Wanted: blunt truths from strangers about this marriage

[Anonymous]

There's something weird in the way you "disguise" the actors in the marriage with your lower-earner, higher-earner stuff, while still showing it entirely from one POV.

I am not saying your husband isn't horrible. He may be. But you don't give him credit for a single positive or even neutral quality. There must be something keeping you from having already left.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There's something weird in the way you "disguise" the actors in the marriage with your lower-earner, higher-earner stuff, while still showing it entirely from one POV.

I am not saying your husband isn't horrible. He may be. But you don't give him credit for a single positive or even neutral quality. There must be something keeping you from having already left.

Kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The way you have framed it, the answer is obvious.

But it is also obvious the other party would frame those problems in a different way.

Maybe get counseling to present both sides of the story and see if compromise is possible.

+1

[Anonymous]

It's weird the way the last three are phrased, issn't it?

Presumably, the higher earner its the one with the restrictive food, and lower earner (who is expected to cook) resents it.

Also presumably, the higher earner I the bad communicator and doesn't like it when the lower earner voices complaints.

But then we get to the driving. why is that included in this very one-sided presentation? Does the lower earner not drive, and thus is worried about what might happen in terms of custody, living arrangements, work prospects, etc, if a separation/divorce happens? But then this is the first acknowledgement by the OP of something the lower earner does that's annoying/limiting. Or, is it the higher earner who doesn't drive? Which kind of makes no sense.

It's that last line that is really puzzling me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was the lower earning spouse. Got tired of the resentment from high earning spouse, even though spouse was only able to earn that amount since I gave up my career to support theirs.

Got divorced, and fought for every single penny I was entitled to, despite anger from spouse because it was “theirs”. No according to the law, mofo.

I’m assuming your the lower earning spouse and likely a woman. I know many women who divorced their much wealthier husbands and gave up what they were legally owed to “keep the peace”. They all regretted it. Jerks gonna jerk no matter what you do.

If you do go the divorce route, fight for everything you’re entitled to.

bolded is very important. If I kept my higher paying job that was also much more demanding, I'd be more stressed out, and our marriage/family would not be as content. And forget about sex. This all actually happened. It wasn't until I dialed back that everyone was less stressed and much more content.

My spouse makes more than I do, but not by much, and spouse still does a lot at home AND makes our lunch as we are all WFH. My job requires more meetings so I'm not able to prepare lunch or dinner for that matter, early enough.

I used to nickel and dime my spouse about who does what when I was earning more, and it really was unhealthy for our marriage. But, my spouse also realizes now how much I do so spouse picked up some of the mental effort that goes into taking care of kids/house and finances.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is this sustainable?

10 years, hetero couple, 2 kids
Multiple no sex periods since 2013, with only sex in the past several years resulting in the 2 kids
Higher earning partner resents the lower earner's job
Higher earner expects the lower earner to contribute financially but also treats them like a housespouse
Higher earner uses large purchases that benefit the whole family (like a house) as justification for sulking if the lower earner doesn't do things like make them lunch when they're WFH
Higher earner barely does any household maintenance or chores, or does them poorly on rare occasions
One partner has chosen a restrictive diet and expects the other partner to cater to their sanctimonious preferences
One partner doesn't communicate well and treats the other partner like they're crazy for being vocal
One partner doesn't drive and expects the other partner to take them everywhere

It doesn't sound sustainable. John Gottman is the guru genius of marriage counseling. He has done a ton of research that shows that marriages are often salvageable unless one of the "Four Horseman of the Apocalypse" have entered the relationship: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling.

So does the higher earner have contempt for the other spouse or is it just frustration? If it's contempt, DMFA. If it's frustration, the marriage might be salvageable.

Honestly, though words like "sanctimonious" and "crazy" and "sulking" sounds pretty contemptuous. If you all can't dial that back, it's probably over.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's weird the way the last three are phrased, issn't it?

Presumably, the higher earner its the one with the restrictive food, and lower earner (who is expected to cook) resents it.

Also presumably, the higher earner I the bad communicator and doesn't like it when the lower earner voices complaints.

But then we get to the driving. why is that included in this very one-sided presentation? Does the lower earner not drive, and thus is worried about what might happen in terms of custody, living arrangements, work prospects, etc, if a separation/divorce happens? But then this is the first acknowledgement by the OP of something the lower earner does that's annoying/limiting. Or, is it the higher earner who doesn't drive? Which kind of makes no sense.

It's that last line that is really puzzling me.

Not necessarily. Lower earner could have chosen a religious or ideological or health motivated diet that the higher earner resents. Higher earner could be voicing their complaints about lower earner that more introverted lower earner perceives as attacking while higher earner considers them several more direct and a problem-solver.
The driving thing is a mystery. Able bodied adults have to be able to drive. No excuses.

[Anonymous]

Did the higher earner get a DUI, or otherwise lose his license?

[Anonymous]

He sounds horrible OP. For one I would never want to be married to a man who doesn't like what I earn. I only dated guys that were ok with me working, or NOT working. I did both, and now am loving it because I won't ever go back to work. However, I do everything home related which is more than fair. Not to mention I make nice meals, have a clean home, pay bills, do the taxes, etc.

