So tired of MIL acting like she’s the hostess in my home

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, are you worried she’s getting credit for your work?

OP here. Not at all. It’s just annoying to have someone offer you food, drink and dessert that you personally have planned for, paid for, and prepared, as if you are visiting them and not the other way around. “Sally, there’s breakfast casserole and coffee if you’re hungry”…no sh*t! I made all of the above. I know it’s there, and I know I may have it, what with it being mine and all.

Damn. I would just look at her with a straight face and say, “Oh really. Can you tell me how you made it or where you bought it? Are there onions in the casserole, because I’m allergic.” 😬

[Anonymous]

and, isn't a side dish what she's supposed to bring??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What was she like as a hostess in her own home when she hosted big holidays? Did she enjoy it? Is she an anxious person?

She claims to love it all, but doesn’t plan properly and always acts surprised by things like the fact that you actually need to set the Thanksgiving table, not just prepare food. She declines all offers for help and acts like I’m crazy for offering to set the table ahead of time. Then when everything is finally served after she, you know, finds everything and sets the table, she grumbles that it’s cold. Her food is fine, she’s just not good at planning or accepting help. Maybe it annoys her that DH and I actually think things through and have a lot down so it’s always taken care of and fairly easy to pull off.

Or maybe she is trying to help but is not very good at helping but is trying anyway because she thinks it’s polite.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, are you worried she’s getting credit for your work?

OP here. Not at all. It’s just annoying to have someone offer you food, drink and dessert that you personally have planned for, paid for, and prepared, as if you are visiting them and not the other way around. “Sally, there’s breakfast casserole and coffee if you’re hungry”…no sh*t! I made all of the above. I know it’s there, and I know I may have it, what with it being mine and all.

Everybody knows you paid. Your cash. It's your food, your house.

Your MIL is just being polite in case someone is. . . hungry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, are you worried she’s getting credit for your work?

OP here. Not at all. It’s just annoying to have someone offer you food, drink and dessert that you personally have planned for, paid for, and prepared, as if you are visiting them and not the other way around. “Sally, there’s breakfast casserole and coffee if you’re hungry”…no sh*t! I made all of the above. I know it’s there, and I know I may have it, what with it being mine and all.

Lol, you sound like you are making sure you get the credit even here in this anonymous post with strangers. We know you *perdonally* planned it and it’s yours, really we do.

[Anonymous]

You sound prickly and unfriendly and the type of DIL I hope I don't end up with. "oh it's so annoying when my MIL offers me coffee and such". Seriously, listen to yourself. She's trying to be helpful and involved. Give her some grace. Have you seen all the posts from people who complain all their MIL does is sit around and expect to be served?

[Anonymous]

Isn't dinner at 5 or 5:30? If I had to starve until 5 or 5:30 to finally get a few cheese slices, I'd never come back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, are you worried she’s getting credit for your work?

OP here. Not at all. It’s just annoying to have someone offer you food, drink and dessert that you personally have planned for, paid for, and prepared, as if you are visiting them and not the other way around. “Sally, there’s breakfast casserole and coffee if you’re hungry”…no sh*t! I made all of the above. I know it’s there, and I know I may have it, what with it being mine and all.

Damn. I would just look at her with a straight face and say, “Oh really. Can you tell me how you made it or where you bought it? Are there onions in the casserole, because I’m allergic.” 😬

My mother does this - its not as egregious because she doesn't do it while I'm hosting in my own house, but she likes to repeat multiple times what the food is and offer it to people. "Did you see there was casserole?" "Did you get some casserole?" "Hey, hey hey! There's casserole." I think it's a dementia thing but I do find it annoying. Your MIL would drive me nuts though I'm not sure I would handle it any differently than your husband does.

[Anonymous]

It just sounds like a weird quirk of hers. Or she’s got some weird way of trying to piss you off. Either way, “Thanks, Martha, I’ll get some when I’m done x.” She might be jealous that you have your entertaining ish together when she never did.

As far as MIL quirks go, hers isn’t too toxic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, are you worried she’s getting credit for your work?

OP here. Not at all. It’s just annoying to have someone offer you food, drink and dessert that you personally have planned for, paid for, and prepared, as if you are visiting them and not the other way around. “Sally, there’s breakfast casserole and coffee if you’re hungry”…no sh*t! I made all of the above. I know it’s there, and I know I may have it, what with it being mine and all.

