when DH says “No, mom, we’re going to do X and Y at 5 o’clock, and that wine is actually for dinner.”

For me, getting yourself a little something if you're hungry at 3 is totally fine, but unilaterally deciding that you want to put out whatever the cocktail hour items are at 3 is rude. You don't get to decide to play hostess in someone else's house. Would you seriously do this? In my family, when we have holiday gatherings, we do special cocktail hours that have like hot dips and special cocktails. It would be beyond rude for someone to just decide it's time to bust out the winter sangria that the hostess had specially prepared at 3, or get out the marcona almonds and artichoke dip that was meant for cocktail hour.

Snacks. Not lasagna not cake. Snacks.

Oh, so is hot dip to be served at cocktail hour a "snack"? If I made artichoke dip for appetizers before Thanksgiving dinner and you scooped some into a bowl for yourself at 11 a.m., you would be seen as very odd in my family. And if you weren't family, you'd never be invited back. We don't socialize with rude people who have no basic grasp of manners.

Start your own thread about the time this happened. Stop derailing.

NP and either all food and beverages in a host's "open kitchen" are fair game, or they aren't. Sorry, you have to pick a lane. OP was not annoyed at MIL for making herself a snack if she was hungry, she was annoyed that MIL decided to declare happy hour at 3 p.m. Most of us side with OP, thinking that is way overstepping. Sorry you can't deal.

Mmm read the thread again. Most don’t agree. No food was available. The kitchen wasn’t open.

OP was not hosting a party comprised of quadriplegics. Got arms and legs? Go to the kitchen and grab some pretzels. Food was available.

No kidding? So why is she mad?

If you don’t understand after 20 pages, you’re a hopeless boor…

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:OP, you are a bad host. You obviously refuse to take responsibility as to why your MIL feels compelled to offer guests food. BECAUSE THEY ARE STARVING!!!!!!!!!!!@

You really need to take some medication. No one is starving at 3pm and requires wine and snacks. But go on with your crazy self. It’s amusing.

You're gaslighting. This hostess needs the meds for her severe OCD and rigid meal restrictions.

I’m gaslighting someone who posted in all caps that at 3pm, people are starving followed by 10 exclamation marks when none of that was true? Really? Yeah, no. Please enlighten us to the post where OP has rigid meal restrictions and where she says no one can eat outside of the regular meal times. What page and time stamp?

Un read the OP its right there. Not at 3. Only at 5 when the host will serve those things.

OPEN KITCHEN.

God almighty, you people cannot read.

Exactly. So mil was helping herself and others who were hungry. Because the kitchen was open.

NP. How do you know “others were hungry”? My sister has a crazy MIL who tries to do things like this and is always bustling about and extremely nosy. If she was doing that kind of crap in my sister’s kitchen, I would probably accept a glass of water but try to re-direct her away from setting out what I knew was the sangria my sister made for a holiday party. Some people just cannot relax and are constantly making their anxiety someone else’s problem. It’s annoying.

Nailed it.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:OP, you are a bad host. You obviously refuse to take responsibility as to why your MIL feels compelled to offer guests food. BECAUSE THEY ARE STARVING!!!!!!!!!!!@

You really need to take some medication. No one is starving at 3pm and requires wine and snacks. But go on with your crazy self. It’s amusing.

You're gaslighting. This hostess needs the meds for her severe OCD and rigid meal restrictions.

I’m gaslighting someone who posted in all caps that at 3pm, people are starving followed by 10 exclamation marks when none of that was true? Really? Yeah, no. Please enlighten us to the post where OP has rigid meal restrictions and where she says no one can eat outside of the regular meal times. What page and time stamp?

Un read the OP its right there. Not at 3. Only at 5 when the host will serve those things.

OP has also said several times she has an OPEN KITCHEN POLICY.

Everyone is welcome to help themselves with the exception of MIL.

I’m going to type very slowly for you, in hopes that it will aid you in reading comprehension, since clearly that is an area of struggle for you.

No, you are incorrect.
MIL may get HERSELF food from the open kitchen.
She may not be a ridiculous, insufferable, attention seeking person who loudly takes over and pretends to be the hostess, while “serving” food and wine to other guests which is already planned for its use at another time.
She also may not tell OP that food and drinks exist, and that OP can have them, which OP bought and prepared.

Do you get it now?

