Am I Asking Husband To Do Too Much?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What is there to clean up in terms of baby's toys? A 10 week old baby will be fascinated for 15 minutes if you hand them a plastic spoon to play with. There's no collection of tiny legos all over the place like we have with our elementary schoolers.

OP here. He doesn’t have a lot of toys. It’s just a couple of rattles and a play mat. My husband is a neat freak and likes to do a “ reset” with everything in its place at the ended the day. He started that while he was on partner out leave and I’ve continued it. He has mild OCD and hates clutter. I make sure to clean up the common areas.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is there to clean up in terms of baby's toys? A 10 week old baby will be fascinated for 15 minutes if you hand them a plastic spoon to play with. There's no collection of tiny legos all over the place like we have with our elementary schoolers.

This. I think OP is creating part of the problem because she doesn't really understand appropriate child development. Picking up the toys that a 10 week old plays with takes all of 30 seconds. After feeding, you plop her in a carrier and wash the bottle. There really isn't a whole lot of cleaning up after a 10 week old.

You also need to fix the nap issue.

OP here. I understand child development. I was told by the pediatrician this is a normal phase and that I can sleep train at 4 months. There is more to it with feeding. We go through multiple bottles and pump parts all day. I have to pump after each feeding for low supply issues.

[Anonymous]

If this was a man, everyone would be calling him a deadbeat and lazy. Many guys have posted about wanting this scenario. Another guy posted about spending 1 hour a day with his baby and everyone called him a terrible father. Now suddenly OP is the issue and her husband bares no responsibility.

Stop blaming OP. Her husband is a neglectful parent and partner who would rather watch tv than spend time with his child or help her. I would be mad too. I guarantee this behavior will continue when OP goes back to work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband has not been pulling his weight lately and thinks I’m asking for too much. We welcomed our first child ( 10 weeks old) a couple of months ago. He took paternity leave and was wonderful. He spent time bonding with the baby, did housework, and waited on me with food and water. He’s been back at work for a month now and things have taken a 180. He has not done much besides spending a couple of hours a day with the baby. I’m doing most of the childcare and housework. I have told him multiple times he needs to do more things, but he has said I should handle it since he works all day. I understand he works all day but I’m exhausted too. Having to care for a baby, who often needs to be held for naps, is not easy. He said there is ample time for me to get housework done while baby naps, but I disagree. I’m also getting up with baby once at night. I’m going back to work PT in January and told him this won’t work for me. He said he will help out more once I’m back at work, but feels I should be doing most of the childcare and housework because I’m home. I feel me asking for more help is fair. I don’t know if being unreasonable with my expectations.

When the baby is small is the easiest time. Unsure how you're "exhausted" unless you're making a mess and not cleaning up after yourself. I your husband is working and supporting the family solo, you should give him more respect. It's a lot of stress (ESPECIALLY NOW) to support the family. Do you stress over taxes, bills, food, medical costs, etc? If your husband doesn't make the $$$ what happens to you and your baby? Your family?

Too often the working husband is taken for granted. Yes, being at home all day with an infant is BORING. But, it's not STRESSFUL. There is a huge difference. My wife and I went through the same thing. I operate several businesses. It's high stress and long hours. She worries about how to decorate the house. I worry about taxes, investments, employees, COVID-19, debt, etc. We're on two different levels. Perhaps you need to see how your husband views what's going on.

This is not to say he shouldn't help at all when he's home. But, after work he has a right to rest up. Again, taking care of an infant is the easy stage. Just wait. All your kid does now is eat, sleep, and poop. Just wait.

It doesn’t sound like you respect what your wife does.
Taking care of kids is stressful. Yes, if you lose your job and can’t pay the bills, it’s bad. But if she loses your child, or if he runs in the street and is hit by a car, your investments aren’t going to matter very much.

And this time is difficult. I thought everything got easier around 4-5 months when my kids got on a consistent schedule, and easier again when they were about four years old, and you could explain things to them.

[Anonymous]

I’m team DH. My husband is on paternity leave so he handles the baby while I work. He doesn’t seem to have an issue with this breakdown. Once he’s back to work we will split the time more evenly but he insists that he has time to handle velvety thing being home with the baby all day who naps multiple times.

[Anonymous]

I don’t think you are asking too much here, OP.

In retrospect, I wish I had insisted on DH doing more when our first was a baby. If you take over everything, it can quickly get to the point that he doesn’t even know how to do it anymore. You mentioned there being a change in the way your baby naps just in the last couple of weeks. If your husband hasn’t been managing naps, he probably doesn’t know what to do now. Over the next couple of years, there will be more little things like this, and gradually childcare and housekeeping will shift over more and more to being all your responsibility.
Then, when you are ready to return to work full time, you will find that you won’t be able to without completely burning yourself out.

