s/o: sexless marriages, did you know this happens often?

[Anonymous]

^i do. It’s normal. I don’t want to have an affair. But I definitely have a deep curiosity about other men. New tricks welcomed

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think maybe some of the surprise comes from the way it's portrayed versus the reality of how it comes to pass.

Most of the reason for the decline in sex is that people get bored, and women get bored more quickly than men for mostly biological reasons. Nobody's fault.

The way it gets portrayed blames it on women being asexual generally, causing women to say "hey! We like sex!" and on men becoming out of shape, thoughtless dopes. Guys say "hey! I'm still in pretty good shape and I pull my weight at home."

Since the individuals don't fall into the stereotypical tropes usually thought of as causing the sexlessness, they think that won't happen to their marriages. But, biology is biology, so it happens anyway, and they're surprised.

YES. I'm sexually bored with my husband even though the sex can be good. I just am not interested. Want a new partner.

This is the truth. My husband is good in bed and knows how to get me off, but I crave new and exciting. It monogamy that's the problem

I am surprised by these three posters. I have a hard time believing they are really women. I have never heard a girlfriend say anything like this. Ever. Some of my friends say that they love their husbands but aren't really that interested in sex anymore, but I have never heard them say they don't want to have sex with their husband but crave sex with other men.

Yeah. None of my friends have expressed that interest verbally either. Frankly, it sounds very slutty. I am not friends with whores though. Nobody condones affairs or cheating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think maybe some of the surprise comes from the way it's portrayed versus the reality of how it comes to pass.

Most of the reason for the decline in sex is that people get bored, and women get bored more quickly than men for mostly biological reasons. Nobody's fault.

The way it gets portrayed blames it on women being asexual generally, causing women to say "hey! We like sex!" and on men becoming out of shape, thoughtless dopes. Guys say "hey! I'm still in pretty good shape and I pull my weight at home."

Since the individuals don't fall into the stereotypical tropes usually thought of as causing the sexlessness, they think that won't happen to their marriages. But, biology is biology, so it happens anyway, and they're surprised.

This, but also -- it's variable! I think people freak out about the drop off in sex when kids enter the picture. But it's not the end. Things change a lot when kids are old enough to be a little independent, when they can go do sleep overs or attend birthday parties on their own. And then again when they get to high school and are out of the house even more. It's constantly evolving.

There is a period of time when parents are maximally exhausted and have very little time to themselves, plus women go through a lot of physical and hormonal changes around childbirth that can impact their libidos. it's all normal. But if partners are committed and willing to try (and keep talking to each other about it), it will come back, and can even come back in surprising and exciting ways that satisfy the desire for novelty.

So often when people talk about unhappiness in marriage, I think they are getting stuck in short-term thinking. Of course your short-term happiness matters. But people will CAUSE short-term unhappiness by assuming that everything that is happening right now is a permanent circumstance. They look at money constraints and decide they will never resolve. They look at stress or family dynamics when a new baby comes and think their connection to their partner is forever deteriorated. And so on.

The only thing permanent about marriage is the marriage itself (if you let it be). Trust in the commitment and make everything else negotiable, changeable. Experiment. As long as you make those choices together and keep lines of communication open, the specifics are actually a lot less important than you think.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think maybe some of the surprise comes from the way it's portrayed versus the reality of how it comes to pass.

Most of the reason for the decline in sex is that people get bored, and women get bored more quickly than men for mostly biological reasons. Nobody's fault.

The way it gets portrayed blames it on women being asexual generally, causing women to say "hey! We like sex!" and on men becoming out of shape, thoughtless dopes. Guys say "hey! I'm still in pretty good shape and I pull my weight at home."

Since the individuals don't fall into the stereotypical tropes usually thought of as causing the sexlessness, they think that won't happen to their marriages. But, biology is biology, so it happens anyway, and they're surprised.

YES. I'm sexually bored with my husband even though the sex can be good. I just am not interested. Want a new partner.

