How to make a kid feel better about the college options they have

[Anonymous]

My kid had similar stats or better and applied to 2 of your safeties. We treated them as matches. Her safeties were schools that had higher admission rates. And that was a few years ago. This year, kids should have applied even more broadly. Your DD was lucky and has good options.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I also have a high achiever who would have been disappointed if she went to one of her safeties. Anyone would be hurt after two ED rejections. This is a tough year.

W&M Monroe is a great option for a lot of Va folks on this board, but I know my kid and almost all others at our school and in our circle (not a big 3) are hoping to leave the area and go somewhere new where they aren’t going to be one of hundreds from Nova.

It’s not exactly a lottery in that kids put a lot of work into their high school academics and activities, and then more work crafting great essays for each school. Sure, kids can be prepped for disappointing news, but after a pandemic and everything else these kids have been through, I think we can have a bit of empathy that this is a hard process.

But DCUM would rather name call and pile on. Sorry, OP. I hope your daughter gets some good news soon.

It's a lottery. There are FAR more qualified kids than spots at all of the "top" colleges -- and frankly, at many of the lesser-ranked schools. Lots of kids work hard to qualify for that lottery, but there are just no guarantees.

I think that OP's daughter has had her expectations overhyped. She got into three very good schools so far, and thinking of attending them as a waste is both objectively ridiculous and not constructive. She'll get there and be surrounded by smart, hardworking, talented kids.

Also, don't apply to a "safety" that you wouldn't actually want to attend.

+100 way more qualified people than there are spots at “top” schools. Sounds like everyone here (DD, mom, counselor) has been both naive and have had the wrong attitude from the beginning.

[Anonymous]

^ have not has

[Anonymous]

Accepted at 3/3 safeties (Skidmore, Grinnell, W&M Monroe Scholars) but says she'll be disappointed if she ends up at any of them, and that she'll feel like she's worked so hard in high school for nothing.

Are you friggin' kidding me? You consider Grinnell and W&M safeties? Check your privilege.

[Anonymous]

Why did she pick safeties she wouldn’t be happy to attend? Doesn’t that make them not really safeties?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let her mope and just say she'll end up at the school she's meant to be. Her hard work in high school isn't for nothing. She can put the skills and traits she built up to use in high school at a place that is happy to have her and has all the resources she needs to succeed.

OP here: I've told her this- her response is that she hates this determinist attitude since she's worked too hard to throw her hands up and trust in fate.

Worked too hard?
Please.

What about the students who have to work to help their families? What about the students who care for siblings or grandparents? The ones who worked just as hard as she did if not more on classwork and extra-curriculars and didn't get in their top choice either? Why does she think her hard work entitles her to her top choice?

You’re an idiot. Go away.

DP but on the contrary, PPP is correct. All signs point to OP's daughter not having an appropriate sense of perspective. She's been admitted to very good schools and will be fine either way.

[Anonymous]

The best time to address this was when child was growing up by not teaching them to expect that they would get everything they wanted.

The next best time to address this was when putting together the college application list by stressing the "lottery" aspect of those top schools instead of the "you have great stats so you're a great fit" aspect.

Now, you'll just need to give her some time to adjust. She'll get there.
Kids need to learn to cope with disappointments in life. If this is the first time she has not gotten something big that she wanted, it is a learning opportunity for her. Let her have it--don't try to fix her feelings. You will not always be there in life to do so--she needs to learn how to do it herself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP: as a mom of a kid who was deferred from 7 schools--including 3 safeties (and I'm talking real safeties--like over 75% acceptance safeties) during the EA round, I received lots of nice support here when I expressed my frustration. So I really wanted to do that for you, too. Until I read that she was accepted into Monroe Scholars at W&M and that's not good enough for her, or evidently, you. Those schools she has been accepted into so far are not safeties for anybody, and particularly not with her stats (I'm guessing this is not an NCS or Sidwell student or you would have said "Big 3"). Your daughter has options that most kids would be proud of, and she should be, too. But I don't think anything anybody says here will help.

+1. OP read the room. You acknowledge that this admission season has been a bloodbath for all, yet you post that you and your child are dissatisfied with options like Monroe Scholars, knowing that many families with kids with high/solid would be so proud and elated to have those options. You can blame the counselor for stoking your lofty expectations in the beginning of the season, but you can’t blame her for perpetuating that sense of entitlement with your child (and here on this board) when you know full well what everyone else (including many similarly situated families) is going through now.

