Do you have a difficult child and how do you define one? Not special needs. Just difficult.

[Anonymous]

So many people say "my child is difficult" but don't elaborate. Just sight and look sad.
What does it mean to have difficult child.
If you think your kid is difficult, why? What make them difficult and how do you know they are not just being a kid?

[Anonymous]

I was labeled the difficult child in my family. All my siblings did as exactly told. I asked why....example....why do the girls do the housework. Why can’t brother x cut the grass, etc.

I do think, however, the term: the harder they are to love, the more they need it.

[Anonymous]

Sometimes it's just a question of personality fit with the parents and siblings.

Sometimes there is genuinely a tendency to one or more disorders, say ODD or anxiety for example, except that it's subclinical and the parents are not aware that it might be treated with structured behavior modification, therapy or meds, as the case may be.

Sometimes it's a little of both. What most don't realize is that all behaviors exist on a spectrum, and many people exhibit signs of certain psychiatric disorders, but since they are perhaps not impacted daily by them, it all flies under the radar as "being difficult" (when young), or "being as assh0le" (as adults).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Sometimes it's just a question of personality fit with the parents and siblings.

Sometimes there is genuinely a tendency to one or more disorders, say ODD or anxiety for example, except that it's subclinical and the parents are not aware that it might be treated with structured behavior modification, therapy or meds, as the case may be.

Sometimes it's a little of both. What most don't realize is that all behaviors exist on a spectrum, and many people exhibit signs of certain psychiatric disorders, but since they are perhaps not impacted daily by them, it all flies under the radar as "being difficult" (when young), or "being as assh0le" (as adults).

You suggesting that all difficult kids are undiagnosed functioning Autism Spectrum kids?

[Anonymous]

I don't know the answer to your question but as a parent, I find it enormously helpful to view the most challenging behaviors as a reflection of them struggling with a developmental stage instead of it being an inherent trait. Like I just choose to view it that way. I never, every say my child is stubborn or willful or defiant. I say "Yes, she's really going through a phase of asserting herself. It's hard." Or "It's true, being able to make her own choices about her life is really important to her right now."

I don't know if this is "right" or not, but it helps me always make room for the idea that my child can develop the skills to get better at whatever the challenging behavior is. So I would never say "I have a difficult child" or even label her as challenging. I just think the minute you do that, it boxes your kid into that label and then it's like she has to overcome the label in order to change the behavior, to prove that she's actually not difficult. That sucks. I hate when people make me prove I'm not something they've independently decided I am.

[Anonymous]

I have a difficult kid. It's probably ADD/ODD, but not a severe case. The funny thing about my "difficult kid" was that his disposition was apparent from day one. As a baby, he was difficult to sooth or to get into a routine. Transitions were always hard for him. He is impulsive. He isn't motivated by rewards or praise, and isn't interested in pleasing anyone. He marches to the beat of his own drummer, so to speak. There's no figuring him out. He has a hard time controlling his emotion. He's not adaptable. He doesn't listen to advice.

My older son was literally the easiest baby ever. DH and I used to joke that we could probably leave him alone in his crib all day and he would have been fine and happy. My other son was always upset about anything he found confining. He was on the move at a very young age. Before he could walk, he was attempting to launch himself out of his crib. He had two broken bones before be was a four years old. He was born that way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a difficult kid. It's probably ADD/ODD, but not a severe case. The funny thing about my "difficult kid" was that his disposition was apparent from day one. As a baby, he was difficult to sooth or to get into a routine. Transitions were always hard for him. He is impulsive. He isn't motivated by rewards or praise, and isn't interested in pleasing anyone. He marches to the beat of his own drummer, so to speak. There's no figuring him out. He has a hard time controlling his emotion. He's not adaptable. He doesn't listen to advice.

My older son was literally the easiest baby ever. DH and I used to joke that we could probably leave him alone in his crib all day and he would have been fine and happy. My other son was always upset about anything he found confining. He was on the move at a very young age. Before he could walk, he was attempting to launch himself out of his crib. He had two broken bones before be was a four years old. He was born that way.