Stick to your guns now, OP. He can cook dinner once or twice a week. He can put the baby down sometimes and take care of him on a weekend afternoon while you go workout and relax. Fight those fights now. You will be glad that you did.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband has not been pulling his weight lately and thinks I’m asking for too much. We welcomed our first child ( 10 weeks old) a couple of months ago. He took paternity leave and was wonderful. He spent time bonding with the baby, did housework, and waited on me with food and water. He’s been back at work for a month now and things have taken a 180. He has not done much besides spending a couple of hours a day with the baby. I’m doing most of the childcare and housework. I have told him multiple times he needs to do more things, but he has said I should handle it since he works all day. I understand he works all day but I’m exhausted too. Having to care for a baby, who often needs to be held for naps, is not easy. He said there is ample time for me to get housework done while baby naps, but I disagree. I’m also getting up with baby once at night. I’m going back to work PT in January and told him this won’t work for me. He said he will help out more once I’m back at work, but feels I should be doing most of the childcare and housework because I’m home. I feel me asking for more help is fair. I don’t know if being unreasonable with my expectations.

When the baby is small is the easiest time. Unsure how you're "exhausted" unless you're making a mess and not cleaning up after yourself. I your husband is working and supporting the family solo, you should give him more respect. It's a lot of stress (ESPECIALLY NOW) to support the family. Do you stress over taxes, bills, food, medical costs, etc? If your husband doesn't make the $$$ what happens to you and your baby? Your family?

Too often the working husband is taken for granted. Yes, being at home all day with an infant is BORING. But, it's not STRESSFUL. There is a huge difference. My wife and I went through the same thing. I operate several businesses. It's high stress and long hours. She worries about how to decorate the house. I worry about taxes, investments, employees, COVID-19, debt, etc. We're on two different levels. Perhaps you need to see how your husband views what's going on.

This is not to say he shouldn't help at all when he's home. But, after work he has a right to rest up. Again, taking care of an infant is the easy stage. Just wait. All your kid does now is eat, sleep, and poop. Just wait.

Have you ever been hands on raising your kids and managing the household while your wife spent one hour a day with your children and expected you to manage everything including on the weekends because she was earning a paycheck? I’m not sure if you are giving perspective of someone in OP’s position because you lived and having been on both sides of the fence? What about women that run their own business and have children? Are they given a pass to not do any of the household things or be hands on with their kids because they worry about taxes, investments, employees or are they expected to figure out how to operate on “both levels”?

[Anonymous]

OP here. I also want to mention I’m still pumping and breastfeeding because my husband doesn’t want our baby on formula. There is a lot of resentment there. It used to be easier when he did everything, but it’s a lot more tough nwot why I have to manage everything on my own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m team DH. My husband is on paternity leave so he handles the baby while I work. He doesn’t seem to have an issue with this breakdown. Once he’s back to work we will split the time more evenly but he insists that he has time to handle velvety thing being home with the baby all day who naps multiple times.

You don’t do bedtime or have times during the weekend when you are on deck with the baby? I don’t think anyone is saying that OP shouldn’t be handling the 7-5pm or whatever the work day. Many also said she has to get a handle on the holding while napping thing to make life easier. It’s the evening and weekends that are questionable that DH does little because “he works”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I also want to mention I’m still pumping and breastfeeding because my husband doesn’t want our baby on formula. There is a lot of resentment there. It used to be easier when he did everything, but it’s a lot more tough nwot why I have to manage everything on my own.

That sucks. Feed your baby however it works best for you.

Do you really believe that he will step up when you go back to work part time?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Team DH here. An infant that little doesn’t require much. I doubt it takes you all day to do all of those things. Cleaning maintenance only tasks an hour a day tops.

OP you sound lazy. An normal infant isn’t that much work. Plus you have a weekly cleaning lady. You have nothing to complain about, sorry.

[Anonymous]

What does he do after work?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I also want to mention I’m still pumping and breastfeeding because my husband doesn’t want our baby on formula. There is a lot of resentment there. It used to be easier when he did everything, but it’s a lot more tough nwot why I have to manage everything on my own.

That sucks. Feed your baby however it works best for you.

Do you really believe that he will step up when you go back to work part time?

OP here. I’m hoping. I’m really trying not to resent him. He also doesn’t understand why I’m too tired to have sex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Team DH here. An infant that little doesn’t require much. I doubt it takes you all day to do all of those things. Cleaning maintenance only tasks an hour a day tops.

OP you sound lazy. An normal infant isn’t that much work. Plus you have a weekly cleaning lady. You have nothing to complain about, sorry.

OP here. I’m not lazy. We have a bi-weekly cleaning lady who does deep cleaning. I do everything else while trying to pump to get my supply up, and recovering from a fourth degree tear. I still wake up multiple times while baby sleeps to pump because my husband doesn’t want him on formula.

Do you even have a kid or are you a man who spends no time with his child like some of the other posters?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What does he do after work?

OP here. He spends about 1 hour with the baby while I cook dinner, works out, and watches tv. Same on the weekends.