Wondering about a second kid ... very conflicted

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does anyone ever actually regret having a subsequent kid?

I say go for it.

Or course they do. But it's not socially acceptable to admit it.

I agree with the other posters saying the provided reasons are awfully weak. Babies are only babies so long, and the age difference will mean the siblings won't be close to one another until adulthood anyway.

What would be stronger reasons?

Redundancy in case the first is a dud? Kidding... Sort of.

There are fundamental flaws in both reasons provided. You don't have another kid just because you like the first year or two, because you're signing on to a life-long commitment. Similarly, it's silly to base it on giving an existing child a sibling when they'd be so far apart in age.

It would be different if the OP made some statement about always imagining a bigger family, as a longer-term motivation rather than just liking the baby part.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does anyone ever actually regret having a subsequent kid?

I say go for it.

Uh, no, the vast majority don't regret it, per se, because the kid is now already here, and most people love their kids very much. That doesn't mean if you could game out what your life would be like in both scenarios that everyone would actually be happier with their second than without. A big chunk of this is motivated reasoning-- avoidance of cognitive dissonance.

Studies almost universally show that women, specifically, experience higher levels of both happiness and life satisfaction with one kid. Their overall happiness declines with each subsequent kid.

It's not because those mothers don't love their 2nd, 3rd, or 4th kid. It's because our society does not support families. So having one kid is the happiest medium if you want to be a parent (and get all the attendant benefits in terms of more meaning and purpose and yes, joy, in your life) but experience the fewest amount of downsides (lost income, lost time, increased pressure, etc.).

I know, I know, all the women with multiples will jump in and tell me how I'm wrong. I'm sure there are plenty of individual women who are more than happy they kept going after one. I'm too trying to say they are wrong -- it's your life! Live it as you please.

But the studies indicate that there are also PLENTY of people, but especially women, who "regret" having another kid. Even if it's just looking at their dream of retiring at a normal age go poof as college costs mount.

Note: if we lived in a functional society that supported women and families and kids, I'd 100% have another. But we don't, so I won't.

Yep. This pandemic has shown that families and children in particular are the easiest things to sacrifice when the going gets tough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does anyone ever actually regret having a subsequent kid?

I say go for it.

Uh, no, the vast majority don't regret it, per se, because the kid is now already here, and most people love their kids very much. That doesn't mean if you could game out what your life would be like in both scenarios that everyone would actually be happier with their second than without. A big chunk of this is motivated reasoning-- avoidance of cognitive dissonance.

Studies almost universally show that women, specifically, experience higher levels of both happiness and life satisfaction with one kid. Their overall happiness declines with each subsequent kid.

It's not because those mothers don't love their 2nd, 3rd, or 4th kid. It's because our society does not support families. So having one kid is the happiest medium if you want to be a parent (and get all the attendant benefits in terms of more meaning and purpose and yes, joy, in your life) but experience the fewest amount of downsides (lost income, lost time, increased pressure, etc.).

I know, I know, all the women with multiples will jump in and tell me how I'm wrong. I'm sure there are plenty of individual women who are more than happy they kept going after one. I'm too trying to say they are wrong -- it's your life! Live it as you please.

But the studies indicate that there are also PLENTY of people, but especially women, who "regret" having another kid. Even if it's just looking at their dream of retiring at a normal age go poof as college costs mount.

Note: if we lived in a functional society that supported women and families and kids, I'd 100% have another. But we don't, so I won't.

OP here. This makes a lot of sense to me. DH and I were talking about it last night — if public schools were more consistent (especially in K-8) and college wasn’t so expensive, we’d have another. But for us, public school is not where we want it to be and we have to be able to pay for at least some of DD’s college tuition.

So for our personal situation, it can’t work.

