Unplanned pregnancy at 38

[Anonymous]

Hi op, I'm 38.5yo with a 4 yo and 18mo and just found out I'm pregnant, too. Unplanned, was using protection, etc. I'm shocked. Dh and I are both unsure of what we want, but he's leaning more towards keeping and I'm leaning more towards termination. Having a third would make our comfortable lives pretty complicated. We live in the city and would have to find a bigger place. DH and I both work full time and will be back in our offices after covid. We aren't rich by local standards. If I knew that a 3rd kid would be healthy and without extra needs I'd be more comfortable with the idea, but I don't. And I'm terrified of what it might do to our current, amazing, dynamic. I made an appointment for early January at a clinic, in time to still take the abortion pill. Making that appointment gave me a sense of relief, and I finally slept well last night. I'm still not sure I'll keep the appointment and terminate the pregnancy, but it gave me some sense of control and permission to not think about it for a little while.

[Anonymous]

I was you age when we had our planned second child. He is in middle school and is amazing and life is great. We are not too old.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Would you be open to placing the baby up for adoption?

What’s the point of that? Go through the pregnancy and delivery and the trauma of giving up a child up for adoption for what?

Dp. The point is to give the baby a chance at life and with a family who wouldlove and cherish them.

Give them the chance to wonder why they were given up? The chance to have lifelong abandonment issues. People romanticize adoption, it’s ridiculous. As someone who was adopted out in a very similar situation I hate when people who are clueless about adoption suggest it at every change they get.

So you would have rather been killed In hydro and had had NO life?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Would you be open to placing the baby up for adoption?

What’s the point of that? Go through the pregnancy and delivery and the trauma of giving up a child up for adoption for what?

Dp. The point is to give the baby a chance at life and with a family who wouldlove and cherish them.

Give them the chance to wonder why they were given up? The chance to have lifelong abandonment issues. People romanticize adoption, it’s ridiculous. As someone who was adopted out in a very similar situation I hate when people who are clueless about adoption suggest it at every change they get.

So you would have rather been killed In hydro and had had NO life?

That’s like asking a single-celled organism if it’s grateful for its existence. Maybe to some people that makes sense, but not to most people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Whatever decision you make, be sure to really be clear about why you are making it. I terminated a pregnancy and when I get those rare twinges of regret, I'm able to go back to why I made the decision I did and the regret vanishes. I made the right choice for me and my family at the time. I wish you peace whatever you decide.

Op here. Thank you. This strikes a chord.

A woman’s right to choose was a hard won battle. You are looking at a lifetime commitment with another child. Your body your choice. Most women don’t regret that choice despite what DCUM says.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Would you be open to placing the baby up for adoption?

What’s the point of that? Go through the pregnancy and delivery and the trauma of giving up a child up for adoption for what?

Dp. The point is to give the baby a chance at life and with a family who wouldlove and cherish them.

Give them the chance to wonder why they were given up? The chance to have lifelong abandonment issues. People romanticize adoption, it’s ridiculous. As someone who was adopted out in a very similar situation I hate when people who are clueless about adoption suggest it at every change they get.

So you would have rather been killed In hydro and had had NO life?

Np, but I never get this argument. Having not been born means the absence of consciousness. I can safely say I would have been fine having not been born. I love my life, but if I hadnt ever been born, well, can't say I'd have any thoughts about that bc I wouldn't have a mind to think about it.

[Anonymous]

OP, you're going to get a lot of heated responses here and it will be complicated to sift through them all, but know this:

You will be OK regardless of whatever you choose to do, and you have every right to make the choice that suits you. I have been in a similar position with much less clarity, and I can say that you will "what if" either decision, but you will also get on with your life and be OK.

Termination this early is a medical procedure that stop cells from growing in your body. Being on the same page with your DH about this is fortunate. If you terminate, you would be able to feel secure in the family that you do have, and guarantee that family security and consistency and all that comes with that. Even with the confident decision to terminate, you may have wistful feelings in the future at certain dates, but you may also feel empowered and positive about this decision and what it has affirmed for you....and you may feel both things (or you may never think of it again).

Choosing to continue the pregnancy would almost certainly result in coming to love your new family, but also comes with risk of things you are aware of, and disruption of all the kinds new babies can bring. You are not obligated to see this through if you do not want to. I repeat: you are NOT obligated to see an unwanted pregnancy through for anyone else and you are NOT a bad person for terminating at this early stage for any reason. But if you do want to have another baby you will be ok.