No because its polite to offer things to others if you are going to the kitchen and are up already. Jesus, the manners are appalling here. If OP was on the ball she would have already done it.

That’s not what happened and you know it, but since you’ll continue to double down on your nonsense, I won’t waste any more keystrokes on you.

Now he predictable and say something like “Thank God! Lol!”

.

We have wildly different interpretations of what happened based on limited info. Im happy to err on the side of feeding people and being hospitable is never wrong.

NP. “Hospitable” is offering three meals and one cocktail hour a day, and making sure people know they are welcome to go get cheese and crackers or a sandwich or some fruit or chips if they are hungry between meals. OP has done that: check.

Being a good GUEST means—when you are helping yourself in the kitchen—avoiding the specialty items that have been clearly made or purchased to be served during meal times or cocktail hour. Would you really open your hosts’ NYE caviar the day before at a random time when you wanted a snack? Really? Would you cut out a portion of the lasagna for that night’s dinner and nuke it for yourself at 3 p.m.? Really?

Don’t host people if you begrudge them snacks in your “open” kitchen.

I haven't posted in this thread yet, but I wanted to say it's really interesting and telling that you won't answer the bolded questions. Do you understand the difference between making yourself a sandwich or some cheese and fruit, and taking a portion of the lasagna that your hosts planned to serve that night for dinner and heating it up for yourself as a snack at 3 p.m.? You seem unable to answer this question. Why is that?

Eating dinner is some fantasy you made up. Doesn’t deserve a response.

You still won't answer the question. So apparently to you if there is an open kitchen, all food is up for grabs at any time. Yes or no? Yes or no, it's fine to eat the ginger cheesecake your hostess made for Christmas dinner at 1 o'clock by yourself. Yes or no?

Yep the snacks are to be eaten whenever. Guess we can agree to disagree.

Wow, you're rude. If someone takes the time to make a beautiful cheesecake for Christmas dinner, you'll eat it the day before at 2 because it looked good and you were a little hungry. Wow, so glad you are not a member of my family or my husband's family! I've honestly never encountered such a rude houseguest or dinner party guest, thankfully.

+1,000

[Anonymous]

My in-laws come into the kitchen while I’m preparing the charcuterie and start eating it before it’s finished being assembled. They don’t ask to help chop, just start munching as I’m putting food on the tray. Totally rude.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My in-laws come into the kitchen while I’m preparing the charcuterie and start eating it before it’s finished being assembled. They don’t ask to help chop, just start munching as I’m putting food on the tray. Totally rude.

That sounds like they feel like family. I don't find that odd. You sound very formal.

The rest of this thread is pure gold. Keep 'em coming.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like she feels like she should be sharing hosting duties as the MIL, but she doesn't actually want or know how to do that, so she "helps" by offering the things you've already prepared on her own timeline.

I agree, it's annoying. Don't think there's much you can do, other than the gentle corrections you've described so far.

The people in the thread saying you're a terrible hostess because you don't have a constantly-refreshed full open bar buffet like a cruise ship or a Vegas casino are bending over backwards in order to be contrarian. You're clearly in the right.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:OP, you are a bad host. You obviously refuse to take responsibility as to why your MIL feels compelled to offer guests food. BECAUSE THEY ARE STARVING!!!!!!!!!!!@

You really need to take some medication. No one is starving at 3pm and requires wine and snacks. But go on with your crazy self. It’s amusing.

You're gaslighting. This hostess needs the meds for her severe OCD and rigid meal restrictions.

I’m gaslighting someone who posted in all caps that at 3pm, people are starving followed by 10 exclamation marks when none of that was true? Really? Yeah, no. Please enlighten us to the post where OP has rigid meal restrictions and where she says no one can eat outside of the regular meal times. What page and time stamp?

Un read the OP its right there. Not at 3. Only at 5 when the host will serve those things.

OPEN KITCHEN.

God almighty, you people cannot read.

Exactly. So mil was helping herself and others who were hungry. Because the kitchen was open.

NP. How do you know “others were hungry”? My sister has a crazy MIL who tries to do things like this and is always bustling about and extremely nosy. If she was doing that kind of crap in my sister’s kitchen, I would probably accept a glass of water but try to re-direct her away from setting out what I knew was the sangria my sister made for a holiday party. Some people just cannot relax and are constantly making their anxiety someone else’s problem. It’s annoying.

OP didn’t say they weren’t. She’s just mad mil embarrassed her and her poor hosting skills.

