Wondering about a second kid ... very conflicted

[Anonymous]

Now, I know that no one should have another child unless they are 100% about it. So in reality, I will likely not go through with having a second. But I’m finding myself wondering about it.

I’ll be 34 next week. DH will be 35 next month. Our daughter will be 4 next week.

Reasons we have wanted to have one child:

1. We both work full-time and want to be able to relatively easily balance that and spend time with her.

2. Financial flexibility around schooling (for example, being able to private school if necessary and save for college).

3. Financial flexibility around doing the above and also going on vacations and saving for retirement.

Reasons I would want to have another:

1. I miss having a baby.

2. It would be nice for DD to have a sibling.

Now, I know that there’s no guarantee of having a healthy baby and no guarantee the two of them would get along. We would no longer have flexibility around schooling, would not be able to take nice vacations, etc. I also worry that at this point, there would be a pretty big age difference — if I got pregnant now, DD would be almost 5 when the baby is born.

Really, this is my rational and emotional sides conflicting. This isn’t so much a question as a musing. I wonder if anyone else is in the same boat.

[Anonymous]

I'd say stick with one because the reasons you listed are pretty weak---as you said it is unlikely that your kids would be super close because of the age gap (yes, I know there are exceptions DCUM but the majority of kids with 5+ years apart are like this until they are adults). And its a bit hard with COVID right now, but eventually you could always seek out volunteering that involves caring for babies for a bit to get your fix.

For the record, when these types of questions get asked I generally vote for having another, but with the way you worded and listed everything I think you are leaning towards an only.

[Anonymous]

I don't believe you have to be 100% to have another. If you'll regret not having that's a good reason.

[Anonymous]

It is your decision, so it is up to you.

I was in your position when I was 34 & DH was 36 a few years ago, and I went for it. Now, I have 5 year old & 2 year old. I don’t regret but covid makes everything tough for us and that drives me nuts staying home/working from home/taking care of kids at home for months. If you ask me now if I would go for second, I would definitely say no! Covid has been making me feeling so depressed about the world and causes me so worried about my kid school opening/health.

[Anonymous]

Not like this helps, but I knew I wanted a second, but dreaded the whole thing. I was trying to get pregnant with number 2, and cried when I found out I was pregnant (sad tears). I was anxious the whole pregnancy. Two kids for us is now easier than one kid, but just wanted to flag that even though I knew I wanted two kids, I forced myself to do the pregnancy thing and I wasn’t happy about actually going through with it

[Anonymous]

Does anyone ever actually regret having a subsequent kid?

I say go for it.

[Anonymous]

Personally I think it's a myth that you need to be 100% sure about having kids. I say this as someone who was not 100% about the first or the second, and I am thrilled about both decisions.

However, I did base my decision on the following:

-- I have a DH who is a full partner
-- We have the financial resources
-- I'm not someone who wallows in regret. I make a decision and I make the best of it.

Don't even think about sibling relationships, or having "an heir and a spare" as others on DCUM will say.

There is no wrong decision.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Personally I think it's a myth that you need to be 100% sure about having kids. I say this as someone who was not 100% about the first or the second, and I am thrilled about both decisions.

However, I did base my decision on the following:

-- I have a DH who is a full partner
-- We have the financial resources
-- I'm not someone who wallows in regret. I make a decision and I make the best of it.

Don't even think about sibling relationships, or having "an heir and a spare" as others on DCUM will say.

There is no wrong decision.

OP here. Thanks for this. DH is definitely a full partner and we have the resources to do it, just not with the flexibility regarding schooling, vacations, and savings that we’d like. It’s not that we can’t afford two kids; it’s that we can’t afford two kids (money, time, and energy wise) in the way we would want to do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd say stick with one because the reasons you listed are pretty weak---as you said it is unlikely that your kids would be super close because of the age gap (yes, I know there are exceptions DCUM but the majority of kids with 5+ years apart are like this until they are adults). And its a bit hard with COVID right now, but eventually you could always seek out volunteering that involves caring for babies for a bit to get your fix.

For the record, when these types of questions get asked I generally vote for having another, but with the way you worded and listed everything I think you are leaning towards an only.

Interesting! I was also thinking OP should stick with one and I never say that. We actually considered no kids at one point but never considered just one. It was always none or two (or possibly 3). I can’t imagine life with just one. But nothing in your post suggests you should have another OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd say stick with one because the reasons you listed are pretty weak---as you said it is unlikely that your kids would be super close because of the age gap (yes, I know there are exceptions DCUM but the majority of kids with 5+ years apart are like this until they are adults). And its a bit hard with COVID right now, but eventually you could always seek out volunteering that involves caring for babies for a bit to get your fix.

For the record, when these types of questions get asked I generally vote for having another, but with the way you worded and listed everything I think you are leaning towards an only.

Interesting! I was also thinking OP should stick with one and I never say that. We actually considered no kids at one point but never considered just one. It was always none or two (or possibly 3). I can’t imagine life with just one. But nothing in your post suggests you should have another OP.

Curious as to why you think that?

[Anonymous]

What do you want your Thanksgiving table to look like in 20 years?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What do you want your Thanksgiving table to look like in 20 years?

Hmm, interesting! I’d love for my daughter to maybe have someone she loves with her (though she’d only be 24 then, so definitely no expectations of her being married by then). I’d be thrilled if my parents were still alive and healthy.

In 30 years it would be wonderful to have a grandchild, if DD wanted one.

[Anonymous]

1 is great. 2 is even better! You WILL NOT regret the decision to have another. I can guarantee it. I have 2 girls with a 4+ year age gap. My older one loves her baby sister, but also likes that she has her own space and things to do. DO IT!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What do you want your Thanksgiving table to look like in 20 years?

Well, if you're my in-laws, apparently you wanted to be surrounded by your four kids and piles of grandkids. In reality, only one kid ever comes home for Thanksgiving. We are the only ones who come for Christmas, too, and only every other year. And they have three grandchildren. So don't have a bunch of kids thinking you'll have a Norman Rockwell illustration at the holidays.

[Anonymous]

I am in a similar situation, but I'm much older than you. We had some secondary infertility and are trying to decide if we want to get assistance with conception or just stick with one.

I think one of the things persuading me to stick with one child (aside from concern about my age and fertility, which doesn't sound like an issue for you at this point), is that my sadness over not having another baby has dissipated a bit. I really wanted another one when my DC was 2, and then that increased as many of my friends who had their first around the same time I did got pregnant with a second. But now my DC is in pre-school and I feel myself letting go of the baby years a bit -- there are so many great things about kids this age and I am finally getting some independence, too. Plus my friends who have had second kids are really in the thick of now. I know they are happy with their choice, but I definitely don't envy them. The baby years are really different with another child in the house.

Anyway, thought I'd throw those thoughts into your process. I definitely understand those baby yearnings as your first grows up, but I do sometimes wonder how much of it is just hormonal and will fade. Everyone is different though.