I have a competitive, grandiose sister

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

She’s a bully. One of my aunts is like this and my mother has suffered from it.

Distance yourself.

x10000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In other words, you gossip your sister endlessly, look to be offended by small things, and are begrudging that she is more outgoing than you. What a victim you are!
Honestly, you sound jealous of her, not the other way around at all.

Not OP but you seem like you are projecting a LOT.

[Anonymous]

People like that always have to devalue others, especially if that other person is more of a superstar, OP. Maybe you are too humble to tout your own accomplishments, but you seem really supportive, and she should be glad to have you as a sister, OP. Me, I would get tired of hearing it.

[Anonymous]

Why is it that every time we have someone post that she lives away from her parents, the sibling that is closer to the parents is an unreasonable one? OP's parents are 80ish, she said. But, they are fully functional and need no help? How realistic is that? Not realistic at all. I am guessing that adult kids living far away are underplaying how much help elderly parents do need so that they can feel justified in no being there.
I am guessing OP has no clue how much help her parents need! Even though, she posted that her BIL and older sister are constantly helping her parents.
Seems like OP's sister is fed up that OP wants a say in everything, but is not actually there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why is it that every time we have someone post that she lives away from her parents, the sibling that is closer to the parents is an unreasonable one? OP's parents are 80ish, she said. But, they are fully functional and need no help? How realistic is that? Not realistic at all. I am guessing that adult kids living far away are underplaying how much help elderly parents do need so that they can feel justified in no being there.
I am guessing OP has no clue how much help her parents need! Even though, she posted that her BIL and older sister are constantly helping her parents.
Seems like OP's sister is fed up that OP wants a say in everything, but is not actually there.

I agree with this. I just don't trust OPs assessment. 4x a year and phone calls, with parents over 80? Please.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:From your replies, it does seem that the sister does most of the work with your parents. She might have a personality clash with you, but she still put in more work than you. Have you ever said to her directly that you appreciate her taking on the bulk of care for your parents? and ask her how you can be more helpful and then put your side of the story forward and let her know how her words hurt you.

I have joined in with her in expressing how great her husband, the newest family member, is with my parents yes. Again, there is no bulk of care yet that she assumes. My mother actually cooks for her and teaches her things she is interested in now, like sewing. My other sister does the dr. Calls more, or again, my brother in law who worked from home also pre pandemic. What she does is visit more (and someimes fight with her more) but yes, that is somethingn of course. Yes, I support that and say thank you. Other people visit my mother too, she is active and we have a large extended family. She needs to win and needs to feel she does the most and i have to just let her have that. I just need it said, she is not a caretaker. She is not nurturing and giving like that. Her husband is. And my other sister is. They are the true heroes. And truly selfless.

OP, I know someone who pulled this crap (there are also three sisters) - the oldest was relatively normal, but died on the young side (heart attack - but she was healthy - probably undetected murmur or something, not that it matters); middle one was always the mom's favorite, given everything (education, car, etc. - the other kids paid their own ways) always a failure no matter how much she was given. The youngest one (my friend) was close to the dad, paid her own way, made her own success, and the middle sister can not STAND it. Did you see the movie "Ever After" with Drew Barrymore? Yeah, kind of like that.

Then, to top it off, the middle sister stole whatever the parents had, money from parents' home sales, high end 24-24k gold jewelry, you name it - and claimed she "did all the work". Your sister is angling for all the credit, one way or another. In my friend's family, the remaining sister and brother don't even bother with the selfish sister, because what's the point? In her mind, she is the best at taking care of everyone" - but she started this narrative decades ago, knowing she only took care of herself. People like that are underhanded thieves and liars. Boundaries are crucial. I don't know what to tell you, but the projecting and crazy is real in this kind of person. They believe their own lies, which are endless.

Forgot to mention, the sister actually had the remaining parent move in with them, took all their money and belongings of value, and literally had their friend (not the family member) drop the parent off at a nursing home. Then, when the parent died, had the parent cremated, against the parents' wishes and against the parents' religious beliefs. There was more than enough money for a non cremation burial, but the sister wanted every last penny (literally) to herself.

Problem is, the sister lost her sh&t when the parent started saying "why can't you have your act together like (my friend, the younger sister). That set the evil sister off, completely. The evil sister was done with everyone when all the money was taken and the younger sister was being mentioned in a good light - instead of how great the middle sister was.

I wonder if the middle sister stereotype exists for good reason.

[Anonymous]

OP I have a similar sister, and you have to learn to disengage until you can better handle it. That means hanging up or saying you have to run when they drone on and one about themselves, stop doing her a favor and answering all her calls about her crap. It’s a bad cycle to give up so much of yourself for other people. You should have learned a while ago, but she will use it all up at some point with her crap, so you need to keep some emotional capital for that time. So that’s what I do - I love my sister but I have put enough distance between us that when she’s an asshole or needs help, I still have the generosity of heart to be either forgiving or helpful, respectively.

I hope that makes sense and helps!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why is it that every time we have someone post that she lives away from her parents, the sibling that is closer to the parents is an unreasonable one? OP's parents are 80ish, she said. But, they are fully functional and need no help? How realistic is that? Not realistic at all. I am guessing that adult kids living far away are underplaying how much help elderly parents do need so that they can feel justified in no being there.
I am guessing OP has no clue how much help her parents need! Even though, she posted that her BIL and older sister are constantly helping her parents.
Seems like OP's sister is fed up that OP wants a say in everything, but is not actually there.

