I have a competitive, grandiose sister

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Team sister here. You sound exactly how she described you. Some looking inward is a good thing, try it.
Nothing you posted paints her in a bad light, but it paints you as a typically selfish person who imagines herself a victim. Um, no.
You described that you have demands and you are not there at all, while she is.

I would not say it this harshly, but it is true that when I read the OP, I felt there was very little introspection.

Agree. Just how she puts it I don't see much wrong with her middle sister. Younger sister syndrome here. Her sister shows her hobby work, what is wrong with that? OP is a Ph.D., her sister is looking for some praise from her highly educated sis? What is grandiose in that?

Uh, didn't OP say that her sister was a lawyer? If the sister is looking for praise, it's not because she envies OP's career or education.

Oh, come on. All of us look for some small praise and admiration here and there. Maybe op's sister is trying to find a common ground with her, and maybe this is her effort to talk about something natural? Maybe op's sister too is trying to make their relationship better? And op's sees it as a negative thing. This could be a simple miscommunication?OP is trying and sees her own efforts, but can't see her sister's efforts? And vice versa?

[Anonymous]

^^talk about something neutral.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Team sister here. You sound exactly how she described you. Some looking inward is a good thing, try it.
Nothing you posted paints her in a bad light, but it paints you as a typically selfish person who imagines herself a victim. Um, no.
You described that you have demands and you are not there at all, while she is.

I would not say it this harshly, but it is true that when I read the OP, I felt there was very little introspection.

Agree. Just how she puts it I don't see much wrong with her middle sister. Younger sister syndrome here. Her sister shows her hobby work, what is wrong with that? OP is a Ph.D., her sister is looking for some praise from her highly educated sis? What is grandiose in that?

Uh, didn't OP say that her sister was a lawyer? If the sister is looking for praise, it's not because she envies OP's career or education.

Oh, come on. All of us look for some small praise and admiration here and there. Maybe op's sister is trying to find a common ground with her, and maybe this is her effort to talk about something natural? Maybe op's sister too is trying to make their relationship better? And op's sees it as a negative thing. This could be a simple miscommunication?OP is trying and sees her own efforts, but can't see her sister's efforts? And vice versa?

Hi, this is op. I don't see her sharing her artwork (or her tik tok or her new consignment clothes pics etc) as negative, I bought her first piece when she started. I enjoy my sister, I appreciate what her husband does for my parents very much (food shops, I left out that he does much of the helping). I was speaking about her specifically attacking me as absent with my parents. We both find common ground, we both say nice things to each other. She is more of an exhibitionist, and so i see more and do more supporting. Despite that, and feeling like we had a good vibe going, she attacked in a particularly harsh way and lied. That was my issue. I support her and think her work is really good.

[Anonymous]

Say, "That was way harsh, Tai," and then disengage for a while.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Say, "That was way harsh, Tai," and then disengage for a while.

I'm going to! Thx

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Say, "That was way harsh, Tai," and then disengage for a while.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is why I'm glad I'm an only child, my wife is an only child too. None of this stuff, period.

but you got all the problems that single married people have. Better divorce that wife of yours. No people, no problem!

[Anonymous]

From your replies, it does seem that the sister does most of the work with your parents. She might have a personality clash with you, but she still put in more work than you. Have you ever said to her directly that you appreciate her taking on the bulk of care for your parents? and ask her how you can be more helpful and then put your side of the story forward and let her know how her words hurt you.

[Anonymous]

I can relate. I am the one who lives closest and does the lion share of helping parents though. My sister has always been competitive and grandiose and it has hurt her personal life though she is very successful in her career and well educated at the best schools.She does all sorts of nasty underhanded things and I have no interest in the competition she thinks we have. I totally disengage and have very low expectations. I have come to accept the situation is what it is. Mom does not appreciate what i do, so I do what I can handle and don't drive myself nuts. My sister does little to nothing and somehow is getting all sorts of financial gifts from mom she doesn't need. I have my boundaries with both and I expect bad behavior from both. Anything good that comes out of either of them is a pleasant surprise. mostly, though I don't really communicate with my sister anymore. If she needs to know something I have a doctor tell her. I just don't have the patience for the drama and manipulation.

[Anonymous]

Try to "drop the rope" OP.

Ensure that your relationship with your parents is what you want, that you're comfortable with it, that it doesn't matter what others think because you know that you and they are on solid ground.

Do the same with your other sister.

