I have a competitive, grandiose sister
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Anonymous
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I have two older sisters, the oldest is kind, drama free and easy to get along with. My middle sister is difficult and has, "jan brady syndrome". A deep rivalry, with me in particular, longstanding, and while there are kernels that were true about our childhood and painful for her(i was the good girl, she was wilder, my mother did not understand her) i always lived and supported her and felt for her. I really looked up to her in childhood. As i grew up, i saw her more realistically, she is self centered, but she is also funny and smart and my sister so I am her audience a lot of the time. This us comfortable for me, so i go with it.
She uses me this way, shows me her hobby artwork, consults about stuff in her life, exhibits herself a lot and looks for my affirmation, which i give. I share less because i know she can turn on me at any time and I am a lower key person. Her rivalry makes me less likely to shine in my own life, but that's my issue to fix that i work on in therapy. She is envious i think, but we cannot talk maturely about it. Other family members would agree. Fast forward, we are in our 50's, she's a type A lawyer (impatient, aggressive, opinionated) I am a ph.d, we have families...I live 4 hours away, she lives close to them. And she sees herself as the designated protector of my parents. (She does have power of attorney) . My parents though are well and independent. She basically is a ball buster with me in a variety of ways. and inflates her contributions, and devalues mine. It came to a head yesterday and i got really upset...really hurt by her implying i did not visit enough in past year, that i think i am superior, her "neck hurts from my demands that we all look up to you", crazy sh#t and a lot of projection.. How do you all deal with siblings like this? I'm unlikely to cut her off, i just don't roll that way. We usually talk again after a month This one hurt, because she is now positioning herself as the one who does the most for my parents. It is untrue. I caught her in a couple of lies and confronted her, so i think she retaliated particularly hard and was particularly unkind and intrusive. Still, this is her. And I am really bummed about it. [list] |
Anonymous
| This is why I'm glad I'm an only child, my wife is an only child too. None of this stuff, period. |
Anonymous
It's very hard yes. |
Anonymous
Sorry this didnt answer the question. Perhaps try just letting things roll off your back? Live your life, what is she harming really? |
Anonymous
| You need better boundaries |
Anonymous
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Oh yes, my sister is that type (but also funny and charming but an explosive angry streak) , and people like that DO NOT like to be caught in lies! That’s probably what did it.
Just be happy you are 4 hours away, and step it up with your parents if you are deficient in that area. (Take honest assessment) |
Anonymous
I really try and I let a lot go. I am by nature more sensitive, but i guess it is seeing her now getting some enjoyment in feeling closer to my parents and her enjoyment in "telling me how it is" about things....she is a bizarre outlier, I am a professional woman in my fifties, married with children and she talks to me like I am 12. It's the grandiosity that now is crossing over into our relationship with our parents and its quite hurtful. It's always a competition. And she's vocal about her feeling she is on top. Hard to bear. |
Anonymous
| Taking care of parents as they age is challenging and places a great deal of stress on sibling relationships. There is resentment about who is doing more for them, and in general how to manage the situation. This is going to get worse as the demands increase. Your sister is posturing herself as the hero to your parents. And because she has power of attorney, she has some control which she is flexing. Unfortunately, you will not be able to avoid her if you want to be involved with helping your parents. But you may have an ally with your older sister who can help to mitigate her behavior. |
Anonymous
Helpful, thanks |
Anonymous
She is an ally, albeit avoidant of confrontation. They are currently not talking, I don't know the details. (And don't ask) |
Anonymous
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Where is your oldest sister in all this? How does she interact with middle?
It is hard to be the person there in charge. It is hard to also be the person further away, and of course it is hard to hear her be the one "closer" to your parents. You have t o develop some thicker skin, decide when and where to engage, develop some security in your relationship with your parents. Recognize she is pushing your buttons at being closer to your parents, and don't let your buttons get pushed. |
Anonymous
| I am one of 3 sisters. Boundaries are important. Easy to get enmeshed |
Anonymous
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OP, my sister is very much like this, especially in being very controlling regarding our parents and then expressing resentment that she is the one to "handle things". Like you, our parents are still in good health and are financially independent, so she isn't actually providing for them. She's just very involved in their lives (and also relies on them a ton for childcare and help, but that gets dismissed as not mattering for some reason).
Anyway, the way I handle it is by focusing exclusively on the things that matter to me and then just not caring about the rest. For instance, it is important to me that my parents have good relationships with my child and have opportunities to spend time with her. As long as that need is met, I just don't worry about what they are doing with my sister or her kids and don't view it as my business. Sometimes it is a little hard because my sister is so dominant in their lives that my mom brings her up constantly. But I have trained myself to just detach from the conversation and smile and say pleasant and complimentary things until it is over. I don't engage in a competition. I just remind myself my parents love my child and that I am doing what I need to do to facilitate the relationship. And I also have just let go of any ideas I had of my parents being a strong presence or support in my life (separate from their relationship with my child). I do not expect emotional support or understanding from them, nor from my sister, and I have found other places to get that support. This way, when my sister demands their assistance and support, I can just detach and not be part of it. I no longer view it as taking anything away from me because it's not something I expect anymore. I know it will get harder as my parents decline in health because I know my sister will have very strong feelings about it all and will insist on her way. So I have simply encouraged my parents to put their healthcare and end of life wishes in writing. I'm not going to fight my sister on any of this stuff unless I think it might actually hurt my parents. But if they are not clear on their wishes and my sister insists on something, I will likely just go with it. This is a dynamic they have all encouraged. I'm not going to make myself miserable by fighting it. I'm sure my sister will again claim that she is doing all the work and that I'm being passive. It's fine. And since, unlike my sister, I have no designs or expectations on my parents' money or assets when they pass, I feel that I can avoid conflict there as well. I just let go. Let it all go. I refuse to play my role in this little drama. |
Anonymous
| My big sister is also a control freak and will get mad at me for completely mysterious invented reasons. I just shrug and try to talk about The Bachelorette instead. Claire was crazy and I'm glad she's gone. |
Anonymous
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She’s a bully. One of my aunts is like this and my mother has suffered from it. Distance yourself. |