Do you have a difficult child and how do you define one? Not special needs. Just difficult.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I may be speaking too soon because my "difficult" child is the youngest of three and only 2 years old. My other 2 kids are pretty well-behaved and listen. At school, she gives the teachers NO problems and will use the potty. It's a different story at home. She has accidents on herself, runs off when we tell her to stop doing something and just seems to enjoy getting us worked up as well as her siblings.

It's extremely frustrating and I try my best to acknowledge that she may be doing it for attention or her behavior may be due to lack of sleep (she doesn't nap at home). It does not help that she was our "oops" baby and even responding to this post alone makes me feel guilty! I often have to take breaks and check myself because I know spanking is not the answer but I haven't figured an effective method out yet.

If spanking truly worked you wouldn't have to do it more than once. You're spanking out of anger and frustration which is exactly the WRONG time to spank (though I think there is no right time).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I may be speaking too soon because my "difficult" child is the youngest of three and only 2 years old. My other 2 kids are pretty well-behaved and listen. At school, she gives the teachers NO problems and will use the potty. It's a different story at home. She has accidents on herself, runs off when we tell her to stop doing something and just seems to enjoy getting us worked up as well as her siblings.

It's extremely frustrating and I try my best to acknowledge that she may be doing it for attention or her behavior may be due to lack of sleep (she doesn't nap at home). It does not help that she was our "oops" baby and even responding to this post alone makes me feel guilty! I often have to take breaks and check myself because I know spanking is not the answer but I haven't figured an effective method out yet.

If spanking truly worked you wouldn't have to do it more than once. You're spanking out of anger and frustration which is exactly the WRONG time to spank (though I think there is no right time).

OP here. You are correct and that's why we don't spank our kids and the breaks are necessary so I don't reach that point. Guess I should have worded this differently!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I may be speaking too soon because my "difficult" child is the youngest of three and only 2 years old. My other 2 kids are pretty well-behaved and listen. At school, she gives the teachers NO problems and will use the potty. It's a different story at home. She has accidents on herself, runs off when we tell her to stop doing something and just seems to enjoy getting us worked up as well as her siblings.

It's extremely frustrating and I try my best to acknowledge that she may be doing it for attention or her behavior may be due to lack of sleep (she doesn't nap at home). It does not help that she was our "oops" baby and even responding to this post alone makes me feel guilty! I often have to take breaks and check myself because I know spanking is not the answer but I haven't figured an effective method out yet.

Wow, you sound like my mom. She's pretty much screwed when she needs help as is my Dad. They choose my sibling to handle things and she has never handled anything in her life. I was the unwanted oops kid. I have zero relationship with any of them.

I'm sorry to hear that. For the record, I should have also added that this is probably normal toddler behavior. I take breaks to calm down so that I do not reach that point where I am completely checked out or resort to hitting.

Lord my venting post is getting completely misinterpreted. I should just delete now

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I may be speaking too soon because my "difficult" child is the youngest of three and only 2 years old. My other 2 kids are pretty well-behaved and listen. At school, she gives the teachers NO problems and will use the potty. It's a different story at home. She has accidents on herself, runs off when we tell her to stop doing something and just seems to enjoy getting us worked up as well as her siblings.

It's extremely frustrating and I try my best to acknowledge that she may be doing it for attention or her behavior may be due to lack of sleep (she doesn't nap at home). It does not help that she was our "oops" baby and even responding to this post alone makes me feel guilty! I often have to take breaks and check myself because I know spanking is not the answer but I haven't figured an effective method out yet.

Wow, you sound like my mom. She's pretty much screwed when she needs help as is my Dad. They choose my sibling to handle things and she has never handled anything in her life. I was the unwanted oops kid. I have zero relationship with any of them.

I'm sorry to hear that. For the record, I should have also added that this is probably normal toddler behavior. I take breaks to calm down so that I do not reach that point where I am completely checked out or resort to hitting.

Lord my venting post is getting completely misinterpreted. I should just delete now

Poor kid.

[Anonymous]

Constantly challenging authority. Argumentative.

