SIL who never shows a crack in the armor

[Anonymous]

OP, my sister is like this, and I get it, its annoying. It comes from a place of joy mixed with immaturity or lack of self awareness, maybe a little egoism to feel like look how great I am all the time. My sister is a good person, she just has this tendency. Every time it annoys me, I remember how tough her life actually is. There are few women who have it all.

[Anonymous]

Look up “loving kindness” meditation. You can train your brain.

It’s ok to feel negative thoughts, but you can observe them and acknowledge them and then let them go. You can practice radiating love and positive “vibes” to those around you.

It sounds hokey, but I swear it helps and I am NOT religious/ spiritual.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some of you sound like "Real Housewives," who loveeee to see the other ones fail and fall and go through difficulties, only to praise them for "being vulnerable."

One of them lost a brother to suicide, and one of them said in an interview how she was "finally soft" and "finally vulnerable."

Like...you're glad someone's brother is dead so you can see them hurting?

I, for one, love to see my friends and family doing well. I love to see my cousin perform onstage. I love to hear that my sister is pursuing an advanced degree. I am glad that my friend from college is making a ton more money now that she's a nurse practitioner. I'm thrilled that my friend sold his business and is using the money to travel and to buy a fabulous new condo in Manhattan.

I'm here for them if they need me. I am grateful they can lean on me when they need to.

But it costs me nothing to be happy for my friend and his amazing place in NYC; will I ever be able to afford that? No! But it's not like I feel "less than" because something great happened to him that he worked for. Or even if he DIDN'T work for--I *want* my friends to win the lottery! When something sad or difficult happens to him, like if one of his parents were to pass away, I would not be glad he was "finally vulnerable."

Ick. I can't imagine feeling that way about my family and friends.

I think the idea is that with your true friends you share the ups and the downs. Everyone has struggles in their life. It’s not always sitting around sobbing about someone dying. It’s the day to day, week to week challenges we all face.

Things like venting about your crazy boss, sharing your worry over your kid who seems like he might have developmental delays, Talking about the annoying thing your DH did, or how much your hips hurt now that you’re 8 months pregnant, or how much you hate February weather and are sick of being inside....These are the kinds of things I discuss with my friends, along with all the wins. I feel true delight in my friends’ success, but part of that is because I have the context of their struggles too so I know how exciting it is when they get that new job (and away from the evil boss!) or have the new baby it took years of fertility treatment to conceive.

When someone never shares the struggles along with the successes, it makes me think we aren’t really friends and we aren’t actually close.

So someone who isn't struggling isn't genuine?

I don't really think my friends are that interested if a coworker is a bit rude to me, or if the machine eats my ATM card. All of that is just fodder, even funny stuff. I don't think to keep track of every minor ding to tell my friends about it.

I have a friend who is a very successful doula who just sold a book. For the past, I don't know, seven years, she's lived a pretty positive and amazing life. I don't think of her as any less "real" right now than I do 10 years ago, when she had fertility issues. I was there for her then, I'm here for her now. I receive who and what and where she is without poking at her like, "But what's BAD?"

I think maybe you and your doula friend aren’t very close anymore if all you hear is how great her life is, yes.

Everyone has challenges in their life.

We're on literally a daily text chain. It's me, my cousin (who also went to college with me and now lives in the same town as I do), the doula friend and a friend who is a pediatrician. We all went to college together. We vacation together every year (in non-pandemic years). We FaceTime once a week.

My goodness, do you get the difference between "the dog ate Timmy's homework" and "my dad has cancer"? Like, it doesn't even occur to us to share every little minor bad thing. And even when we do share the minor annoyances, it takes 20 seconds of our conversation, not the whole call. Like, big whoop, my dryer broke. Not everyone feels compelled to share every little bad thing. Who cares?!

I'm so glad my friends and are mostly positive, are there for each other when something truly difficult does come up...but we'd rather talk about books, politics, travel, movies, our kids...there are things a lot more interesting than life's little headaches.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi, does anyone have advice for getting over the envy of a SIL who is always upbeat, happy, and projects constant perfection? Everything is awe and wonder, from the cookies she baked with her kids to a sunset to her brand-new puppy to her new deck and on and on. Sometimes it's all a bit much because she shares this stuff in texts constantly. It is ALL RAINBOWS all the time.

I am going through some issues with my parents right now and just beginning to feel annoyed by her constant Pollyanna-ness. I also want to do some internal work on my envy. Anyone been there and have ideas?

