Remarried boomer parent takes his wife and her adult kids and their families on vacation

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What is the dads POV here? It’s so bizarre when men prefer people who aren’t even related to them.

Who knows who dad prefers. But since his wife and his kids don’t get along, I’m sure no one would think planning a vacation together sounds like fun. OP should use one of the times that dad comes to visit without his wife as a time to take a short trip.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So they are much closer to them location wise, you and your brother don't seem to like her very much, and you are super concerned about the inheritance. Geez, no wonder your dad would prefer to spend more time with them.

This, a hundred times this. You do t want to travel with them. You don’t like her and treat her as a threat/intruder when she’s his wife and presumably his best friend. If you want time with him, or with him and her, reach out and let them know and see how it goes. And perhaps work on your wording as you refer to “his money” as, given they are married, it’s “their money.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mother is remarried and does the same thing. My half-siblings spend all holidays with my mom and her DH (we don’t), they are invited on vacations with them (we aren’t), they hang out on weekends (we don’t) and receive nice gifts.

It is very hurtful. But I’m hardened and used to it.

OP here. I'm sorry you go through this too. I feel like I'm becoming hardened and used to it too. But it still stings even after many years. Like I said, this isn't the first time I find something out like this. But I guess even more hurtful is the way he casually mentions it and brings it up. Makes me want to slap him.

Next time he casually mentions a trip, casually mention that you would love to do a similar trip with him and his wife. See what he says.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Be an adult OP and talk to him. Also don't know why you say the stepmother is so bad. Your dad is a pretty awful dad if he didnt step in once she kicked you out or the fact that he lets her decide food and everything.

My dad is a nice man but he lets his wife do whatever she wants and he acts oblivious to her behavior. My mom agreed this is how he has always been. They were married 18 years. And yeah, you're exactly right. He should have stepped in but he didn't.

That is not a “nice man.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It might be that his wife's family likes SPENDING TIME TOGETHER, whereas your focus seems to be having your dad TAKE YOU on a vacation.

Do you want to go on a vacation and spend time with your dad AND his wife?

No, it isn't that at all. My dad has never taken us on vacation. When my siblings and I were little (before my parents divorced), our grandparents used to take us on vacations together as a family and those were good memories. My siblings and I like spending time with my dad, but it's hard when his wife is around. She sours everything.

OP...please provide specific examples of what exactly your stepmom does to sour anything. You sound like you just don't like her.

Okay, well, growing up when it was my weekend to come over to my dad's, she would have tantrums and slam things around. She didn't like me going to the pantry to get even a bowl of cereal. Even if I was as careful as possible, she hated having anymore dishes in the dishwasher and acted like I would be making a mess. I was a clean kid and kind of

She would gossip to her friends about me (one told me) when I was a teenager. She said that she found my hair in the bathroom shower after I left one weekend. I was 16.

I was not allowed to have friends over to my dad's house growing up.

She would act angry and pissed off for no reason. She is an alcoholic.

When my sister became pregnant with her first child at 37, she took her up to the spare room to show her all the things she bought for her own daughter's second kid and didn't get my sister anything.

When my grandparents were living, they were never invited to my dad's home because my stepmom didn't want them over but she had all of her family over.

When my dad was at work one day when I was 18 and staying at my dad's for 2 weeks, she made me pack all my things and leave because she was mad that I was staying there and didn't want me there. I have always been polite to her. To be honest, I'm afraid of her.

Your father let this happen to his children for years without putting a halt to it, and you are hurt by the fact that he and his wife don’t want to vacation with you? Do you put it gently, I believe you may be missed directing your anger toward your father toward his wife. And come out really, you have such disdain and anger toward her, why would she want to vacation with you? And why would your dad want to give and he knows the strain ammonia? If you want to make progress with your dad especially, I would suggest going directly to the route of the limitations of your relationship and how he didn’t protect you growing up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Everyone here will tell you-- it's men. They get remarried and dump their bio kids in favor of the new wife's family or the kids they have together. Don't worry about the money, the 2nd wife (and her kids) will get any money inheritance.
I wouldn't tolerate it-- would just keep my distance.

OP here and I definitely feel this is the case with my dad. He still sees me and my siblings, but not as much as he sees his wife's kids. Even when he mentions it, I feel angry but I just smile and say "Oh that's nice. I'm glad you had a good time."

Are you saying the second wife and her kids will get all the inheritance?
My grandparents left it in a trust. Its supposed to go to my dad and then me and my siblings. But I accidentally got a document that my dad signed (he didn't mean to it include it in some other paperwork he gave to me) and it said that all of his money would be left to the wife. I really don't know if that means his money or my grandparents' trust and I'm not going to ask. But I don't want to be embattled with her one day.