OP does not care what other students are going through now, even (especially) if they have higher stats (higher test scores, higher GPA, all APs) than her kid and are getting in to what OP would consider lesser schools. OP thinks she bought the golden ticket for her kid, and when she found out (in OPs mind) it was just the silver ticket, now she wants to talk to the manager.

OP, you should have done what other moms like you do and flirt with the coach for the sport your kid barely plays.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The best time to address this was when child was growing up by not teaching them to expect that they would get everything they wanted.

The next best time to address this was when putting together the college application list by stressing the "lottery" aspect of those top schools instead of the "you have great stats so you're a great fit" aspect.

Now, you'll just need to give her some time to adjust. She'll get there.
Kids need to learn to cope with disappointments in life. If this is the first time she has not gotten something big that she wanted, it is a learning opportunity for her. Let her have it--don't try to fix her feelings. You will not always be there in life to do so--she needs to learn how to do it herself.

+1

Give you kid the biggest gift of all OP, coping mechanisms to get through life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My kid had similar stats or better and applied to 2 of your safeties. We treated them as matches. Her safeties were schools that had higher admission rates. And that was a few years ago. This year, kids should have applied even more broadly. Your DD was lucky and has good options.

+1

This year, safeties are matches. Probably for the next couple of years, until the deferments die down. I work for a college, I am seeing it every day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I also have a high achiever who would have been disappointed if she went to one of her safeties. Anyone would be hurt after two ED rejections. This is a tough year.

W&M Monroe is a great option for a lot of Va folks on this board, but I know my kid and almost all others at our school and in our circle (not a big 3) are hoping to leave the area and go somewhere new where they aren’t going to be one of hundreds from Nova.

It’s not exactly a lottery in that kids put a lot of work into their high school academics and activities, and then more work crafting great essays for each school. Sure, kids can be prepped for disappointing news, but after a pandemic and everything else these kids have been through, I think we can have a bit of empathy that this is a hard process.

But DCUM would rather name call and pile on. Sorry, OP. I hope your daughter gets some good news soon.

It's a lottery. There are FAR more qualified kids than spots at all of the "top" colleges -- and frankly, at many of the lesser-ranked schools. Lots of kids work hard to qualify for that lottery, but there are just no guarantees.

I think that OP's daughter has had her expectations overhyped. She got into three very good schools so far, and thinking of attending them as a waste is both objectively ridiculous and not constructive. She'll get there and be surrounded by smart, hardworking, talented kids.

Also, don't apply to a "safety" that you wouldn't actually want to attend.

+100 way more qualified people than there are spots at “top” schools. Sounds like everyone here (DD, mom, counselor) has been both naive and have had the wrong attitude from the beginning.

+1

This year , college admissions is absolutely a lottery, especially at the top schools.

[Anonymous]

Definitely don some active and empathetic listening-that's tough, sounds like things are feeling unfair to you, But also set some limits, "we've been talking about this for 15 minutes, let's take a break and focus on something else." I would really recommend not trying to solve the percieved problem or try to get her to feel good about her options. Her responses and feelings are part of growing up, by letting her experience them without swooping in to make the bad feeling go away you are helping her mature.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let her mope and just say she'll end up at the school she's meant to be. Her hard work in high school isn't for nothing. She can put the skills and traits she built up to use in high school at a place that is happy to have her and has all the resources she needs to succeed.

OP here: I've told her this- her response is that she hates this determinist attitude since she's worked too hard to throw her hands up and trust in fate.

It was not just fate. She constructed her list of schools. She should have liked something about the safeties or they should not have made it on her list.

If she is JUSt being driven by rankings/status/competitiveness (with peers), then that is a problem. She will always find someone with more than she has. It is a bad way to go through life.

I understand her disappointment, but suspect once she gets into the school she chooses (from multiple options, which is a good position to be in), she will probably grow to love it.

Maybe have her read " Where you go is not who you'll be"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was with you until I read where she has been accepted - she will find students at all 3 of those colleges who meet or exceed her stats. I hope that she has been counseled that everyone trying for admission at ivies has excellent stats, and most don’t get accepted. This is a good lesson in taking a brief time to mourn the loss, and then moving on and making the most of her great options.

+1

“Worked so hard in high school for nothing“ is completely ridiculous here. It isn’t about the school she attends, it is about her. And the schools where she has been accepted are full of high performers.

[Anonymous]

Remind her that if she wants to go to graduate school, then she can always try for her dream schools then.