So tired of MIL acting like she’s the hostess in my home

[Anonymous]

This was one of first clues my mom was sliding into mental decline. She no longer really knew how to pull off bigger family gatherings. Attempts at helping were...quirky. A few years later she was aware enough she didn't know what to do and would hide in the bathroom crying when it was time to get stuff on the table to eat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It just sounds like a weird quirk of hers. Or she’s got some weird way of trying to piss you off. Either way, “Thanks, Martha, I’ll get some when I’m done x.” She might be jealous that you have your entertaining ish together when she never did.

As far as MIL quirks go, hers isn’t too toxic.

Sure, I get this in response to the offering of the casserole. But what about when she’s pulling out wine and snacks to serve everyone at 3pm when OP and her husband set that wine aside for dinner? My guess is that OP and her husband have created a menu and timing, and MIL steps in to make a different plan. I’m picturing her making some announcement like “Okay everyone, let’s move to the porch where we can have some fabulous chocolate cake and coffee,” when, in fact, OP had planned to serve the cake the next day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, are you worried she’s getting credit for your work?

OP here. Not at all. It’s just annoying to have someone offer you food, drink and dessert that you personally have planned for, paid for, and prepared, as if you are visiting them and not the other way around. “Sally, there’s breakfast casserole and coffee if you’re hungry”…no sh*t! I made all of the above. I know it’s there, and I know I may have it, what with it being mine and all.

OK, people are going to come on here always blowing smoke up your skirt about “she’s probably worried about you, sees you working so hard and wants to make sure you eat,” which is total BS, as you know. Your MIL sounds annoying. Doubtful she’ll change if she hasn’t by now, but commiseration.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, are you worried she’s getting credit for your work?

OP here. Not at all. It’s just annoying to have someone offer you food, drink and dessert that you personally have planned for, paid for, and prepared, as if you are visiting them and not the other way around. “Sally, there’s breakfast casserole and coffee if you’re hungry”…no sh*t! I made all of the above. I know it’s there, and I know I may have it, what with it being mine and all.

I think you're not reading her right. This is her way of acknowledging all your hard work and reminding you to take a break. It may not be the words you'd use in the same circumstances, but I think she's trying to signal she's grateful to be hosted and wants to be solicitous about your wellbeing.

Ha! And right on cue, here you are.

BS.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Isn't dinner at 5 or 5:30? If I had to starve until 5 or 5:30 to finally get a few cheese slices, I'd never come back.

Are you three years old?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, are you worried she’s getting credit for your work?

OP here. Not at all. It’s just annoying to have someone offer you food, drink and dessert that you personally have planned for, paid for, and prepared, as if you are visiting them and not the other way around. “Sally, there’s breakfast casserole and coffee if you’re hungry”…no sh*t! I made all of the above. I know it’s there, and I know I may have it, what with it being mine and all.

Lol, you sound like you are making sure you get the credit even here in this anonymous post with strangers. We know you *perdonally* planned it and it’s yours, really we do.

This

[Anonymous]

I can commiserate a little. DH’s brother’s family of 4 was visiting from overseas for about 2 weeks. His wife didn’t learn so much as where the water glasses were. She would ask how she could help after the table was set and food was being carried to the table.

We visited with them before in their home country, but DH’s parents were hosting or we’d pick up food from a restaurant to share. She never did any meals for anyone other than her and her kids, not even for her husband.

She is very social and loves to be the center of attention and life of the party, but will not lift a finger until everything’s ready.

Maybe she’s super lazy, or maybe she cannot function without a maid. My MIL and l both really disliked her and felt she treated both of us, and her husband, like employees. And she had the least money of any of us - big spender and SAHM.

I have given DH a limit of 4 days for hosting them in the future, l don’t GAF that it’s a long way to travel. Stay in a hotel.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Every time MIL visits, it’s the same thing. Because our house is centrally located and we have lots of space, we host a lot of holidays, including overnight visitors. DH and I always have the house professionally cleaned, it is nicely decorated, and we stock up on lots of food and beverages. Meals are planned and prepared and get lots of compliments. It is a lot of work.

I can’t stand how MIL fusses over things, gets in the way, messes with our flow and our plans, and offers me things in my own home. *I* set up coffee and am hard at work making breakfast for everyone, and when it’s all set out, she offers it to me as if she has made it. She starts offering people wine and snacks at 3 p.m., when DH and I serve those things at 5 p.m. Then she gets miffed when DH says “No, mom, we’re going to do X and Y at 5 o’clock, and that wine is actually for dinner.” She never sits down and acts like a guest. And no, she doesn’t bring dishes or wine or anything, and doesn’t offer to do anything actually helpful. She basically tries to run our show, but doesn’t actually bring so much as a side dish or an extra bottle of red. I’m so over it.

I'd expect drinks and appetizers out and ready when guests arrive. Do you actually starve your guests and prohibit wine or beer till 5pm? If so, your MIL is a hero.

Um, no, I’m hosting multiple houseguests for multiple nights. Full breakfasts, full lunches, cocktail hour at 5 and dinner at around 6. Plus if anyone is hungry they are welcome to go into the kitchen and help themselves at any time. You’re cute for trying, though! -OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:and, isn't a side dish what she's supposed to bring??

Huh? She doesn’t bring anything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can commiserate a little. DH’s brother’s family of 4 was visiting from overseas for about 2 weeks. His wife didn’t learn so much as where the water glasses were. She would ask how she could help after the table was set and food was being carried to the table.