NP and it is not "poor hosting skills" to provide open access to your kitchen, but to have a few items earmarked for specific times, like dinner food or like shrimp or artichoke dip for cocktail hour. And yes lots of people pick out specific wines to pair with dinners, especially holiday dinners.

Can you quote where dinner and ear marked things were served other than wine? OP was mad people ate at 3 and not at 5 because she was totally inflexible.

It's right here in the original post:
She starts offering people wine and snacks at 3 p.m., when DH and I serve those things at 5 p.m. Then she gets miffed when DH says “No, mom, we’re going to do X and Y at 5 o’clock, and that wine is actually for dinner.”

For me, getting yourself a little something if you're hungry at 3 is totally fine, but unilaterally deciding that you want to put out whatever the cocktail hour items are at 3 is rude. You don't get to decide to play hostess in someone else's house. Would you seriously do this? In my family, when we have holiday gatherings, we do special cocktail hours that have like hot dips and special cocktails. It would be beyond rude for someone to just decide it's time to bust out the winter sangria that the hostess had specially prepared at 3, or get out the marcona almonds and artichoke dip that was meant for cocktail hour.

Snacks. Not lasagna not cake. Snacks.

Oh, so is hot dip to be served at cocktail hour a "snack"? If I made artichoke dip for appetizers before Thanksgiving dinner and you scooped some into a bowl for yourself at 11 a.m., you would be seen as very odd in my family. And if you weren't family, you'd never be invited back. We don't socialize with rude people who have no basic grasp of manners.

Start your own thread about the time this happened. Stop derailing.

NP and either all food and beverages in a host's "open kitchen" are fair game, or they aren't. Sorry, you have to pick a lane. OP was not annoyed at MIL for making herself a snack if she was hungry, she was annoyed that MIL decided to declare happy hour at 3 p.m. Most of us side with OP, thinking that is way overstepping. Sorry you can't deal.

Mmm read the thread again. Most don’t agree. No food was available. The kitchen wasn’t open.

OP was not hosting a party comprised of quadriplegics. Got arms and legs? Go to the kitchen and grab some pretzels. Food was available.

No kidding? So why is she mad?

If you don’t understand after 20 pages, you’re a hopeless boor…

Nope bc you are insane. Its an open kitchen. Have a snack. But stay mad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like she feels like she should be sharing hosting duties as the MIL, but she doesn't actually want or know how to do that, so she "helps" by offering the things you've already prepared on her own timeline.

I agree, it's annoying. Don't think there's much you can do, other than the gentle corrections you've described so far.

The people in the thread saying you're a terrible hostess because you don't have a constantly-refreshed full open bar buffet like a cruise ship or a Vegas casino are bending over backwards in order to be contrarian. You're clearly in the right.

+1000. This nails it. So tired of the annoying poster who insists this is about OP closing off access to any food. It’s not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like she feels like she should be sharing hosting duties as the MIL, but she doesn't actually want or know how to do that, so she "helps" by offering the things you've already prepared on her own timeline.

I agree, it's annoying. Don't think there's much you can do, other than the gentle corrections you've described so far.

The people in the thread saying you're a terrible hostess because you don't have a constantly-refreshed full open bar buffet like a cruise ship or a Vegas casino are bending over backwards in order to be contrarian. You're clearly in the right.

+1000. This nails it. So tired of the annoying poster who insists this is about OP closing off access to any food. It’s not.

+2,000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like she feels like she should be sharing hosting duties as the MIL, but she doesn't actually want or know how to do that, so she "helps" by offering the things you've already prepared on her own timeline.

I agree, it's annoying. Don't think there's much you can do, other than the gentle corrections you've described so far.

The people in the thread saying you're a terrible hostess because you don't have a constantly-refreshed full open bar buffet like a cruise ship or a Vegas casino are bending over backwards in order to be contrarian. You're clearly in the right.

+1000. This nails it. So tired of the annoying poster who insists this is about OP closing off access to any food. It’s not.

It’s hilarious that some of you are imagining an alternate reality where mil made the prime rib, lasagna and cheesecake a 3pm snack. Come on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like she feels like she should be sharing hosting duties as the MIL, but she doesn't actually want or know how to do that, so she "helps" by offering the things you've already prepared on her own timeline.

I agree, it's annoying. Don't think there's much you can do, other than the gentle corrections you've described so far.