Each decision is a roll of the dice. Think ahead 2, 5, 20 years....
- did you terminate and it didn't affect you much?
- did you terminate and wonder if you made the right choice a few times a year?
- did you terminate and it destroyed you (does not sound like you)
- did you have a baby and now you have three thriving kids?
- did you have a baby and now that third kid has special needs that have impacted you emotionally and financially?

Go with your gut and feel empowered. You can do this, either way, and don't let DCUM try to tell you what is best.

[Anonymous]

OP I’ve had one abortion and one unplanned pregnancy that I kept. There was a clear difference between how I felt - for the abortion my gut instinct was NO I do NOT want to be pregnant. For the unplanned baby, it was the opposite. I wanted him! In both cases, I tore my hair out deliberating over both options. But at the end of the day, I was clearly leaning one way or the other when I actually let my own wishes decide instead of what I thought I should want.

This doesn’t mean there is no regret (for either choice!) but I’m confident I made the right choice both times.

You have to discern between notions and pressures that come externally, and what you yourself know is the right thing.

[Anonymous]

I think a few counseling sessions may be in order, if you have time. Planned parenthood probably has resources for that (they do accept insurance!) or at the very least referrals to counselors/therapists who won’t judge you no matter what you decide.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had an abortion at age 36 a year ago and I haven’t regretted it for a minute. In fact I feel happy when I think about it. I love that I get to be a better mom to the kids I already have. It was such a hard decision but once I made it I felt so good.

But I’m sorry that you feel like you have to have an abortion because of your circumstances. Logically it seems like an abortion is the right thing but I don’t think bringing a child into the world is ever about logic. If it was how many of us would ever have kids?

Anyway, I think that either way you decide to go, it’ll be okay. There might be no best or correct choice here, just two different choices that born have positives and negatives.

I felt really, really relieved after my abortion too. Definitely also felt some sadness/regret later on, but the number one feeling was relief. I had a college friend at the time who was going through an unplanned pregnancy in her 8-9 month and at a gut, body level I did not want that to be me. (That baby ruined her life btw - she was one of the smartest women in college and ended up tied to a real loser and working as a trucking dispatcher. I lost touch with her; hopefully things improved.)

[Anonymous]

For people who are looking for an abortion, try Carafem. I went there and it was wonderful. Really professional, caring, offered counseling, made sure there was no undue pressure to terminate, etc. My insurance didn’t cover it but they do take insurance (and without insurance it was 400, which I didn’t think was too bad). Plus they had a ton of available appointments (I got in the same day after I messed up the dates and missed meh appointment), and the facility is beautiful.

Oh, and I got a goody bag with a heat pack, condoms, and a Plan B, among other things.

[Anonymous]

Just wanted to offer a hug and say I'm your age with two kids who are finally past the baby stage and this is a really, really tough decision. I'm honestly not sure what I would do.

My husband and I would definitely sit down and really hash through it to try to find our way to a decision--pregnancy (impact on you/him and kids, how your past pregnancies went, health insurance etc), car logistics, space in current house, daycare, your career, his career, impact on your other kids, finances, your fears about another baby/not having another baby, as well as what good could come from the decision one way or another.

It's definitely a fork in the road for your family, but if you can both come to the table and discuss it honestly and openly, I think you'll find the right decision for you. I also think you have to make a steadfast decision not to regret it either way--looking at it from the perspective of it's "a life decision you made with the information you had at the time and life will go on". Good luck and take care!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Would you be open to placing the baby up for adoption?

What’s the point of that? Go through the pregnancy and delivery and the trauma of giving up a child up for adoption for what?

Dp. The point is to give the baby a chance at life and with a family who wouldlove and cherish them.

Give them the chance to wonder why they were given up? The chance to have lifelong abandonment issues. People romanticize adoption, it’s ridiculous. As someone who was adopted out in a very similar situation I hate when people who are clueless about adoption suggest it at every change they get.

NP here and also an adoptee. I don't have abandonment issues at all. I adopted one of my children, who was the result of an affair between a 38 year old woman and a 53 year old man. Both parents were married to others. I love and cherish my child just as I am loved and cherished by my parents.

But, that's neither here nor there. Good luck, OP. I too had an unplanned and unwanted pregnancy; he drives me crazy, but now I can't imagine him not in our lives.

[Anonymous]

Good luck op. It's a very hard and personal decision.

My husband knows that if we are having sex there's a chance we will get pregnant and I would want to have that baby, even if it was a surprise. I told him if he is well and truly done and can get a vasectomy and we can also use condoms or get an IUD so we are as close to 100% covered as possible.

[Anonymous]

Adoption is a wonderful option.

I place ad baby for adoption at 29; my life was good and I did not want to change it.

At 39 and 41 I adopted my kids from foster care (after fostering them for a year each) because I was ready now.