[Anonymous]

My aunt died during the pandemic. Her only child is now left alone to care for my uncle who lives 2 hours away and has a house full of stuff. She's slammed at work because of the pandemic. She has no kids of her own and is still drowning under the burden of all this. Its not a money issue. Aunt insisted on staying in the house. Uncle would like to leave but cannot manage on his own. There's no guarantee that a sibling would share the load but it sure is nice if there is one to share it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What do you want your Thanksgiving table to look like in 20 years?

Well, if you're my in-laws, apparently you wanted to be surrounded by your four kids and piles of grandkids. In reality, only one kid ever comes home for Thanksgiving. We are the only ones who come for Christmas, too, and only every other year. And they have three grandchildren. So don't have a bunch of kids thinking you'll have a Norman Rockwell illustration at the holidays.

Right?

Mil’s daughter died at 19 then MIL died at 45, both unexpected. His thanksgiving is spent avoided thinking about that table and trying to enjoy the meal with his new wife and their kids.

My mom and son don’t talk, mom is remarried and all their parents are dead. Daughter 1 works most holidays and we all live several hours apart. Thanksgiving is often a meal out with an aunt. Sometimes daughter 1 comes for the day. I’m daughter 2 and we spend it bil and sil.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My aunt died during the pandemic. Her only child is now left alone to care for my uncle who lives 2 hours away and has a house full of stuff. She's slammed at work because of the pandemic. She has no kids of her own and is still drowning under the burden of all this. Its not a money issue. Aunt insisted on staying in the house. Uncle would like to leave but cannot manage on his own. There's no guarantee that a sibling would share the load but it sure is nice if there is one to share it.

I’m so sorry that happened. Sadly, having siblings that don’t help are even worse. Ask my parents — they have 4 siblings between them and not one has helped with their parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My aunt died during the pandemic. Her only child is now left alone to care for my uncle who lives 2 hours away and has a house full of stuff. She's slammed at work because of the pandemic. She has no kids of her own and is still drowning under the burden of all this. Its not a money issue. Aunt insisted on staying in the house. Uncle would like to leave but cannot manage on his own. There's no guarantee that a sibling would share the load but it sure is nice if there is one to share it.

I’m so sorry that happened. Sadly, having siblings that don’t help are even worse. Ask my parents — they have 4 siblings between them and not one has helped with their parents.

+1 my friend has four siblings and she is the only one taking care of her dad. She doesn’t even live close to him but still does way more than her other siblings.

[Anonymous]

If your leaning towards having another...do it now! I was a one and done for many years. By the time we decided we wanted another...it took awhile and caused a bigger age gap. Looking back, I wish we had another when we first considered it.

[Anonymous]

No one can answer this for you. Our two are 4 years apart and so far it's been great.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My aunt died during the pandemic. Her only child is now left alone to care for my uncle who lives 2 hours away and has a house full of stuff. She's slammed at work because of the pandemic. She has no kids of her own and is still drowning under the burden of all this. Its not a money issue. Aunt insisted on staying in the house. Uncle would like to leave but cannot manage on his own. There's no guarantee that a sibling would share the load but it sure is nice if there is one to share it.

I’m so sorry that happened. Sadly, having siblings that don’t help are even worse. Ask my parents — they have 4 siblings between them and not one has helped with their parents.

+1 my friend has four siblings and she is the only one taking care of her dad. She doesn’t even live close to him but still does way more than her other siblings.

yes, no guarantees.

[Anonymous]

Hi OP. I am in a similar boat, so I have no advice, just virtual support. We are 36/37, with an amazing 4 year old who is extremely unlikely to have any cousins. I'm clear-eyed about the probability that she won't have a close sibling relationship as an adult even if we were to have another (I'd say my spouse and I both have medium-close relationships with own siblings - no animosity, but not best friends), but I am bothered by the idea of her eventually being completely alone in the world in terms of family of origin.

I will say that the 5 year age gap doesn't phase me, as my siblings and I are very spread out and it actually had a lot of pros in terms of parents' ability to focus on each of us as individuals.

The biggest drawback for me personally is pregnancy and the first year postpartum, both of which were awful for me the first time. I know, with the benefit of hindsight, that both periods are finite and survivable, but I still have a lot of worries about the impact on my marriage, child, and mental health.

