So tired of MIL acting like she’s the hostess in my home

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Isn't dinner at 5 or 5:30? If I had to starve until 5 or 5:30 to finally get a few cheese slices, I'd never come back.

Are you 85? We are hosting multiple houseguests for multiple days. We serve breakfast around 7, lunch around 12, cocktail hour at 5, dinner around 6/6:30. And the kitchen is open all day. Who is starving?!

No, I am 48, and my relatives throw "holidays" for about 30-75 people, maybe 10 trays of appetizers, a full size bar with 15 stools and booze flowing, oh I forgot the bar has 5-10 more appetizers, fully stocked, real arcade games, poker table going, movie room going, and then yes we have dinner at 5:30, they have catering equipment, some have sternos going for heat, maybe main dish is a few 19 pound turkeys, all homemade sides. Nobody has to fuss about getting food or serving it. It's just there everywhere the entire freaking time. You did say you throw holidays. Booze is not rationed to cocktail hour, food is not saved for a particular time slot. You are a weirdo. Even if guests stay for the day before or after the holiday, it's polite to leave out food for people to snack on and drinks mid-afternoon. I use an island to display chips, nuts, cheeses, crackers. After 2 days maybe I drop the cheeses. Who doesn't do that? Who sets an hour for when drinks and snacks are permitted? I know some hotels offer a cocktail hour, but that's different.

Lol at "who doesn't do that?"

Lady, pretty sure 99% of people have family holiday dinners without catering equipment, chafing dishes, etc

Haha, also, no one under the age of 65 says “booze” and expects people to be impressed by an “island display of chips, nuts, cheeses, crackers.”

The island display better have olives and celery too. Otherwise how will people know you’re a millionaire business owner?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My in-laws come into the kitchen while I’m preparing the charcuterie and start eating it before it’s finished being assembled. They don’t ask to help chop, just start munching as I’m putting food on the tray. Totally rude.

Not only rude, but gross. I hate hand-to-mouth eaters who act like a big tray of food is their personal plate. MIL has to remind FIL that I set out small plates for a reason, and he needs to make a plate and not get crumbs all over the rest of the food as he chews. Disgusting. He will grab a piece of salami with his hands (instead of the small tongs), get it all the way into his mouth with his fingers, then reach in and root around the crackers with his saliva-glazed hands.

we have the same inlaws!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like she feels like she should be sharing hosting duties as the MIL, but she doesn't actually want or know how to do that, so she "helps" by offering the things you've already prepared on her own timeline.

I agree, it's annoying. Don't think there's much you can do, other than the gentle corrections you've described so far.

The people in the thread saying you're a terrible hostess because you don't have a constantly-refreshed full open bar buffet like a cruise ship or a Vegas casino are bending over backwards in order to be contrarian. You're clearly in the right.

+1000. This nails it. So tired of the annoying poster who insists this is about OP closing off access to any food. It’s not.

It’s hilarious that some of you are imagining an alternate reality where mil made the prime rib, lasagna and cheesecake a 3pm snack. Come on.

OK, I re-read the OP, and it totally sounds like MIL got out items that were meant for cocktail hour. Because then DH re-directed her and said "X and Y" were for cocktail hour, and the wine she was bringing out was actually for dinner. Let's say "X" is shrimp cocktail and "Y" is a cheese plate. Does that help you out?

You finally read the Op and see how ridiculous this has gotten? OP isn’t mad about the food but you all are. People are getting outraged over imaginary scenarios. Its bizarre.

The whole premise is yes, one of the things she is upset about is the fact that MIL was breaking out cocktail hour fare and dinner wine before it was time for either. You really need to brush up on your reading comprehension. -np

Says the person whi never read the OP.

Sorry, hunny! It’s right here:

“Then she gets miffed when DH says “No, mom, we’re going to do X and Y at 5 o’clock, and that wine is actually for dinner.” She never sits down and acts like a guest. And no, she doesn’t bring dishes or wine or anything, and doesn’t offer to do anything actually helpful. She basically tries to run our show, but doesn’t actually bring so much as a side dish or an extra bottle of red. I’m so over it.”

So yes, imagine “X” is shrimp and “Y” is cheese. That is one of the things OP is upset about. And it’s valid.

"Run our show?" Why is this a show? OP alleged kitchen was "open." So is it really open for the hungrier, or is this really a "show" in which you believe you are a star when in reality getting people fed shouldn't be a Broadway musical. Hungry? There's food, wanna drink, there's beverages. How freaking hard is that? This shouldn't be a game of hide and seek.