Would you rather your SIL post, "The cookies I made tasted like cardboard and were burnt on the bottom because the new puppy peed on the floor and I forgot about them in the oven while trying to clean up the mess --my life sucks all the time!"

Some people try to put a silver lining around their otherwise tedious lives while others spew negativity like a toxic cloud all around them. I do not think your SIL, your spouse's sister, could "win" in your eyes no matter what she did. Most people on social media put their best foot forward showing themselves in the best light whereas we all know, even if you are celebrity, you have troubles.

I think there is a deep, underlying root of bitterness you have against your SIL that goes deeper than trivial stuff she posts on the internet. Did she snub you somehow, insinuating that her brother does not deserve someone like you, that you shouldn't be in her family? Are your children (if you have any) smarter and better looking than hers and this is her way of pushing your buttons which, through her brother's espionage, knows exactly which ones to push?

[Anonymous]

My nephew does this, too. He is a deeply insecure person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Also, OP you might want to check out the IG of Elizabeth-Chambers, wife of Armie "I love Cannibalism and drugs" Hammer. Everything is beautiful, wealthy, sunshine and roses. She's gorgeous with a movie star husband who is from mega wealth and gorgeous children living now in the Cayman Islands. IG is so well curated and lovely and she stays skinny (too skinny IMO0 while owning bakeries and going on cooking shows. Perfect, perfect....except lurking under it all..


Movie star husband is accused of being physically abusive toward his affair partners, he texts about cannibalism, he has been accused of rape, there are several books about generations of corruption, violence and even sexual abuse in his family, he seems to be a drug addict and ...well my point is all is not perfect there. Pretty pictures and tales of perfection are just those. Happy people don't need to share endless photos and tales of perfection. They share their good news now and then, but they don't need to convince anyone life is great.

Oh stop!

I’m so sick of people saying that there must be some terrible, horrible deep dark secret behind every organized and happy person. Sometimes it is just a mix of executive function and emotional intelligence — actually MOST of the time it’s this. Sure, they still have problems but it’s more likely to be something like annoyance that her husband forgot to unload the dishwasher than secret cannibalism and affairs.

Grow up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some of you sound like "Real Housewives," who loveeee to see the other ones fail and fall and go through difficulties, only to praise them for "being vulnerable."

One of them lost a brother to suicide, and one of them said in an interview how she was "finally soft" and "finally vulnerable."

Like...you're glad someone's brother is dead so you can see them hurting?

I, for one, love to see my friends and family doing well. I love to see my cousin perform onstage. I love to hear that my sister is pursuing an advanced degree. I am glad that my friend from college is making a ton more money now that she's a nurse practitioner. I'm thrilled that my friend sold his business and is using the money to travel and to buy a fabulous new condo in Manhattan.

I'm here for them if they need me. I am grateful they can lean on me when they need to.

But it costs me nothing to be happy for my friend and his amazing place in NYC; will I ever be able to afford that? No! But it's not like I feel "less than" because something great happened to him that he worked for. Or even if he DIDN'T work for--I *want* my friends to win the lottery! When something sad or difficult happens to him, like if one of his parents were to pass away, I would not be glad he was "finally vulnerable."

Ick. I can't imagine feeling that way about my family and friends.

Um you are projecting big time here if you think OP would love it if someone's brother committed suicide. Step away from DCUM and call your therapist. OP didn't say she hates her SIL or wishes her bad things. She simply finds it over the top to send daily emails portraying a perfect life. It's no different than the people who curate IG except it is being sent to her. This seems deeply personal for you. If you are this type of person then perhaps not everyone wants your daily updates. That doesn't meamn they wish bad things would happen to you. It simply means they have other things like work, family and true friends and congratulating you once a week should be enough. Daily praise is a bit much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi, does anyone have advice for getting over the envy of a SIL who is always upbeat, happy, and projects constant perfection? Everything is awe and wonder, from the cookies she baked with her kids to a sunset to her brand-new puppy to her new deck and on and on. Sometimes it's all a bit much because she shares this stuff in texts constantly. It is ALL RAINBOWS all the time.

I am going through some issues with my parents right now and just beginning to feel annoyed by her constant Pollyanna-ness. I also want to do some internal work on my envy. Anyone been there and have ideas?

Where do you live? I get it I’d find this annoying too and not bc I’m envious just bc it seems sort of fake/boring. I live in LA now but am from NYC originally and gravitate more toward people who have a darker sense of humor and are deadpan. I’ve met some people in LA like this. They actually say things like ‘I couldn’t be happier! Best day ever!’ I honestly sometimes reply Lol bc come on couldn’t we all be happier. I’d just Mhmm in your replies
to your SIL and keep it short and sweet. I’ve found people who are this cheerful are often depressed, and it’s what they need to do to talk themselves through the day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some of you sound like "Real Housewives," who loveeee to see the other ones fail and fall and go through difficulties, only to praise them for "being vulnerable."

