10 year old told me he thinks spouse is cheating on me -- advice?

[Anonymous]

Yes ambiguity is not kind to a 10 year and their development.

[Anonymous]

Look at your husband's phone. If you don't have the password, then hand it to him and ask him to open it for you. If he refuses, then you have a problem.

You absolutely need to address this because of your child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You should look at his phone.

+1. I am sure your child agonized over telling you and may not have told you everything he saw.

If your kid was brave enough to come to you with this info, you need to be brave enough to do you own investigation — look at his phone, look at credit card bills, computer history, etc.

+2

I have personal experience with this, OP. My ex-husband and I split over his infidelity, but of course didn't tell the kids that was the reason. Later, he got sloppy with his timeline and alerted one of the kids to the fact that his "new girlfriend" was actually someone he had been seeing while we were married. My poor kid carried this around for MONTHS, not wanting me to know. Of course, I already knew, but the guilt ate my child up inside. It's too much for a child to carry, so please please be an adult and deal with this head-on.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I did also say thank you to DS. But it was quick, since he was in class. I do think I need to talk to him further after school and make sure he knows I appreciate him coming to me and he doesn't need to worry.

But with DH, ugh, I'm not the snooping type and don't want to go down that road. Would much rather just discuss it but of course most people would just lie in response. I don't think I have his current passwords anyway. I've had them in the past when I needed them but I don't know if it's still current or if I remember them accurately.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You should look at his phone.

+1. I am sure your child agonized over telling you and may not have told you everything he saw.

If your kid was brave enough to come to you with this info, you need to be brave enough to do you own investigation — look at his phone, look at credit card bills, computer history, etc.

Or I dunno, be adult enough to talk to him?

No. Get basic info/evidence first. If you don’t use it, fine, but don’t compromise the outcome from the gate by reducing your leverage (legally speaking).

Good god. This is not how I’d handle it, but I guess I trust my husband and would just talk to him.

OP, if your marriage is solid and your husband hasn’t been leaving the house during the pandemic, talk to him. If you think he’s cheating on you, then deal with that by... talking to him. If you don’t trust him, then why are you with him?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You should look at his phone.

+1. I am sure your child agonized over telling you and may not have told you everything he saw.

If your kid was brave enough to come to you with this info, you need to be brave enough to do you own investigation — look at his phone, look at credit card bills, computer history, etc.

Or I dunno, be adult enough to talk to him?

No. Get basic info/evidence first. If you don’t use it, fine, but don’t compromise the outcome from the gate by reducing your leverage (legally speaking).

Good god. This is not how I’d handle it, but I guess I trust my husband and would just talk to him.

OP, if your marriage is solid and your husband hasn’t been leaving the house during the pandemic, talk to him. If you think he’s cheating on you, then deal with that by... talking to him. If you don’t trust him, then why are you with him?

you are super naive if you think every cheating spouse is prepared to admit it when their spouse asks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I did also say thank you to DS. But it was quick, since he was in class. I do think I need to talk to him further after school and make sure he knows I appreciate him coming to me and he doesn't need to worry.

But with DH, ugh, I'm not the snooping type and don't want to go down that road. Would much rather just discuss it but of course most people would just lie in response. I don't think I have his current passwords anyway. I've had them in the past when I needed them but I don't know if it's still current or if I remember them accurately.

Totally understand this is a situation where you probably wouldn't have a good response in the moment, none of us would! just important to go back and really reassure him later. Sounds like you will.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You should look at his phone.

+1. I am sure your child agonized over telling you and may not have told you everything he saw.

If your kid was brave enough to come to you with this info, you need to be brave enough to do you own investigation — look at his phone, look at credit card bills, computer history, etc.

Or I dunno, be adult enough to talk to him?

No. Get basic info/evidence first. If you don’t use it, fine, but don’t compromise the outcome from the gate by reducing your leverage (legally speaking).

I am not OP but wondering how one can do this when they don't have access to phone/email/computer?

[Anonymous]

You should definitely talk to your son and let him know you appreciate him coming to you, his courage and honesty, and that it's hard to understand grown-up relationships and how complicated things can be when you're married. Let him know he doesn't need to worry about you and your husband, you will work things out one way or another just like you always have.

Your husband should talk to him, too. He should apologize for his son being subject to such a confusing and stressful situation. He should reinforce that his family is most important and that he loves his son and appreciates that he is an honest and courageous boy who makes hard choices to do the right thing. And you should have a united front in reinforcing that adult relationships are complicated sometimes and you'll work together to do what's best for the family.

I was your son, OP. It wasn't text messages but many, many phone conversations and other inappropriate behaviors I overheard and witnessed over a period of years. I can't tell you if it gave me a complex, but I can tell you the lack of healthy relationship modeling has been detrimental to my siblings and to me. Extremely detrimental in my case. Do your best to make it right.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You should look at his phone.

+1. I am sure your child agonized over telling you and may not have told you everything he saw.

If your kid was brave enough to come to you with this info, you need to be brave enough to do you own investigation — look at his phone, look at credit card bills, computer history, etc.

Or I dunno, be adult enough to talk to him?

No. Get basic info/evidence first. If you don’t use it, fine, but don’t compromise the outcome from the gate by reducing your leverage (legally speaking).

Good god. This is not how I’d handle it, but I guess I trust my husband and would just talk to him.

OP, if your marriage is solid and your husband hasn’t been leaving the house during the pandemic, talk to him. If you think he’s cheating on you, then deal with that by... talking to him. If you don’t trust him, then why are you with him?

you are super naive if you think every cheating spouse is prepared to admit it when their spouse asks.