This sounds a lot like my difficult child. At two when she was asked to sit on the carpet for story time, she'd make it a point to not sit on the carpet, but instead inches away from it. She's six now but does not care even the tiniest bit about doing things to please other people and even says, "if someone doesn't like me, I can't force them to like me. oh well." Always questioning why. If you ask her to do things, she not only pelts you with "why?" but does it in a defiant way. Very self aware, but horribly difficult personality.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a difficult kid. It's probably ADD/ODD, but not a severe case. The funny thing about my "difficult kid" was that his disposition was apparent from day one. As a baby, he was difficult to sooth or to get into a routine. Transitions were always hard for him. He is impulsive. He isn't motivated by rewards or praise, and isn't interested in pleasing anyone. He marches to the beat of his own drummer, so to speak. There's no figuring him out. He has a hard time controlling his emotion. He's not adaptable. He doesn't listen to advice.

My older son was literally the easiest baby ever. DH and I used to joke that we could probably leave him alone in his crib all day and he would have been fine and happy. My other son was always upset about anything he found confining. He was on the move at a very young age. Before he could walk, he was attempting to launch himself out of his crib. He had two broken bones before be was a four years old. He was born that way.

This sounds a lot like my difficult child. At two when she was asked to sit on the carpet for story time, she'd make it a point to not sit on the carpet, but instead inches away from it. She's six now but does not care even the tiniest bit about doing things to please other people and even says, "if someone doesn't like me, I can't force them to like me. oh well." Always questioning why. If you ask her to do things, she not only pelts you with "why?" but does it in a defiant way. Very self aware, but horribly difficult personality.

PP here. I have described it as a ferocious independence, and it existed from the very beginning of his life. It was not learned at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So many people say "my child is difficult" but don't elaborate. Just sight and look sad. What does it mean to have difficult child.
If you think your kid is difficult, why? What make them difficult and how do you know they are not just being a kid?

I was the difficult child. As a baby, I didn't want my mother to rock me, but wanted to rock myself in the rocking chair (this was a big deal to her). I was very high energy. As a baby and kid, I was super sensitive to both light and sound. The sun was too bright (literally - to this day I get migraines and overheat if I'm in the sun too long). But I also hated dim lighting, like ambiance lighting in restaurants. I was afraid of water and never wanted to take baths or showers. I don't think I washed my face until I was in late high school. I was afraid of fire. I failed 8th grade science because I couldn't bring myself to use the bunsen burners and didn't tell my teacher. I still can't use matches. I was a picky eater, and still am. I've gone to parties and drank 7 or 8 glasses of water but eaten nothing because i didn't like the food. I am smart but have severe learning disabilities that weren't diagnosed until I was 19. So I grew up being told I should do better, be better, but I couldn't and didn't know why. I have been fired from many, many jobs that I try SO HARD at. I couldn't make or keep friends. In my entire childhood I got invited to two sleepovers. I stopped having birthday parties after 2nd grade because I didn't have friends to invite to them. There are some really basic things that I can't figure out how to do - like make a baked potato or clean a cast iron pan. I ask the same question 3 or 4 or even 6 times, and then nod and smile and stop asking because I'm embarrassed to still not understand. I could go on and on but you get the idea.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So many people say "my child is difficult" but don't elaborate. Just sight and look sad. What does it mean to have difficult child.
If you think your kid is difficult, why? What make them difficult and how do you know they are not just being a kid?

I was the difficult child. As a baby, I didn't want my mother to rock me, but wanted to rock myself in the rocking chair (this was a big deal to her). I was very high energy. As a baby and kid, I was super sensitive to both light and sound. The sun was too bright (literally - to this day I get migraines and overheat if I'm in the sun too long). But I also hated dim lighting, like ambiance lighting in restaurants. I was afraid of water and never wanted to take baths or showers. I don't think I washed my face until I was in late high school. I was afraid of fire. I failed 8th grade science because I couldn't bring myself to use the bunsen burners and didn't tell my teacher. I still can't use matches. I was a picky eater, and still am. I've gone to parties and drank 7 or 8 glasses of water but eaten nothing because i didn't like the food. I am smart but have severe learning disabilities that weren't diagnosed until I was 19. So I grew up being told I should do better, be better, but I couldn't and didn't know why. I have been fired from many, many jobs that I try SO HARD at. I couldn't make or keep friends. In my entire childhood I got invited to two sleepovers. I stopped having birthday parties after 2nd grade because I didn't have friends to invite to them. There are some really basic things that I can't figure out how to do - like make a baked potato or clean a cast iron pan. I ask the same question 3 or 4 or even 6 times, and then nod and smile and stop asking because I'm embarrassed to still not understand. I could go on and on but you get the idea.

Oh, honey, my heart hurts for you, and for kids like you were. Have you been able to get some help as an adult?

