s/o: sexless marriages, did you know this happens often?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For me, it's the buildup of emotional baggage in a marriage that decreases the desire to have sex. It's not physical. If I were single again, I know I'd love sex with other men. When you are dating and a man does something mean or stupid, you can easily break up with him and start fresh. When you are married with kids, you put up with more (at least I do). I don't think men allow those hurts to build up enough to interfere with sex.

This is usually the case. Emotional baggage and resentment are the killer. Men move on from disagreements more easily. My divorced friends are going at it like rabbits again. From this vantage point, it does seem less messy to just have the affair and get it out of your system. Such a shame the supposed ethical way to have sex again is divorce.

No. The ethical way is to work with your spouse to rekindle. Marriage desire has ebbs and flows. It can come back just as strong. You essentially will be divorced when you go down the affair road...and the divorce will be more contentious due to the cheating and lies.

I know, I know, must put in many, many hours to try and get back to a place where we can have occasional, decent sex. Sounds fun. I would rather take a pottery class.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think maybe some of the surprise comes from the way it's portrayed versus the reality of how it comes to pass.

Most of the reason for the decline in sex is that people get bored, and women get bored more quickly than men for mostly biological reasons. Nobody's fault.

The way it gets portrayed blames it on women being asexual generally, causing women to say "hey! We like sex!" and on men becoming out of shape, thoughtless dopes. Guys say "hey! I'm still in pretty good shape and I pull my weight at home."

Since the individuals don't fall into the stereotypical tropes usually thought of as causing the sexlessness, they think that won't happen to their marriages. But, biology is biology, so it happens anyway, and they're surprised.

YES. I'm sexually bored with my husband even though the sex can be good. I just am not interested. Want a new partner.

This is the truth. My husband is good in bed and knows how to get me off, but I crave new and exciting. It monogamy that's the problem

I am surprised by these three posters. I have a hard time believing they are really women. I have never heard a girlfriend say anything like this. Ever. Some of my friends say that they love their husbands but aren't really that interested in sex anymore, but I have never heard them say they don't want to have sex with their husband but crave sex with other men.

Yeah. None of my friends have expressed that interest verbally either. Frankly, it sounds very slutty. I am not friends with whores though. Nobody condones affairs or cheating.

Shaming women for their sexual desires makes you part of the problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think maybe some of the surprise comes from the way it's portrayed versus the reality of how it comes to pass.

Most of the reason for the decline in sex is that people get bored, and women get bored more quickly than men for mostly biological reasons. Nobody's fault.

The way it gets portrayed blames it on women being asexual generally, causing women to say "hey! We like sex!" and on men becoming out of shape, thoughtless dopes. Guys say "hey! I'm still in pretty good shape and I pull my weight at home."

Since the individuals don't fall into the stereotypical tropes usually thought of as causing the sexlessness, they think that won't happen to their marriages. But, biology is biology, so it happens anyway, and they're surprised.

YES. I'm sexually bored with my husband even though the sex can be good. I just am not interested. Want a new partner.

This is the truth. My husband is good in bed and knows how to get me off, but I crave new and exciting. It monogamy that's the problem

I am surprised by these three posters. I have a hard time believing they are really women. I have never heard a girlfriend say anything like this. Ever. Some of my friends say that they love their husbands but aren't really that interested in sex anymore, but I have never heard them say they don't want to have sex with their husband but crave sex with other men.

Yeah. None of my friends have expressed that interest verbally either. Frankly, it sounds very slutty. I am not friends with whores though. Nobody condones affairs or cheating.

Shaming women for their sexual desires makes you part of the problem.

They are free to have all kinds of desires. It’s f@cking men behind their husbands’ backs that I have a problem with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you asked me at age 22 if I thought people at age 45 still wanted sex I would have said, maybe sometimes? It's not something you really think about.

If you asked me on my wedding day at age 27 that sec would be once a month at age 45 I would have broken off the engagement. I was prepared for sex to wane but not to die off.

