s/o: sexless marriages, did you know this happens often?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think maybe some of the surprise comes from the way it's portrayed versus the reality of how it comes to pass.

Most of the reason for the decline in sex is that people get bored, and women get bored more quickly than men for mostly biological reasons. Nobody's fault.

The way it gets portrayed blames it on women being asexual generally, causing women to say "hey! We like sex!" and on men becoming out of shape, thoughtless dopes. Guys say "hey! I'm still in pretty good shape and I pull my weight at home."

Since the individuals don't fall into the stereotypical tropes usually thought of as causing the sexlessness, they think that won't happen to their marriages. But, biology is biology, so it happens anyway, and they're surprised.

This, but also -- it's variable! I think people freak out about the drop off in sex when kids enter the picture. But it's not the end. Things change a lot when kids are old enough to be a little independent, when they can go do sleep overs or attend birthday parties on their own. And then again when they get to high school and are out of the house even more. It's constantly evolving.

There is a period of time when parents are maximally exhausted and have very little time to themselves, plus women go through a lot of physical and hormonal changes around childbirth that can impact their libidos. it's all normal. But if partners are committed and willing to try (and keep talking to each other about it), it will come back, and can even come back in surprising and exciting ways that satisfy the desire for novelty.

So often when people talk about unhappiness in marriage, I think they are getting stuck in short-term thinking. Of course your short-term happiness matters. But people will CAUSE short-term unhappiness by assuming that everything that is happening right now is a permanent circumstance. They look at money constraints and decide they will never resolve. They look at stress or family dynamics when a new baby comes and think their connection to their partner is forever deteriorated. And so on.

The only thing permanent about marriage is the marriage itself (if you let it be). Trust in the commitment and make everything else negotiable, changeable. Experiment. As long as you make those choices together and keep lines of communication open, the specifics are actually a lot less important than you think.

In retrospect, I was too understanding about the drop off in sex when the kids were little. I didn't push the issue because I thought it was just a phase. It wasn't until about 8 years later, when our youngest was in school full time, that it became clear that our sex life wasn't going to bounce back. I tried making it priority then, but it was too late. Our sex life is never coming back.

Did you talk to your spouse about it, when the drop off happened? Did you talk about it as it continued? Did you talk about it when your youngest was in school full time?

Sex really dropped off for us after our first was born. But we talked about it. We talked about why it was happening (some of it was libido, some of it was just exhaustion and time). And we kept checking in. One thing that became really important was maintaining physical intimacy even when we weren't having sex for whatever reason -- cuddling, kissing, holding hands, etc. That way, when libidos shifted back into high gear, we didn't have to start from scratch.

I don't think kids kill of sex lives. I think the inability to talk about lack of sex (or anything going on in your marriage that is making one or both partners unhappy) is what does it. That's what it means to "grow apart."

No, not really, and yes.

1. When the drop off happened was pregnancy and child birth. I didn't talk about it then, because there was nothing to talk about. It's perfectly normal for sex to go in the tank.

2. During the toddler years, I said stuff like "we should do this more often" when we eventually did get around to sex. But I didn't directly say that I thought it was a problem because toddlers are tough, and I'd heard that sex bounces back when the kids got to school.

3. When our sex life didn't bounce back, I talked to her about it, and I ended up getting a vasectomy and she went off birth control. That didn't change anything. We talked about it again, she said she wanted to want sex, but she just didn't. We talked about it again, and she got super upset and told me that she had horrible body image issues and all she could think about when we had sex was how repulsive she thought she was. No amount of reassurance on my part can make a dent in that. Bringing it up makes her very sad and makes our sex life even worse.

So, that's that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We are in our 60’s and we still have weekly sex and sometimes more. We have always had a great relationship and we’ve never tired of each other. We love being together but we also are both very independent. Sex has always been an important part of our relationship and since we are both healthy and in decent shape there is no reason for it not to keep going. I’d be very disappointed if my husband stopped wanting to have sex with me for relationship reasons because the connection has always been strong. Even after all these years with sex with just one man I don’t find it boring because I love to be loved and he is very good at it and I’m pretty sure he feels the same way about me.

Surely you can understand that many couples in their 60s aren’t having frequent sex and you would be ok with that should it be you. A heart attack, cancers, general decline of health, ED..that is all coming your way soon.