The people in the thread saying you're a terrible hostess because you don't have a constantly-refreshed full open bar buffet like a cruise ship or a Vegas casino are bending over backwards in order to be contrarian. You're clearly in the right.

+1000. This nails it. So tired of the annoying poster who insists this is about OP closing off access to any food. It’s not.

It’s hilarious that some of you are imagining an alternate reality where mil made the prime rib, lasagna and cheesecake a 3pm snack. Come on.

OK, I re-read the OP, and it totally sounds like MIL got out items that were meant for cocktail hour. Because then DH re-directed her and said "X and Y" were for cocktail hour, and the wine she was bringing out was actually for dinner. Let's say "X" is shrimp cocktail and "Y" is a cheese plate. Does that help you out?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My in-laws come into the kitchen while I’m preparing the charcuterie and start eating it before it’s finished being assembled. They don’t ask to help chop, just start munching as I’m putting food on the tray. Totally rude.

Not only rude, but gross. I hate hand-to-mouth eaters who act like a big tray of food is their personal plate. MIL has to remind FIL that I set out small plates for a reason, and he needs to make a plate and not get crumbs all over the rest of the food as he chews. Disgusting. He will grab a piece of salami with his hands (instead of the small tongs), get it all the way into his mouth with his fingers, then reach in and root around the crackers with his saliva-glazed hands.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like she feels like she should be sharing hosting duties as the MIL, but she doesn't actually want or know how to do that, so she "helps" by offering the things you've already prepared on her own timeline.

I agree, it's annoying. Don't think there's much you can do, other than the gentle corrections you've described so far.

The people in the thread saying you're a terrible hostess because you don't have a constantly-refreshed full open bar buffet like a cruise ship or a Vegas casino are bending over backwards in order to be contrarian. You're clearly in the right.

+1000. This nails it. So tired of the annoying poster who insists this is about OP closing off access to any food. It’s not.

It’s hilarious that some of you are imagining an alternate reality where mil made the prime rib, lasagna and cheesecake a 3pm snack. Come on.

OK, I re-read the OP, and it totally sounds like MIL got out items that were meant for cocktail hour. Because then DH re-directed her and said "X and Y" were for cocktail hour, and the wine she was bringing out was actually for dinner. Let's say "X" is shrimp cocktail and "Y" is a cheese plate. Does that help you out?

You finally read the Op and see how ridiculous this has gotten? OP isn’t mad about the food but you all are. People are getting outraged over imaginary scenarios. Its bizarre.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like she feels like she should be sharing hosting duties as the MIL, but she doesn't actually want or know how to do that, so she "helps" by offering the things you've already prepared on her own timeline.

I agree, it's annoying. Don't think there's much you can do, other than the gentle corrections you've described so far.

The people in the thread saying you're a terrible hostess because you don't have a constantly-refreshed full open bar buffet like a cruise ship or a Vegas casino are bending over backwards in order to be contrarian. You're clearly in the right.

+1000. This nails it. So tired of the annoying poster who insists this is about OP closing off access to any food. It’s not.

It’s hilarious that some of you are imagining an alternate reality where mil made the prime rib, lasagna and cheesecake a 3pm snack. Come on.

OK, I re-read the OP, and it totally sounds like MIL got out items that were meant for cocktail hour. Because then DH re-directed her and said "X and Y" were for cocktail hour, and the wine she was bringing out was actually for dinner. Let's say "X" is shrimp cocktail and "Y" is a cheese plate. Does that help you out?

You finally read the Op and see how ridiculous this has gotten? OP isn’t mad about the food but you all are. People are getting outraged over imaginary scenarios. Its bizarre.

The whole premise is yes, one of the things she is upset about is the fact that MIL was breaking out cocktail hour fare and dinner wine before it was time for either. You really need to brush up on your reading comprehension. -np

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My in-laws come into the kitchen while I’m preparing the charcuterie and start eating it before it’s finished being assembled. They don’t ask to help chop, just start munching as I’m putting food on the tray. Totally rude.

That sounds like they feel like family. I don't find that odd. You sound very formal.

The rest of this thread is pure gold. Keep 'em coming.

It’s not “formal” to want people to at least let you finish preparing something before setting it out for them. If they aren’t going to help, the very least they can do is be patient for a few minutes. You sound like a rude guest if you think eating something that someone is preparing for you before they are finished is behaving “informally.” -np