Reply to SIL who never shows a crack in the armor

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Some of you sound like "Real Housewives," who loveeee to see the other ones fail and fall and go through difficulties, only to praise them for "being vulnerable."

One of them lost a brother to suicide, and one of them said in an interview how she was "finally soft" and "finally vulnerable."

Like...you're glad someone's brother is dead so you can see them hurting?

I, for one, love to see my friends and family doing well. I love to see my cousin perform onstage. I love to hear that my sister is pursuing an advanced degree. I am glad that my friend from college is making a ton more money now that she's a nurse practitioner. I'm thrilled that my friend sold his business and is using the money to travel and to buy a fabulous new condo in Manhattan.

I'm here for them if they need me. I am grateful they can lean on me when they need to.

But it costs me nothing to be happy for my friend and his amazing place in NYC; will I ever be able to afford that? No! But it's not like I feel "less than" because something great happened to him that he worked for. Or even if he DIDN'T work for--I *want* my friends to win the lottery! When something sad or difficult happens to him, like if one of his parents were to pass away, I would not be glad he was "finally vulnerable."

Ick. I can't imagine feeling that way about my family and friends. [/quote]

I think the idea is that with your true friends you share the ups and the downs. Everyone has struggles in their life. It’s not always sitting around sobbing about someone dying. It’s the day to day, week to week challenges we all face.

Things like venting about your crazy boss, sharing your worry over your kid who seems like he might have developmental delays, Talking about the annoying thing your DH did, or how much your hips hurt now that you’re 8 months pregnant, or how much you hate February weather and are sick of being inside....These are the kinds of things I discuss with my friends, along with all the wins. I feel true delight in my friends’ success, but part of that is because I have the context of their struggles too so I know how exciting it is when they get that new job (and away from the evil boss!) or have the new baby it took years of fertility treatment to conceive.

When someone never shares the struggles along with the successes, it makes me think we aren’t really friends and we aren’t actually close.[/quote]

So someone who isn't struggling isn't genuine?

I don't really think my friends are that interested if a coworker is a bit rude to me, or if the machine eats my ATM card. All of that is just fodder, even funny stuff. I don't think to keep track of every minor ding to tell my friends about it.

I have a friend who is a very successful doula who just sold a book. For the past, I don't know, seven years, she's lived a pretty positive and amazing life. I don't think of her as any less "real" right now than I do 10 years ago, when she had fertility issues. I was there for her then, I'm here for her now. I receive who and what and where she is without poking at her like, "But what's BAD?"[/quote]

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