I do realize that which is why I said we are healthy and that I would be disappointed if my husband stopped having sex with me because of "relationship" issues. Good health is a prerequisite for a good sex life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For me, it's the buildup of emotional baggage in a marriage that decreases the desire to have sex. It's not physical. If I were single again, I know I'd love sex with other men. When you are dating and a man does something mean or stupid, you can easily break up with him and start fresh. When you are married with kids, you put up with more (at least I do). I don't think men allow those hurts to build up enough to interfere with sex.

This is usually the case. Emotional baggage and resentment are the killer. Men move on from disagreements more easily. My divorced friends are going at it like rabbits again. From this vantage point, it does seem less messy to just have the affair and get it out of your system. Such a shame the supposed ethical way to have sex again is divorce.

No. The ethical way is to work with your spouse to rekindle. Marriage desire has ebbs and flows. It can come back just as strong. You essentially will be divorced when you go down the affair road...and the divorce will be more contentious due to the cheating and lies.

Your "ethical way" requires a wife's willingness to let go of some emotional baggage. If she can't or won't, a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do.
In case of sexless marriage, the concept of "potential divorce if affair gets discovered" is completely irrelevant. Because, given the fact that men cannot go celibate, sexless marriage EQUALS divorce. So there is no "risk" of divorce, zero downside of an affair, only upside because the sexless marriage has been saved from certain divorce.

this is untrue.

Plenty of men go without sex.

I agree.
The poster above you is nuts. I wonder what his position is on rape or pedophilia. What if you are only attracted to prepubescent children? Is it possible to go without sex? What if you can’t find a person who wants to have sex with you? Is it possible to go without sex?

Rape and pedophilia are crimes that should be punished to the maximum allowed by law.

Is this thread really about criminals? Or contrived theoretical situations, such as what might be possible under ideal controlled laboratory conditions?
Ok sure, men can "go without sex" ... in the same way that "women can go barefoot".
Meanwhile, back in the real world, I have yet to encounter a woman with fewer than 3 or 4 pairs of shoes.

This thread has become about adultery, which is always immoral and some times and places illegal as well. I would put it in the same category as the above sex crimes.

If wearing shoes was seen as immoral by all major religions and was harmful to families and children, many more people would go barefoot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For me, it's the buildup of emotional baggage in a marriage that decreases the desire to have sex. It's not physical. If I were single again, I know I'd love sex with other men. When you are dating and a man does something mean or stupid, you can easily break up with him and start fresh. When you are married with kids, you put up with more (at least I do). I don't think men allow those hurts to build up enough to interfere with sex.

This is usually the case. Emotional baggage and resentment are the killer. Men move on from disagreements more easily. My divorced friends are going at it like rabbits again. From this vantage point, it does seem less messy to just have the affair and get it out of your system. Such a shame the supposed ethical way to have sex again is divorce.

No. The ethical way is to work with your spouse to rekindle. Marriage desire has ebbs and flows. It can come back just as strong. You essentially will be divorced when you go down the affair road...and the divorce will be more contentious due to the cheating and lies.

Your "ethical way" requires a wife's willingness to let go of some emotional baggage. If she can't or won't, a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do.
In case of sexless marriage, the concept of "potential divorce if affair gets discovered" is completely irrelevant. Because, given the fact that men cannot go celibate, sexless marriage EQUALS divorce. So there is no "risk" of divorce, zero downside of an affair, only upside because the sexless marriage has been saved from certain divorce.

this is untrue.

Plenty of men go without sex.

I agree.
The poster above you is nuts. I wonder what his position is on rape or pedophilia. What if you are only attracted to prepubescent children? Is it possible to go without sex? What if you can’t find a person who wants to have sex with you? Is it possible to go without sex?

Rape and pedophilia are crimes that should be punished to the maximum allowed by law.

Is this thread really about criminals? Or contrived theoretical situations, such as what might be possible under ideal controlled laboratory conditions?
Ok sure, men can "go without sex" ... in the same way that "women can go barefoot".
Meanwhile, back in the real world, I have yet to encounter a woman with fewer than 3 or 4 pairs of shoes.

This thread has become about adultery, which is always immoral and some times and places illegal as well. I would put it in the same category as the above sex crimes.