Sensory processing issues sound like a large part of your problem, at least as a child, but it sounds like there are a lot of challenges that have snowballed on you over the years. I’m sure there’s a better awareness of neurological issues than there were when you were a kid, and that’s there’s some way to help you interact with the world in a more comfortable way.

[Anonymous]

My 4.5 year old was a 34 week preemie. never slept longer than 45 mins the first 6 months and then to boot became and is a VERY picky eater. Like turn her head and refuse food. She is extremely intelligent and was an early walker - stood at 9.5 months and never crawled which became a disaster. Like a drunk baby just falling and getting up and falling again. We couldn't take her to restaurants because any restraint (car seat, booster seat etc was torture). she NEVER sits still. No ADHD just likes to do things and doesn't want to stop and sit. At 3 she proclaimed she doesn't watch movies, and well, she doesn't watch movies - it's been over a year. Stubborn. Funny. Bright. We love her but she isn't moved by anyone else's interests. She is her own person. She loves making friends but needs to be programmed all day long. Even as a baby I coudn't just put her in a bouncy chair and go about a task - she demanded my attention. Loves to scream - like SCREAM - thinks it's hilarious. has channelled that into writing her own songs with her microphone and tracks app.
So I have a difficult kid. We love her dearly and she's emotionally so intuitive. When i see parents with kids that'll just sit on a blanket or rug and play with a toy for more than 45 seconds at a time our jaws are on the floor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So many people say "my child is difficult" but don't elaborate. Just sight and look sad. What does it mean to have difficult child.
If you think your kid is difficult, why? What make them difficult and how do you know they are not just being a kid?

I was the difficult child. As a baby, I didn't want my mother to rock me, but wanted to rock myself in the rocking chair (this was a big deal to her). I was very high energy. As a baby and kid, I was super sensitive to both light and sound. The sun was too bright (literally - to this day I get migraines and overheat if I'm in the sun too long). But I also hated dim lighting, like ambiance lighting in restaurants. I was afraid of water and never wanted to take baths or showers. I don't think I washed my face until I was in late high school. I was afraid of fire. I failed 8th grade science because I couldn't bring myself to use the bunsen burners and didn't tell my teacher. I still can't use matches. I was a picky eater, and still am. I've gone to parties and drank 7 or 8 glasses of water but eaten nothing because i didn't like the food. I am smart but have severe learning disabilities that weren't diagnosed until I was 19. So I grew up being told I should do better, be better, but I couldn't and didn't know why. I have been fired from many, many jobs that I try SO HARD at. I couldn't make or keep friends. In my entire childhood I got invited to two sleepovers. I stopped having birthday parties after 2nd grade because I didn't have friends to invite to them. There are some really basic things that I can't figure out how to do - like make a baked potato or clean a cast iron pan. I ask the same question 3 or 4 or even 6 times, and then nod and smile and stop asking because I'm embarrassed to still not understand. I could go on and on but you get the idea.

Oh, honey, my heart hurts for you, and for kids like you were. Have you been able to get some help as an adult?

Sensory processing issues sound like a large part of your problem, at least as a child, but it sounds like there are a lot of challenges that have snowballed on you over the years. I’m sure there’s a better awareness of neurological issues than there were when you were a kid, and that’s there’s some way to help you interact with the world in a more comfortable way.

Nope, no help as an adult. I basically work around myself. I look at menus before going to restaurants, ask different ppl the same question so they don't realize I'm asking the same thing over and over, etc. After I failed out of college, I got testing and that's how I found out about the severe disabilities but the only help I got was to take college tests in an alternate location and unlimited time - neither of which helped me. I don't know what kind of help to even pursue. I live in San Francisco and never hear people around here talk about this stuff.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So many people say "my child is difficult" but don't elaborate. Just sight and look sad. What does it mean to have difficult child.
If you think your kid is difficult, why? What make them difficult and how do you know they are not just being a kid?

