Do you have a difficult child and how do you define one? Not special needs. Just difficult.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have 3 kids. Two are just very easy. They pick up their rooms when I ask, they're cheerful, they're eager to please us, they take pride in doing good and in being "good kids." The 3rd is just grumpy and needs "managed". We have to coddle him and speak differently to him. He often needs to know the "why" when we ask him questions, pushes boundaries and he notices everything. He's a very enjoyable, smart kid, but parenting him takes a lot more work. DH and I often can't relate to him because both DH and I are exceptionally easy going, hard working and do things we're told.

So I'd say that difficult is related to how much work a parent has to put in. And sometimes it's a personality mismatch which makes you put in extra work.

It sounds like “easy” means compliant

+1

Yeah, I find it interesting that so many “difficult” children are the 3rd kid.

I wonder if the third kid is difficult because it always got less attention, and the parent thinks the kid is difficult because they have a lot on their plate and they’re just tired of it.

In some cases, I think there are legit issues (sensory, whatever), but way more often I think the difficult child is a response to the household’s dynamic.

[Anonymous]

I really feel like I’ve found my people.

My 10 year old DD is a difficult child. Displays many of the same traits others have described here. Never slept as an infant, would cry probably 75% of the time. Extremely hard to get her to do anything she doesn’t want to do. She cries over the slightest things. Extreme aversion to loud sounds, bright lights and sun. Hair washing is terrifying to her and doesn’t happen without epic fights and meltdowns. Terrible sleeper, will cry for hours because she can’t sleep. As a baby if we tried to let her “cry it out” she would get so hysterical she would vomit.

These days, she’s moody, disagreeable, and so quick to snap back with a comment. Every single mealtime is a battle over what we will eat. Even if I say “you pick!” we get nowhere because she seems incapable of just making a decision.

I could go on and on.

PP who says your jaw hits the floor when you see little kids who will play quietly - same here. My DH and I would take her to grocery shop and marvel at the babies just chilling in their strollers/carts while our DD was screaming, trying to pull things down from shelves, and on and on ad infinitum.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My 4.5 year old was a 34 week preemie. never slept longer than 45 mins the first 6 months and then to boot became and is a VERY picky eater. Like turn her head and refuse food. She is extremely intelligent and was an early walker - stood at 9.5 months and never crawled which became a disaster. Like a drunk baby just falling and getting up and falling again. We couldn't take her to restaurants because any restraint (car seat, booster seat etc was torture). she NEVER sits still. No ADHD just likes to do things and doesn't want to stop and sit. At 3 she proclaimed she doesn't watch movies, and well, she doesn't watch movies - it's been over a year. Stubborn. Funny. Bright. We love her but she isn't moved by anyone else's interests. She is her own person. She loves making friends but needs to be programmed all day long. Even as a baby I coudn't just put her in a bouncy chair and go about a task - she demanded my attention. Loves to scream - like SCREAM - thinks it's hilarious. has channelled that into writing her own songs with her microphone and tracks app.
So I have a difficult kid. We love her dearly and she's emotionally so intuitive. When i see parents with kids that'll just sit on a blanket or rug and play with a toy for more than 45 seconds at a time our jaws are on the floor.

Honestly - as a preemie she has sensory issues and likely ADHD. BTDT. Read the studies.

PP and author of the post here. We’ve talked to her ped about this twice. It’s not ADHD. Her teacher agrees. It’s her personality. She thinks loud is fun - she’s a confident kid - walks up to other kids and introduces herself. She’s been taking swimming classes and spends the entire 30 mins locked in listening to her teacher. She’s also stubborn like DH and ruts in when she believes something to be true - it’s a combo of big personality/stubbornness with no interest in food. The OP asked what makes a difficult child, as much as we love her I can be honest about her traits that make everything 10x harder.

She’s 4. You have no idea yet. Sounds like adhd. Her ped wouldn’t be the one to talk to, obviously. They don’t diagnose. And are notoriously dismissive/under reactive.

The fact that you've done this twice with a general ped is silly. If you are this concerned, see a specialist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have 3 kids. Two are just very easy. They pick up their rooms when I ask, they're cheerful, they're eager to please us, they take pride in doing good and in being "good kids." The 3rd is just grumpy and needs "managed". We have to coddle him and speak differently to him. He often needs to know the "why" when we ask him questions, pushes boundaries and he notices everything. He's a very enjoyable, smart kid, but parenting him takes a lot more work. DH and I often can't relate to him because both DH and I are exceptionally easy going, hard working and do things we're told.

