Wanted: blunt truths from strangers about this marriage

[Anonymous]

I’ve seen this dynamic in friends. It’s the biggest danger women face in dialing down their earning power in order to raise kids. Basically, the husband starts to view his wife as “owing” him or as the help. The problem with that is then the wife never gets down time. And the husband doesn’t understand that. It’s unsustainable and actually seems to get worse when the kids are grown. I’ve seen this. I don’t have kids, but I’ve seen it in people close to me. The wife thinks it will get better when the kids leave, but it gets worse because then the husband thinks the wife has it easy without having to take care of kids, and he expects more. The power dynamic is gross.

My advice is to address it now. If you work part time, get a full time job and divide child and house care evenly. If husband says no, tell him it’s that or divorce.

Stop being a martyr. It doesn’t matter if the internet agrees you are right. What matters is getting your power back and becoming a partner, not a servant.

[Anonymous]

Are any of the kids close to driving range?

50/50 with the scenario you describe, dad who is unpleasant, controlling re: extreme diets and does not drive is going to be a poor quality of life for your kids. He's not exactly going to be creating happy childhood memories socializing with other families, hosting sleep overs, etc. He would likely remarry to replace the driver/household mgr role. Yikes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’ve seen this dynamic in friends. It’s the biggest danger women face in dialing down their earning power in order to raise kids. Basically, the husband starts to view his wife as “owing” him or as the help. The problem with that is then the wife never gets down time. And the husband doesn’t understand that. It’s unsustainable and actually seems to get worse when the kids are grown. I’ve seen this. I don’t have kids, but I’ve seen it in people close to me. The wife thinks it will get better when the kids leave, but it gets worse because then the husband thinks the wife has it easy without having to take care of kids, and he expects more. The power dynamic is gross.

My advice is to address it now. If you work part time, get a full time job and divide child and house care evenly. If husband says no, tell him it’s that or divorce.

Stop being a martyr. It doesn’t matter if the internet agrees you are right. What matters is getting your power back and becoming a partner, not a servant.

But isn't that the case? What I don't get is why a nonworking, or very part time employed, spouse would not automatically want to take the vast majority of the household duties.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. To answer a few questions:

I’m the DW (shocker).
I work 25-30 hours/week in a flexible, patient-facing healthcare job and make about 1/3 of DH’s salary. Even before the pandemic, it was a stressful career. I’ve stayed in my position because I’m the de facto parent and household manager.
I’m starting a new job with a normal schedule and higher salary (about 75% of DH’s) soon. All legwork for finding camps/daycare was on me, as were the financial responsibilities.
DH pays the mortgage. I pay for everything else - food, utilities, clothing, other bills, transportation, insurance, household items. We used to split housing costs 50/50 before I flexed down as a new parent.
He put the down payment on our house. I paid all the renovation costs, bought appliances, and furnished it.
It took years to get him to agree to buy a house despite multiple pleas for the sake of everyone’s sanity. He was deeply resentful that I didn’t contribute more to the DP and that most of my assets are tied up in retirement.
He barely does anything around the house. Doesn’t take out trash and will leave things out for me to deal with. Won’t vacuum because it hurts his ears. Doesn’t do any laundry except his own.
DH has never liked driving. Before kids, this wasn’t a big deal. However, he let his license expire while I was pregnant with our younger kid and has been doing backflips to avoid renewing it. I drove myself to the hospital when I was in labor and have been the only licensed driver on big family road trips.
He’s vegan by choice (used to be a more relaxed vegetarian). I’m flexitarian and like a variety of foods. He imposes his food issues on our kids. Finding something for him to eat is always a challenge, plus he’s extremely unpleasant when he’s hungry.
We have normal BMIs for our height. No one has let themselves go.

Who just lets their license expire?? That is super weird, whether he likes driving or not. As in I suspect mental illness. How does he get to work? He just never leaves the house unless you drive him??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He does not vacuum because it hurts his ears?! Lol.

Outsource cleaning when you have more HHI.

Find a counselor and work on more of a joint mindset esp re: finances, etc. To be on the safe side I would tee up my ducks in case of divorce. He will really try to screw you over.

He sounds like he has some mental health issues tbh.

earplugs work great. I use them when I use the leaf blower.

Or get a quieter vacuum.

But somehow, I don't think this will lead to OP's DH doing the vacuuming.

-DW

[Anonymous]

From how you have put things (recognizing there are always 2 sides to the story): sounds like yet another DH who wants to have his cake and eat it too (he wants you to be an equal financial contributor and still do the bulk of the housework/child rearing). Not unusual, but is a crappy situation.

Hire the housework out, tell DH to do his own damn cooking. My DH is low carb (easier to manage than vegan yes) and I try to make stuff he can eat, but if not, he makes his own food and/or supplements what I have made. . I’m not a short order cook, nor should you be. When he cooks, same applies: he makes meals he can eat, and I supplement for myself and kids by adding a starch or other side items if needed. And so on. We share the cooking 50/50ish.

