Do you have a difficult child and how do you define one? Not special needs. Just difficult.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I may be speaking too soon because my "difficult" child is the youngest of three and only 2 years old. My other 2 kids are pretty well-behaved and listen. At school, she gives the teachers NO problems and will use the potty. It's a different story at home. She has accidents on herself, runs off when we tell her to stop doing something and just seems to enjoy getting us worked up as well as her siblings.

It's extremely frustrating and I try my best to acknowledge that she may be doing it for attention or her behavior may be due to lack of sleep (she doesn't nap at home). It does not help that she was our "oops" baby and even responding to this post alone makes me feel guilty! I often have to take breaks and check myself because I know spanking is not the answer but I haven't figured an effective method out yet.

If spanking truly worked you wouldn't have to do it more than once. You're spanking out of anger and frustration which is exactly the WRONG time to spank (though I think there is no right time).

Wait... what? You could say the same for every positive parenting technique in the book! I'm not a huge fan of spanking, but nothing reliably "works" after the first time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I may be speaking too soon because my "difficult" child is the youngest of three and only 2 years old. My other 2 kids are pretty well-behaved and listen. At school, she gives the teachers NO problems and will use the potty. It's a different story at home. She has accidents on herself, runs off when we tell her to stop doing something and just seems to enjoy getting us worked up as well as her siblings.

It's extremely frustrating and I try my best to acknowledge that she may be doing it for attention or her behavior may be due to lack of sleep (she doesn't nap at home). It does not help that she was our "oops" baby and even responding to this post alone makes me feel guilty! I often have to take breaks and check myself because I know spanking is not the answer but I haven't figured an effective method out yet.

Wow, you sound like my mom. She's pretty much screwed when she needs help as is my Dad. They choose my sibling to handle things and she has never handled anything in her life. I was the unwanted oops kid. I have zero relationship with any of them.

I'm sorry to hear that. For the record, I should have also added that this is probably normal toddler behavior. I take breaks to calm down so that I do not reach that point where I am completely checked out or resort to hitting.

Lord my venting post is getting completely misinterpreted. I should just delete now

When my daughter (now 9) was that age, she was exactly the same way. She was our first, got plenty of attention, etc., but she was SO difficult at home and SO ANGELIC at school and for babysitters. She's easier all the way around now. Still has explosions, but they are few and far between. If I had to go back in time, I would try to handle more of the defiance with humor.

[Anonymous]

[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I may be speaking too soon because my "difficult" child is the youngest of three and only 2 years old. My other 2 kids are pretty well-behaved and listen. At school, she gives the teachers NO problems and will use the potty. It's a different story at home. She has accidents on herself, runs off when we tell her to stop doing something and just seems to enjoy getting us worked up as well as her siblings.

It's extremely frustrating and I try my best to acknowledge that she may be doing it for attention or her behavior may be due to lack of sleep (she doesn't nap at home). It does not help that she was our "oops" baby and even responding to this post alone makes me feel guilty! I often have to take breaks and check myself because I know spanking is not the answer but I haven't figured an effective method out yet. [/quote]

Wow, you sound like my mom. She's pretty much screwed when she needs help as is my Dad. They choose my sibling to handle things and she has never handled anything in her life. I was the unwanted oops kid. I have zero relationship with any of them. [/quote]

I'm sorry to hear that. For the record, I should have also added that this is probably normal toddler behavior. I take breaks to calm down so that I do not reach that point where I am completely checked out or resort to hitting.

Lord my venting post is getting completely misinterpreted. I should just delete now [/quote]


When my daughter (now 9) was that age, she was exactly the same way. She was our first, got plenty of attention, etc., but she was SO difficult at home and SO ANGELIC at school and for babysitters. She's easier all the way around now. Still has explosions, but they are few and far between. If I had to go back in time, I would try to handle more of the defiance with humor. [/quote]

Agree completely. Meeting my difficult child with commands, and then ratcheting up the imperiousness and then anger when he did not comply was just the worst way to deal with him. (His relationships with teachers like this over the years were disastrous.) The best way to deal with him was with a good and humor and play. Don't give an order to pick up his toys, challenge him to see how quickly he can do it. "Can you (insert task here) in 30 seconds? Hurry up, I'm going to time you to see!" can work wonders. For a long time DS1 and I raced every morning to see who could get dressed first.