I definitely do feel like I'm going to keep my distance more. My partner and I were considering moving back to my home state and this kind of shit makes me reconsider.

pp here- I just think that many re-married men "go with the flow." Your dad isn't necessarily prioritizing his wife's kids over you and your siblings-- he's prioritizing his wife, and she is putting her children first. In that sense, it's not personal-- it's just that he wants a happy home life, and it sounds like she is willing to make things difficult. It isn't always like this- my neighbors are both in a their second marriage- the DH's DD from his first marriage is treated like a daughter and full/equal member of the household when she stays.
Same with my close friend- she's bent over backwards for her step kids, treats them equally to her bio kids, and would take care of them and seek a close relationship and provide all support even if something happened to her DH-- but she's just a really nice person that some people are lucky to have in their lives.

OP here. This makes a lot of sense. Thanks for sharing your .02.

My mom is like your friend that you mentioned.

[Anonymous]

"My mom is like your friend that you mentioned."

This speaks volumes. You view you mom as a saint/martyr. Thus your stepmother is relegated to the role of evil woman who hates her husband's kids. Perhaps your mother influenced your attitude and your stepmother never stood a chance of being accepted.

This old stereotype and bigotry against women BY women needs to stop. Cinderella is a fairy tale.

The fact is there are two sides to every story. It would be interesting to know your father and his wife's perspectives. You are presenting yourself as an innocent who was neglected and abused in some way. That may not be the case.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"My mom is like your friend that you mentioned."

This speaks volumes. You view you mom as a saint/martyr. Thus your stepmother is relegated to the role of evil woman who hates her husband's kids. Perhaps your mother influenced your attitude and your stepmother never stood a chance of being accepted.

This old stereotype and bigotry against women BY women needs to stop. Cinderella is a fairy tale.

The fact is there are two sides to every story. It would be interesting to know your father and his wife's perspectives. You are presenting yourself as an innocent who was neglected and abused in some way. That may not be the case.

Oh FFS stop it. You're reading into things way too much and you sound crazy. I mentioned earlier I wasn't even allowed to mention my mom at all around my dad's wife when I was growing up. Like not even, "My mom drove me to school today." It was forbidden. My brother and sister also were not to do it.

We've always been nice to his wife. We aren't these evil kids. My mom adopted my brother and I. She's involved with my stepdad's kids and quit her teaching job to take care of my step siblings' kids full time.

Stop being so judgemental.

[Anonymous]

This is why I will never divorce my husband. Divorce has repercussions decades after the fact.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is why I will never divorce my husband. Divorce has repercussions decades after the fact.

Very true.
My dad's wife also keeps photos of all of HER kids and HER grandkids on big wall in the living room. There's not one of me or my siblings or our children. There are 5 grandkids from us. Not one photo of them there. It's sad when my nephew points it out and asks why they aren't on the wall with their cousins (my dad's wife's kid's kids).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"My mom is like your friend that you mentioned."

This speaks volumes. You view you mom as a saint/martyr. Thus your stepmother is relegated to the role of evil woman who hates her husband's kids. Perhaps your mother influenced your attitude and your stepmother never stood a chance of being accepted.

This old stereotype and bigotry against women BY women needs to stop. Cinderella is a fairy tale.

The fact is there are two sides to every story. It would be interesting to know your father and his wife's perspectives. You are presenting yourself as an innocent who was neglected and abused in some way. That may not be the case.

Wow, the troll butthurt dad (who ALWAYS always always tries to frame every situation as the bio mom's fault/the mom is evil, etc) from all of the other threads has found a way to chime in on this one! Except this time he's trying to put the blame on mom by gaslighting the adult child in the situation and trying to deny what she experienced and is currently experiencing.

OP, ignore this drivel.

Troll, please crawl back into the cardboard box from which you came.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm sorry to say that the problem is with your dad. He's allowing his wife to treat his kids this way and that's sad. The truth is that blended families are not easy. I don't know your situation but if typical, the new wife will do everything she can to get you and your siblings out of the picture. Your dad has allowed this to happen for 20 years! He's the bad guy here. You need to have a conversation with him and let him know how you feel.
As for the inheritance, that's tricky but I don't know if you have much recourse. This is why my wife and I were very intentional with our estate planning. If my wife predeceases me our money goes into a trust and some of it gets locked away for our kids. We did it that way to protect our kids if either of us remarry.
Good luck to you and your siblings.

[Anonymous]

OP-Anybody else dealing with parents like this where they
have a separate life with their other family?


Yes. And eventually we became, "the kids from Bob's first marriage." Dad's 2nd wife's family became his family. And we became slowly buy surely replaced. Wife made some joke about dad's will early in their engagement...in hindsight it was always in the cards.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Everyone here will tell you-- it's men. They get remarried and dump their bio kids in favor of the new wife's family or the kids they have together. Don't worry about the money, the 2nd wife (and her kids) will get any money inheritance.
I wouldn't tolerate it-- would just keep my distance.

+100

[Anonymous]

Then say something. No frame it in terms of all you do this with them and not with us if you do that you’ll come off as jealous, frame it in terms of ‘I want to grow our relationship, I want to be closer, I’d like to do things with you , I love you I enjoy your company I’d like the kids to see you more let’s plan on doing something together. If you don’t, that’s on you if you sit and stew and don’t let them know what you feel and what you want.