Some people put more effort into holiday meals and cocktail hours than putting some cheese cubes and Wheat Thins, but you do you.

Curious that OP has never come back to mention what was so special about the 5pm appetizers/cocktail hour. Was she going to put out some basic grub and be al “ta da!” About it? Given that she was so short on wine it could not be that amazing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like she feels like she should be sharing hosting duties as the MIL, but she doesn't actually want or know how to do that, so she "helps" by offering the things you've already prepared on her own timeline.

I agree, it's annoying. Don't think there's much you can do, other than the gentle corrections you've described so far.

The people in the thread saying you're a terrible hostess because you don't have a constantly-refreshed full open bar buffet like a cruise ship or a Vegas casino are bending over backwards in order to be contrarian. You're clearly in the right.

+1000. This nails it. So tired of the annoying poster who insists this is about OP closing off access to any food. It’s not.

It’s hilarious that some of you are imagining an alternate reality where mil made the prime rib, lasagna and cheesecake a 3pm snack. Come on.

OK, I re-read the OP, and it totally sounds like MIL got out items that were meant for cocktail hour. Because then DH re-directed her and said "X and Y" were for cocktail hour, and the wine she was bringing out was actually for dinner. Let's say "X" is shrimp cocktail and "Y" is a cheese plate. Does that help you out?

You finally read the Op and see how ridiculous this has gotten? OP isn’t mad about the food but you all are. People are getting outraged over imaginary scenarios. Its bizarre.

The whole premise is yes, one of the things she is upset about is the fact that MIL was breaking out cocktail hour fare and dinner wine before it was time for either. You really need to brush up on your reading comprehension. -np

Says the person whi never read the OP.

Sorry, hunny! It’s right here:

“Then she gets miffed when DH says “No, mom, we’re going to do X and Y at 5 o’clock, and that wine is actually for dinner.” She never sits down and acts like a guest. And no, she doesn’t bring dishes or wine or anything, and doesn’t offer to do anything actually helpful. She basically tries to run our show, but doesn’t actually bring so much as a side dish or an extra bottle of red. I’m so over it.”

So yes, imagine “X” is shrimp and “Y” is cheese. That is one of the things OP is upset about. And it’s valid.

"Run our show?" Why is this a show? OP alleged kitchen was "open." So is it really open for the hungrier, or is this really a "show" in which you believe you are a star when in reality getting people fed shouldn't be a Broadway musical. Hungry? There's food, wanna drink, there's beverages. How freaking hard is that? This shouldn't be a game of hide and seek.

Some people put more effort into holiday meals and cocktail hours than putting some cheese cubes and Wheat Thins, but you do you.

Curious that OP has never come back to mention what was so special about the 5pm appetizers/cocktail hour. Was she going to put out some basic grub and be al “ta da!” About it? Given that she was so short on wine it could not be that amazing.

Stop changing the goal posts. It doesn’t matter what OP was planning to serve whether it was caviar or wheat thins. For the umpteenth time, it’s about the MIL making a unilateral decision to prepare whatever snacks and wine and then announce she was serving them to everyone staying at OP’s house at 3pm. She’s not the hostess. It’s not her decision to prepare and announce she’s serving something. She’s a guest.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like she feels like she should be sharing hosting duties as the MIL, but she doesn't actually want or know how to do that, so she "helps" by offering the things you've already prepared on her own timeline.

I agree, it's annoying. Don't think there's much you can do, other than the gentle corrections you've described so far.

The people in the thread saying you're a terrible hostess because you don't have a constantly-refreshed full open bar buffet like a cruise ship or a Vegas casino are bending over backwards in order to be contrarian. You're clearly in the right.

+1000. This nails it. So tired of the annoying poster who insists this is about OP closing off access to any food. It’s not.

It’s hilarious that some of you are imagining an alternate reality where mil made the prime rib, lasagna and cheesecake a 3pm snack. Come on.

OK, I re-read the OP, and it totally sounds like MIL got out items that were meant for cocktail hour. Because then DH re-directed her and said "X and Y" were for cocktail hour, and the wine she was bringing out was actually for dinner. Let's say "X" is shrimp cocktail and "Y" is a cheese plate. Does that help you out?