Why are your finances separate?!?! Super weird.

The new job, increased hours should help. See how things shake out with the increased income.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The way you have framed it, the answer is obvious.

But it is also obvious the other party would frame those problems in a different way.

Maybe get counseling to present both sides of the story and see if compromise is possible.

This, above.

OP wants simplistic, clear cut "dump the MF" responses. Easy justification for running toward divorce, neat, fast and preferably lucrative.

What OP has not said if there has ever been any attempt to work on the marriage. NOT merely "we took a weekend away from the kids and spouse just slept and played with spouse's phone the whole time" nonsense. Actual work, effort, involving a third party like a therapist. Because if one side of the marriage is at the point the OP is at, to have written that post, well, it's going to take a neutral third party to help both spouses assess if there is a salvageable marriage.

OP, you titled your post "wanted: blunt truths from strangers." Why haven't you already sought out blunt truths from therapists?

You knew posting here would help you hear what you want to hear so you'd feel supported and justified. You might be totally in the right, but we can't know. You need serious professional help.

Before you come back to say "but spouse would never agree to that" OR "we tried and it was a bust" etc., well, if you want to keep the marriage--and find out if the person you cared for enough to marry him/her is still there--you would find another therapist who was a better fit, or would tell your spouse that the marriage depends on both of you being all in on therapy, and/or you would go to therapy solo if your spouse truly wouldn't ever go. Have you asked? Actually asked point blank? Or just assumed spouse would never seek help? Or are you so far gone in deciding you want to divorce that you don't want to ask, in case spouse says yes to therapy? Are you currently in solo therapy? If so, have you shown your therapist the list you gave us here?

[Anonymous]

based on the limited explanation from OP, I would file for divorce. Her husband won't change and the resentment will only get worse. And sounds like OP is essentially mother to a third child and she does not have a partner in any way.

I'm curious to know if OP's home has appreciated since they bought. If so, what does bean counting husband have to say about how "his" money was invested (as DP)?

It doesn't sound like there is much love or interest and I think counseling in this sort of situation is a complete waste of time and money.

[Anonymous]

why is "therapy" some people's answer to everything. lots of things can't be solved with therapy. But getting yourself out of a bad, loveless, toxic marriage can! Therapy is way overrated.

[Anonymous]

The driving thing is deeply, deeply weird.

[Anonymous]

your husband needs therapy.

your marriage has no romance and sounds like a bad business partnership.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did the higher earner get a DUI, or otherwise lose his license?

I know a family where the "higher earner" who is a partner in a Big Law firm lost his license due to repeated high speed tickets (kid in car). Wife had to drive him everywhere for something like 2 years. Was really burdensome.

Yep, my "high earner" ex lost his license for a year (except to drive to work) because of felony-level road rage.

Which meant he got absolutely wasted (and turned into a mean drunk) whenever we went out because I was driving. And he committed us to visiting family in remote places because I was driving.

That was pre-kids. I should have left then.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. To answer a few questions:

I’m the DW (shocker).
I work 25-30 hours/week in a flexible, patient-facing healthcare job and make about 1/3 of DH’s salary. Even before the pandemic, it was a stressful career. I’ve stayed in my position because I’m the de facto parent and household manager.
I’m starting a new job with a normal schedule and higher salary (about 75% of DH’s) soon. All legwork for finding camps/daycare was on me, as were the financial responsibilities.
DH pays the mortgage. I pay for everything else - food, utilities, clothing, other bills, transportation, insurance, household items. We used to split housing costs 50/50 before I flexed down as a new parent.
He put the down payment on our house. I paid all the renovation costs, bought appliances, and furnished it.
It took years to get him to agree to buy a house despite multiple pleas for the sake of everyone’s sanity. He was deeply resentful that I didn’t contribute more to the DP and that most of my assets are tied up in retirement.
He barely does anything around the house. Doesn’t take out trash and will leave things out for me to deal with. Won’t vacuum because it hurts his ears. Doesn’t do any laundry except his own.
DH has never liked driving. Before kids, this wasn’t a big deal. However, he let his license expire while I was pregnant with our younger kid and has been doing backflips to avoid renewing it. I drove myself to the hospital when I was in labor and have been the only licensed driver on big family road trips.
He’s vegan by choice (used to be a more relaxed vegetarian). I’m flexitarian and like a variety of foods. He imposes his food issues on our kids. Finding something for him to eat is always a challenge, plus he’s extremely unpleasant when he’s hungry.
We have normal BMIs for our height. No one has let themselves go.

Who just lets their license expire?? That is super weird, whether he likes driving or not. As in I suspect mental illness. How does he get to work? He just never leaves the house unless you drive him??

Sounds like he has OCD.

[Anonymous]

What normal adult let’s their driver’s license expire? And then doesn’t care. That is nuts. How does he function?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The driving thing is deeply, deeply weird.

Probably a phobia.