So I'd say that difficult is related to how much work a parent has to put in. And sometimes it's a personality mismatch which makes you put in extra work.

It sounds like “easy” means compliant

+1

Yeah, I find it interesting that so many “difficult” children are the 3rd kid.

I wonder if the third kid is difficult because it always got less attention, and the parent thinks the kid is difficult because they have a lot on their plate and they’re just tired of it.

In some cases, I think there are legit issues (sensory, whatever), but way more often I think the difficult child is a response to the household’s dynamic.

Or you could flip that and say the third kid is easiest because they’ve been conditioned to wait to have their needs met from very early days. It’s all just armchair psychology.

Studies have shown that genetics play a huge factor here. My first kid is the challenging one. Guess who he resembles? His paternal uncle, my husbands eldest brother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My 4.5 year old was a 34 week preemie. never slept longer than 45 mins the first 6 months and then to boot became and is a VERY picky eater. Like turn her head and refuse food. She is extremely intelligent and was an early walker - stood at 9.5 months and never crawled which became a disaster. Like a drunk baby just falling and getting up and falling again. We couldn't take her to restaurants because any restraint (car seat, booster seat etc was torture). she NEVER sits still. No ADHD just likes to do things and doesn't want to stop and sit. At 3 she proclaimed she doesn't watch movies, and well, she doesn't watch movies - it's been over a year. Stubborn. Funny. Bright. We love her but she isn't moved by anyone else's interests. She is her own person. She loves making friends but needs to be programmed all day long. Even as a baby I coudn't just put her in a bouncy chair and go about a task - she demanded my attention. Loves to scream - like SCREAM - thinks it's hilarious. has channelled that into writing her own songs with her microphone and tracks app.
So I have a difficult kid. We love her dearly and she's emotionally so intuitive. When i see parents with kids that'll just sit on a blanket or rug and play with a toy for more than 45 seconds at a time our jaws are on the floor.

Honestly - as a preemie she has sensory issues and likely ADHD. BTDT. Read the studies.

PP and author of the post here. We’ve talked to her ped about this twice. It’s not ADHD. Her teacher agrees. It’s her personality. She thinks loud is fun - she’s a confident kid - walks up to other kids and introduces herself. She’s been taking swimming classes and spends the entire 30 mins locked in listening to her teacher. She’s also stubborn like DH and ruts in when she believes something to be true - it’s a combo of big personality/stubbornness with no interest in food. The OP asked what makes a difficult child, as much as we love her I can be honest about her traits that make everything 10x harder.

She’s 4. You have no idea yet. Sounds like adhd. Her ped wouldn’t be the one to talk to, obviously. They don’t diagnose. And are notoriously dismissive/under reactive.

The fact that you've done this twice with a general ped is silly. If you are this concerned, see a specialist.

Fwiw my fifth grader was exactly the same as a young child. The most alert baby anyone had ever seen. Bright, so teachers always dismissed concerns of ADHD. Pediatrician not concerned even though I mentioned it at multiple annual appointments. We are now in the process of neuropsych testing to confirm what psychologist suspects is ADHD, likely with some anxiety and sensory issues tossed in there.

[Anonymous]

I have to say that this thread made me feel a lot less alone!
Kudos to parents working with kids who take 200% more energy, at least!

[Anonymous]

My DD, who is my first of two and seven and a half is a difficult child. Surprisingly, we saw no signs of this until she was 5. She was an easy baby and a great sleeper. She did well in daycare and preschool. In Kindergarten, she started having minor occurrences of silly, disruptive behavior and not listening to teachers. Things have become increasingly worse. She is very defiant, and usually only listens when we have told her there will be a consequence if she doesn't. She requires high levels of attention and is incapable of playing alone. The thing we find most difficult, though, is that she can be so unkind and unpleasant. She's rude and snide without good reason, and trying to keep her in a good mood can be exhausting. We are generally nice, kind, and pleasant people and her behavior is so demoralizing. It's hard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DD, who is my first of two and seven and a half is a difficult child. Surprisingly, we saw no signs of this until she was 5. She was an easy baby and a great sleeper. She did well in daycare and preschool. In Kindergarten, she started having minor occurrences of silly, disruptive behavior and not listening to teachers. Things have become increasingly worse. She is very defiant, and usually only listens when we have told her there will be a consequence if she doesn't. She requires high levels of attention and is incapable of playing alone. The thing we find most difficult, though, is that she can be so unkind and unpleasant. She's rude and snide without good reason, and trying to keep her in a good mood can be exhausting. We are generally nice, kind, and pleasant people and her behavior is so demoralizing. It's hard.