You finally read the Op and see how ridiculous this has gotten? OP isn’t mad about the food but you all are. People are getting outraged over imaginary scenarios. Its bizarre.

The whole premise is yes, one of the things she is upset about is the fact that MIL was breaking out cocktail hour fare and dinner wine before it was time for either. You really need to brush up on your reading comprehension. -np

Says the person whi never read the OP.

Sorry, hunny! It’s right here:

“Then she gets miffed when DH says “No, mom, we’re going to do X and Y at 5 o’clock, and that wine is actually for dinner.” She never sits down and acts like a guest. And no, she doesn’t bring dishes or wine or anything, and doesn’t offer to do anything actually helpful. She basically tries to run our show, but doesn’t actually bring so much as a side dish or an extra bottle of red. I’m so over it.”

So yes, imagine “X” is shrimp and “Y” is cheese. That is one of the things OP is upset about. And it’s valid.

"Run our show?" Why is this a show? OP alleged kitchen was "open." So is it really open for the hungrier, or is this really a "show" in which you believe you are a star when in reality getting people fed shouldn't be a Broadway musical. Hungry? There's food, wanna drink, there's beverages. How freaking hard is that? This shouldn't be a game of hide and seek.

Some people put more effort into holiday meals and cocktail hours than putting some cheese cubes and Wheat Thins, but you do you.

Curious that OP has never come back to mention what was so special about the 5pm appetizers/cocktail hour. Was she going to put out some basic grub and be al “ta da!” About it? Given that she was so short on wine it could not be that amazing.

Stop changing the goal posts. It doesn’t matter what OP was planning to serve whether it was caviar or wheat thins. For the umpteenth time, it’s about the MIL making a unilateral decision to prepare whatever snacks and wine and then announce she was serving them to everyone staying at OP’s house at 3pm. She’s not the hostess. It’s not her decision to prepare and announce she’s serving something. She’s a guest.

We don’t know if anything was prepared. Where did you get that idea? Maybe she got some peanuts out. Unless OP comes back to answer the questions its all speculation. What was made or just set out, how many guests there were and who was hungry and who wasn’t. It was an open kitchen. MIL wasn’t trespassing and breaking laws. You’re assuming this was some highly scheduled and formal affair. Maybe it wasn’t.

[Anonymous]

MiL may have wanted a snack herself at 3, but thought that she would be seen as rude to eat alone in front of the other guests. So she fixed up a platter for them, too. MIL is in the position of damned if she does, damned if she doesn’t.

OP should reconsider her timing or add an official Snack at 3 O’Clock to her meal plans when MIL is a guest.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:MiL may have wanted a snack herself at 3, but thought that she would be seen as rude to eat alone in front of the other guests. So she fixed up a platter for them, too. MIL is in the position of damned if she does, damned if she doesn’t.

OP should reconsider her timing or add an official Snack at 3 O’Clock to her meal plans when MIL is a guest.

Or she should reconsider hosting MIL at all.

[Anonymous]

Did she retire recently? She's probably bored out of her mind and doesn't know what to do with herself anymore. My mother retired a few years ago and oh how I wish she stayed employed a little longer or taken up a volunteering job that gave her a greater sense of purpose. Her constant fussing over my family's plans-- housing and schools are her favorite things to fuss over-- has become a nightmare.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like she feels like she should be sharing hosting duties as the MIL, but she doesn't actually want or know how to do that, so she "helps" by offering the things you've already prepared on her own timeline.

I agree, it's annoying. Don't think there's much you can do, other than the gentle corrections you've described so far.

The people in the thread saying you're a terrible hostess because you don't have a constantly-refreshed full open bar buffet like a cruise ship or a Vegas casino are bending over backwards in order to be contrarian. You're clearly in the right.

+1000. This nails it. So tired of the annoying poster who insists this is about OP closing off access to any food. It’s not.

It’s hilarious that some of you are imagining an alternate reality where mil made the prime rib, lasagna and cheesecake a 3pm snack. Come on.

OK, I re-read the OP, and it totally sounds like MIL got out items that were meant for cocktail hour. Because then DH re-directed her and said "X and Y" were for cocktail hour, and the wine she was bringing out was actually for dinner. Let's say "X" is shrimp cocktail and "Y" is a cheese plate. Does that help you out?

You finally read the Op and see how ridiculous this has gotten? OP isn’t mad about the food but you all are. People are getting outraged over imaginary scenarios. Its bizarre.