Also, back then I thought cheating was a mortal sin, now it seems like a normal thing couples do to cope

Agree. In my 20s I assumed people in their 40s had regular sex. I'm 37 now and still assume that as I still have frequent sex with my DH of 15 yrs. I don't don't assume every couple in their 40s is having sex like it is their honeymoon, but the fit and attractive couples we know, I do assume they are at least having somewhat regular sex. I would be shocked if they weren't.

Now once you are 55+ I think things slow down a lot and I would expect and not be surprised by that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you asked me at age 22 if I thought people at age 45 still wanted sex I would have said, maybe sometimes? It's not something you really think about.

If you asked me on my wedding day at age 27 that sec would be once a month at age 45 I would have broken off the engagement. I was prepared for sex to wane but not to die off.

Also, back then I thought cheating was a mortal sin, now it seems like a normal thing couples do to cope

Agree. In my 20s I assumed people in their 40s had regular sex. I'm 37 now and still assume that as I still have frequent sex with my DH of 15 yrs. I don't don't assume every couple in their 40s is having sex like it is their honeymoon, but the fit and attractive couples we know, I do assume they are at least having somewhat regular sex. I would be shocked if they weren't.

Now once you are 55+ I think things slow down a lot and I would expect and not be surprised by that.

I’m 50. We are both very fit and attractive and still having lots of regular sex. Still find each other highly desirable.

[Anonymous]

We are in our 60’s and we still have weekly sex and sometimes more. We have always had a great relationship and we’ve never tired of each other. We love being together but we also are both very independent. Sex has always been an important part of our relationship and since we are both healthy and in decent shape there is no reason for it not to keep going. I’d be very disappointed if my husband stopped wanting to have sex with me for relationship reasons because the connection has always been strong. Even after all these years with sex with just one man I don’t find it boring because I love to be loved and he is very good at it and I’m pretty sure he feels the same way about me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For me, it's the buildup of emotional baggage in a marriage that decreases the desire to have sex. It's not physical. If I were single again, I know I'd love sex with other men. When you are dating and a man does something mean or stupid, you can easily break up with him and start fresh. When you are married with kids, you put up with more (at least I do). I don't think men allow those hurts to build up enough to interfere with sex.

This is usually the case. Emotional baggage and resentment are the killer. Men move on from disagreements more easily. My divorced friends are going at it like rabbits again. From this vantage point, it does seem less messy to just have the affair and get it out of your system. Such a shame the supposed ethical way to have sex again is divorce.

No. The ethical way is to work with your spouse to rekindle. Marriage desire has ebbs and flows. It can come back just as strong. You essentially will be divorced when you go down the affair road...and the divorce will be more contentious due to the cheating and lies.

Your "ethical way" requires a wife's willingness to let go of some emotional baggage. If she can't or won't, a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do.
In case of sexless marriage, the concept of "potential divorce if affair gets discovered" is completely irrelevant. Because, given the fact that men cannot go celibate, sexless marriage EQUALS divorce. So there is no "risk" of divorce, zero downside of an affair, only upside because the sexless marriage has been saved from certain divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For me, it's the buildup of emotional baggage in a marriage that decreases the desire to have sex. It's not physical. If I were single again, I know I'd love sex with other men. When you are dating and a man does something mean or stupid, you can easily break up with him and start fresh. When you are married with kids, you put up with more (at least I do). I don't think men allow those hurts to build up enough to interfere with sex.

This is usually the case. Emotional baggage and resentment are the killer. Men move on from disagreements more easily. My divorced friends are going at it like rabbits again. From this vantage point, it does seem less messy to just have the affair and get it out of your system. Such a shame the supposed ethical way to have sex again is divorce.

No. The ethical way is to work with your spouse to rekindle. Marriage desire has ebbs and flows. It can come back just as strong. You essentially will be divorced when you go down the affair road...and the divorce will be more contentious due to the cheating and lies.

Your "ethical way" requires a wife's willingness to let go of some emotional baggage. If she can't or won't, a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do.
In case of sexless marriage, the concept of "potential divorce if affair gets discovered" is completely irrelevant. Because, given the fact that men cannot go celibate, sexless marriage EQUALS divorce. So there is no "risk" of divorce, zero downside of an affair, only upside because the sexless marriage has been saved from certain divorce.

this is untrue.

