Reply to DH shoved me to the floor while screaming shut your f’ing mouth…

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP here, I am miserable in my marriage a huge amount of the time, and I have the means to leave.

I didn’t call the cops because I didn’t want to put my kids through the experience of being interrogated about what they saw and feeling responsible for putting their dad in handcuffs based on what they said.

I guess my point is that things are not black and white when I talk about what happened IRL, but here, anonymously, everyone acts like it’s so black and white. IRL, the consensus is “stick it out” or “work on your own issues” which is just so different from the advice here about physical abuse.[/quote]

OP, I totally get what you're saying and sympathize.  Whether to divorce, separate, whatever, is not black and white.  Only you can decide what the best option is.  I disagree that just because he shoved you once means it's going to escalate.  He might never do it again, or he might do it again but not at a "worse" level.

Some of the people who know about it "should" be more protective/defensive of you, and at least be more judgmental of him.  But some people are idiots or are truly selfish and don't care.  Some probably feel it's not their place to get involved, or just don't want to get involved.  Not everyone (or even most people) will do the right thing. Honestly, I would suggest not telling people besides your therapists in the future.  And I'd definitely suggest keeping family and close friends out of it, unless you make the decision to leave.

A close friend's DH is verbally abusive often, and physically abusive sometimes.  He never physically hurts her though... meaning he'll shove her or push her or squeezer her arm, but never leave bruises or anything like that.  He's purely about intimidation.  She confides in me and now one else, because she knows I'm not judgmental and will give her a sounding board without telling her what she "should" do.  I knows it's wrong, but, as is probably the case with you, knowing what the best thing is for her and the kids is complicated.  Honestly, I have no worries that he'll ever do anything dangerous to her.  Not that it's not devastating for it to be happening at all, but I'm 100% sure it will never come to that.  He's too smart for it.  I'm sure I'll get flamed for this and told I'm wrong, but I know what I'm talking about.

As for the therapists not doing anything... what do you want them to do?  There are some who would tell you to leave, and some who will want it to be your decision and won't try to influence you.  The therapist shouldn't make the decision for you, just give you the tools to get through things whatever you decide.  Of course, some are very opinionated and can't help themselves.  It's entirely possible you have a bad therapist, and if you think this might the case, try to find someone else.

The one weird piece is the lawyer.  It's weird to me that he/she advised you to get a restraining order, yet didn't know that you weren't in a position to actually get one.  Isn't it their job to know the ins and outs of that stuff?  I think the most valuable person in this equation is actually the lawyer.  If the one you have now isn't that good, find one who is.  A good lawyer should be able to lay out your options and really help you make a decision.  Also, remember, divorce isn't now or never.  You can take years to decide, some people do.  [/quote]

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