Inflexible. Never goes with the flow.

Emotionally volatile.

[Anonymous]

Big emotions about little things. Example: me: it’s cold outside; you need to wear a sweater. My son: Starts crying and screaming, says “this is the most horrible day ever” stomps off to his room and slams drawers looking for a sweater.

Very hard on himself/a perfectionist. Me: wow I really like your drawing. You added so many nice details and colors. Him: I did a terrible job see this [stray mark] here? It’s one of my worst drawings ever.

Very competitive to the point he won’t even participate in competitions bc he hates losing/not being the best so much. So he refuses to even try to participate in sports or most games. He also refuses to even attempt to learn new skills like pump his own legs and swing himself on the swings or try riding his bike without training wheels, etc. He’s definitely strong and coordinated enough to do these things he just flat refuses to try.

Very smart and has hard time relating to kids his own age. He’s 6 and in kindergarten but reads at a 3rd grade level and reads anything he can get his hands on including a lot about science and history so he knows a lot for his age but doesn’t have the maturity to process it and will just talk and talk about things to the point another kid (and most adults too) isn’t interested. analyzes and questions everything, takes nothing at face value. Always has to know the “why” and doesn’t comply easily w requests/instructions.

Is highly sensitive and has a great/long memory. At 6 he will still bring up things that happened when he was 2 completely on his own and take himself back to that moment to rehash how he felt at the time. His feelings are intense. He gets his feelings hurt extremely easily. There’s no joking around or being silly w him. He’s a serious sensitive kid pretty much all the time which can be exhausting.

He’s just complicated. Things aren’t simple w him. I worry about if he’s happy because he often doesn’t seem like he is though he has a good life w 2 loving parents, loving and involved grandparents and a younger sister who adores him (and he adores her too) but struggles socially w his peers. We love him so much but it’s just pretty draining and exhausting sometimes to know how to best parent him when it feels like many things w him are an uphill battle.

[Anonymous]

an explosive child lacks important skills:

- flexibility/adaptability, frustration tolerance, problem solving

You can find an assessment of these lagging skills here:

https://www.livesinthebalance.org/sites/default/files/ALSUP%202020.pdf

things like difficulty handling transitions (my baby had a horrible time handling the transition from being dry to being in the bath; and then once he got used to being in the bath he had a horrible time transitioning to being out of the bath. When I say horrible I mean long, long screams both times.)

difficulty managing emotional responses

chronic irritibility

difficulty coming up with alternatives

difficulty shifting from initial plan to a new one (especially based on changing circumstances) If I told him we were going to the park, and then we got their and the park was off limits for some reason... temper tantrum would ensue.

difficulty handling unpredictability, ambiguity, anything outside of the routine. Can't go with the flow.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So many people say "my child is difficult" but don't elaborate. Just sight and look sad. What does it mean to have difficult child.
If you think your kid is difficult, why? What make them difficult and how do you know they are not just being a kid?

I was the difficult child. As a baby, I didn't want my mother to rock me, but wanted to rock myself in the rocking chair (this was a big deal to her). I was very high energy. As a baby and kid, I was super sensitive to both light and sound. The sun was too bright (literally - to this day I get migraines and overheat if I'm in the sun too long). But I also hated dim lighting, like ambiance lighting in restaurants. I was afraid of water and never wanted to take baths or showers. I don't think I washed my face until I was in late high school. I was afraid of fire. I failed 8th grade science because I couldn't bring myself to use the bunsen burners and didn't tell my teacher. I still can't use matches. I was a picky eater, and still am. I've gone to parties and drank 7 or 8 glasses of water but eaten nothing because i didn't like the food. I am smart but have severe learning disabilities that weren't diagnosed until I was 19. So I grew up being told I should do better, be better, but I couldn't and didn't know why. I have been fired from many, many jobs that I try SO HARD at. I couldn't make or keep friends. In my entire childhood I got invited to two sleepovers. I stopped having birthday parties after 2nd grade because I didn't have friends to invite to them. There are some really basic things that I can't figure out how to do - like make a baked potato or clean a cast iron pan. I ask the same question 3 or 4 or even 6 times, and then nod and smile and stop asking because I'm embarrassed to still not understand. I could go on and on but you get the idea.