This is the truth. My husband is good in bed and knows how to get me off, but I crave new and exciting. It monogamy that's the problem

I am surprised by these three posters. I have a hard time believing they are really women. I have never heard a girlfriend say anything like this. Ever. Some of my friends say that they love their husbands but aren't really that interested in sex anymore, but I have never heard them say they don't want to have sex with their husband but crave sex with other men.

Yeah. None of my friends have expressed that interest verbally either. Frankly, it sounds very slutty. I am not friends with whores though. Nobody condones affairs or cheating.

It’s not something most people would share out loud.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think maybe some of the surprise comes from the way it's portrayed versus the reality of how it comes to pass.

Most of the reason for the decline in sex is that people get bored, and women get bored more quickly than men for mostly biological reasons. Nobody's fault.

The way it gets portrayed blames it on women being asexual generally, causing women to say "hey! We like sex!" and on men becoming out of shape, thoughtless dopes. Guys say "hey! I'm still in pretty good shape and I pull my weight at home."

Since the individuals don't fall into the stereotypical tropes usually thought of as causing the sexlessness, they think that won't happen to their marriages. But, biology is biology, so it happens anyway, and they're surprised.

This, but also -- it's variable! I think people freak out about the drop off in sex when kids enter the picture. But it's not the end. Things change a lot when kids are old enough to be a little independent, when they can go do sleep overs or attend birthday parties on their own. And then again when they get to high school and are out of the house even more. It's constantly evolving.

There is a period of time when parents are maximally exhausted and have very little time to themselves, plus women go through a lot of physical and hormonal changes around childbirth that can impact their libidos. it's all normal. But if partners are committed and willing to try (and keep talking to each other about it), it will come back, and can even come back in surprising and exciting ways that satisfy the desire for novelty.

So often when people talk about unhappiness in marriage, I think they are getting stuck in short-term thinking. Of course your short-term happiness matters. But people will CAUSE short-term unhappiness by assuming that everything that is happening right now is a permanent circumstance. They look at money constraints and decide they will never resolve. They look at stress or family dynamics when a new baby comes and think their connection to their partner is forever deteriorated. And so on.

The only thing permanent about marriage is the marriage itself (if you let it be). Trust in the commitment and make everything else negotiable, changeable. Experiment. As long as you make those choices together and keep lines of communication open, the specifics are actually a lot less important than you think.

In retrospect, I was too understanding about the drop off in sex when the kids were little. I didn't push the issue because I thought it was just a phase. It wasn't until about 8 years later, when our youngest was in school full time, that it became clear that our sex life wasn't going to bounce back. I tried making it priority then, but it was too late. Our sex life is never coming back.

[Anonymous]

I'm so glad that we scheduled at least once a week even thru very hard times.

I (wife) do not have super high drive but I feel that sex is the glue that keeps marriages together. If you let it go everything else becomes harder.

Life isn't easy but we've always been happy together and I credit my commitment to this in large part. After a few months of pushing thru i would find myself in the mood and enjoying it to my own surprise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think maybe some of the surprise comes from the way it's portrayed versus the reality of how it comes to pass.

Most of the reason for the decline in sex is that people get bored, and women get bored more quickly than men for mostly biological reasons. Nobody's fault.

The way it gets portrayed blames it on women being asexual generally, causing women to say "hey! We like sex!" and on men becoming out of shape, thoughtless dopes. Guys say "hey! I'm still in pretty good shape and I pull my weight at home."

Since the individuals don't fall into the stereotypical tropes usually thought of as causing the sexlessness, they think that won't happen to their marriages. But, biology is biology, so it happens anyway, and they're surprised.

This, but also -- it's variable! I think people freak out about the drop off in sex when kids enter the picture. But it's not the end. Things change a lot when kids are old enough to be a little independent, when they can go do sleep overs or attend birthday parties on their own. And then again when they get to high school and are out of the house even more. It's constantly evolving.