Plenty of men go without sex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For me, it's the buildup of emotional baggage in a marriage that decreases the desire to have sex. It's not physical. If I were single again, I know I'd love sex with other men. When you are dating and a man does something mean or stupid, you can easily break up with him and start fresh. When you are married with kids, you put up with more (at least I do). I don't think men allow those hurts to build up enough to interfere with sex.

This is usually the case. Emotional baggage and resentment are the killer. Men move on from disagreements more easily. My divorced friends are going at it like rabbits again. From this vantage point, it does seem less messy to just have the affair and get it out of your system. Such a shame the supposed ethical way to have sex again is divorce.

No. The ethical way is to work with your spouse to rekindle. Marriage desire has ebbs and flows. It can come back just as strong. You essentially will be divorced when you go down the affair road...and the divorce will be more contentious due to the cheating and lies.

Your "ethical way" requires a wife's willingness to let go of some emotional baggage. If she can't or won't, a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do.
In case of sexless marriage, the concept of "potential divorce if affair gets discovered" is completely irrelevant. Because, given the fact that men cannot go celibate, sexless marriage EQUALS divorce. So there is no "risk" of divorce, zero downside of an affair, only upside because the sexless marriage has been saved from certain divorce.

this is untrue.

Plenty of men go without sex.

I agree.
The poster above you is nuts. I wonder what his position is on rape or pedophilia. What if you are only attracted to prepubescent children? Is it possible to go without sex? What if you can’t find a person who wants to have sex with you? Is it possible to go without sex?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For me, it's the buildup of emotional baggage in a marriage that decreases the desire to have sex. It's not physical. If I were single again, I know I'd love sex with other men. When you are dating and a man does something mean or stupid, you can easily break up with him and start fresh. When you are married with kids, you put up with more (at least I do). I don't think men allow those hurts to build up enough to interfere with sex.

This is usually the case. Emotional baggage and resentment are the killer. Men move on from disagreements more easily. My divorced friends are going at it like rabbits again. From this vantage point, it does seem less messy to just have the affair and get it out of your system. Such a shame the supposed ethical way to have sex again is divorce.

No. The ethical way is to work with your spouse to rekindle. Marriage desire has ebbs and flows. It can come back just as strong. You essentially will be divorced when you go down the affair road...and the divorce will be more contentious due to the cheating and lies.

Your "ethical way" requires a wife's willingness to let go of some emotional baggage. If she can't or won't, a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do.
In case of sexless marriage, the concept of "potential divorce if affair gets discovered" is completely irrelevant. Because, given the fact that men cannot go celibate, sexless marriage EQUALS divorce. So there is no "risk" of divorce, zero downside of an affair, only upside because the sexless marriage has been saved from certain divorce.

this is untrue.

Plenty of men go without sex.

I agree.
The poster above you is nuts. I wonder what his position is on rape or pedophilia. What if you are only attracted to prepubescent children? Is it possible to go without sex? What if you can’t find a person who wants to have sex with you? Is it possible to go without sex?

Rape and pedophilia are crimes that should be punished to the maximum allowed by law.

Is this thread really about criminals? Or contrived theoretical situations, such as what might be possible under ideal controlled laboratory conditions?
Ok sure, men can "go without sex" ... in the same way that "women can go barefoot".
Meanwhile, back in the real world, I have yet to encounter a woman with fewer than 3 or 4 pairs of shoes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For me, it's the buildup of emotional baggage in a marriage that decreases the desire to have sex. It's not physical. If I were single again, I know I'd love sex with other men. When you are dating and a man does something mean or stupid, you can easily break up with him and start fresh. When you are married with kids, you put up with more (at least I do). I don't think men allow those hurts to build up enough to interfere with sex.

This is usually the case. Emotional baggage and resentment are the killer. Men move on from disagreements more easily. My divorced friends are going at it like rabbits again. From this vantage point, it does seem less messy to just have the affair and get it out of your system. Such a shame the supposed ethical way to have sex again is divorce.