We visited with them before in their home country, but DH’s parents were hosting or we’d pick up food from a restaurant to share. She never did any meals for anyone other than her and her kids, not even for her husband.

She is very social and loves to be the center of attention and life of the party, but will not lift a finger until everything’s ready.

Maybe she’s super lazy, or maybe she cannot function without a maid. My MIL and l both really disliked her and felt she treated both of us, and her husband, like employees. And she had the least money of any of us - big spender and SAHM.

I have given DH a limit of 4 days for hosting them in the future, l don’t GAF that it’s a long way to travel. Stay in a hotel.

Sounds like she has no executive function (meaning, she has ADHD). If she can't hold down a job or notice when help is needed, that speaks to inability to be attentive and get organized. And since she has money and no incentive to work, well, there's no urgent need to get meds or treatment for it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Isn't dinner at 5 or 5:30? If I had to starve until 5 or 5:30 to finally get a few cheese slices, I'd never come back.

Are you 85? We are hosting multiple houseguests for multiple days. We serve breakfast around 7, lunch around 12, cocktail hour at 5, dinner around 6/6:30. And the kitchen is open all day. Who is starving?!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, are you worried she’s getting credit for your work?

OP here. Not at all. It’s just annoying to have someone offer you food, drink and dessert that you personally have planned for, paid for, and prepared, as if you are visiting them and not the other way around. “Sally, there’s breakfast casserole and coffee if you’re hungry”…no sh*t! I made all of the above. I know it’s there, and I know I may have it, what with it being mine and all.

I think you're not reading her right. This is her way of acknowledging all your hard work and reminding you to take a break. It may not be the words you'd use in the same circumstances, but I think she's trying to signal she's grateful to be hosted and wants to be solicitous about your wellbeing.

Ha! And right on cue, here you are.

BS.

PP you replied to. Yes, I posted before you made your inane remark. I stand by what I wrote. There are so many serious MIL problems to get worked up about, and this one is not it.

[Anonymous]

What’s up with all these responses?

It actually IS ANNOYING for any guest to come into your home and act as if they are hosting the guests and fiddle around as if it is their home. There is a distinction between being a helpful guest and then crossing a boundary and acting as a host when you are not one.

Honestly it just sounds like your MIL is a little socially awkward and not a great entertainer herself. I don’t really have any good advice and am not in this situation myself but it does sound annoying.

I would likely just encourage DH to keep on resetting expectations with his mom. Maybe let guests know upon invitation to come over at 4 and food will be served at 5pm. Send it out in a group message or invite so all are on the same page. Have some light eats and drinks ready for people upon arrival and let it be made clear that food will be served at X time. I don’t think you can do much besides be the host yourself and kindly redirect her when she tries to take over.

You could also host less if it is really irritating you.
Ha! You could also tell people you want to hang out with to come a little beforehand. I do think with my sisters. I will have them come at 3p but invite others to arrive at 5p. Not to avoid anyone but just because I want that extra time with them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, are you worried she’s getting credit for your work?

OP here. Not at all. It’s just annoying to have someone offer you food, drink and dessert that you personally have planned for, paid for, and prepared, as if you are visiting them and not the other way around. “Sally, there’s breakfast casserole and coffee if you’re hungry”…no sh*t! I made all of the above. I know it’s there, and I know I may have it, what with it being mine and all.

I think you're not reading her right. This is her way of acknowledging all your hard work and reminding you to take a break. It may not be the words you'd use in the same circumstances, but I think she's trying to signal she's grateful to be hosted and wants to be solicitous about your wellbeing.

Ha! And right on cue, here you are.

BS.

PP you replied to. Yes, I posted before you made your inane remark. I stand by what I wrote. There are so many serious MIL problems to get worked up about, and this one is not it.

NP. Did I miss the part where OP said she couldn’t decide whether to tar and feather MIL, or to banish her from their lives? I read this as a fairly standard vent. You know, like 80% of the posts on the Family Relationships forum? If you want to share your sob story in an appropriate setting, there are plenty of my brother is a drunk who is trying to steal from my parents threads.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Every time MIL visits, it’s the same thing. Because our house is centrally located and we have lots of space, we host a lot of holidays, including overnight visitors. DH and I always have the house professionally cleaned, it is nicely decorated, and we stock up on lots of food and beverages. Meals are planned and prepared and get lots of compliments. It is a lot of work.

I can’t stand how MIL fusses over things, gets in the way, messes with our flow and our plans, and offers me things in my own home. *I* set up coffee and am hard at work making breakfast for everyone, and when it’s all set out, she offers it to me as if she has made it. She starts offering people wine and snacks at 3 p.m., when DH and I serve those things at 5 p.m. Then she gets miffed when DH says “No, mom, we’re going to do X and Y at 5 o’clock, and that wine is actually for dinner.” She never sits down and acts like a guest. And no, she doesn’t bring dishes or wine or anything, and doesn’t offer to do anything actually helpful. She basically tries to run our show, but doesn’t actually bring so much as a side dish or an extra bottle of red. I’m so over it.

I'd expect drinks and appetizers out and ready when guests arrive. Do you actually starve your guests and prohibit wine or beer till 5pm? If so, your MIL is a hero.

Definitely. OP sounds stingy AF. Buy more wine if that’s what the people want. Why do you have only enough for dinner?