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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]My big sister is also a control freak and will get mad at me for completely mysterious invented reasons.  I just shrug and try to talk about The Bachelorette instead.  Claire was crazy and I'm glad she's gone.  [/quote]

Yes to this. Every time I visit my family (my sister and parents live in the same town, I live a couple states away), my sister summons me to her house for a one on one conversation in which she lays out some drama that I have somehow caused by doing things like spending too much or too little on niece/nephew holiday gifts or inviting my parents for a weekend getaway but not extending the invitation to my sister, her husband, and four children as well.

I just nod and listen and then say "I'm so sorry you feel that way" and then change the subject. I know she's looking for apologies, but the stuff she's mad about don't make sense to me at all. And I've learned that if I engage, she just yells at me and won't let me speak anyway. So I just let her say her thing and then talk about reality TV or fashion or whatever. My fantasy is that one day I show up and she skips the controlling rage routine and we just go straight to the dumb stuff and talking about our kids. Maybe post-Covid? Maybe never.[/quote]
Perhaps this same sister uses the same technique on you when you start bringing up old grudges? I know my sister does it to me, and I do it with her! LOL! I think all of us could so with some introspection. Try to see things from your sister's point of view.
As we are older, I am almost 50, I think we all tend to allow our brain patterns to be stuck in some teen years when we visit with our sister and our parents. That's the way brain synopsis fire, in old familiar past ways. Hence making us normal functioning adults in our own families, but kids in our origin families. This was an eye-opening moment for me. I have lived around the world, but when visiting my home town and parents and sister I keep talking about some perceived slights and how mom loves sister more on and on. Gosh, I was such a drone.
So, my younger sister asked me why do I keep bringing these things up over and over again, and is this all I talk about in my regular life. I said, no, not at all. I talk about my travels, my work, my studies, my kids, the countries I lived in. She then asked, why don't I talk about that with her? I said I don't know. I didn't think you would be interested in those experiences. Of course, she was! And I was interested in her new experiences. Since then our relationship has improved so, so much! I thank my sister for this wonderful gift, the ability to move past being kids and hashing out some old slights and injustices. We were always best friends, but there was that inability to let go of the past "us." Now, we are able to see each other as grown women with new interests and talk about what is important now.[/quote]

I don't talk about my grudges with my family because I have no grudges with them. They are people. They have made mistakes. I don't worry about it. They have hurt me in the past but there is little to be gained from dwelling on it. I focus instead on making my life as good as I can make it.[/quote]

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