[Anonymous]

My kids are 6 and 3.5 and we were on the fence about the second when I got pregnant with an oopsie. Mine are less than 2.5 years apart which has been a very difficult age gap for us, personally. A 5-year age gap would be much, much easier. Having 2 kids is crazy, and life is so peaceful when I have them one-on-one. I have to think that your age gap would help you out a lot there, though.

I can't imagine going back to the baby and toddler phases after being out of it for a few years, but YMMV.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: My kids are 6 and 3.5 and we were on the fence about the second when I got pregnant with an oopsie. Mine are less than 2.5 years apart which has been a very difficult age gap for us, personally. A 5-year age gap would be much, much easier. Having 2 kids is crazy, and life is so peaceful when I have them one-on-one. I have to think that your age gap would help you out a lot there, though.

I can't imagine going back to the baby and toddler phases after being out of it for a few years, but YMMV.

I think about this a lot, too. I think people idealize having children close together because they assume their kids will be very close. And they may become closer as they get older, but I think close-in-age siblings are most difficult when they are small. That is when they most want/need one-on-one attention from parents, and they will inevitably struggle to get it when there is another child involved. It is not until kids are 6-10 (depending on the kid) that they have an easier time sharing their parents and have enough independence, trust, and social awareness to handle it emotionally without a lot of parental guidance and intervention.

Also, older children can often embrace the "big sister/brother" role more readily. A two or three year old is already going through that "no, I want to do it on my own" phase, which is a big part of what causes meltdowns at that age as their desire to do things outpaces their ability. But by 4 or 5 or 6, an older sibling will have more competence and confidence, so if they want to help with the baby, they actually will be able to do quite a bit (though don't force this on them or turn them into your go-to baby minder -- they are children and get to be children and will resent you for turning them into the third parent). They may enjoy the role more at this age and become more naturally protective and loving towards a younger sibling because they do not view the new baby as a competitor.

I do think close-in-age siblings can also work great, but I don't understand the obsession with them. I think it is mostly more for the benefit of the parents, who can then exit the baby/toddler stage sooner. Which is also fine! But be realistic about what you are doing -- your 2-year-old is not clamoring for a sibling and you will need to put in a lot of work to help make them okay with it. Expect regressions, jealousy, etc. When it's all over you might have two kids who are very close and love to play together. You also might wind up with two kids who bicker a lot. You can't always game it out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd say stick with one because the reasons you listed are pretty weak---as you said it is unlikely that your kids would be super close because of the age gap (yes, I know there are exceptions DCUM but the majority of kids with 5+ years apart are like this until they are adults). And its a bit hard with COVID right now, but eventually you could always seek out volunteering that involves caring for babies for a bit to get your fix.

For the record, when these types of questions get asked I generally vote for having another, but with the way you worded and listed everything I think you are leaning towards an only.

This is a ridiculous statement, kids can be close in a million different ways.

You can also say that the majority of kids who are close in age fight non-stop until they are adults.

OP age gap has nothing to do with how close your kids will be in the future and should not be a factor in your decision-making process.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My aunt died during the pandemic. Her only child is now left alone to care for my uncle who lives 2 hours away and has a house full of stuff. She's slammed at work because of the pandemic. She has no kids of her own and is still drowning under the burden of all this. Its not a money issue. Aunt insisted on staying in the house. Uncle would like to leave but cannot manage on his own. There's no guarantee that a sibling would share the load but it sure is nice if there is one to share it.

I’m so sorry that happened. Sadly, having siblings that don’t help are even worse. Ask my parents — they have 4 siblings between them and not one has helped with their parents.

+1 my friend has four siblings and she is the only one taking care of her dad. She doesn’t even live close to him but still does way more than her other siblings.

You could flip that and say it's good those parents had four so they could end up with at least one who is able to help them. Maybe none of the other three would've stepped up, and then there'd be no one.