One of them lost a brother to suicide, and one of them said in an interview how she was "finally soft" and "finally vulnerable."

Like...you're glad someone's brother is dead so you can see them hurting?

I, for one, love to see my friends and family doing well. I love to see my cousin perform onstage. I love to hear that my sister is pursuing an advanced degree. I am glad that my friend from college is making a ton more money now that she's a nurse practitioner. I'm thrilled that my friend sold his business and is using the money to travel and to buy a fabulous new condo in Manhattan.

I'm here for them if they need me. I am grateful they can lean on me when they need to.

But it costs me nothing to be happy for my friend and his amazing place in NYC; will I ever be able to afford that? No! But it's not like I feel "less than" because something great happened to him that he worked for. Or even if he DIDN'T work for--I *want* my friends to win the lottery! When something sad or difficult happens to him, like if one of his parents were to pass away, I would not be glad he was "finally vulnerable."

Ick. I can't imagine feeling that way about my family and friends.

Um you are projecting big time here if you think OP would love it if someone's brother committed suicide. Step away from DCUM and call your therapist. OP didn't say she hates her SIL or wishes her bad things. She simply finds it over the top to send daily emails portraying a perfect life. It's no different than the people who curate IG except it is being sent to her. This seems deeply personal for you. If you are this type of person then perhaps not everyone wants your daily updates. That doesn't meamn they wish bad things would happen to you. It simply means they have other things like work, family and true friends and congratulating you once a week should be enough. Daily praise is a bit much.

Reeeeach, reach, reaaaaachhhhh! I don't text or call anyone daily. I also don't have an IG account. Do try harder.

[Anonymous]

The key fact for me in all of this is that SIL is constantly reaching out to say how awesome things are. This isn’t just a discussion of what is on SIL’s social media, and OP is not saying that SIL always says everything is perfect like during their family reunions or whatever. SIL is constantly reaching out to share how perfect her life is, directly to OP.

What SIL is doing sounds a bit like a campaign and I find that kind of odd.

Op-does she ask about your life? Do you hang out?

It sounds a bit like frenemy behavior to be constantly reaching out to say how AMAZING your life is. I don’t do that even with my dear friends. I reach out to them to get updates, to talk politics/current events, to talk about food, travel, work, etc. but I’m not constantly texting them my amazing life pictures. That’s weird.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some of you sound like "Real Housewives," who loveeee to see the other ones fail and fall and go through difficulties, only to praise them for "being vulnerable."

One of them lost a brother to suicide, and one of them said in an interview how she was "finally soft" and "finally vulnerable."

Like...you're glad someone's brother is dead so you can see them hurting?

I, for one, love to see my friends and family doing well. I love to see my cousin perform onstage. I love to hear that my sister is pursuing an advanced degree. I am glad that my friend from college is making a ton more money now that she's a nurse practitioner. I'm thrilled that my friend sold his business and is using the money to travel and to buy a fabulous new condo in Manhattan.

I'm here for them if they need me. I am grateful they can lean on me when they need to.

But it costs me nothing to be happy for my friend and his amazing place in NYC; will I ever be able to afford that? No! But it's not like I feel "less than" because something great happened to him that he worked for. Or even if he DIDN'T work for--I *want* my friends to win the lottery! When something sad or difficult happens to him, like if one of his parents were to pass away, I would not be glad he was "finally vulnerable."

Ick. I can't imagine feeling that way about my family and friends.

Um you are projecting big time here if you think OP would love it if someone's brother committed suicide. Step away from DCUM and call your therapist. OP didn't say she hates her SIL or wishes her bad things. She simply finds it over the top to send daily emails portraying a perfect life. It's no different than the people who curate IG except it is being sent to her. This seems deeply personal for you. If you are this type of person then perhaps not everyone wants your daily updates. That doesn't meamn they wish bad things would happen to you. It simply means they have other things like work, family and true friends and congratulating you once a week should be enough. Daily praise is a bit much.

Reeeeach, reach, reaaaaachhhhh! I don't text or call anyone daily. I also don't have an IG account. Do try harder.

You really have become unhinged by this thread, haven't you?