Yes, they are very functional in a regimented, way, and in a domestic way, in some ways indicative of how they always were. My mother was like martha stewart : She foodshops (prepandemic), does laundry, cooks a lot, bakes, gardens, reads, pays her bills, shops at macy's when it was safe, goes on fb and talks on the phone with her living over 80 relatives, a group of 4 women. Prepandemic they all saw each other for lunches. My cousins sometimes visit like i visit my aunts when i go home. My father walks, reads and watches tv. They are healthy. For local dr's appointments, my mother drives herself. For specialists, my older sister drives them. They have help for things like lawncare, snow removal, obviously. They have money because they are savers. They are married 60 years. I am sorry this does not fit your perception. It could change on a dime, but they were both doing really well for their age.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I have a similar sister, and you have to learn to disengage until you can better handle it. That means hanging up or saying you have to run when they drone on and one about themselves, stop doing her a favor and answering all her calls about her crap. It’s a bad cycle to give up so much of yourself for other people. You should have learned a while ago, but she will use it all up at some point with her crap, so you need to keep some emotional capital for that time. So that’s what I do - I love my sister but I have put enough distance between us that when she’s an asshole or needs help, I still have the generosity of heart to be either forgiving or helpful, respectively.

I hope that makes sense and helps!

It is, thank you

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is it that every time we have someone post that she lives away from her parents, the sibling that is closer to the parents is an unreasonable one? OP's parents are 80ish, she said. But, they are fully functional and need no help? How realistic is that? Not realistic at all. I am guessing that adult kids living far away are underplaying how much help elderly parents do need so that they can feel justified in no being there.
I am guessing OP has no clue how much help her parents need! Even though, she posted that her BIL and older sister are constantly helping her parents.
Seems like OP's sister is fed up that OP wants a say in everything, but is not actually there.

I agree with this. I just don't trust OPs assessment. 4x a year and phone calls, with parents over 80? Please.

You know how there is a cluster of immigrants that came to the states, had an enclave of relatives, a large number of family members, who were together all the time...cooking, celebrating, as a family. They never ate fast food, the women cooked huge amounts, they walked and gardened and saved and lived simple lives? Those are my parents. They are still surrounded by family. And that includes me too. You are not understanding. They are neither lonely or ill right now.

[Anonymous]

It’s hard for me to answer questions like this because I would have disengaged already and kept my distance. Civil but removed.

It’s crazy to me that you put up with her abuse but you’ve done it all your life, sounds like.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is it that every time we have someone post that she lives away from her parents, the sibling that is closer to the parents is an unreasonable one? OP's parents are 80ish, she said. But, they are fully functional and need no help? How realistic is that? Not realistic at all. I am guessing that adult kids living far away are underplaying how much help elderly parents do need so that they can feel justified in no being there.
I am guessing OP has no clue how much help her parents need! Even though, she posted that her BIL and older sister are constantly helping her parents.
Seems like OP's sister is fed up that OP wants a say in everything, but is not actually there.

Yes, they are very functional in a regimented, way, and in a domestic way, in some ways indicative of how they always were. My mother was like martha stewart : She foodshops (prepandemic), does laundry, cooks a lot, bakes, gardens, reads, pays her bills, shops at macy's when it was safe, goes on fb and talks on the phone with her living over 80 relatives, a group of 4 women. Prepandemic they all saw each other for lunches. My cousins sometimes visit like i visit my aunts when i go home. My father walks, reads and watches tv. They are healthy. For local dr's appointments, my mother drives herself. For specialists, my older sister drives them. They have help for things like lawncare, snow removal, obviously. They have money because they are savers. They are married 60 years. I am sorry this does not fit your perception. It could change on a dime, but they were both doing really well for their age.

Yes, ok op. You are totally the victim of your sister.
Why are the older sister and middle sister's husband doing anything for them at all? Perhaps you don't really know? Not being there and all? Easy for you to tell someone who is there how things are with parents you did not see since March.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is it that every time we have someone post that she lives away from her parents, the sibling that is closer to the parents is an unreasonable one? OP's parents are 80ish, she said. But, they are fully functional and need no help? How realistic is that? Not realistic at all. I am guessing that adult kids living far away are underplaying how much help elderly parents do need so that they can feel justified in no being there.
I am guessing OP has no clue how much help her parents need! Even though, she posted that her BIL and older sister are constantly helping her parents.
Seems like OP's sister is fed up that OP wants a say in everything, but is not actually there.

I agree with this. I just don't trust OPs assessment. 4x a year and phone calls, with parents over 80? Please.

You know how there is a cluster of immigrants that came to the states, had an enclave of relatives, a large number of family members, who were together all the time...cooking, celebrating, as a family. They never ate fast food, the women cooked huge amounts, they walked and gardened and saved and lived simple lives? Those are my parents. They are still surrounded by family. And that includes me too. You are not understanding. They are neither lonely or ill right now.

What now you are a cluster of immigrants?

[Anonymous]

What were the lies, how did you catch her in them, and how did you let her know you had caught her?

[Anonymous]

She can't "compete" with her if you aren't constantly sharing information. So stop.