If wearing shoes was seen as immoral by all major religions and was harmful to families and children, many more people would go barefoot.

And adultery is actually a crime in 21 U.S. states.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For me, it's the buildup of emotional baggage in a marriage that decreases the desire to have sex. It's not physical. If I were single again, I know I'd love sex with other men. When you are dating and a man does something mean or stupid, you can easily break up with him and start fresh. When you are married with kids, you put up with more (at least I do). I don't think men allow those hurts to build up enough to interfere with sex.

This is usually the case. Emotional baggage and resentment are the killer. Men move on from disagreements more easily. My divorced friends are going at it like rabbits again. From this vantage point, it does seem less messy to just have the affair and get it out of your system. Such a shame the supposed ethical way to have sex again is divorce.

No. The ethical way is to work with your spouse to rekindle. Marriage desire has ebbs and flows. It can come back just as strong. You essentially will be divorced when you go down the affair road...and the divorce will be more contentious due to the cheating and lies.

Your "ethical way" requires a wife's willingness to let go of some emotional baggage. If she can't or won't, a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do.
In case of sexless marriage, the concept of "potential divorce if affair gets discovered" is completely irrelevant. Because, given the fact that men cannot go celibate, sexless marriage EQUALS divorce. So there is no "risk" of divorce, zero downside of an affair, only upside because the sexless marriage has been saved from certain divorce.

this is untrue.

Plenty of men go without sex.

I agree.
The poster above you is nuts. I wonder what his position is on rape or pedophilia. What if you are only attracted to prepubescent children? Is it possible to go without sex? What if you can’t find a person who wants to have sex with you? Is it possible to go without sex?

Rape and pedophilia are crimes that should be punished to the maximum allowed by law.

Is this thread really about criminals? Or contrived theoretical situations, such as what might be possible under ideal controlled laboratory conditions?
Ok sure, men can "go without sex" ... in the same way that "women can go barefoot".
Meanwhile, back in the real world, I have yet to encounter a woman with fewer than 3 or 4 pairs of shoes.

This thread has become about adultery, which is always immoral and some times and places illegal as well. I would put it in the same category as the above sex crimes.

If wearing shoes was seen as immoral by all major religions and was harmful to families and children, many more people would go barefoot.

And adultery is actually a crime in 21 U.S. states.

Adultery is a crime in the DMV.

An "extramarital affair" is illegal in the District of Columbia, where adultery is a misdemeanor with a maximum penalty of $500 or 180 days in jail. It's a misdemeanor as well in Virginia, Maryland and more than 20 other states, and a felony in Idaho, Massachusetts, Michigan, Oklahoma and Wisconsin.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think maybe some of the surprise comes from the way it's portrayed versus the reality of how it comes to pass.

Most of the reason for the decline in sex is that people get bored, and women get bored more quickly than men for mostly biological reasons. Nobody's fault.

The way it gets portrayed blames it on women being asexual generally, causing women to say "hey! We like sex!" and on men becoming out of shape, thoughtless dopes. Guys say "hey! I'm still in pretty good shape and I pull my weight at home."

Since the individuals don't fall into the stereotypical tropes usually thought of as causing the sexlessness, they think that won't happen to their marriages. But, biology is biology, so it happens anyway, and they're surprised.

This, but also -- it's variable! I think people freak out about the drop off in sex when kids enter the picture. But it's not the end. Things change a lot when kids are old enough to be a little independent, when they can go do sleep overs or attend birthday parties on their own. And then again when they get to high school and are out of the house even more. It's constantly evolving.

There is a period of time when parents are maximally exhausted and have very little time to themselves, plus women go through a lot of physical and hormonal changes around childbirth that can impact their libidos. it's all normal. But if partners are committed and willing to try (and keep talking to each other about it), it will come back, and can even come back in surprising and exciting ways that satisfy the desire for novelty.

So often when people talk about unhappiness in marriage, I think they are getting stuck in short-term thinking. Of course your short-term happiness matters. But people will CAUSE short-term unhappiness by assuming that everything that is happening right now is a permanent circumstance. They look at money constraints and decide they will never resolve. They look at stress or family dynamics when a new baby comes and think their connection to their partner is forever deteriorated. And so on.

The only thing permanent about marriage is the marriage itself (if you let it be). Trust in the commitment and make everything else negotiable, changeable. Experiment. As long as you make those choices together and keep lines of communication open, the specifics are actually a lot less important than you think.