There is a period of time when parents are maximally exhausted and have very little time to themselves, plus women go through a lot of physical and hormonal changes around childbirth that can impact their libidos. it's all normal. But if partners are committed and willing to try (and keep talking to each other about it), it will come back, and can even come back in surprising and exciting ways that satisfy the desire for novelty.

So often when people talk about unhappiness in marriage, I think they are getting stuck in short-term thinking. Of course your short-term happiness matters. But people will CAUSE short-term unhappiness by assuming that everything that is happening right now is a permanent circumstance. They look at money constraints and decide they will never resolve. They look at stress or family dynamics when a new baby comes and think their connection to their partner is forever deteriorated. And so on.

The only thing permanent about marriage is the marriage itself (if you let it be). Trust in the commitment and make everything else negotiable, changeable. Experiment. As long as you make those choices together and keep lines of communication open, the specifics are actually a lot less important than you think.

In retrospect, I was too understanding about the drop off in sex when the kids were little. I didn't push the issue because I thought it was just a phase. It wasn't until about 8 years later, when our youngest was in school full time, that it became clear that our sex life wasn't going to bounce back. I tried making it priority then, but it was too late. Our sex life is never coming back.

Did you talk to your spouse about it, when the drop off happened? Did you talk about it as it continued? Did you talk about it when your youngest was in school full time?

Sex really dropped off for us after our first was born. But we talked about it. We talked about why it was happening (some of it was libido, some of it was just exhaustion and time). And we kept checking in. One thing that became really important was maintaining physical intimacy even when we weren't having sex for whatever reason -- cuddling, kissing, holding hands, etc. That way, when libidos shifted back into high gear, we didn't have to start from scratch.

I don't think kids kill of sex lives. I think the inability to talk about lack of sex (or anything going on in your marriage that is making one or both partners unhappy) is what does it. That's what it means to "grow apart."

[Anonymous]

In retrospect, I was too understanding about the drop off in sex when the kids were little. I didn't push the issue because I thought it was just a phase. It wasn't until about 8 years later, when our youngest was in school full time, that it became clear that our sex life wasn't going to bounce back. I tried making it priority then, but it was too late. Our sex life is never coming back.

This is us. Exactly.

If I could change anything, I would have re-raised this issue. We did discuss it, but it was always a stalemate. So we let it slide, from 1x a week, to 2x a month. Now it's been 4x in last year. And it's just awkward. We are like platonic roommates who have grown apart. I can see the logic of affairs, or eventually divorce.

My strong advice to younger couples who don't want to be like us: just do it. Carve out 30 minutes a week. It will NOT magically come back unless you make it a priority, even when you don't want it to be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think maybe some of the surprise comes from the way it's portrayed versus the reality of how it comes to pass.

Most of the reason for the decline in sex is that people get bored, and women get bored more quickly than men for mostly biological reasons. Nobody's fault.

The way it gets portrayed blames it on women being asexual generally, causing women to say "hey! We like sex!" and on men becoming out of shape, thoughtless dopes. Guys say "hey! I'm still in pretty good shape and I pull my weight at home."

Since the individuals don't fall into the stereotypical tropes usually thought of as causing the sexlessness, they think that won't happen to their marriages. But, biology is biology, so it happens anyway, and they're surprised.

YES. I'm sexually bored with my husband even though the sex can be good. I just am not interested. Want a new partner.

This is the truth. My husband is good in bed and knows how to get me off, but I crave new and exciting. It monogamy that's the problem

I am surprised by these three posters. I have a hard time believing they are really women. I have never heard a girlfriend say anything like this. Ever. Some of my friends say that they love their husbands but aren't really that interested in sex anymore, but I have never heard them say they don't want to have sex with their husband but crave sex with other men.

Yeah. None of my friends have expressed that interest verbally either. Frankly, it sounds very slutty. I am not friends with whores though. Nobody condones affairs or cheating.