I also tried to give him face- saving outs and do-overs when things were getting out of hand. One of my best tricks when he was a preschooler (I must have read about this somewhere) was, when I found myself in some battle of wills with him that was ratcheting up, was to say, "I feel like I'm getting angry and I need to start over" and I would literally twirl around and then face him and say whatever it was I wanted from him in an entirely different, friendly tone, with a smile on my face, like it was the first time I was asking, not the 25th. This was oddly successful and taught me that he often got himself into disagreements that he didn't want to continue but that he couldn't let himself back down from. Once I started doing the "startover," I got him to do it, too. So if he was being rude, instead of getting angry or somehow reactive, I would say, again in a neutral tone (tone was everything!), "Wow, I'm not sure that came out the way you wanted it to, do you want to start over?" As a preschooler, he would do the twirl around, but this general approach-- giving him a chance to try again without consequence--worked into the teen years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Makes me think... I know a difficult adult - very negative and stubborn. I wonder if she was a difficult child. She doesn’t get along with her parents too well but I thought it was more about them.
Do difficult children ever grow out of it? Barring special needs.

Grow out of what, specifically? Some kids are difficult because they are very independent and opinionated. Those are qualities that can serve an adult very well but can make for a very challenging 8 year old. Likewise, an 8 year old who does whatever she is told and knows how to accommodate others is an exceedingly easy child, but might have huge issues as an adult if she doesn't learn to assert herself or to question whether every rule needs to be followed.

A difficult kid isn't a "bad" kid. Precocious kids are often difficult because they behave and want to be treated like small adults, and that's not only counter to how our society thinks about children but it can also be illegal.

So to say you know a difficult adult... it may have no correlation whatsoever. If she is negative and stubborn with you, that reflects your relationship with her. A lot of the challenges of difficult kids stem from the fact that as their parent or teacher, you are an authority figure and that places you in opposition to a child who is determined to be their own authority. But it would be odd to have that relationship with a fellow adult unless you are their boss, and even then your authority would begin and end in the workplace.

It's possible she was a difficult child whose parents never figured out how to deal with her independence or individualism. That could lead her to be stubborn and negative as an adult because that was the dynamic she was raised in. But that would still be a product of poor parenting. An adult can be difficult to get along with, but that's a distinctly different issue than having a child who is difficult to parent. If you don't get along with an adult you can just distance yourself. That's not an option (or shouldn't be an option) for parents.

She is not negative towards me and is pretty agreeable in fact.
However she gives negative opinions about things, she likes to argue with customer service reps of all sorts (the reason I stopped inviting her to join me on the nights out), and is pessimistic.
I would hope that kids of this sort don’t stay that way.
As for precocious kids who are like small adults - I have one of those and some skepticism is part of who he is. I am trying to make sure it doesn’t turn into negativity and pessimism.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a difficult kid. It's probably ADD/ODD, but not a severe case. The funny thing about my "difficult kid" was that his disposition was apparent from day one. As a baby, he was difficult to sooth or to get into a routine. Transitions were always hard for him. He is impulsive. He isn't motivated by rewards or praise, and isn't interested in pleasing anyone. He marches to the beat of his own drummer, so to speak. There's no figuring him out. He has a hard time controlling his emotion. He's not adaptable. He doesn't listen to advice.

My older son was literally the easiest baby ever. DH and I used to joke that we could probably leave him alone in his crib all day and he would have been fine and happy. My other son was always upset about anything he found confining. He was on the move at a very young age. Before he could walk, he was attempting to launch himself out of his crib. He had two broken bones before be was a four years old. He was born that way.

This is my DC too.

[Anonymous]

Yes, we have a difficult child (our third). DC has an excess of adrenaline, but, so far, not so severe it needs medication or surgery. The problem is the "flight or fight" that as a baby or toddler meant frequent crying and difficulty sleeping has now turned to sudden and intense anger and outbursts at the slightest thing. Things you would expect in a toddler but 10, 15, 20 times a day in a 1st grader is not good. Thankfully the phase of it causing DC to tear apart her room everytime she got angry seems to have passed. now it's just sudden enraged tears and stomping off and screaming at everyone and hitting or kicking them if they come near her.

It's exhausting. I hope going back to a social setting will make it better but I fear the heightened environment could make it worse.

[Anonymous]

One of my children requires a lot more time and energy to parent. He is just wired differently.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, we have a difficult child (our third). DC has an excess of adrenaline, but, so far, not so severe it needs medication or surgery. The problem is the "flight or fight" that as a baby or toddler meant frequent crying and difficulty sleeping has now turned to sudden and intense anger and outbursts at the slightest thing. Things you would expect in a toddler but 10, 15, 20 times a day in a 1st grader is not good. Thankfully the phase of it causing DC to tear apart her room everytime she got angry seems to have passed. now it's just sudden enraged tears and stomping off and screaming at everyone and hitting or kicking them if they come near her.