In retrospect, I was too understanding about the drop off in sex when the kids were little. I didn't push the issue because I thought it was just a phase. It wasn't until about 8 years later, when our youngest was in school full time, that it became clear that our sex life wasn't going to bounce back. I tried making it priority then, but it was too late. Our sex life is never coming back.

Did you talk to your spouse about it, when the drop off happened? Did you talk about it as it continued? Did you talk about it when your youngest was in school full time?

Sex really dropped off for us after our first was born. But we talked about it. We talked about why it was happening (some of it was libido, some of it was just exhaustion and time). And we kept checking in. One thing that became really important was maintaining physical intimacy even when we weren't having sex for whatever reason -- cuddling, kissing, holding hands, etc. That way, when libidos shifted back into high gear, we didn't have to start from scratch.

I don't think kids kill of sex lives. I think the inability to talk about lack of sex (or anything going on in your marriage that is making one or both partners unhappy) is what does it. That's what it means to "grow apart."

No, not really, and yes.

1. When the drop off happened was pregnancy and child birth. I didn't talk about it then, because there was nothing to talk about. It's perfectly normal for sex to go in the tank.

2. During the toddler years, I said stuff like "we should do this more often" when we eventually did get around to sex. But I didn't directly say that I thought it was a problem because toddlers are tough, and I'd heard that sex bounces back when the kids got to school.

3. When our sex life didn't bounce back, I talked to her about it, and I ended up getting a vasectomy and she went off birth control. That didn't change anything. We talked about it again, she said she wanted to want sex, but she just didn't. We talked about it again, and she got super upset and told me that she had horrible body image issues and all she could think about when we had sex was how repulsive she thought she was. No amount of reassurance on my part can make a dent in that. Bringing it up makes her very sad and makes our sex life even worse.

So, that's that.

Wow, your experience was exactly mine, right down to my getting a vasectomy and her going off the pill and that still made no difference. Only difference is my wife is in great shape. Just completely asexual since kids came and we are down to 6x a year, maybe

She's tolde she would understand if I cheat and doesn't want to know. Women know their husbands aren't going to be faithful like this

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For me, it's the buildup of emotional baggage in a marriage that decreases the desire to have sex. It's not physical. If I were single again, I know I'd love sex with other men. When you are dating and a man does something mean or stupid, you can easily break up with him and start fresh. When you are married with kids, you put up with more (at least I do). I don't think men allow those hurts to build up enough to interfere with sex.

This is usually the case. Emotional baggage and resentment are the killer. Men move on from disagreements more easily. My divorced friends are going at it like rabbits again. From this vantage point, it does seem less messy to just have the affair and get it out of your system. Such a shame the supposed ethical way to have sex again is divorce.

No. The ethical way is to work with your spouse to rekindle. Marriage desire has ebbs and flows. It can come back just as strong. You essentially will be divorced when you go down the affair road...and the divorce will be more contentious due to the cheating and lies.

Your "ethical way" requires a wife's willingness to let go of some emotional baggage. If she can't or won't, a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do.
In case of sexless marriage, the concept of "potential divorce if affair gets discovered" is completely irrelevant. Because, given the fact that men cannot go celibate, sexless marriage EQUALS divorce. So there is no "risk" of divorce, zero downside of an affair, only upside because the sexless marriage has been saved from certain divorce.

this is untrue.

Plenty of men go without sex.

I agree.
The poster above you is nuts. I wonder what his position is on rape or pedophilia. What if you are only attracted to prepubescent children? Is it possible to go without sex? What if you can’t find a person who wants to have sex with you? Is it possible to go without sex?

Rape and pedophilia are crimes that should be punished to the maximum allowed by law.

Is this thread really about criminals? Or contrived theoretical situations, such as what might be possible under ideal controlled laboratory conditions?
Ok sure, men can "go without sex" ... in the same way that "women can go barefoot".
Meanwhile, back in the real world, I have yet to encounter a woman with fewer than 3 or 4 pairs of shoes.

This thread has become about adultery, which is always immoral and some times and places illegal as well. I would put it in the same category as the above sex crimes.

If wearing shoes was seen as immoral by all major religions and was harmful to families and children, many more people would go barefoot.

