s/o: sexless marriages, did you know this happens often?

[Anonymous]

I got married a virgin. I think this must be something that happens to women who sleep around. My husband is the only guy I've ever wanted and he still is. More than 10 years married and multiple kids including one with special needs and we've never gone more than a week without except postpartum.

[Anonymous]

And my husband is handsome in my eyes. I always think movie stars look selfish. I just think he's the most wonderful man in the world. Totally not objective i know but we are happy.

I think you should stop looking at porn our movies if you find yourself attracted to other guys.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^speak for yourself I’m 24 years married and my husband is still the only man I want to have sex with. I have zero desire to f@ck a different man. We have great sex multiple times per week. Do I find other men attractive? Yes. Not many IRL. My husband is way hotter and muscular than any of the other husbands so there’s that.

+1 we’ve been married 34 years and I feel the same way. He isn’t as hot and muscular as he once was nor am I but we still have a great sex life. I certainly find some other men attractive but 34 years of happiness is priceless.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I think maybe some of the surprise comes from the way it's portrayed versus the reality of how it comes to pass.

Most of the reason for the decline in sex is that people get bored, and women get bored more quickly than men for mostly biological reasons. Nobody's fault.

The way it gets portrayed blames it on women being asexual generally, causing women to say "hey! We like sex!" and on men becoming out of shape, thoughtless dopes. Guys say "hey! I'm still in pretty good shape and I pull my weight at home."

Since the individuals don't fall into the stereotypical tropes usually thought of as causing the sexlessness, they think that won't happen to their marriages. But, biology is biology, so it happens anyway, and they're surprised.

YES. I'm sexually bored with my husband even though the sex can be good. I just am not interested. Want a new partner.

This is the truth. My husband is good in bed and knows how to get me off, but I crave new and exciting. It monogamy that's the problem

I am surprised by these three posters. I have a hard time believing they are really women. I have never heard a girlfriend say anything like this. Ever. Some of my friends say that they love their husbands but aren't really that interested in sex anymore, but I have never heard them say they don't want to have sex with their husband but crave sex with other men.

Yeah. None of my friends have expressed that interest verbally either. Frankly, it sounds very slutty. I am not friends with whores though. Nobody condones affairs or cheating.

Your friends just wont admit it. My DH is the ne who killed our bedroom. Even if he didnt I woudl still be bored. Every single divorced woman I know wasn't have much sex at with spouse and after separation, their drive sky rocketed. Women do get bored faster than men. Men like convenience.

Plus one. It's rarely personal. Men take their wife's loss of drive so personally. It's just boredom. Happens to most women although some are better at faking it. Lesbians don't have to pretend which is why they are happily sexless after a decade or more

+1.
This is exactly what I tell all my friends about their low drive wife. It’s not personal, that is just how women are. Then I advise them the only real fix is find an affair partner who desires you. Works every time.

[Anonymous]

^ if only you were hot and muscular then your own wife would still f@ck you multiple times per week like the numerous ladies that posted they still have strong desire and lots of sex with their husbands at 20, 30+ years.

I’m sorry your wife doesn’t find you attractive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^ if only you were hot and muscular then your own wife would still f@ck you multiple times per week like the numerous ladies that posted they still have strong desire and lots of sex with their husbands at 20, 30+ years.

I’m sorry your wife doesn’t find you attractive.

Nah, my wife is great a faking desire (like PP said) so I’m good thanks! But I know exactly what to do if that changes, and I definitely won’t take it personal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^ if only you were hot and muscular then your own wife would still f@ck you multiple times per week like the numerous ladies that posted they still have strong desire and lots of sex with their husbands at 20, 30+ years.

I’m sorry your wife doesn’t find you attractive.

Oh great, the battle of the sexes! The mirror image of the troll who asks women if they got fat or cut their hair short!

[Anonymous]

I think it’s a surprise for people because it’s not the sort of thing you talk about or think about until you’re in it. I certainly was NOT paying any attention to my parents’ sex lives when I was younger, and I didn’t have an older friend or relative to talk with about this. Sure, it’s portrayed in some movies and TV shows but it’s easy to shrug it off because most of us don’t know whether it’s realistic until we get to that point ourselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it’s a surprise for people because it’s not the sort of thing you talk about or think about until you’re in it. I certainly was NOT paying any attention to my parents’ sex lives when I was younger, and I didn’t have an older friend or relative to talk with about this. Sure, it’s portrayed in some movies and TV shows but it’s easy to shrug it off because most of us don’t know whether it’s realistic until we get to that point ourselves.

This. And of course it would never happen to us because we had a great, fun and frequent and even sometimes kinky sex life!

Ah to be young and naive. Can't wait to join the affair club, there's gotta be more to life than this bland sexless existence, right? Right?!?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I got married a virgin. I think this must be something that happens to women who sleep around. My husband is the only guy I've ever wanted and he still is. More than 10 years married and multiple kids including one with special needs and we've never gone more than a week without except postpartum.

I think you may be on to something. But I think it works better if both are virgins. DH and I both were virgins on our wedding night. After we were married sex became an every day thing in some form or other. We could not get enough of it. The only time we have abstained were due to travel or health or pregnancy/post partum. I think both of us are still making up for the culturally forced celibacy and deprivation of our pre-marital years.

