Wondering about a second kid ... very conflicted

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Personally I think it's a myth that you need to be 100% sure about having kids. I say this as someone who was not 100% about the first or the second, and I am thrilled about both decisions.

However, I did base my decision on the following:

-- I have a DH who is a full partner
-- We have the financial resources
-- I'm not someone who wallows in regret. I make a decision and I make the best of it.

Don't even think about sibling relationships, or having "an heir and a spare" as others on DCUM will say.

There is no wrong decision.

OP here. Thanks for this. DH is definitely a full partner and we have the resources to do it, just not with the flexibility regarding schooling, vacations, and savings that we’d like. It’s not that we can’t afford two kids; it’s that we can’t afford two kids (money, time, and energy wise) in the way we would want to do it.

PP here and I hear you. If we'd stuck with one, DS would be in private school right now instead of public. Our lives would have been easier in some ways.

That theoretical life isn't any better than the life I have now -- just different. And I'd be happy either way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am in a similar situation, but I'm much older than you. We had some secondary infertility and are trying to decide if we want to get assistance with conception or just stick with one.

I think one of the things persuading me to stick with one child (aside from concern about my age and fertility, which doesn't sound like an issue for you at this point), is that my sadness over not having another baby has dissipated a bit. I really wanted another one when my DC was 2, and then that increased as many of my friends who had their first around the same time I did got pregnant with a second. But now my DC is in pre-school and I feel myself letting go of the baby years a bit -- there are so many great things about kids this age and I am finally getting some independence, too. Plus my friends who have had second kids are really in the thick of now. I know they are happy with their choice, but I definitely don't envy them. The baby years are really different with another child in the house.

Anyway, thought I'd throw those thoughts into your process. I definitely understand those baby yearnings as your first grows up, but I do sometimes wonder how much of it is just hormonal and will fade. Everyone is different though.

OP here. I’m so sorry that you dealt with secondary infertility, but I’m glad that you seem to be happy now.

I’m sort of in that same boat. Most of my friends are having their second. My 2 friends with one both have significant reasons (one is older and had multiple miscarriages and the other has Crohn’s). My friends who have two are really consumed by it and are understandably unable to do anything else. In contrast, I’m able to pursue hobbies (playing music with friends and writing songs just for my own enjoyment) while also balancing work and spending time with DD. I recognize that having another would make that impossible for at least another few years. So there are real trade-offs.

Like another PP said, I think both lives are enjoyable. I doubt I would regret having a second once I met my baby; the vast majority of people fall in love with their children and so couldn’t regret that the second one exists. But I could imagine myself regretting giving up the time to be able to do some things for myself while also being a present parent, spouse, and employee.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like maybe having only 1 is the way you're leaning. We have only one and are "one and done" and the majority of parents we meet via preschool or at the playground that have 2 young kids says some version of "you made the right decision"- not that they don't love both their kids, but they are in the thick of it and totally exhausted. I think studies show that parents with more than one kid are more depressed/less happy too?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What do you want your Thanksgiving table to look like in 20 years?

Exactly!
OP, it's valid if your truly cannot save for retirement and some college savings unless you have one child. But is that really the case? Or are you trying to save 100% for college (which, who knows, might be free by the time your daughter goes...) and a baller retirement, or are you really just talking about the basics?
At the end of your life, are you going to think expensive vacations and private school were worth skipping out on a second child, or will the second child make you happier? (ps look around: do rich people who go on expensive vacations and pay for private school seem universally hapiper to you?)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

OP here. I’m so sorry that you dealt with secondary infertility, but I’m glad that you seem to be happy now.

I’m sort of in that same boat. Most of my friends are having their second. My 2 friends with one both have significant reasons (one is older and had multiple miscarriages and the other has Crohn’s). My friends who have two are really consumed by it and are understandably unable to do anything else. In contrast, I’m able to pursue hobbies (playing music with friends and writing songs just for my own enjoyment) while also balancing work and spending time with DD. I recognize that having another would make that impossible for at least another few years. So there are real trade-offs.

Like another PP said, I think both lives are enjoyable. I doubt I would regret having a second once I met my baby; the vast majority of people fall in love with their children and so couldn’t regret that the second one exists. But I could imagine myself regretting giving up the time to be able to do some things for myself while also being a present parent, spouse, and employee.

OP, I don't know how old you are, but I'm guessing you've already had at least 30 years for your hobbies, and I don't see how putting them off a couple more years will make that big of a difference in your life. When you're 80 and on your death bed, are you going to be like "thank god I did my hobbies for those 2 extra years" or "thank god I have two children"?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What do you want your Thanksgiving table to look like in 20 years?

Exactly!
OP, it's valid if your truly cannot save for retirement and some college savings unless you have one child. But is that really the case? Or are you trying to save 100% for college (which, who knows, might be free by the time your daughter goes...) and a baller retirement, or are you really just talking about the basics?
At the end of your life, are you going to think expensive vacations and private school were worth skipping out on a second child, or will the second child make you happier? (ps look around: do rich people who go on expensive vacations and pay for private school seem universally hapiper to you?)

It’s not that we wouldn’t be able to save at all for college and retirement; it’s more that with one, we could theoretically do private school while also saving for college and retirement.

I guess, like everything in life, it’s about trade offs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

OP here. I’m so sorry that you dealt with secondary infertility, but I’m glad that you seem to be happy now.

I’m sort of in that same boat. Most of my friends are having their second. My 2 friends with one both have significant reasons (one is older and had multiple miscarriages and the other has Crohn’s). My friends who have two are really consumed by it and are understandably unable to do anything else. In contrast, I’m able to pursue hobbies (playing music with friends and writing songs just for my own enjoyment) while also balancing work and spending time with DD. I recognize that having another would make that impossible for at least another few years. So there are real trade-offs.

