Reply to s/o: sexless marriages, did you know this happens often?

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Reply to "s/o: sexless marriages, did you know this happens often?"

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I think maybe some of the surprise comes from the way it's portrayed versus the reality of how it comes to pass.

Most of the reason for the decline in sex is that people get bored, and women get bored more quickly than men for mostly biological reasons. Nobody's fault.

The way it gets portrayed blames it on women being asexual generally, causing women to say "hey! We like sex!" and on men becoming out of shape, thoughtless dopes. Guys say "hey! I'm still in pretty good shape and I pull my weight at home."

Since the individuals don't fall into the stereotypical tropes usually thought of as causing the sexlessness, they think that won't happen to their marriages. But, biology is biology, so it happens anyway, and they're surprised. [/quote]

This, but also -- it's variable! I think people freak out about the drop off in sex when kids enter the picture. But it's not the end. Things change a lot when kids are old enough to be a little independent, when they can go do sleep overs or attend birthday parties on their own. And then again when they get to high school and are out of the house even more. It's constantly evolving.

There is a period of time when parents are maximally exhausted and have very little time to themselves, plus women go through a lot of physical and hormonal changes around childbirth that can impact their libidos. it's all normal. But if partners are committed and willing to try (and keep talking to each other about it), it will come back, and can even come back in surprising and exciting ways that satisfy the desire for novelty.

So often when people talk about unhappiness in marriage, I think they are getting stuck in short-term thinking. Of course your short-term happiness matters. But people will CAUSE short-term unhappiness by assuming that everything that is happening right now is a permanent circumstance. They look at money constraints and decide they will never resolve. They look at stress or family dynamics when a new baby comes and think their connection to their partner is forever deteriorated. And so on.

The only thing permanent about marriage is the marriage itself (if you let it be). Trust in the commitment and make everything else negotiable, changeable. Experiment. As long as you make those choices together and keep lines of communication open, the specifics are actually a lot less important than you think.[/quote]

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