I think you're not reading her right. This is her way of acknowledging all your hard work and reminding you to take a break. It may not be the words you'd use in the same circumstances, but I think she's trying to signal she's grateful to be hosted and wants to be solicitous about your wellbeing.

Agree.

She’s trying to give you a break and help. Plus you sound rigid with the schedule. If she wants wine at 3 have some non dinner bottles.

Lighten up

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you worried that she’s getting “credit” for your house, work, money, whatever? People know it’s yours, not hers. Who are you trying to impress?

I’m sure someone will write you some dumb script to say to her, but I don’t think she will change. I think you should just accept her “rudeness” as one of her annoying quirks and try not to let it bug you.

I guess you aren’t one of those people who say “Make yourself at home” and really mean it, but that’s an alternative also. It sounds as if you are very generous with your home and with hosting, maybe you could be generous of spirit also and let her have the illusion that she’s still part of the hostessing, even though those days are gone.

You know this site well 😂

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, are you worried she’s getting credit for your work?

OP here. Not at all. It’s just annoying to have someone offer you food, drink and dessert that you personally have planned for, paid for, and prepared, as if you are visiting them and not the other way around. “Sally, there’s breakfast casserole and coffee if you’re hungry”…no sh*t! I made all of the above. I know it’s there, and I know I may have it, what with it being mine and all.

Damn. I would just look at her with a straight face and say, “Oh really. Can you tell me how you made it or where you bought it? Are there onions in the casserole, because I’m allergic.” 😬

My mother does this - its not as egregious because she doesn't do it while I'm hosting in my own house, but she likes to repeat multiple times what the food is and offer it to people. "Did you see there was casserole?" "Did you get some casserole?" "Hey, hey hey! There's casserole." I think it's a dementia thing but I do find it annoying. Your MIL would drive me nuts though I'm not sure I would handle it any differently than your husband does.

You do understand, both of you, that these are pretty insignificant character flaws, in the greater scheme of things? I'm sorry for minimizing your irritation, but some of us have serious relationship issues stemming from relatives' mental health disorders to deal with. The flaw OP describes, and the one you describe, wouldn't really register with me. It's quite minor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Isn't dinner at 5 or 5:30? If I had to starve until 5 or 5:30 to finally get a few cheese slices, I'd never come back.

Is OP the BK lady?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What was she like as a hostess in her own home when she hosted big holidays? Did she enjoy it? Is she an anxious person?

She claims to love it all, but doesn’t plan properly and always acts surprised by things like the fact that you actually need to set the Thanksgiving table, not just prepare food. She declines all offers for help and acts like I’m crazy for offering to set the table ahead of time. Then when everything is finally served after she, you know, finds everything and sets the table, she grumbles that it’s cold. Her food is fine, she’s just not good at planning or accepting help. Maybe it annoys her that DH and I actually think things through and have a lot down so it’s always taken care of and fairly easy to pull off.

Or maybe she is trying to help but is not very good at helping but is trying anyway because she thinks it’s polite.

+1 It sounds to me like she hasn’t quite figured out how to be the matriarch in your home, or just doesn’t really know what her role is or how to help. I see it as an awkward effort to not feel useless.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What was she like as a hostess in her own home when she hosted big holidays? Did she enjoy it? Is she an anxious person?

She claims to love it all, but doesn’t plan properly and always acts surprised by things like the fact that you actually need to set the Thanksgiving table, not just prepare food. She declines all offers for help and acts like I’m crazy for offering to set the table ahead of time. Then when everything is finally served after she, you know, finds everything and sets the table, she grumbles that it’s cold. Her food is fine, she’s just not good at planning or accepting help. Maybe it annoys her that DH and I actually think things through and have a lot down so it’s always taken care of and fairly easy to pull off.

Or maybe she is trying to help but is not very good at helping but is trying anyway because she thinks it’s polite.

+1 It sounds to me like she hasn’t quite figured out how to be the matriarch in your home, or just doesn’t really know what her role is or how to help. I see it as an awkward effort to not feel useless.

Just to add - I think I would feel compassion for her rather than irritation.