[Anonymous]

To the person who is talking about friends sharing the ups and downs and struggles as well as wins. I’m with you completely. I think that’s a personality type. I’m drawn to people who share their inner world and often have a dark sense of humor. I also have friends who are generals positive/we only
talk about the broad strokes. They’re different friendships, and I get different things from both. I don’t think either is right or wrong. I’m like you—I enjoy sharing the little daily details and annoyances with my closest friends. The woman with the doula friend is just a different kind of person. Not sure why she’s criticizing you. I’d also feel confused by the daily texts from SIL.

It sounds like you’re someone who wonders about internal dynamics and people’s motivations/inner world—that doesn’t mean you’re judging SIL on the Internet you’re just curious! I’m curious like that too. My brother and I are close, but he takes things more at face value. He doesn’t ‘overthink’ or ponder in the same way I do. I think both types have their upsides. I, however, need friends who like to think and talk about those things!

[Anonymous]

For years I was the ultimate downer -- hours of negative convo and long emails about how life was passing me by. Now things are coming together and I feel gratitude for my many blessings that causes me to experience each day as I gift. I make a point of sharing every little exultation with the ones who supported me through the drear years. Was SIL depressed at any point?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some of you sound like "Real Housewives," who loveeee to see the other ones fail and fall and go through difficulties, only to praise them for "being vulnerable."

One of them lost a brother to suicide, and one of them said in an interview how she was "finally soft" and "finally vulnerable."

Like...you're glad someone's brother is dead so you can see them hurting?

I, for one, love to see my friends and family doing well. I love to see my cousin perform onstage. I love to hear that my sister is pursuing an advanced degree. I am glad that my friend from college is making a ton more money now that she's a nurse practitioner. I'm thrilled that my friend sold his business and is using the money to travel and to buy a fabulous new condo in Manhattan.

I'm here for them if they need me. I am grateful they can lean on me when they need to.

But it costs me nothing to be happy for my friend and his amazing place in NYC; will I ever be able to afford that? No! But it's not like I feel "less than" because something great happened to him that he worked for. Or even if he DIDN'T work for--I *want* my friends to win the lottery! When something sad or difficult happens to him, like if one of his parents were to pass away, I would not be glad he was "finally vulnerable."

Ick. I can't imagine feeling that way about my family and friends.

Um you are projecting big time here if you think OP would love it if someone's brother committed suicide. Step away from DCUM and call your therapist. OP didn't say she hates her SIL or wishes her bad things. She simply finds it over the top to send daily emails portraying a perfect life. It's no different than the people who curate IG except it is being sent to her. This seems deeply personal for you. If you are this type of person then perhaps not everyone wants your daily updates. That doesn't meamn they wish bad things would happen to you. It simply means they have other things like work, family and true friends and congratulating you once a week should be enough. Daily praise is a bit much.

Reeeeach, reach, reaaaaachhhhh! I don't text or call anyone daily. I also don't have an IG account. Do try harder.

You really have become unhinged by this thread, haven't you?

I'm not the one who just can't stand when other people are happy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To the person who is talking about friends sharing the ups and downs and struggles as well as wins. I’m with you completely. I think that’s a personality type. I’m drawn to people who share their inner world and often have a dark sense of humor. I also have friends who are generals positive/we only
talk about the broad strokes. They’re different friendships, and I get different things from both. I don’t think either is right or wrong. I’m like you—I enjoy sharing the little daily details and annoyances with my closest friends. The woman with the doula friend is just a different kind of person. Not sure why she’s criticizing you. I’d also feel confused by the daily texts from SIL.

It sounds like you’re someone who wonders about internal dynamics and people’s motivations/inner world—that doesn’t mean you’re judging SIL on the Internet you’re just curious! I’m curious like that too. My brother and I are close, but he takes things more at face value. He doesn’t ‘overthink’ or ponder in the same way I do. I think both types have their upsides. I, however, need friends who like to think and talk about those things!

I’m that PP, and thank you! I am learning that for some people, this IS what genuine friendship looks like. I honestly didn’t realize that until recently.

For me, this kind of friendship is what I have with people I don’t like but have to be friendly with or people feel kind of neutral about or am just getting to know (people like MIL, coworkers, neighbors). It’s like putting on the fake face for the world and then with my real friends/DH I can share my true self. I keep waiting for things to get deeper, richer, more genuine, etc.

I’ve only recently realized that for some people, what feels like their “fake face” is actually their true self and in their mind, we may actually be true friends and they don’t have these other people they go deep with.

All of it is fine and valid and OK and my way isn’t better, it’s just that it’s a huge revelation for me.