Then lay and keep the boundaries w/ the challenging sister. Do not engage or rise to the bait when she taunts you. Do not let your boundaries be disregarded. Do not let her dominate your world.

Work on having a few things you can say when needed:
- Well, I checked and it looks like X is what happened. So I am doing Y. (if you catch her in a lie, and if you REALLY need to bring it up for some reason.)
- I appreciate all you do for our parents Jane.
- I'm really comfortable with my relationship w/ Mom and Dad. And they're comfortable with me. If there is anything they need to discuss with me they will. I talk to them regularly and they know how to reach me.
- Thanks for your concern. I'm fine. How 'bout them Jets?

Etc... Just preprogram yourself not to rise to the bait. If you are not adding oxygen to her fire it won't burn as brightly and might just flame out.

Also, there may come a day when having a sister who is so aggressively staking her claim as primary support for your parents will actually be a lifesaver. You might find - someday - that indulging or stroking her ego in that regard will support critical work she does for your parents, or in managing estate junk when the time comes. THat's a really dark view of things, but it's one that I've seen played out in my extended family. There is often someone whose self-worth is tied up in being martyred somehow, and that person often also does provide some really critical services.

Hang in there!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My big sister is also a control freak and will get mad at me for completely mysterious invented reasons. I just shrug and try to talk about The Bachelorette instead. Claire was crazy and I'm glad she's gone.

Yes to this. Every time I visit my family (my sister and parents live in the same town, I live a couple states away), my sister summons me to her house for a one on one conversation in which she lays out some drama that I have somehow caused by doing things like spending too much or too little on niece/nephew holiday gifts or inviting my parents for a weekend getaway but not extending the invitation to my sister, her husband, and four children as well.

I just nod and listen and then say "I'm so sorry you feel that way" and then change the subject. I know she's looking for apologies, but the stuff she's mad about don't make sense to me at all. And I've learned that if I engage, she just yells at me and won't let me speak anyway. So I just let her say her thing and then talk about reality TV or fashion or whatever. My fantasy is that one day I show up and she skips the controlling rage routine and we just go straight to the dumb stuff and talking about our kids. Maybe post-Covid? Maybe never.

Perhaps this same sister uses the same technique on you when you start bringing up old grudges? I know my sister does it to me, and I do it with her! LOL! I think all of us could so with some introspection. Try to see things from your sister's point of view.
As we are older, I am almost 50, I think we all tend to allow our brain patterns to be stuck in some teen years when we visit with our sister and our parents. That's the way brain synopsis fire, in old familiar past ways. Hence making us normal functioning adults in our own families, but kids in our origin families. This was an eye-opening moment for me. I have lived around the world, but when visiting my home town and parents and sister I keep talking about some perceived slights and how mom loves sister more on and on. Gosh, I was such a drone.
So, my younger sister asked me why do I keep bringing these things up over and over again, and is this all I talk about in my regular life. I said, no, not at all. I talk about my travels, my work, my studies, my kids, the countries I lived in. She then asked, why don't I talk about that with her? I said I don't know. I didn't think you would be interested in those experiences. Of course, she was! And I was interested in her new experiences. Since then our relationship has improved so, so much! I thank my sister for this wonderful gift, the ability to move past being kids and hashing out some old slights and injustices. We were always best friends, but there was that inability to let go of the past "us." Now, we are able to see each other as grown women with new interests and talk about what is important now.

I don't talk about my grudges with my family because I have no grudges with them. They are people. They have made mistakes. I don't worry about it. They have hurt me in the past but there is little to be gained from dwelling on it. I focus instead on making my life as good as I can make it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:From your replies, it does seem that the sister does most of the work with your parents. She might have a personality clash with you, but she still put in more work than you. Have you ever said to her directly that you appreciate her taking on the bulk of care for your parents? and ask her how you can be more helpful and then put your side of the story forward and let her know how her words hurt you.

I have joined in with her in expressing how great her husband, the newest family member, is with my parents yes. Again, there is no bulk of care yet that she assumes. My mother actually cooks for her and teaches her things she is interested in now, like sewing. My other sister does the dr. Calls more, or again, my brother in law who worked from home also pre pandemic. What she does is visit more (and someimes fight with her more) but yes, that is somethingn of course. Yes, I support that and say thank you. Other people visit my mother too, she is active and we have a large extended family. She needs to win and needs to feel she does the most and i have to just let her have that. I just need it said, she is not a caretaker. She is not nurturing and giving like that. Her husband is. And my other sister is. They are the true heroes. And truly selfless.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Try to "drop the rope" OP.