It sounds like you have high functioning autism PP. I recommend that you get evaluated. It could help you.

[Anonymous]

This has been an informative thread for me. My older son (5.5) is very challenging. I really related to the comment about parenting books not making sense with him and it being like this since literally the day of his birth when my OB said "wow, he is the most alert baby I've ever seen." Thanks to all for sharing perspectives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So many people say "my child is difficult" but don't elaborate. Just sight and look sad. What does it mean to have difficult child.
If you think your kid is difficult, why? What make them difficult and how do you know they are not just being a kid?

I was the difficult child. As a baby, I didn't want my mother to rock me, but wanted to rock myself in the rocking chair (this was a big deal to her). I was very high energy. As a baby and kid, I was super sensitive to both light and sound. The sun was too bright (literally - to this day I get migraines and overheat if I'm in the sun too long). But I also hated dim lighting, like ambiance lighting in restaurants. I was afraid of water and never wanted to take baths or showers. I don't think I washed my face until I was in late high school. I was afraid of fire. I failed 8th grade science because I couldn't bring myself to use the bunsen burners and didn't tell my teacher. I still can't use matches. I was a picky eater, and still am. I've gone to parties and drank 7 or 8 glasses of water but eaten nothing because i didn't like the food. I am smart but have severe learning disabilities that weren't diagnosed until I was 19. So I grew up being told I should do better, be better, but I couldn't and didn't know why. I have been fired from many, many jobs that I try SO HARD at. I couldn't make or keep friends. In my entire childhood I got invited to two sleepovers. I stopped having birthday parties after 2nd grade because I didn't have friends to invite to them. There are some really basic things that I can't figure out how to do - like make a baked potato or clean a cast iron pan. I ask the same question 3 or 4 or even 6 times, and then nod and smile and stop asking because I'm embarrassed to still not understand. I could go on and on but you get the idea.

It sounds like you have high functioning autism PP. I recommend that you get evaluated. It could help you.

You are umm ... not the first person to say that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So many people say "my child is difficult" but don't elaborate. Just sight and look sad. What does it mean to have difficult child.
If you think your kid is difficult, why? What make them difficult and how do you know they are not just being a kid?

I was the difficult child. As a baby, I didn't want my mother to rock me, but wanted to rock myself in the rocking chair (this was a big deal to her). I was very high energy. As a baby and kid, I was super sensitive to both light and sound. The sun was too bright (literally - to this day I get migraines and overheat if I'm in the sun too long). But I also hated dim lighting, like ambiance lighting in restaurants. I was afraid of water and never wanted to take baths or showers. I don't think I washed my face until I was in late high school. I was afraid of fire. I failed 8th grade science because I couldn't bring myself to use the bunsen burners and didn't tell my teacher. I still can't use matches. I was a picky eater, and still am. I've gone to parties and drank 7 or 8 glasses of water but eaten nothing because i didn't like the food. I am smart but have severe learning disabilities that weren't diagnosed until I was 19. So I grew up being told I should do better, be better, but I couldn't and didn't know why. I have been fired from many, many jobs that I try SO HARD at. I couldn't make or keep friends. In my entire childhood I got invited to two sleepovers. I stopped having birthday parties after 2nd grade because I didn't have friends to invite to them. There are some really basic things that I can't figure out how to do - like make a baked potato or clean a cast iron pan. I ask the same question 3 or 4 or even 6 times, and then nod and smile and stop asking because I'm embarrassed to still not understand. I could go on and on but you get the idea.

It sounds like you have high functioning autism PP. I recommend that you get evaluated. It could help you.

You are umm ... not the first person to say that.

Or inattentive parents and teachers who failed to meet their needs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think sometimes difficult is a code word for I don't like my kid or they aren't perfect in my eyes or not like me. My sister got straight A's in school and was very similar them. I tried hard to please. Helped around the house (she didn't), didn't party but never could get straight A's. Nothing I did was ever good enough and there was always a triangle with my sibling and parents.