It's exhausting. I hope going back to a social setting will make it better but I fear the heightened environment could make it worse.

How was this diagnosed and by whom?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Big emotions about little things. Example: me: it’s cold outside; you need to wear a sweater. My son: Starts crying and screaming, says “this is the most horrible day ever” stomps off to his room and slams drawers looking for a sweater.

Very hard on himself/a perfectionist. Me: wow I really like your drawing. You added so many nice details and colors. Him: I did a terrible job see this [stray mark] here? It’s one of my worst drawings ever.

Very competitive to the point he won’t even participate in competitions bc he hates losing/not being the best so much. So he refuses to even try to participate in sports or most games. He also refuses to even attempt to learn new skills like pump his own legs and swing himself on the swings or try riding his bike without training wheels, etc. He’s definitely strong and coordinated enough to do these things he just flat refuses to try.

Very smart and has hard time relating to kids his own age. He’s 6 and in kindergarten but reads at a 3rd grade level and reads anything he can get his hands on including a lot about science and history so he knows a lot for his age but doesn’t have the maturity to process it and will just talk and talk about things to the point another kid (and most adults too) isn’t interested. analyzes and questions everything, takes nothing at face value. Always has to know the “why” and doesn’t comply easily w requests/instructions.

Is highly sensitive and has a great/long memory. At 6 he will still bring up things that happened when he was 2 completely on his own and take himself back to that moment to rehash how he felt at the time. His feelings are intense. He gets his feelings hurt extremely easily. There’s no joking around or being silly w him. He’s a serious sensitive kid pretty much all the time which can be exhausting.

He’s just complicated. Things aren’t simple w him. I worry about if he’s happy because he often doesn’t seem like he is though he has a good life w 2 loving parents, loving and involved grandparents and a younger sister who adores him (and he adores her too) but struggles socially w his peers. We love him so much but it’s just pretty draining and exhausting sometimes to know how to best parent him when it feels like many things w him are an uphill battle.

He sounds a lot like my son, who has both ASD and bipolar disorder, and is gifted so twice exceptional (and I’m not the parent calling gifted for no reason - his IQ is in the 91st percentile according to a neuropsych evaluation). Yours doesn’t sound as violent as my son (and my sons dad doesn’t live with us and there’s definitely been a lot of “your mom doesn’t love you” coming from dad which hurts and makes it harder to treat), but you may think about an ASD eval. We weren’t told to look into one until things got to the nightmare stage, and didn’t get a diagnosis until 11 - which was terrible.

Thank you for your response. I’m sorry you’re dealing with that as it sounds difficult and especially the part about your sons dad telling your son his mom doesn’t love him . It does make me think about my own son. We've thought before he may have something more going on that just being a difficult child. He was a very easy baby and toddler and the challenging behavior didn’t start til about age 3. He has always done well in school settings but then this year due to the pandemic he’s been homeschooled and I think that has caused some significant setbacks. We are hoping once he’s able us go back to “regular school” he will be a happier kid. But I am worried about him. Can you tell me a little more about your son’s “nightmare stage” that led you to diagnosis?

My son is not violent with people but he does things like slam doors, drawers, rip up papers that he has drawn, stomp around that show a somewhat violent side of him. Generally he’s harder on himself than on other people. He is compassionate and caring toward others, wants to please others, is very thoughtful and kind (most of the time), and is very loving and affectionate (loves cuddling and when he’s upset what he needs most is usually a hug). So I had thought that thoughtfulness and affectionate part of him is perhaps a sign that he doesn’t have ASD but I admit I don’t know a lot about ASD so I shouldn’t be so sure. I’ll look more into it. Thanks again.

My son didn’t used to be violent with people - that started around 10, and got progressively worse and continues now. He can be very empathetic - he LOVES animals, and he’s very physically affectionate. He does often ask for hugs, and we’ve started noticing that some of his affection is a sensory input need. He really likes having weight on him (doesn’t love his weighted blanket, but loves the cats sitting on his lap because of the weight).

The ripping up papers sounds like a sensory thing, my son does it constantly and it makes me crazy (it’s harmless but messy). You might also look into sensory or fidget toys - my son likes some and doesn’t like others, which is fine, but we just get packs of multiple types and don’t worry about it.