No. The ethical way is to work with your spouse to rekindle. Marriage desire has ebbs and flows. It can come back just as strong. You essentially will be divorced when you go down the affair road...and the divorce will be more contentious due to the cheating and lies.

Your "ethical way" requires a wife's willingness to let go of some emotional baggage. If she can't or won't, a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do.
In case of sexless marriage, the concept of "potential divorce if affair gets discovered" is completely irrelevant. Because, given the fact that men cannot go celibate, sexless marriage EQUALS divorce. So there is no "risk" of divorce, zero downside of an affair, only upside because the sexless marriage has been saved from certain divorce.

this is untrue.

Plenty of men go without sex.

I agree.
The poster above you is nuts. I wonder what his position is on rape or pedophilia. What if you are only attracted to prepubescent children? Is it possible to go without sex? What if you can’t find a person who wants to have sex with you? Is it possible to go without sex?

Rape and pedophilia are crimes that should be punished to the maximum allowed by law.

Is this thread really about criminals? Or contrived theoretical situations, such as what might be possible under ideal controlled laboratory conditions?
Ok sure, men can "go without sex" ... in the same way that "women can go barefoot".
Meanwhile, back in the real world, I have yet to encounter a woman with fewer than 3 or 4 pairs of shoes.

You can actually be charged for infecting someone with an STD in some states. If you were married and contracted an STD from a cheating spouse---she could charge you for harming her health and giving her an STD when she thought she was in a monogamous marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For me, it's the buildup of emotional baggage in a marriage that decreases the desire to have sex. It's not physical. If I were single again, I know I'd love sex with other men. When you are dating and a man does something mean or stupid, you can easily break up with him and start fresh. When you are married with kids, you put up with more (at least I do). I don't think men allow those hurts to build up enough to interfere with sex.

This is usually the case. Emotional baggage and resentment are the killer. Men move on from disagreements more easily. My divorced friends are going at it like rabbits again. From this vantage point, it does seem less messy to just have the affair and get it out of your system. Such a shame the supposed ethical way to have sex again is divorce.

No. The ethical way is to work with your spouse to rekindle. Marriage desire has ebbs and flows. It can come back just as strong. You essentially will be divorced when you go down the affair road...and the divorce will be more contentious due to the cheating and lies.

Your "ethical way" requires a wife's willingness to let go of some emotional baggage. If she can't or won't, a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do.
In case of sexless marriage, the concept of "potential divorce if affair gets discovered" is completely irrelevant. Because, given the fact that men cannot go celibate, sexless marriage EQUALS divorce. So there is no "risk" of divorce, zero downside of an affair, only upside because the sexless marriage has been saved from certain divorce.

this is untrue.

Plenty of men go without sex.

I agree.
The poster above you is nuts. I wonder what his position is on rape or pedophilia. What if you are only attracted to prepubescent children? Is it possible to go without sex? What if you can’t find a person who wants to have sex with you? Is it possible to go without sex?

Rape and pedophilia are crimes that should be punished to the maximum allowed by law.

Is this thread really about criminals? Or contrived theoretical situations, such as what might be possible under ideal controlled laboratory conditions?
Ok sure, men can "go without sex" ... in the same way that "women can go barefoot".
Meanwhile, back in the real world, I have yet to encounter a woman with fewer than 3 or 4 pairs of shoes.

You can actually be charged for infecting someone with an STD in some states. If you were married and contracted an STD from a cheating spouse---she could charge you for harming her health and giving her an STD when she thought she was in a monogamous marriage.

First of all, a sexless wife has no reason to think she's in a monogamous marriage
Second of all, that crime of infecting with STD which you speak about includes things like "knowingly and willfully" so yea again thanks for bringing up some crazy straw man criminal-who-deserves-punishment scenario!

[Anonymous]

I don't know what world sexless man is living in ....but if you don't want to have sex in your marriage or you want something on the outside because something is missing on the inside it is a MORAL obligation to announce that to your partner before you risk transmitting disease and security risks to your family (lots of crazy ppl out there and exposure harms kids).

