10 year old told me he thinks spouse is cheating on me -- advice?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You should look at his phone.

+1. I am sure your child agonized over telling you and may not have told you everything he saw.

If your kid was brave enough to come to you with this info, you need to be brave enough to do you own investigation — look at his phone, look at credit card bills, computer history, etc.

Or I dunno, be adult enough to talk to him?

Do not listen to this horrible advice.
If he is having an emotional affair, all you confronting him will do is for him to destroy the evidence and be a LOT more sneaky and careful that he cover up his tracks.

Asking a cheater if they're cheating... ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You should look at his phone.

+1. I am sure your child agonized over telling you and may not have told you everything he saw.

If your kid was brave enough to come to you with this info, you need to be brave enough to do you own investigation — look at his phone, look at credit card bills, computer history, etc.

Or I dunno, be adult enough to talk to him?

No. Get basic info/evidence first. If you don’t use it, fine, but don’t compromise the outcome from the gate by reducing your leverage (legally speaking).

Good god. This is not how I’d handle it, but I guess I trust my husband and would just talk to him.

OP, if your marriage is solid and your husband hasn’t been leaving the house during the pandemic, talk to him. If you think he’s cheating on you, then deal with that by... talking to him. If you don’t trust him, then why are you with him?

you are super naive if you think every cheating spouse is prepared to admit it when their spouse asks.

I’m actually not naive. My first marriage ended because of infidelity. Had we communicated better, I believe he may not have cheated in the first place and it certainly would have been dealt with much faster.

You, on the other hand, sound paranoid that your husband is cheating on you. Unless you have a prenup that says no cheating, how is proving infidelity going to help you legally? The OP should have a conversation with her spouse about what her son saw. She’ll know if he’s lying.

It can be dealt with much faster if you can skip the gaslighting phase and get some concrete information, by looking at the texts the child thinks they saw. This is not the time to work on communication so the spouse won't cheat, this is the time to swiftly put the issue to bed for everyone if it's all a misunderstanding.

[Anonymous]

How is your marital sex life OP? All good: > 95% chance he is NOT cheating. Pretty bad: 100% chance he is on the prowl

[Anonymous]

Poor kid. He has been agonizing I am sure. There may be much more he has witnessed or seen. Cheaters are stupid.

[Anonymous]

I would confront my spouse and say that our kid is very upset about all of this. You both need to get an answer to your kid about what the messages really were so he's not left thinking his dad is a cheater. And then, regardless of whether he was cheating, work on your marriage. Your son clearly thinks something could be up. Smile more, laugh more, be affectionate in front of him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You should look at his phone.

+1. I am sure your child agonized over telling you and may not have told you everything he saw.

If your kid was brave enough to come to you with this info, you need to be brave enough to do you own investigation — look at his phone, look at credit card bills, computer history, etc.

Or I dunno, be adult enough to talk to him?

Do not listen to this horrible advice.
If he is having an emotional affair, all you confronting him will do is for him to destroy the evidence and be a LOT more sneaky and careful that he cover up his tracks.

Asking a cheater if they're cheating... ridiculous.

+1. If he is indeed cheating, he clearly has no problems lying and therefore will just lie when asked.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would confront my spouse and say that our kid is very upset about all of this. You both need to get an answer to your kid about what the messages really were so he's not left thinking his dad is a cheater. And then, regardless of whether he was cheating, work on your marriage. Your son clearly thinks something could be up. Smile more, laugh more, be affectionate in front of him.

Uh, OP may not want to work on the marriage if he is indeed cheating. And that is her right. Everyone has a right to their relationship dealbreakers.

[Anonymous]

I had a similar thing happen as a kid, at a similar age.

The #1 thing is, don't tell him "don't worry" and then leave him in the dark. He IS worried. And his imagination is filling in the gaps where you're not providing answers. You need to figure out what you want to tell, him and then execute on that. Ideally you and your spouse together, on the same page.

[Anonymous]

Your child, your child, your child is the only thing that matters. Affirm what your son said. Do not minimize it or ignore it. Tell DH what your son said and then go back to him together to emphasize that you love each other as a family and that the two of you will deal with marital problems together. Your son was brave and well-intentioned but he should never feel it necessary or appropriate to report back to you about your husband unless someone's life is in danger. Boundaries are important for your son's protection. The emotional affair your DH is having is far less important.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How is your marital sex life OP? All good: > 95% chance he is NOT cheating. Pretty bad: 100% chance he is on the prowl

Where do you get this from? I don’t believe this to be true.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I did also say thank you to DS. But it was quick, since he was in class. I do think I need to talk to him further after school and make sure he knows I appreciate him coming to me and he doesn't need to worry.

But with DH, ugh, I'm not the snooping type and don't want to go down that road. Would much rather just discuss it but of course most people would just lie in response. I don't think I have his current passwords anyway. I've had them in the past when I needed them but I don't know if it's still current or if I remember them accurately.

Totally understand this is a situation where you probably wouldn't have a good response in the moment, none of us would! just important to go back and really reassure him later. Sounds like you will.

+1. You’re getting good advice in this thread Op. I would specifically acknowledge how brave your son is to share something and you respect his integrity, that it makes you proud. Emphasize that your door is always open, no matter what.

It sounds like you’re living in a happy place, ans don’t want things to come apart. There are different arguments for/against that but the clear priority is supporting your child no matter what follows. Children first. Keep them safe, protected and loved.

[Anonymous]

Unlock his phone when he is sleeping. If he has a second phone...ask him to open his messages. Look at ALL of them in case he has nicknames or fake name in text.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had a similar thing happen as a kid, at a similar age.

The #1 thing is, don't tell him "don't worry" and then leave him in the dark. He IS worried. And his imagination is filling in the gaps where you're not providing answers. You need to figure out what you want to tell, him and then execute on that. Ideally you and your spouse together, on the same page.

You can ask your son -

Are there any questions you have?
Are you worried or nervous about anything?

Then reassure him. No matter what happens we can choose how we respond to new information, and agree that we both value responding with integrity and respect.


OP - you do need to validate whether the accusation is warranted. If you need a support system for you before you do that fine. Turning a blind eye doesn’t change the environment.

[Anonymous]

It kind of burst the bubble some people have that kids don't know what's going on when you're having an affair.


Sure you can lie and say everything's fine and mommy and daddy will deal with it together, and guess what your kid will know the truth, ta one of you is a cheater, and both of you are liars.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Unlock his phone when he is sleeping. If he has a second phone...ask him to open his messages. Look at ALL of them in case he has nicknames or fake name in text.

Some have AP saved as “scam likely” or “unknown”....to throw u off that it was a telemarketer