I’m actually not naive. My first marriage ended because of infidelity. Had we communicated better, I believe he may not have cheated in the first place and it certainly would have been dealt with much faster.

You, on the other hand, sound paranoid that your husband is cheating on you. Unless you have a prenup that says no cheating, how is proving infidelity going to help you legally? The OP should have a conversation with her spouse about what her son saw. She’ll know if he’s lying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You should definitely talk to your son and let him know you appreciate him coming to you, his courage and honesty, and that it's hard to understand grown-up relationships and how complicated things can be when you're married. Let him know he doesn't need to worry about you and your husband, you will work things out one way or another just like you always have.

Your husband should talk to him, too. He should apologize for his son being subject to such a confusing and stressful situation. He should reinforce that his family is most important and that he loves his son and appreciates that he is an honest and courageous boy who makes hard choices to do the right thing. And you should have a united front in reinforcing that adult relationships are complicated sometimes and you'll work together to do what's best for the family.

I was your son, OP. It wasn't text messages but many, many phone conversations and other inappropriate behaviors I overheard and witnessed over a period of years. I can't tell you if it gave me a complex, but I can tell you the lack of healthy relationship modeling has been detrimental to my siblings and to me. Extremely detrimental in my case. Do your best to make it right.

I’d be careful with the wording. If I were in OP’s son’s shoes and my mom told me the bolded part, I would interpret it as mom telling me that dad has a history of cheating and mom’s had to deal with this before.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You should definitely talk to your son and let him know you appreciate him coming to you, his courage and honesty, and that it's hard to understand grown-up relationships and how complicated things can be when you're married. Let him know he doesn't need to worry about you and your husband, you will work things out one way or another just like you always have.

Your husband should talk to him, too. He should apologize for his son being subject to such a confusing and stressful situation. He should reinforce that his family is most important and that he loves his son and appreciates that he is an honest and courageous boy who makes hard choices to do the right thing. And you should have a united front in reinforcing that adult relationships are complicated sometimes and you'll work together to do what's best for the family.

I was your son, OP. It wasn't text messages but many, many phone conversations and other inappropriate behaviors I overheard and witnessed over a period of years. I can't tell you if it gave me a complex, but I can tell you the lack of healthy relationship modeling has been detrimental to my siblings and to me. Extremely detrimental in my case. Do your best to make it right.

I’d be careful with the wording. If I were in OP’s son’s shoes and my mom told me the bolded part, I would interpret it as mom telling me that dad has a history of cheating and mom’s had to deal with this before.

I'm the PP, and I mean the OP should tell her son that she and her DH will work through challenges in general like they always have. All families and couples face challenges and setbacks in life, and what's important is to work through those challenges together. Your family is a team. A husband and wife are a team. I don't know the best way to word all of that for a 10-year-old, but I also don't think a 10-year-old is going to interpret what I initially wrote as "Dad's history of cheating." Maybe an older kid or an adult, but who knows, I don't know OP's kid. I don't think as a 10-year-old that's how I would have interpreted it. But my parents never addressed anything. What they should have told me is that all marriages are complicated and all marriages are different, and what happens in them is between the two married people and not for kids to worry about and everything would be OK.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You should look at his phone.

Look into everything and stay cool. Take your own photos of those texts. Credit card bills, Runa. Credit check to find Unknown CCs.

Hire someone to do it if you won’t for some reason.

Keep telling son same thing.

Does your husband go to an office or out nowadays or work from home and talk on phone a lot?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You should look at his phone.

+1. I am sure your child agonized over telling you and may not have told you everything he saw.

If your kid was brave enough to come to you with this info, you need to be brave enough to do you own investigation — look at his phone, look at credit card bills, computer history, etc.

Or I dunno, be adult enough to talk to him?

No. Get basic info/evidence first. If you don’t use it, fine, but don’t compromise the outcome from the gate by reducing your leverage (legally speaking).

Good god. This is not how I’d handle it, but I guess I trust my husband and would just talk to him.

OP, if your marriage is solid and your husband hasn’t been leaving the house during the pandemic, talk to him. If you think he’s cheating on you, then deal with that by... talking to him. If you don’t trust him, then why are you with him?

Do not negotiate with cheaters.

Get the facts and evidence first before any talk (even then have a good plan and lawyer advice). He may lie and turn on you so fast your head will spin. Be smarter than that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You should look at his phone.

+1. I am sure your child agonized over telling you and may not have told you everything he saw.

If your kid was brave enough to come to you with this info, you need to be brave enough to do you own investigation — look at his phone, look at credit card bills, computer history, etc.

Or I dunno, be adult enough to talk to him?

No. Get basic info/evidence first. If you don’t use it, fine, but don’t compromise the outcome from the gate by reducing your leverage (legally speaking).

Good god. This is not how I’d handle it, but I guess I trust my husband and would just talk to him.

OP, if your marriage is solid and your husband hasn’t been leaving the house during the pandemic, talk to him. If you think he’s cheating on you, then deal with that by... talking to him. If you don’t trust him, then why are you with him?

you are super naive if you think every cheating spouse is prepared to admit it when their spouse asks.

I’m actually not naive. My first marriage ended because of infidelity. Had we communicated better, I believe he may not have cheated in the first place and it certainly would have been dealt with much faster.

You, on the other hand, sound paranoid that your husband is cheating on you. Unless you have a prenup that says no cheating, how is proving infidelity going to help you legally? The OP should have a conversation with her spouse about what her son saw. She’ll know if he’s lying.

Man, did he convince of the above or a terrible therapist in couples counseling?