The whole premise is yes, one of the things she is upset about is the fact that MIL was breaking out cocktail hour fare and dinner wine before it was time for either. You really need to brush up on your reading comprehension. -np

Says the person whi never read the OP.

Sorry, hunny! It’s right here:

“Then she gets miffed when DH says “No, mom, we’re going to do X and Y at 5 o’clock, and that wine is actually for dinner.” She never sits down and acts like a guest. And no, she doesn’t bring dishes or wine or anything, and doesn’t offer to do anything actually helpful. She basically tries to run our show, but doesn’t actually bring so much as a side dish or an extra bottle of red. I’m so over it.”

So yes, imagine “X” is shrimp and “Y” is cheese. That is one of the things OP is upset about. And it’s valid.

"Run our show?" Why is this a show? OP alleged kitchen was "open." So is it really open for the hungrier, or is this really a "show" in which you believe you are a star when in reality getting people fed shouldn't be a Broadway musical. Hungry? There's food, wanna drink, there's beverages. How freaking hard is that? This shouldn't be a game of hide and seek.

Some people put more effort into holiday meals and cocktail hours than putting some cheese cubes and Wheat Thins, but you do you.

Curious that OP has never come back to mention what was so special about the 5pm appetizers/cocktail hour. Was she going to put out some basic grub and be al “ta da!” About it? Given that she was so short on wine it could not be that amazing.

I don't think it's that unusual to have special food for holidays/holiday overnight guests. My aunt especially gets really into cocktail hour when she's hosting. She'll do meatballs, pull-apart cheesy bread in the shape of a Christmas tree (thanks, Instagram!) and poinsetta cocktails, even on not-the-actual-holiday nights when we are guests in her home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:MiL may have wanted a snack herself at 3, but thought that she would be seen as rude to eat alone in front of the other guests. So she fixed up a platter for them, too. MIL is in the position of damned if she does, damned if she doesn’t.

OP should reconsider her timing or add an official Snack at 3 O’Clock to her meal plans when MIL is a guest.

Or she should reconsider hosting MIL at all.

Bingo!

[Anonymous]

We always come to agreement on what time dinner is served and then determine arrival time and appetizer time based on that. It isn’t a mystery. If dinner is at 6, don’t arrive hungry at 2.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:MiL may have wanted a snack herself at 3, but thought that she would be seen as rude to eat alone in front of the other guests. So she fixed up a platter for them, too. MIL is in the position of damned if she does, damned if she doesn’t.

OP should reconsider her timing or add an official Snack at 3 O’Clock to her meal plans when MIL is a guest.

Or she should reconsider hosting MIL at all.

Bingo!

+1

I came home to MIL giving a bedroom tour (including closets) to distant relatives once. That was fun.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like she feels like she should be sharing hosting duties as the MIL, but she doesn't actually want or know how to do that, so she "helps" by offering the things you've already prepared on her own timeline.

I agree, it's annoying. Don't think there's much you can do, other than the gentle corrections you've described so far.

The people in the thread saying you're a terrible hostess because you don't have a constantly-refreshed full open bar buffet like a cruise ship or a Vegas casino are bending over backwards in order to be contrarian. You're clearly in the right.

+1000. This nails it. So tired of the annoying poster who insists this is about OP closing off access to any food. It’s not.

It’s hilarious that some of you are imagining an alternate reality where mil made the prime rib, lasagna and cheesecake a 3pm snack. Come on.

OK, I re-read the OP, and it totally sounds like MIL got out items that were meant for cocktail hour. Because then DH re-directed her and said "X and Y" were for cocktail hour, and the wine she was bringing out was actually for dinner. Let's say "X" is shrimp cocktail and "Y" is a cheese plate. Does that help you out?

You finally read the Op and see how ridiculous this has gotten? OP isn’t mad about the food but you all are. People are getting outraged over imaginary scenarios. Its bizarre.

The whole premise is yes, one of the things she is upset about is the fact that MIL was breaking out cocktail hour fare and dinner wine before it was time for either. You really need to brush up on your reading comprehension. -np

Says the person whi never read the OP.

Sorry, hunny! It’s right here:

“Then she gets miffed when DH says “No, mom, we’re going to do X and Y at 5 o’clock, and that wine is actually for dinner.” She never sits down and acts like a guest. And no, she doesn’t bring dishes or wine or anything, and doesn’t offer to do anything actually helpful. She basically tries to run our show, but doesn’t actually bring so much as a side dish or an extra bottle of red. I’m so over it.”