SN - my child was late on all their developmental stages and couldn't communicate verbally or understand. Knew to get help and find different ways to make it work. Many many hours of therapies and help (and child came out just fine). You have to take the time to know your child, try many different things to find ways to make them work, not pit kids against each other, spend time with each one and value who they are.

this is my case exactly. Kid is easy, I know it, but very different from me. Not a people pleaser. Not nice and polite with adults (very reserved, to the point of seeming rude). Very selective in his friendships. Somewhat pessimistic. Doesn't like achieving/hard work/challenge.
The only thing similar to me is his propensity of words and playing with them/joking.
But in other things he is easy and I know it. He is just very different.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think sometimes difficult is a code word for I don't like my kid or they aren't perfect in my eyes or not like me. My sister got straight A's in school and was very similar them. I tried hard to please. Helped around the house (she didn't), didn't party but never could get straight A's. Nothing I did was ever good enough and there was always a triangle with my sibling and parents.

SN - my child was late on all their developmental stages and couldn't communicate verbally or understand. Knew to get help and find different ways to make it work. Many many hours of therapies and help (and child came out just fine). You have to take the time to know your child, try many different things to find ways to make them work, not pit kids against each other, spend time with each one and value who they are.

this is my case exactly. Kid is easy, I know it, but very different from me. Not a people pleaser. Not nice and polite with adults (very reserved, to the point of seeming rude). Very selective in his friendships. Somewhat pessimistic. Doesn't like achieving/hard work/challenge.
The only thing similar to me is his propensity of words and playing with them/joking.
But in other things he is easy and I know it. He is just very different.

Work with him. Model behavior. Insist he is nice and polite. It take work for many kids. He sound like a great kid and putting in the effort usually pays off. My kid is the exact opposite of us. It makes them especially and we find every way to support their interests and instead of changing them, we have changed.

[Anonymous]

Propensity for!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think sometimes difficult is a code word for I don't like my kid or they aren't perfect in my eyes or not like me. My sister got straight A's in school and was very similar them. I tried hard to please. Helped around the house (she didn't), didn't party but never could get straight A's. Nothing I did was ever good enough and there was always a triangle with my sibling and parents.

SN - my child was late on all their developmental stages and couldn't communicate verbally or understand. Knew to get help and find different ways to make it work. Many many hours of therapies and help (and child came out just fine). You have to take the time to know your child, try many different things to find ways to make them work, not pit kids against each other, spend time with each one and value who they are.

this is my case exactly. Kid is easy, I know it, but very different from me. Not a people pleaser. Not nice and polite with adults (very reserved, to the point of seeming rude). Very selective in his friendships. Somewhat pessimistic. Doesn't like achieving/hard work/challenge.
The only thing similar to me is his propensity of words and playing with them/joking.
But in other things he is easy and I know it. He is just very different.

Work with him. Model behavior. Insist he is nice and polite. It take work for many kids. He sound like a great kid and putting in the effort usually pays off. My kid is the exact opposite of us. It makes them especially and we find every way to support their interests and instead of changing them, we have changed.

Yes, you captured it for me: it seems like parenting him is work work work. My day is 90% making him do something he doesn't want to do, and 5% trying to recover from it, lol. 5% is for small stuff we both enjoy. Like a conversation that isn't about his stupid youtube videos. Or him actually wanting to do something more or less productive. But mostly he just complies with whatever he is told. I select activities not on the basis of him liking them, but rather on the basis of him not actively refusing If I don't hear moaning and groaning, he likes it. If he says "it was ok", it was great. Not a very rewarding personality, lol.
He wasn't always like that. Started changing around 6, and 6-8 were horrible years. Like I would arrive for pickup, and sit in the car for a few minutes just dreading the moment he is in the car and some sort of drama ensues. He started easing up around 9, and at almost 11 he is quite all right. Doesn't love what he is being told to do, but complies and doesn't give me too much headache.