Ensure that your relationship with your parents is what you want, that you're comfortable with it, that it doesn't matter what others think because you know that you and they are on solid ground.

Do the same with your other sister.

Then lay and keep the boundaries w/ the challenging sister. Do not engage or rise to the bait when she taunts you. Do not let your boundaries be disregarded. Do not let her dominate your world.

Work on having a few things you can say when needed:
- Well, I checked and it looks like X is what happened. So I am doing Y. (if you catch her in a lie, and if you REALLY need to bring it up for some reason.)
- I appreciate all you do for our parents Jane.
- I'm really comfortable with my relationship w/ Mom and Dad. And they're comfortable with me. If there is anything they need to discuss with me they will. I talk to them regularly and they know how to reach me.
- Thanks for your concern. I'm fine. How 'bout them Jets?

Etc... Just preprogram yourself not to rise to the bait. If you are not adding oxygen to her fire it won't burn as brightly and might just flame out.

Also, there may come a day when having a sister who is so aggressively staking her claim as primary support for your parents will actually be a lifesaver. You might find - someday - that indulging or stroking her ego in that regard will support critical work she does for your parents, or in managing estate junk when the time comes. THat's a really dark view of things, but it's one that I've seen played out in my extended family. There is often someone whose self-worth is tied up in being martyred somehow, and that person often also does provide some really critical services.

Hang in there!

Thoughtful and helpful, thank you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can relate. I am the one who lives closest and does the lion share of helping parents though. My sister has always been competitive and grandiose and it has hurt her personal life though she is very successful in her career and well educated at the best schools.She does all sorts of nasty underhanded things and I have no interest in the competition she thinks we have. I totally disengage and have very low expectations. I have come to accept the situation is what it is. Mom does not appreciate what i do, so I do what I can handle and don't drive myself nuts. My sister does little to nothing and somehow is getting all sorts of financial gifts from mom she doesn't need. I have my boundaries with both and I expect bad behavior from both. Anything good that comes out of either of them is a pleasant surprise. mostly, though I don't really communicate with my sister anymore. If she needs to know something I have a doctor tell her. I just don't have the patience for the drama and manipulation.

Sounds really difficult and that you have found a way to stay centered in all of it. Yes on dropping the rope and boundaries. Thx

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:From your replies, it does seem that the sister does most of the work with your parents. She might have a personality clash with you, but she still put in more work than you. Have you ever said to her directly that you appreciate her taking on the bulk of care for your parents? and ask her how you can be more helpful and then put your side of the story forward and let her know how her words hurt you.

I have joined in with her in expressing how great her husband, the newest family member, is with my parents yes. Again, there is no bulk of care yet that she assumes. My mother actually cooks for her and teaches her things she is interested in now, like sewing. My other sister does the dr. Calls more, or again, my brother in law who worked from home also pre pandemic. What she does is visit more (and someimes fight with her more) but yes, that is somethingn of course. Yes, I support that and say thank you. Other people visit my mother too, she is active and we have a large extended family. She needs to win and needs to feel she does the most and i have to just let her have that. I just need it said, she is not a caretaker. She is not nurturing and giving like that. Her husband is. And my other sister is. They are the true heroes. And truly selfless.

OP, I know someone who pulled this crap (there are also three sisters) - the oldest was relatively normal, but died on the young side (heart attack - but she was healthy - probably undetected murmur or something, not that it matters); middle one was always the mom's favorite, given everything (education, car, etc. - the other kids paid their own ways) always a failure no matter how much she was given. The youngest one (my friend) was close to the dad, paid her own way, made her own success, and the middle sister can not STAND it. Did you see the movie "Ever After" with Drew Barrymore? Yeah, kind of like that.

Then, to top it off, the middle sister stole whatever the parents had, money from parents' home sales, high end 24-24k gold jewelry, you name it - and claimed she "did all the work". Your sister is angling for all the credit, one way or another. In my friend's family, the remaining sister and brother don't even bother with the selfish sister, because what's the point? In her mind, she is the best at taking care of everyone" - but she started this narrative decades ago, knowing she only took care of herself. People like that are underhanded thieves and liars. Boundaries are crucial. I don't know what to tell you, but the projecting and crazy is real in this kind of person. They believe their own lies, which are endless.