My son is also hard on himself, very rigid in how he thinks - things are black and white there is no such thing as gray in his world - and really struggles with transitions. He has always done well in school, and his teachers LOVE him. School is structured in a way that makes sense to him, and as I said above he is academically gifted so he has done very well - but in the higher elementary and middle school grades he is struggling with executive functioning and has a hard time answering more abstract or complex questions, and completing assignments that have multiple related parts just doesn’t make sense to him. He does very well in subjects like math where there is only one answer. His affinity in school is one reason his diagnosis was delayed - all his doctors asked about was “how’s school?” I said Great, and they told me his outbursts and meltdowns were my fault because I had too high expectations or didn’t understand childhood development.

He also struggled with certain things when he was younger that I didn’t think anything of until we started looking into a diagnosis, like he still struggles with the concept of time. “We’ll eat a cookie after dinner” has always been something he struggles to either understand or wait for. “Just a few minutes” is another one. Or, “we’re leaving in a few hours”.

However, the difference that stands out is that my son has never been easy. He was hell as a baby starting at 12 weeks old. He didn’t cry much, but I couldn’t put him down ever, he never slept and bedtimes until he was 3.5yo took 3-4 hours.

These are useful to read. Our DD never slept well--had to be held and would startle away if you put her down for five minutes and just SCREAM until she threw up. She eventually learned to fall asleep but still goes through phases where she wakes up yelling or crying in the middle of the night. She is not violent (generally) toward people but will throw everything down on the floor or destroy things in a rage--several times a week, almost every day. She is sudden to anger--the smallest slight (someone telling her to put on her shoes, asking her a second time if she wants cereal when she already said no) will cause her to totally lose it. And she refuses to draw or color because when things aren't the way she wants--i.e., color goes outside the lines--she becomes enraged. From posts here it seems like these are definitely a package of behaviors, but I'm not sure what to do to address?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t see how you can physically stop someone from stomping.

I’ve got a difficult kid and a much easier one. If you haven’t lived it, then you don’t know. Your advice comes off as patronizing.

Amen. So, so patronizing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My 4.5 year old was a 34 week preemie. never slept longer than 45 mins the first 6 months and then to boot became and is a VERY picky eater. Like turn her head and refuse food. She is extremely intelligent and was an early walker - stood at 9.5 months and never crawled which became a disaster. Like a drunk baby just falling and getting up and falling again. We couldn't take her to restaurants because any restraint (car seat, booster seat etc was torture). she NEVER sits still. No ADHD just likes to do things and doesn't want to stop and sit. At 3 she proclaimed she doesn't watch movies, and well, she doesn't watch movies - it's been over a year. Stubborn. Funny. Bright. We love her but she isn't moved by anyone else's interests. She is her own person. She loves making friends but needs to be programmed all day long. Even as a baby I coudn't just put her in a bouncy chair and go about a task - she demanded my attention. Loves to scream - like SCREAM - thinks it's hilarious. has channelled that into writing her own songs with her microphone and tracks app.
So I have a difficult kid. We love her dearly and she's emotionally so intuitive. When i see parents with kids that'll just sit on a blanket or rug and play with a toy for more than 45 seconds at a time our jaws are on the floor.

Honestly - as a preemie she has sensory issues and likely ADHD. BTDT. Read the studies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My 4.5 year old was a 34 week preemie. never slept longer than 45 mins the first 6 months and then to boot became and is a VERY picky eater. Like turn her head and refuse food. She is extremely intelligent and was an early walker - stood at 9.5 months and never crawled which became a disaster. Like a drunk baby just falling and getting up and falling again. We couldn't take her to restaurants because any restraint (car seat, booster seat etc was torture). she NEVER sits still. No ADHD just likes to do things and doesn't want to stop and sit. At 3 she proclaimed she doesn't watch movies, and well, she doesn't watch movies - it's been over a year. Stubborn. Funny. Bright. We love her but she isn't moved by anyone else's interests. She is her own person. She loves making friends but needs to be programmed all day long. Even as a baby I coudn't just put her in a bouncy chair and go about a task - she demanded my attention. Loves to scream - like SCREAM - thinks it's hilarious. has channelled that into writing her own songs with her microphone and tracks app.
So I have a difficult kid. We love her dearly and she's emotionally so intuitive. When i see parents with kids that'll just sit on a blanket or rug and play with a toy for more than 45 seconds at a time our jaws are on the floor.

Honestly - as a preemie she has sensory issues and likely ADHD. BTDT. Read the studies.