I was the difficult child. As a baby, I didn't want my mother to rock me, but wanted to rock myself in the rocking chair (this was a big deal to her). I was very high energy. As a baby and kid, I was super sensitive to both light and sound. The sun was too bright (literally - to this day I get migraines and overheat if I'm in the sun too long). But I also hated dim lighting, like ambiance lighting in restaurants. I was afraid of water and never wanted to take baths or showers. I don't think I washed my face until I was in late high school. I was afraid of fire. I failed 8th grade science because I couldn't bring myself to use the bunsen burners and didn't tell my teacher. I still can't use matches. I was a picky eater, and still am. I've gone to parties and drank 7 or 8 glasses of water but eaten nothing because i didn't like the food. I am smart but have severe learning disabilities that weren't diagnosed until I was 19. So I grew up being told I should do better, be better, but I couldn't and didn't know why. I have been fired from many, many jobs that I try SO HARD at. I couldn't make or keep friends. In my entire childhood I got invited to two sleepovers. I stopped having birthday parties after 2nd grade because I didn't have friends to invite to them. There are some really basic things that I can't figure out how to do - like make a baked potato or clean a cast iron pan. I ask the same question 3 or 4 or even 6 times, and then nod and smile and stop asking because I'm embarrassed to still not understand. I could go on and on but you get the idea.

Oh, honey, my heart hurts for you, and for kids like you were. Have you been able to get some help as an adult?

Sensory processing issues sound like a large part of your problem, at least as a child, but it sounds like there are a lot of challenges that have snowballed on you over the years. I’m sure there’s a better awareness of neurological issues than there were when you were a kid, and that’s there’s some way to help you interact with the world in a more comfortable way.

Nope, no help as an adult. I basically work around myself. I look at menus before going to restaurants, ask different ppl the same question so they don't realize I'm asking the same thing over and over, etc. After I failed out of college, I got testing and that's how I found out about the severe disabilities but the only help I got was to take college tests in an alternate location and unlimited time - neither of which helped me. I don't know what kind of help to even pursue. I live in San Francisco and never hear people around here talk about this stuff.

I do the same. I hate going to new places and not knowing the layout. The first time my now husband took me to a work event I peppered him with questions about who exactly would be there, what the set up would be, where everyone would sit, etc. Like you, I work around myself. And sometimes I just fake it until I make it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So many people say "my child is difficult" but don't elaborate. Just sight and look sad. What does it mean to have difficult child.
If you think your kid is difficult, why? What make them difficult and how do you know they are not just being a kid?

I was the difficult child. As a baby, I didn't want my mother to rock me, but wanted to rock myself in the rocking chair (this was a big deal to her). I was very high energy. As a baby and kid, I was super sensitive to both light and sound. The sun was too bright (literally - to this day I get migraines and overheat if I'm in the sun too long). But I also hated dim lighting, like ambiance lighting in restaurants. I was afraid of water and never wanted to take baths or showers. I don't think I washed my face until I was in late high school. I was afraid of fire. I failed 8th grade science because I couldn't bring myself to use the bunsen burners and didn't tell my teacher. I still can't use matches. I was a picky eater, and still am. I've gone to parties and drank 7 or 8 glasses of water but eaten nothing because i didn't like the food. I am smart but have severe learning disabilities that weren't diagnosed until I was 19. So I grew up being told I should do better, be better, but I couldn't and didn't know why. I have been fired from many, many jobs that I try SO HARD at. I couldn't make or keep friends. In my entire childhood I got invited to two sleepovers. I stopped having birthday parties after 2nd grade because I didn't have friends to invite to them. There are some really basic things that I can't figure out how to do - like make a baked potato or clean a cast iron pan. I ask the same question 3 or 4 or even 6 times, and then nod and smile and stop asking because I'm embarrassed to still not understand. I could go on and on but you get the idea.

.

You sound a lot like my young son. I’ve found the book Anxiety free kids by Bonnie zucker a useful resource with lots of exercises/lists that might help you work through some of these challenges. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So many people say "my child is difficult" but don't elaborate. Just sight and look sad.
What does it mean to have difficult child.
If you think your kid is difficult, why? What make them difficult and how do you know they are not just being a kid?

I know that my child is difficult because he has three siblings who are not difficult. He is my oldest, so I thought this was just being a kid and that all of the parenting books were wrong until I had more children who behaved more like typical children.

He is difficult because he is sensitive to all sorts of things...light, sound, touch. At the same time, he is very physical and constantly wants to be doing things. He gets frustrated and melts down easily. He doesn’t really listen to directions, and you have to tell him to do things multiple times.
I have taken him to different doctors and psychologists. He is funny and charming and doesn’t meet criteria for ASD. We have had him on stimulants for ADHD, but they weren’t helpful, so we took him off. We thought maybe he had hearing problems or an auditory processing disorder. But no. He just is who he is. He’s a difficult kid.
He is 13 though now, and so far he has been an easy tween/teen. Maybe my hard parenting years are over