And adultery is actually a crime in 21 U.S. states.

Adultery is a crime in the DMV.

An "extramarital affair" is illegal in the District of Columbia, where adultery is a misdemeanor with a maximum penalty of $500 or 180 days in jail. It's a misdemeanor as well in Virginia, Maryland and more than 20 other states, and a felony in Idaho, Massachusetts, Michigan, Oklahoma and Wisconsin.

Lock him up! Lock him up! Ha! That would be so funny if they enforced this and the whores spent 6 months in a DC jail. Then, they could get exposed to STDs without their consent too.

[Anonymous]

Rape jokes. Classy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Rape jokes. Classy.

Whoring. Classy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I got married a virgin. I think this must be something that happens to women who sleep around. My husband is the only guy I've ever wanted and he still is. More than 10 years married and multiple kids including one with special needs and we've never gone more than a week without except postpartum.

This seems to be the key to a long term happy marriage. Both sides virgins.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I got married a virgin. I think this must be something that happens to women who sleep around. My husband is the only guy I've ever wanted and he still is. More than 10 years married and multiple kids including one with special needs and we've never gone more than a week without except postpartum.

This seems to be the key to a long term happy marriage. Both sides virgins.

I think she just got lucky. Sometimes people do not connect that way. It is a huge risk to wait until after marriage to find out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For me, it's the buildup of emotional baggage in a marriage that decreases the desire to have sex. It's not physical. If I were single again, I know I'd love sex with other men. When you are dating and a man does something mean or stupid, you can easily break up with him and start fresh. When you are married with kids, you put up with more (at least I do). I don't think men allow those hurts to build up enough to interfere with sex.

This is usually the case. Emotional baggage and resentment are the killer. Men move on from disagreements more easily. My divorced friends are going at it like rabbits again. From this vantage point, it does seem less messy to just have the affair and get it out of your system. Such a shame the supposed ethical way to have sex again is divorce.

No. The ethical way is to work with your spouse to rekindle. Marriage desire has ebbs and flows. It can come back just as strong. You essentially will be divorced when you go down the affair road...and the divorce will be more contentious due to the cheating and lies.

Your "ethical way" requires a wife's willingness to let go of some emotional baggage. If she can't or won't, a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do.
In case of sexless marriage, the concept of "potential divorce if affair gets discovered" is completely irrelevant. Because, given the fact that men cannot go celibate, sexless marriage EQUALS divorce. So there is no "risk" of divorce, zero downside of an affair, only upside because the sexless marriage has been saved from certain divorce.

this is untrue.

Plenty of men go without sex.

I agree.
The poster above you is nuts. I wonder what his position is on rape or pedophilia. What if you are only attracted to prepubescent children? Is it possible to go without sex? What if you can’t find a person who wants to have sex with you? Is it possible to go without sex?

Rape and pedophilia are crimes that should be punished to the maximum allowed by law.

Is this thread really about criminals? Or contrived theoretical situations, such as what might be possible under ideal controlled laboratory conditions?
Ok sure, men can "go without sex" ... in the same way that "women can go barefoot".
Meanwhile, back in the real world, I have yet to encounter a woman with fewer than 3 or 4 pairs of shoes.

YOU JUST DID.

I’m barefoot 99% of the time. Indoors, outdoors, on walks, everywhere. The only time I put my one pair of minimalist shoes on is when I go into stores.

I used to own a couple nicer pairs but realized 1. I hated wearing them and 2. I hated going to the places where I was required to wear them.

Interestingly, I’ve always attracted men who would prefer to go without sex. Perhaps it’s my dirty, calloused feet?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I got married a virgin. I think this must be something that happens to women who sleep around. My husband is the only guy I've ever wanted and he still is. More than 10 years married and multiple kids including one with special needs and we've never gone more than a week without except postpartum.

This seems to be the key to a long term happy marriage. Both sides virgins.

I think she just got lucky. Sometimes people do not connect that way. It is a huge risk to wait until after marriage to find out.

Someone else also responded they had the same experience. It makes sense to me personally.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't know what world sexless man is living in ....but if you don't want to have sex in your marriage or you want something on the outside because something is missing on the inside it is a MORAL obligation to announce that to your partner before you risk transmitting disease and security risks to your family (lots of crazy ppl out there and exposure harms kids).