Your friends just wont admit it. My DH is the ne who killed our bedroom. Even if he didnt I woudl still be bored. Every single divorced woman I know wasn't have much sex at with spouse and after separation, their drive sky rocketed. Women do get bored faster than men. Men like convenience.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think maybe some of the surprise comes from the way it's portrayed versus the reality of how it comes to pass.

Most of the reason for the decline in sex is that people get bored, and women get bored more quickly than men for mostly biological reasons. Nobody's fault.

The way it gets portrayed blames it on women being asexual generally, causing women to say "hey! We like sex!" and on men becoming out of shape, thoughtless dopes. Guys say "hey! I'm still in pretty good shape and I pull my weight at home."

Since the individuals don't fall into the stereotypical tropes usually thought of as causing the sexlessness, they think that won't happen to their marriages. But, biology is biology, so it happens anyway, and they're surprised.

YES. I'm sexually bored with my husband even though the sex can be good. I just am not interested. Want a new partner.

This is the truth. My husband is good in bed and knows how to get me off, but I crave new and exciting. It monogamy that's the problem

I am surprised by these three posters. I have a hard time believing they are really women. I have never heard a girlfriend say anything like this. Ever. Some of my friends say that they love their husbands but aren't really that interested in sex anymore, but I have never heard them say they don't want to have sex with their husband but crave sex with other men.

Yeah. None of my friends have expressed that interest verbally either. Frankly, it sounds very slutty. I am not friends with whores though. Nobody condones affairs or cheating.

I have never cheated but I also don't have any friends who would slut-shame or call other women whores.

Several of my female friends have admitted to being VERY tempted by another man. None have indicated they want zero sex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think maybe some of the surprise comes from the way it's portrayed versus the reality of how it comes to pass.

Most of the reason for the decline in sex is that people get bored, and women get bored more quickly than men for mostly biological reasons. Nobody's fault.

The way it gets portrayed blames it on women being asexual generally, causing women to say "hey! We like sex!" and on men becoming out of shape, thoughtless dopes. Guys say "hey! I'm still in pretty good shape and I pull my weight at home."

Since the individuals don't fall into the stereotypical tropes usually thought of as causing the sexlessness, they think that won't happen to their marriages. But, biology is biology, so it happens anyway, and they're surprised.

YES. I'm sexually bored with my husband even though the sex can be good. I just am not interested. Want a new partner.

This is the truth. My husband is good in bed and knows how to get me off, but I crave new and exciting. It monogamy that's the problem

I am surprised by these three posters. I have a hard time believing they are really women. I have never heard a girlfriend say anything like this. Ever. Some of my friends say that they love their husbands but aren't really that interested in sex anymore, but I have never heard them say they don't want to have sex with their husband but crave sex with other men.

Yeah. None of my friends have expressed that interest verbally either. Frankly, it sounds very slutty. I am not friends with whores though. Nobody condones affairs or cheating.

Your friends just wont admit it. My DH is the ne who killed our bedroom. Even if he didnt I woudl still be bored. Every single divorced woman I know wasn't have much sex at with spouse and after separation, their drive sky rocketed. Women do get bored faster than men. Men like convenience.

Plus one. It's rarely personal. Men take their wife's loss of drive so personally. It's just boredom. Happens to most women although some are better at faking it. Lesbians don't have to pretend which is why they are happily sexless after a decade or more

[Anonymous]

YES. I'm sexually bored with my husband even though the sex can be good. I just am not interested. Want a new partner.

This is the truth. My husband is good in bed and knows how to get me off, but I crave new and exciting. It monogamy that's the problem

I am surprised by these three posters. I have a hard time believing they are really women. I have never heard a girlfriend say anything like this. Ever. Some of my friends say that they love their husbands but aren't really that interested in sex anymore, but I have never heard them say they don't want to have sex with their husband but crave sex with other men.

Yeah. None of my friends have expressed that interest verbally either. Frankly, it sounds very slutty. I am not friends with whores though. Nobody condones affairs or cheating.

