Wanted: blunt truths from strangers about this marriage

[Anonymous]

Is this sustainable?

10 years, hetero couple, 2 kids
Multiple no sex periods since 2013, with only sex in the past several years resulting in the 2 kids
Higher earning partner resents the lower earner's job
Higher earner expects the lower earner to contribute financially but also treats them like a housespouse
Higher earner uses large purchases that benefit the whole family (like a house) as justification for sulking if the lower earner doesn't do things like make them lunch when they're WFH
Higher earner barely does any household maintenance or chores, or does them poorly on rare occasions
One partner has chosen a restrictive diet and expects the other partner to cater to their sanctimonious preferences
One partner doesn't communicate well and treats the other partner like they're crazy for being vocal
One partner doesn't drive and expects the other partner to take them everywhere

[Anonymous]

You know the answer.

[Anonymous]

Divorce, get support from the high earner (not as much as entitled to - to avoid conflict) and live your life.
Seems like a very miserable marriage

[Anonymous]

The way you have framed it, the answer is obvious.

But it is also obvious the other party would frame those problems in a different way.

Maybe get counseling to present both sides of the story and see if compromise is possible.

[Anonymous]

I don’t know if it’s sustainable but if I felt that way about my partner I would leave. I honestly don’t think I would have stayed if that all had happened for more than a year (except the sex, I could handle that).

[Anonymous]

Geeze. Not sure why you try and write so cryptically when it's clear which one you are. Of course this marriage is awful. I suspect high earner wants low earner (you) to earn more because he/she wants to kick you to the curb but doesn't want to pay alimony. Go ahead and begin with divorce proceedings.

[Anonymous]

The funniest parts is calling them sanctimonious choices.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is this sustainable?

10 years, hetero couple, 2 kids
Multiple no sex periods since 2013, with only sex in the past several years resulting in the 2 kids
Higher earning partner resents the lower earner's job
Higher earner expects the lower earner to contribute financially but also treats them like a housespouse
Higher earner uses large purchases that benefit the whole family (like a house) as justification for sulking if the lower earner doesn't do things like make them lunch when they're WFH
Higher earner barely does any household maintenance or chores, or does them poorly on rare occasions
One partner has chosen a restrictive diet and expects the other partner to cater to their sanctimonious preferences
One partner doesn't communicate well and treats the other partner like they're crazy for being vocal
One partner doesn't drive and expects the other partner to take them everywhere

Interesting how the last 3 could be about the other partner or the writer.

[Anonymous]

I always suggest couples counseling first. For the kid's sake if nothing else. It's amazing what some (not all, but some) people will hear from a trained professional that they won't hear from a spouse. I would also feel better about leaving if I knew it had really given it my all.

If that doesn't work, then divorce. Living in a marriage full of resentment isn't healthy for anyone--including the kids.

[Anonymous]

I was the lower earning spouse. Got tired of the resentment from high earning spouse, even though spouse was only able to earn that amount since I gave up my career to support theirs.

Got divorced, and fought for every single penny I was entitled to, despite anger from spouse because it was “theirs”. No according to the law, mofo.

I’m assuming your the lower earning spouse and likely a woman. I know many women who divorced their much wealthier husbands and gave up what they were legally owed to “keep the peace”. They all regretted it. Jerks gonna jerk no matter what you do.

If you do go the divorce route, fight for everything you’re entitled to.

[Anonymous]

Possible entry from the other spouse:
10 years, hetero couple, 2 kids
Multiple no sex periods since 2013, with only sex in the past several years resulting in the 2 kids
Low earning partner doesn't contribute much to the family's financial well being, leaving higher earning partner to carry that stress and responsibility.
Higher earner has a heavier workload and stress level and relies on lower earning partner to be on first for house responsibilities
Higher earner underwrites the living costs of the entire family and expects lower earning partner to be an actual partner by taking on more household duties if he/she refuses to try and earn more income
Higher earner doesn't have time or energy to devote to household maintenance due to heavier work obligation, and besides, when he/she does, lower earning spouse just complains it wasn't done correctly.
One partner is trying to get healthy and wishes the other partner wasn't such a pig.
Both partners are shit at communicating. When one partner is vocal, it's usually just to complain and express dissatisfaction.
One partner doesn't drive because XXXXX and therefore relies on life partner to help.

[Anonymous]

I mean I'm not sure that there's anything WORTH saving in that awful marriage. The kids might be the only good thing, but nothing good was even said about them.

[Anonymous]

Y'all are making each other miserable, that much is clear.

[Anonymous]

OP - do not come to DCUM for validation of your feelings. Your feelings are valid. But you have to talk with your spouse.

My marriage has a lot of what is on your list: 2 kids, I am lower earning, pick up the household slack, do all the driving, have a spouse with a less adventurous palate. H

However, I speak up if I am not feeling enough love, respect, support and my spouse will adjust accordingly (and sorry, the sex is good, which helps a lot).

You HAVE to learn to communicate better together or you need a divorce. But you will both have the same problems in subsequent relationships if you do not learn how to listen, speak and empathize.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Y'all are making each other miserable, that much is clear.

This. And don’t know how to communicate or project and budget.