Like another PP said, I think both lives are enjoyable. I doubt I would regret having a second once I met my baby; the vast majority of people fall in love with their children and so couldn’t regret that the second one exists. But I could imagine myself regretting giving up the time to be able to do some things for myself while also being a present parent, spouse, and employee.

OP, I don't know how old you are, but I'm guessing you've already had at least 30 years for your hobbies, and I don't see how putting them off a couple more years will make that big of a difference in your life. When you're 80 and on your death bed, are you going to be like "thank god I did my hobbies for those 2 extra years" or "thank god I have two children"?

It’s all about what you value. Playing and making music is pretty essential for my mental health. I’ve gone through periods in the past when I don’t do it, and I’ve seen a noticeable increase in anxiety and sadness. It’s therapeutic for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am in a similar situation, but I'm much older than you. We had some secondary infertility and are trying to decide if we want to get assistance with conception or just stick with one.

I think one of the things persuading me to stick with one child (aside from concern about my age and fertility, which doesn't sound like an issue for you at this point), is that my sadness over not having another baby has dissipated a bit. I really wanted another one when my DC was 2, and then that increased as many of my friends who had their first around the same time I did got pregnant with a second. But now my DC is in pre-school and I feel myself letting go of the baby years a bit -- there are so many great things about kids this age and I am finally getting some independence, too. Plus my friends who have had second kids are really in the thick of now. I know they are happy with their choice, but I definitely don't envy them. The baby years are really different with another child in the house.

Anyway, thought I'd throw those thoughts into your process. I definitely understand those baby yearnings as your first grows up, but I do sometimes wonder how much of it is just hormonal and will fade. Everyone is different though.

This. We never had a second because of secondary infertility and the pandemic has really shown a light on how drastically different the lifestyle between 1 and 2 kids is. I mourn the child we never had and the loss of the sibling relationship, but I also think about how different every family is and that the kids growing up in the "two parent, two kids, local extended family" hypothetical we all envision really are the minority. My kid doesn't have a sibling, but she does have two parents in the house, unlike a lot of kids. Plus local cousins she's very close with; engaged, local grandparents; and close family friends we vacation with and have given her life long friendships. All of this to say that OP does not need to have a second child to give her kid a full childhood.

[Anonymous]

I have two and am trying to decide on a third but something I finally realized that was helpful....I love babies and no matter how many KIDS we have I will always want another baby. But do I want another KID? I'm not sure. I needed to separate the wanting a baby from the wanting another kid thing, if that makes sense.

[Anonymous]

As an only child, I knew that I didn't want to have only one. I had the second one just before I turned 40 and am so happy, even though toddler + newborn during Covid is a bit of a mess. I really really enjoyed the baby stage with the second baby in a way that I didn't with the first, because I knew she would be my last baby and I was also more relaxed the second time around. Plus, when the toddler is acting up and generally being a toddler with all that entails, I can always seek refuge in baby cuddles!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does anyone ever actually regret having a subsequent kid?

I say go for it.

Uh, no, the vast majority don't regret it, per se, because the kid is now already here, and most people love their kids very much. That doesn't mean if you could game out what your life would be like in both scenarios that everyone would actually be happier with their second than without. A big chunk of this is motivated reasoning-- avoidance of cognitive dissonance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does anyone ever actually regret having a subsequent kid?

I say go for it.

Or course they do. But it's not socially acceptable to admit it.

I agree with the other posters saying the provided reasons are awfully weak. Babies are only babies so long, and the age difference will mean the siblings won't be close to one another until adulthood anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does anyone ever actually regret having a subsequent kid?

I say go for it.

Or course they do. But it's not socially acceptable to admit it.

I agree with the other posters saying the provided reasons are awfully weak. Babies are only babies so long, and the age difference will mean the siblings won't be close to one another until adulthood anyway.

What would be stronger reasons?

[Anonymous]

We are a little older but were thinking along similar lines and in the end decided to stick with just one. He is a really easy kid and didn’t want to learn that the hard way. Our age is a strong consideration (38) since we are not entirely comfortable with the increased of genetic issues. Our worst nightmare would be to roll the dice and end up regretting not sticking with an only.

The tipping point for us however was thinking about our environmental impact. We are a very happy family just as we are so it would feel greedy/selfish to bring another person into the world who would contribute to environmental destruction. The risks outweigh the benefits. Marginal, if any real increase on happiness (how could this even be measured) since we already have so much to be grateful for weighed against the risk of complications or a kid who may have health struggles.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does anyone ever actually regret having a subsequent kid?

I say go for it.

Uh, no, the vast majority don't regret it, per se, because the kid is now already here, and most people love their kids very much. That doesn't mean if you could game out what your life would be like in both scenarios that everyone would actually be happier with their second than without. A big chunk of this is motivated reasoning-- avoidance of cognitive dissonance.

Studies almost universally show that women, specifically, experience higher levels of both happiness and life satisfaction with one kid. Their overall happiness declines with each subsequent kid.

It's not because those mothers don't love their 2nd, 3rd, or 4th kid. It's because our society does not support families. So having one kid is the happiest medium if you want to be a parent (and get all the attendant benefits in terms of more meaning and purpose and yes, joy, in your life) but experience the fewest amount of downsides (lost income, lost time, increased pressure, etc.).

I know, I know, all the women with multiples will jump in and tell me how I'm wrong. I'm sure there are plenty of individual women who are more than happy they kept going after one. I'm too trying to say they are wrong -- it's your life! Live it as you please.

But the studies indicate that there are also PLENTY of people, but especially women, who "regret" having another kid. Even if it's just looking at their dream of retiring at a normal age go poof as college costs mount.

Note: if we lived in a functional society that supported women and families and kids, I'd 100% have another. But we don't, so I won't.