Wondering about a second kid ... very conflicted

[Anonymous]

Hi OP - a year and a half ago, I could've written your post! Now, I have a 5 year old and a 4 month old. A few thoughts -
- The age gap has made this period much easier compared to close in age, judging from my experience compared to what I've watched friends go through. Like you, all of my social circle (I swear, ALL of it) had kids 2-3 years apart, and we just were not ready. My first was a really tough baby, and i HATED being pregnant, so the thought of doing all that again was awful. I think the age gap making it easier is especially telling given that I had the 5 yo home with me thanks to COVID... as someone who has never once desired to be a SAHM, I survived a summer with a newborn and an almost-5 yo! It wasn't awful!
- No one particular thing pushed us over the edge to make the decision. I just couldn't give up the idea that our family wasn't complete. It's probably because everyone I know has 2, so I internalized that norm. Who knows.
- If there had been a pandemic on when we were making the decision, kid #2 would not exist. No doubt about it. He just made the cutoff into existence. Childcare is just too uncertain now, and it's been really hard trying to figure out what to do with the two kids with limited options, now that the older is in virtual kindergarten and the younger obviously needs full time care. We are spending way more money on nannies than I expected to spend on childcare this year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Personally I think it's a myth that you need to be 100% sure about having kids. I say this as someone who was not 100% about the first or the second, and I am thrilled about both decisions.

However, I did base my decision on the following:

-- I have a DH who is a full partner
-- We have the financial resources
-- I'm not someone who wallows in regret. I make a decision and I make the best of it.

Don't even think about sibling relationships, or having "an heir and a spare" as others on DCUM will say.

There is no wrong decision.

OP here. Thanks for this. DH is definitely a full partner and we have the resources to do it, just not with the flexibility regarding schooling, vacations, and savings that we’d like. It’s not that we can’t afford two kids; it’s that we can’t afford two kids (money, time, and energy wise) in the way we would want to do it.

This is the exact reason we only have two. We are able to live exactly how we want and give our kids exactly what we want. We are very fortunate to be in that position, but we wouldn't be able to do it with more. Some people value having kids more than the value the flexibility regarding schooling, vacations, and savings. Some people are the opposite. No opinion is right or wrong - they are just the way different people view things. So if you value those things highly, don't be afraid to prioritize them. I have several friends who have one child for many of those reasons and they are so happy. For what it's worth, my husband and I are both from families with two kids, but he is not at all close to his sister and my brother was a lot younger than me so we weren't very close either. We decided we would try for one and see what happened. I got pregnant with twins, so we ended up with two. We're happy with them and have now structured our lives around having two kids, but would have discussed whether we wanted a second after having one.

[Anonymous]

People I know who have only one are very happy about it. Private school all the way. International travel. Full pay private college. Just so much more freedom. She’s a great kid (now almost adult).

[Anonymous]

I'm in the same boat, the only differences being that I'm older (40) and we have two children. I would love to have three, but that's mostly because I loved the baby stage and I'd love for my children to have another sibling. But I'm tired and stressed. Financially, things right now are comfortable, but that would change with a 3rd.