You don't sneak off like a rat and lie. You man up.

^^ in other words, declare the marriage open

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For me, it's the buildup of emotional baggage in a marriage that decreases the desire to have sex. It's not physical. If I were single again, I know I'd love sex with other men. When you are dating and a man does something mean or stupid, you can easily break up with him and start fresh. When you are married with kids, you put up with more (at least I do). I don't think men allow those hurts to build up enough to interfere with sex.

This is usually the case. Emotional baggage and resentment are the killer. Men move on from disagreements more easily. My divorced friends are going at it like rabbits again. From this vantage point, it does seem less messy to just have the affair and get it out of your system. Such a shame the supposed ethical way to have sex again is divorce.

No. The ethical way is to work with your spouse to rekindle. Marriage desire has ebbs and flows. It can come back just as strong. You essentially will be divorced when you go down the affair road...and the divorce will be more contentious due to the cheating and lies.

Your "ethical way" requires a wife's willingness to let go of some emotional baggage. If she can't or won't, a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do.
In case of sexless marriage, the concept of "potential divorce if affair gets discovered" is completely irrelevant. Because, given the fact that men cannot go celibate, sexless marriage EQUALS divorce. So there is no "risk" of divorce, zero downside of an affair, only upside because the sexless marriage has been saved from certain divorce.

this is untrue.

Plenty of men go without sex.

I agree.
The poster above you is nuts. I wonder what his position is on rape or pedophilia. What if you are only attracted to prepubescent children? Is it possible to go without sex? What if you can’t find a person who wants to have sex with you? Is it possible to go without sex?

Rape and pedophilia are crimes that should be punished to the maximum allowed by law.

Is this thread really about criminals? Or contrived theoretical situations, such as what might be possible under ideal controlled laboratory conditions?
Ok sure, men can "go without sex" ... in the same way that "women can go barefoot".
Meanwhile, back in the real world, I have yet to encounter a woman with fewer than 3 or 4 pairs of shoes.

You can actually be charged for infecting someone with an STD in some states. If you were married and contracted an STD from a cheating spouse---she could charge you for harming her health and giving her an STD when she thought she was in a monogamous marriage.

First of all, a sexless wife has no reason to think she's in a monogamous marriage
Second of all, that crime of infecting with STD which you speak about includes things like "knowingly and willfully" so yea again thanks for bringing up some crazy straw man criminal-who-deserves-punishment scenario!

It may not be criminal. But it is immoral and you're a pig. Not for wanting sex. But for being a sneaking, conniving Shit, getting sex somewhere else while still enjoying the benefits of being married (economic, familial, etc.) You're really going to have an affair, then come home to dinner, play with your kids, and maybe your wife doing your laundry for you (or some version of that)? Still enjoy the child care she provides half of (or more, let's be honest)? Still enjoy the double income, if she works? No, you want it both ways.

I don't begrudge you the feelings of not liking the sexless marriage. I begrudge you your way of dealing with it. If you're such a man, and that's debatable based on your posts, you would man up and either work out out and, if it can't, leave straight up.

I also begrudge you the "no man can live without sex" trope. Plenty of non-criminals do for a variety of reasons. Men aren't some sort of mindless beasts that can't control impulses, can't live with disappointment, can't live without sex . . . so just stop. Stop justifying your shitty behavior. And before you start pointing the finger at the sex-withholding wife's shitty behavior, I may agree. But, we are talking about YOU and your post. And your . . . . just overall shittiness.

Was responding to a PP who called it criminal. But I agree with you that secret affairs are dishonorable and that is exactly why I advise to declare the marriage open.

As to "wanting it both ways": start by condemning the sexless wife who wants all the benefits of marriage without that unwanted sex thing, and insist that SHE must either divorce or issue the unrestricted Hall Pass.

As to "no man can live without sex" that is just shorthand for "while it might be theoretically possible that SOME men could live without sex, that degree of herculean feat would require SIGNIFICANTLY more incentive than perceived loyalties to a self chosen platonic room mate wife who has already abdicated from sex in the marriage thereby forfeiting any votes on this topic"

I dispute ever "pointing fingers at a sex-withholding wife" and insist that every person is free to say No to sex at any time. Realize though if you choose to say No often, that is incompatible with a monogamous relationship.