Also, we have nothing real to compare each other with. We have learned everything about sex together and with only each other. I also feel that we are open to sex in a guileless way with each other since we only had each other and no baggage. I am figuring this out after reading this forum. For example, DH is very persuasive, adventurous and patient. Even if I am not in the mood he will make sure that he gets me into mood through prolonged foreplay. If he would have had previous sexual partners I am sure he would have been more self-conscious about trying to change my mind or my preference. Denial of sex was never a part of our marital calculus and for some reason fights never bled into the bedroom. He would just resolve things before we went to bed because maybe he wanted sex to happen? I don't know. He is pretty easy going outside of bedroom and let's me have my way. In the bedroom he is the one who is dominating and adventurous. He also makes sure that I enjoy sex and I think this is remarkable because his sole subject of sexual experimentation has been me (and maybe porn?). I am average in looks and body shape and if he was with other women he would probably not found my body attractive after childbirth, weight gain and aging. He has really never commented negatively about it. In fact he has been turned on by body features that women pay thousands to correct through plastic surgery.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I got married a virgin. I think this must be something that happens to women who sleep around. My husband is the only guy I've ever wanted and he still is. More than 10 years married and multiple kids including one with special needs and we've never gone more than a week without except postpartum.

I think you may be on to something. But I think it works better if both are virgins. DH and I both were virgins on our wedding night. After we were married sex became an every day thing in some form or other. We could not get enough of it. The only time we have abstained were due to travel or health or pregnancy/post partum. I think both of us are still making up for the culturally forced celibacy and deprivation of our pre-marital years.

Also, we have nothing real to compare each other with. We have learned everything about sex together and with only each other. I also feel that we are open to sex in a guileless way with each other since we only had each other and no baggage. I am figuring this out after reading this forum. For example, DH is very persuasive, adventurous and patient. Even if I am not in the mood he will make sure that he gets me into mood through prolonged foreplay. If he would have had previous sexual partners I am sure he would have been more self-conscious about trying to change my mind or my preference. Denial of sex was never a part of our marital calculus and for some reason fights never bled into the bedroom. He would just resolve things before we went to bed because maybe he wanted sex to happen? I don't know. He is pretty easy going outside of bedroom and let's me have my way. In the bedroom he is the one who is dominating and adventurous. He also makes sure that I enjoy sex and I think this is remarkable because his sole subject of sexual experimentation has been me (and maybe porn?). I am average in looks and body shape and if he was with other women he would probably not found my body attractive after childbirth, weight gain and aging. He has really never commented negatively about it. In fact he has been turned on by body features that women pay thousands to correct through plastic surgery.

Pp. My husband was a virgin too. Our dynamic has been similar to yours.
The only difference is we don't do porn (I've asked him not to but I'll do anything he wants between us at least once).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think maybe some of the surprise comes from the way it's portrayed versus the reality of how it comes to pass.

Most of the reason for the decline in sex is that people get bored, and women get bored more quickly than men for mostly biological reasons. Nobody's fault.

The way it gets portrayed blames it on women being asexual generally, causing women to say "hey! We like sex!" and on men becoming out of shape, thoughtless dopes. Guys say "hey! I'm still in pretty good shape and I pull my weight at home."

Since the individuals don't fall into the stereotypical tropes usually thought of as causing the sexlessness, they think that won't happen to their marriages. But, biology is biology, so it happens anyway, and they're surprised.

this! the reason it befuddles me, is that it our dead bedroom is opposite of what I was expecting. We have a young child, but apparently I have a much higher drive than my DH, so i am confused because I am the one initiating and getting rejected - but my identity in life (as a female) has always been if i want it, i can get it, because that is what society has taught me. I am still young and attractive, seeing me naked used to be enough to spark interest in him. Now i have to work for it, and I am not used this. The rejection really hurts my ego.

This situation appears to be an outlier. But I don’t think you’re alone.

Not at all. When I was having affairs for well over a decade, I had no trouble finding women in this situation. It was a real eye opener and I came to believe there are just as many women as men in this situation. They just don't talk about it as much.

[Anonymous]

For me, it's the buildup of emotional baggage in a marriage that decreases the desire to have sex. It's not physical. If I were single again, I know I'd love sex with other men. When you are dating and a man does something mean or stupid, you can easily break up with him and start fresh. When you are married with kids, you put up with more (at least I do). I don't think men allow those hurts to build up enough to interfere with sex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For me, it's the buildup of emotional baggage in a marriage that decreases the desire to have sex. It's not physical. If I were single again, I know I'd love sex with other men. When you are dating and a man does something mean or stupid, you can easily break up with him and start fresh. When you are married with kids, you put up with more (at least I do). I don't think men allow those hurts to build up enough to interfere with sex.

This is usually the case. Emotional baggage and resentment are the killer. Men move on from disagreements more easily. My divorced friends are going at it like rabbits again. From this vantage point, it does seem less messy to just have the affair and get it out of your system. Such a shame the supposed ethical way to have sex again is divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For me, it's the buildup of emotional baggage in a marriage that decreases the desire to have sex. It's not physical. If I were single again, I know I'd love sex with other men. When you are dating and a man does something mean or stupid, you can easily break up with him and start fresh. When you are married with kids, you put up with more (at least I do). I don't think men allow those hurts to build up enough to interfere with sex.

This is usually the case. Emotional baggage and resentment are the killer. Men move on from disagreements more easily. My divorced friends are going at it like rabbits again. From this vantage point, it does seem less messy to just have the affair and get it out of your system. Such a shame the supposed ethical way to have sex again is divorce.

No. The ethical way is to work with your spouse to rekindle. Marriage desire has ebbs and flows. It can come back just as strong. You essentially will be divorced when you go down the affair road...and the divorce will be more contentious due to the cheating and lies.