PP and author of the post here. We’ve talked to her ped about this twice. It’s not ADHD. Her teacher agrees. It’s her personality. She thinks loud is fun - she’s a confident kid - walks up to other kids and introduces herself. She’s been taking swimming classes and spends the entire 30 mins locked in listening to her teacher. She’s also stubborn like DH and ruts in when she believes something to be true - it’s a combo of big personality/stubbornness with no interest in food. The OP asked what makes a difficult child, as much as we love her I can be honest about her traits that make everything 10x harder.

[Anonymous]

lol. We thought our DS was "difficult". Turns out we now know there were underlying undiagnosed issues causing most of it. now diagnosed and treated he is much less difficult and WAY MORE happy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My 4.5 year old was a 34 week preemie. never slept longer than 45 mins the first 6 months and then to boot became and is a VERY picky eater. Like turn her head and refuse food. She is extremely intelligent and was an early walker - stood at 9.5 months and never crawled which became a disaster. Like a drunk baby just falling and getting up and falling again. We couldn't take her to restaurants because any restraint (car seat, booster seat etc was torture). she NEVER sits still. No ADHD just likes to do things and doesn't want to stop and sit. At 3 she proclaimed she doesn't watch movies, and well, she doesn't watch movies - it's been over a year. Stubborn. Funny. Bright. We love her but she isn't moved by anyone else's interests. She is her own person. She loves making friends but needs to be programmed all day long. Even as a baby I coudn't just put her in a bouncy chair and go about a task - she demanded my attention. Loves to scream - like SCREAM - thinks it's hilarious. has channelled that into writing her own songs with her microphone and tracks app.
So I have a difficult kid. We love her dearly and she's emotionally so intuitive. When i see parents with kids that'll just sit on a blanket or rug and play with a toy for more than 45 seconds at a time our jaws are on the floor.

Honestly - as a preemie she has sensory issues and likely ADHD. BTDT. Read the studies.

PP and author of the post here. We’ve talked to her ped about this twice. It’s not ADHD. Her teacher agrees. It’s her personality. She thinks loud is fun - she’s a confident kid - walks up to other kids and introduces herself. She’s been taking swimming classes and spends the entire 30 mins locked in listening to her teacher. She’s also stubborn like DH and ruts in when she believes something to be true - it’s a combo of big personality/stubbornness with no interest in food. The OP asked what makes a difficult child, as much as we love her I can be honest about her traits that make everything 10x harder.

She’s 4. You have no idea yet. Sounds like adhd. Her ped wouldn’t be the one to talk to, obviously. They don’t diagnose. And are notoriously dismissive/under reactive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My 4.5 year old was a 34 week preemie. never slept longer than 45 mins the first 6 months and then to boot became and is a VERY picky eater. Like turn her head and refuse food. She is extremely intelligent and was an early walker - stood at 9.5 months and never crawled which became a disaster. Like a drunk baby just falling and getting up and falling again. We couldn't take her to restaurants because any restraint (car seat, booster seat etc was torture). she NEVER sits still. No ADHD just likes to do things and doesn't want to stop and sit. At 3 she proclaimed she doesn't watch movies, and well, she doesn't watch movies - it's been over a year. Stubborn. Funny. Bright. We love her but she isn't moved by anyone else's interests. She is her own person. She loves making friends but needs to be programmed all day long. Even as a baby I coudn't just put her in a bouncy chair and go about a task - she demanded my attention. Loves to scream - like SCREAM - thinks it's hilarious. has channelled that into writing her own songs with her microphone and tracks app.
So I have a difficult kid. We love her dearly and she's emotionally so intuitive. When i see parents with kids that'll just sit on a blanket or rug and play with a toy for more than 45 seconds at a time our jaws are on the floor.

Honestly - as a preemie she has sensory issues and likely ADHD. BTDT. Read the studies.

PP and author of the post here. We’ve talked to her ped about this twice. It’s not ADHD. Her teacher agrees. It’s her personality. She thinks loud is fun - she’s a confident kid - walks up to other kids and introduces herself. She’s been taking swimming classes and spends the entire 30 mins locked in listening to her teacher. She’s also stubborn like DH and ruts in when she believes something to be true - it’s a combo of big personality/stubbornness with no interest in food. The OP asked what makes a difficult child, as much as we love her I can be honest about her traits that make everything 10x harder.

She’s 4. You have no idea yet. Sounds like adhd. Her ped wouldn’t be the one to talk to, obviously. They don’t diagnose. And are notoriously dismissive/under reactive.

Also, pp, you sound insufferable. You think your child is amazing and that’s great. But you can’t expect everyone else to be like OOMG she sounds so amazingly brilliant.