Your friends just wont admit it. My DH is the ne who killed our bedroom. Even if he didnt I woudl still be bored. Every single divorced woman I know wasn't have much sex at with spouse and after separation, their drive sky rocketed. Women do get bored faster than men. Men like convenience.

1+. And also "huh??" to the previous PP. The waning of women's partner-specific sexual desire in long-term monogamous relationships has been like the most studied phenomena in the last decades wrt behavioral science. No desire for partner, but no loss in libido overall: basically a cliche. That doesn't mean the woman would have an affair, or even seriously want one, but again, hardly a new idea!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think maybe some of the surprise comes from the way it's portrayed versus the reality of how it comes to pass.

Most of the reason for the decline in sex is that people get bored, and women get bored more quickly than men for mostly biological reasons. Nobody's fault.

The way it gets portrayed blames it on women being asexual generally, causing women to say "hey! We like sex!" and on men becoming out of shape, thoughtless dopes. Guys say "hey! I'm still in pretty good shape and I pull my weight at home."

Since the individuals don't fall into the stereotypical tropes usually thought of as causing the sexlessness, they think that won't happen to their marriages. But, biology is biology, so it happens anyway, and they're surprised.

YES. I'm sexually bored with my husband even though the sex can be good. I just am not interested. Want a new partner.

This is the truth. My husband is good in bed and knows how to get me off, but I crave new and exciting. It monogamy that's the problem

I am surprised by these three posters. I have a hard time believing they are really women. I have never heard a girlfriend say anything like this. Ever. Some of my friends say that they love their husbands but aren't really that interested in sex anymore, but I have never heard them say they don't want to have sex with their husband but crave sex with other men.

Yeah. None of my friends have expressed that interest verbally either. Frankly, it sounds very slutty. I am not friends with whores though. Nobody condones affairs or cheating.

Your friends just wont admit it. My DH is the ne who killed our bedroom. Even if he didnt I woudl still be bored. Every single divorced woman I know wasn't have much sex at with spouse and after separation, their drive sky rocketed. Women do get bored faster than men. Men like convenience.

Plus one. It's rarely personal. Men take their wife's loss of drive so personally. It's just boredom. Happens to most women although some are better at faking it. Lesbians don't have to pretend which is why they are happily sexless after a decade or more

I'm one of the posters you didn't believe. I have most definitely a woman. I would not tell my husband (or boyfriend) that I was sexually bored by them -- really, what would that accomplish? It takes a while, you know, years in fact, before most women get bored with sex with their spouses. Why is it considered "normal" that a man might crave some strange, but a woman can't? Because we get called sluts or whores for even THINKING it. Nobody here is condoning an affair or cheating. What woman said that? I didn't, nor did the others. It was the person who said that the thoughts and feelings we were expressing was "slutty" and that she wasn't friends with "whores." Of course I wouldn't share that thought - that I'd like sex with a new person - with somebody who is going to judge me. And that is why you've never heard it.

Women like sex. Women LOVE sex. Like men, we are biologically wired to want a new partner every once in a while. I'd say after about 2 years with the same guy. So, enough time to have a baby and wean him/her. Then ... new partner. But this isn't practical in today's society with joint assets, and stability for children, and houses, and pets, etc. And men who like to think that women want them and only them.

Just because I said I was bored with my husband, and would like a new partner doesn't mean I'm a slut. It doesn't mean I'm a whore. It doesn't mean I'm cheating. It doesn't mean I want to cheat.

[Anonymous]

^speak for yourself I’m 24 years married and my husband is still the only man I want to have sex with. I have zero desire to f@ck a different man. We have great sex multiple times per week. Do I find other men attractive? Yes. Not many IRL. My husband is way hotter and muscular than any of the other husbands so there’s that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^speak for yourself I’m 24 years married and my husband is still the only man I want to have sex with. I have zero desire to f@ck a different man. We have great sex multiple times per week. Do I find other men attractive? Yes. Not many IRL. My husband is way hotter and muscular than any of the other husbands so there’s that.

Cool.