This sounds like anxiety. I urge you to get an evaluation and treatment. It’s not normal not to play alone at this age. And any SN parent will tell you that when you realize you’re walking on eggshells or waiting - there’s an issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DD, who is my first of two and seven and a half is a difficult child. Surprisingly, we saw no signs of this until she was 5. She was an easy baby and a great sleeper. She did well in daycare and preschool. In Kindergarten, she started having minor occurrences of silly, disruptive behavior and not listening to teachers. Things have become increasingly worse. She is very defiant, and usually only listens when we have told her there will be a consequence if she doesn't. She requires high levels of attention and is incapable of playing alone. The thing we find most difficult, though, is that she can be so unkind and unpleasant. She's rude and snide without good reason, and trying to keep her in a good mood can be exhausting. We are generally nice, kind, and pleasant people and her behavior is so demoralizing. It's hard.

This sounds like anxiety. I urge you to get an evaluation and treatment. It’s not normal not to play alone at this age. And any SN parent will tell you that when you realize you’re walking on eggshells or waiting - there’s an issue.

Also the school issue - there’s a clear need. Time to get help.

[Anonymous]

so much armchair diagnosis on this thread! such amazing perfect parents everywhere.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:so much armchair diagnosis on this thread! such amazing perfect parents everywhere.

How is it perfect to let someone know that when you saw similar issues in your own child, you needed extra help? It’s the opposite, right? Often we think if we only did x properly our kids would br easier. The reality is that when your kid is a real outlier in terms of behavior often but not always there is an explanation. And why should kids and parents suffer needlessly? Getting help and insight, always a good thing. I can’t understand not thinking that.

[Anonymous]

My beeyotch of an upstairs neighbor does and she’s split the difference by raising two little assholes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I really feel like I’ve found my people.

My 10 year old DD is a difficult child. Displays many of the same traits others have described here. Never slept as an infant, would cry probably 75% of the time. Extremely hard to get her to do anything she doesn’t want to do. She cries over the slightest things. Extreme aversion to loud sounds, bright lights and sun. Hair washing is terrifying to her and doesn’t happen without epic fights and meltdowns. Terrible sleeper, will cry for hours because she can’t sleep. As a baby if we tried to let her “cry it out” she would get so hysterical she would vomit.

These days, she’s moody, disagreeable, and so quick to snap back with a comment. Every single mealtime is a battle over what we will eat. Even if I say “you pick!” we get nowhere because she seems incapable of just making a decision.

I could go on and on.

PP who says your jaw hits the floor when you see little kids who will play quietly - same here. My DH and I would take her to grocery shop and marvel at the babies just chilling in their strollers/carts while our DD was screaming, trying to pull things down from shelves, and on and on ad infinitum.

Same, although my difficult one (my 9 year old DD, the oldest) was a pretty easy-going baby, and didn’t get difficult until three or so. We have put SO much work into helping her, and it’s helped a lot, but still. What finally resonated with her was realizing she tends towards negativity, so we work to identify positive things, help her learn to reframe, etc. She’s one of those difficult kids who is an absolute angel at school and with others; she saves the difficulty for home. I realize there are benefits to that, but it’s also deeply exhausting to be the one who has to help her regulate all the time.

Our middle kid is the very easy going one (youngest is very average in that regard) and it still boggles my mind sometimes how he’ll just wake up cheerful, happily go with the flow, etc. He has his moments as kids do, but his baseline is so good-natured.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have 3 kids. Two are just very easy. They pick up their rooms when I ask, they're cheerful, they're eager to please us, they take pride in doing good and in being "good kids." The 3rd is just grumpy and needs "managed". We have to coddle him and speak differently to him. He often needs to know the "why" when we ask him questions, pushes boundaries and he notices everything. He's a very enjoyable, smart kid, but parenting him takes a lot more work. DH and I often can't relate to him because both DH and I are exceptionally easy going, hard working and do things we're told.

So I'd say that difficult is related to how much work a parent has to put in. And sometimes it's a personality mismatch which makes you put in extra work.

Very good point.

[Anonymous]

Difficult as a toddler: very independent, very confident, very willing to argue for what’s right
This is the child who stands the best chance of turning down peer pressure as a teen. They’re also more likely to be driven to find their own kind of success.

Difficult in elementary: drama!
Because the drama usually centers around multiple friendships, there’s no fear that interpersonal relationships will be a problem later.

Tween/teen: sass, rebellion, drugs, whatever, etc.
It’s better for them to make their mistakes when you’re still there as a safety net.

Reframe difficult and find the silver lining.