So yes, imagine “X” is shrimp and “Y” is cheese. That is one of the things OP is upset about. And it’s valid.

"Run our show?" Why is this a show? OP alleged kitchen was "open." So is it really open for the hungrier, or is this really a "show" in which you believe you are a star when in reality getting people fed shouldn't be a Broadway musical. Hungry? There's food, wanna drink, there's beverages. How freaking hard is that? This shouldn't be a game of hide and seek.

Some people put more effort into holiday meals and cocktail hours than putting some cheese cubes and Wheat Thins, but you do you.

Curious that OP has never come back to mention what was so special about the 5pm appetizers/cocktail hour. Was she going to put out some basic grub and be al “ta da!” About it? Given that she was so short on wine it could not be that amazing.

She didn't say she was short on wine. She said the wine her MIL got out was for dinner.

You people who just open whatever box you have nearby don't get it, but certain wines go with certain meals. When I throw holiday events, especially those over multiple days, I do choose the wine that goes with each meal. If you drink whatever you want and we end up with only Pinot Noir with the chicken enchiladas I'm going to be annoyed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP you have a lot of components of a great host. You have a few to work on:

Flexibility
Graciousness
Sense of humor

You have to be able to roll with the punches to some extent. You can be generous to your MIL without ruining your day. If it’s really making it miserable for you, stop hosting.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like she feels like she should be sharing hosting duties as the MIL, but she doesn't actually want or know how to do that, so she "helps" by offering the things you've already prepared on her own timeline.

I agree, it's annoying. Don't think there's much you can do, other than the gentle corrections you've described so far.

The people in the thread saying you're a terrible hostess because you don't have a constantly-refreshed full open bar buffet like a cruise ship or a Vegas casino are bending over backwards in order to be contrarian. You're clearly in the right.

+1000. This nails it. So tired of the annoying poster who insists this is about OP closing off access to any food. It’s not.

It’s hilarious that some of you are imagining an alternate reality where mil made the prime rib, lasagna and cheesecake a 3pm snack. Come on.

OK, I re-read the OP, and it totally sounds like MIL got out items that were meant for cocktail hour. Because then DH re-directed her and said "X and Y" were for cocktail hour, and the wine she was bringing out was actually for dinner. Let's say "X" is shrimp cocktail and "Y" is a cheese plate. Does that help you out?

You finally read the Op and see how ridiculous this has gotten? OP isn’t mad about the food but you all are. People are getting outraged over imaginary scenarios. Its bizarre.

The whole premise is yes, one of the things she is upset about is the fact that MIL was breaking out cocktail hour fare and dinner wine before it was time for either. You really need to brush up on your reading comprehension. -np

Says the person whi never read the OP.

Sorry, hunny! It’s right here:

“Then she gets miffed when DH says “No, mom, we’re going to do X and Y at 5 o’clock, and that wine is actually for dinner.” She never sits down and acts like a guest. And no, she doesn’t bring dishes or wine or anything, and doesn’t offer to do anything actually helpful. She basically tries to run our show, but doesn’t actually bring so much as a side dish or an extra bottle of red. I’m so over it.”

So yes, imagine “X” is shrimp and “Y” is cheese. That is one of the things OP is upset about. And it’s valid.

"Run our show?" Why is this a show? OP alleged kitchen was "open." So is it really open for the hungrier, or is this really a "show" in which you believe you are a star when in reality getting people fed shouldn't be a Broadway musical. Hungry? There's food, wanna drink, there's beverages. How freaking hard is that? This shouldn't be a game of hide and seek.

Some people put more effort into holiday meals and cocktail hours than putting some cheese cubes and Wheat Thins, but you do you.

Curious that OP has never come back to mention what was so special about the 5pm appetizers/cocktail hour. Was she going to put out some basic grub and be al “ta da!” About it? Given that she was so short on wine it could not be that amazing.

She didn't say she was short on wine. She said the wine her MIL got out was for dinner.

You people who just open whatever box you have nearby don't get it, but certain wines go with certain meals. When I throw holiday events, especially those over multiple days, I do choose the wine that goes with each meal. If you drink whatever you want and we end up with only Pinot Noir with the chicken enchiladas I'm going to be annoyed.

Box wine? Oh honey. Don’t put on airs about wine pairing and serve boxed wine.