You don't sneak off like a rat and lie. You man up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For me, it's the buildup of emotional baggage in a marriage that decreases the desire to have sex. It's not physical. If I were single again, I know I'd love sex with other men. When you are dating and a man does something mean or stupid, you can easily break up with him and start fresh. When you are married with kids, you put up with more (at least I do). I don't think men allow those hurts to build up enough to interfere with sex.

This is usually the case. Emotional baggage and resentment are the killer. Men move on from disagreements more easily. My divorced friends are going at it like rabbits again. From this vantage point, it does seem less messy to just have the affair and get it out of your system. Such a shame the supposed ethical way to have sex again is divorce.

No. The ethical way is to work with your spouse to rekindle. Marriage desire has ebbs and flows. It can come back just as strong. You essentially will be divorced when you go down the affair road...and the divorce will be more contentious due to the cheating and lies.

Your "ethical way" requires a wife's willingness to let go of some emotional baggage. If she can't or won't, a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do.
In case of sexless marriage, the concept of "potential divorce if affair gets discovered" is completely irrelevant. Because, given the fact that men cannot go celibate, sexless marriage EQUALS divorce. So there is no "risk" of divorce, zero downside of an affair, only upside because the sexless marriage has been saved from certain divorce.

this is untrue.

Plenty of men go without sex.

I agree.
The poster above you is nuts. I wonder what his position is on rape or pedophilia. What if you are only attracted to prepubescent children? Is it possible to go without sex? What if you can’t find a person who wants to have sex with you? Is it possible to go without sex?

Rape and pedophilia are crimes that should be punished to the maximum allowed by law.

Is this thread really about criminals? Or contrived theoretical situations, such as what might be possible under ideal controlled laboratory conditions?
Ok sure, men can "go without sex" ... in the same way that "women can go barefoot".
Meanwhile, back in the real world, I have yet to encounter a woman with fewer than 3 or 4 pairs of shoes.

You can actually be charged for infecting someone with an STD in some states. If you were married and contracted an STD from a cheating spouse---she could charge you for harming her health and giving her an STD when she thought she was in a monogamous marriage.

First of all, a sexless wife has no reason to think she's in a monogamous marriage
Second of all, that crime of infecting with STD which you speak about includes things like "knowingly and willfully" so yea again thanks for bringing up some crazy straw man criminal-who-deserves-punishment scenario!

It may not be criminal. But it is immoral and you're a pig. Not for wanting sex. But for being a sneaking, conniving Shit, getting sex somewhere else while still enjoying the benefits of being married (economic, familial, etc.) You're really going to have an affair, then come home to dinner, play with your kids, and maybe your wife doing your laundry for you (or some version of that)? Still enjoy the child care she provides half of (or more, let's be honest)? Still enjoy the double income, if she works? No, you want it both ways.

I don't begrudge you the feelings of not liking the sexless marriage. I begrudge you your way of dealing with it. If you're such a man, and that's debatable based on your posts, you would man up and either work out out and, if it can't, leave straight up.

I also begrudge you the "no man can live without sex" trope. Plenty of non-criminals do for a variety of reasons. Men aren't some sort of mindless beasts that can't control impulses, can't live with disappointment, can't live without sex . . . so just stop. Stop justifying your shitty behavior. And before you start pointing the finger at the sex-withholding wife's shitty behavior, I may agree. But, we are talking about YOU and your post. And your . . . . just overall shittiness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We are in our 60’s and we still have weekly sex and sometimes more. We have always had a great relationship and we’ve never tired of each other. We love being together but we also are both very independent. Sex has always been an important part of our relationship and since we are both healthy and in decent shape there is no reason for it not to keep going. I’d be very disappointed if my husband stopped wanting to have sex with me for relationship reasons because the connection has always been strong. Even after all these years with sex with just one man I don’t find it boring because I love to be loved and he is very good at it and I’m pretty sure he feels the same way about me.

Surely you can understand that many couples in their 60s aren’t having frequent sex and you would be ok with that should it be you. A heart attack, cancers, general decline of health, ED..that is all coming your way soon.