If I was in your situation I would stay married, but sock money away. Since he's a high earner I would probably only work p/t, and enjoy my kids more. I'd probably avoid him quite a bit actually if I were you.

[Anonymous]

It seems like one of the biggest conflicts here is the division of labor.

Does the low earner like their job? Does the family need their job (like, it is a $50K/$125K situation with a high mortgage, or a $45k/$800K situation where the lower earners income doesn't make a dent). If the later (or similar), and the job is not fulfilling, I'd encourage the lower earner to quit and find another form of fulfillment that isn't necessarily tied to income.

If you need both jobs, for any reason (money, fulfillment/satisfaction, etc...) I'd consider counseling to explore more equitably ways to divide up responsibilities, and/or try to understand the burdens each person feels they carry more fully.

It's also an option that the higher earner can look for a new job that is a better fit and makes them feel less resentment or stress.

If you start there, it is conceivable that some of the resentment/sex stuff resolves

[Anonymous]

OP here. To answer a few questions:

I’m the DW (shocker).
I work 25-30 hours/week in a flexible, patient-facing healthcare job and make about 1/3 of DH’s salary. Even before the pandemic, it was a stressful career. I’ve stayed in my position because I’m the de facto parent and household manager.
I’m starting a new job with a normal schedule and higher salary (about 75% of DH’s) soon. All legwork for finding camps/daycare was on me, as were the financial responsibilities.
DH pays the mortgage. I pay for everything else - food, utilities, clothing, other bills, transportation, insurance, household items. We used to split housing costs 50/50 before I flexed down as a new parent.
He put the down payment on our house. I paid all the renovation costs, bought appliances, and furnished it.
It took years to get him to agree to buy a house despite multiple pleas for the sake of everyone’s sanity. He was deeply resentful that I didn’t contribute more to the DP and that most of my assets are tied up in retirement.
He barely does anything around the house. Doesn’t take out trash and will leave things out for me to deal with. Won’t vacuum because it hurts his ears. Doesn’t do any laundry except his own.
DH has never liked driving. Before kids, this wasn’t a big deal. However, he let his license expire while I was pregnant with our younger kid and has been doing backflips to avoid renewing it. I drove myself to the hospital when I was in labor and have been the only licensed driver on big family road trips.
He’s vegan by choice (used to be a more relaxed vegetarian). I’m flexitarian and like a variety of foods. He imposes his food issues on our kids. Finding something for him to eat is always a challenge, plus he’s extremely unpleasant when he’s hungry.
We have normal BMIs for our height. No one has let themselves go.

[Anonymous]

You two are bean counters. This is not a marriage - it is a business arrangement. You need to be on the same team. Finances should be pooled, for starters.

As an able-bodied parent, he needs a valid license. And no family road trips with only one driver, period. Fly, take the train, etc.

The vegan forages for himself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. To answer a few questions:

I’m the DW (shocker).
I work 25-30 hours/week in a flexible, patient-facing healthcare job and make about 1/3 of DH’s salary. Even before the pandemic, it was a stressful career. I’ve stayed in my position because I’m the de facto parent and household manager.
I’m starting a new job with a normal schedule and higher salary (about 75% of DH’s) soon. All legwork for finding camps/daycare was on me, as were the financial responsibilities.
DH pays the mortgage. I pay for everything else - food, utilities, clothing, other bills, transportation, insurance, household items. We used to split housing costs 50/50 before I flexed down as a new parent.
He put the down payment on our house. I paid all the renovation costs, bought appliances, and furnished it.
It took years to get him to agree to buy a house despite multiple pleas for the sake of everyone’s sanity. He was deeply resentful that I didn’t contribute more to the DP and that most of my assets are tied up in retirement.
He barely does anything around the house. Doesn’t take out trash and will leave things out for me to deal with. Won’t vacuum because it hurts his ears. Doesn’t do any laundry except his own.
DH has never liked driving. Before kids, this wasn’t a big deal. However, he let his license expire while I was pregnant with our younger kid and has been doing backflips to avoid renewing it. I drove myself to the hospital when I was in labor and have been the only licensed driver on big family road trips.
He’s vegan by choice (used to be a more relaxed vegetarian). I’m flexitarian and like a variety of foods. He imposes his food issues on our kids. Finding something for him to eat is always a challenge, plus he’s extremely unpleasant when he’s hungry.
We have normal BMIs for our height. No one has let themselves go.

Honestly, your DH sounds high maintenance. That would drive me crazy. If I was high maintenance that would drive my DH crazy, too.

He's clearly resentful of you and a bean counter. My DH and I have learned in our 20 years together that a marriage based on bean counting is fraught with resentment and anger.

I think you guys need some therapy to handle the resentment, maybe on both sides.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did the higher earner get a DUI, or otherwise lose his license?

I know a family where the "higher earner" who is a partner in a Big Law firm lost his license due to repeated high speed tickets (kid in car). Wife had to drive him everywhere for something like 2 years. Was really burdensome.

[Anonymous]

He does not vacuum because it hurts his ears?! Lol.

Outsource cleaning when you have more HHI.

Find a counselor and work on more of a joint mindset esp re: finances, etc. To be on the safe side I would tee up my ducks in case of divorce. He will really try to screw you over.

He sounds like he has some mental health issues tbh.