Did you ever feel taken advantage of by your elderly parents

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow, most people help their parents willingly and lovingly. Sorry you feel so used. They are old OP, maybe they didn’t feel comfortable trusting strangers in their home.

Says a lot about you if this is your takeaway.

[Anonymous]

Is she maybe drinking too much? My MIL is that way sometimes due to the years of boozing, etc. Brainpower is just not there anymore.

[Anonymous]

My mom is similarly miserish and greedy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For my parents I didn't do a lot. I went to their house (1 hour drive one way) and checked in on them once or twice a month, as did my other siblings, plus other extended relatives, so they had regular visitors. My mom pulled a major screwy move (obviously influenced by golden child) that convinced me not to get involved in her care. I let the golden child get stuck with the work. Golden child not amused, but them's the breaks when you screw with your siblings. I would have been happy to help otherwise. A lot harder to go this route if you have a small family.

+1

I hear you. My GC sib pulled the same and was pretty surprised when I dropped out of parent care. You reap what you sow.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow, most people help their parents willingly and lovingly. Sorry you feel so used. They are old OP, maybe they didn’t feel comfortable trusting strangers in their home.

On behalf of OP? GTFO of this forum. You live a sad life if this is what you do.

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry, OP. It's natural to feel bitter in such a situation.
All the old people I know have behaved in the same way! Distance makes the heart grow fonder, or something silly like that.

My MIL, who is (or was) a very kind and intelligent person, sees no value in her older son's DAILY care-giving, and declared she wanted to settle more inheritance on my husband, who lives thousands of miles away and can only help remotely (he manages some aspects of her finances). I am mortified and pray the rest of the family doesn't resent us... I actually told my MIL several times that I would prefer if she could distribute her money in a way that did not favor my husband, but she insists. I don't get it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For my parents I didn't do a lot. I went to their house (1 hour drive one way) and checked in on them once or twice a month, as did my other siblings, plus other extended relatives, so they had regular visitors. My mom pulled a major screwy move (obviously influenced by golden child) that convinced me not to get involved in her care. I let the golden child get stuck with the work. Golden child not amused, but them's the breaks when you screw with your siblings. I would have been happy to help otherwise. A lot harder to go this route if you have a small family.

+1

I hear you. My GC sib pulled the same and was pretty surprised when I dropped out of parent care. You reap what you sow.

Can you both explain what your GC siblings did? It might help the rest of us keep an eye out for similar shenanigans.

[Anonymous]

I have the same situation but it came out that my parents hid my sibling is the POA, executor and getting most everything. I did all the work. I stopped. Sibling will help via medical advice but that is it. I was trying to figure out why I was always told to consult my sibling and often used my money when it wasn't necessary. Now when they ask I remind they they cut me out and its up to them and the sibling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm so sorry, OP. It's natural to feel bitter in such a situation.
All the old people I know have behaved in the same way! Distance makes the heart grow fonder, or something silly like that.

My MIL, who is (or was) a very kind and intelligent person, sees no value in her older son's DAILY care-giving, and declared she wanted to settle more inheritance on my husband, who lives thousands of miles away and can only help remotely (he manages some aspects of her finances). I am mortified and pray the rest of the family doesn't resent us... I actually told my MIL several times that I would prefer if she could distribute her money in a way that did not favor my husband, but she insists. I don't get it.

Then you need to step up or offer at least 50% to brother or it speaks volumes of you. Be prepared to have to take it all over at some point when he gets fed up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For my parents I didn't do a lot. I went to their house (1 hour drive one way) and checked in on them once or twice a month, as did my other siblings, plus other extended relatives, so they had regular visitors. My mom pulled a major screwy move (obviously influenced by golden child) that convinced me not to get involved in her care. I let the golden child get stuck with the work. Golden child not amused, but them's the breaks when you screw with your siblings. I would have been happy to help otherwise. A lot harder to go this route if you have a small family.

+1

I hear you. My GC sib pulled the same and was pretty surprised when I dropped out of parent care. You reap what you sow.

Can you both explain what your GC siblings did? It might help the rest of us keep an eye out for similar shenanigans.

I’m the +1 PP. It would be very lengthy to provide all the details, but my father is destitute. He refuses to do an easy fix that would allow him to qualify for Medicaid. Obviously, he is a financial ticking time bomb since he has several serious health issues and is 80+. My sib refuses to work together to get him take care of this easy fix. So, I’ve told her she’s on her own with him when push comes to shove. And I mean it. She has generally enabled a whole bunch of other very bad behavior from him and has made me the scapegoat when I diplomatically bring it up so we can work together to create a better future for all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm so sorry, OP. It's natural to feel bitter in such a situation.
All the old people I know have behaved in the same way! Distance makes the heart grow fonder, or something silly like that.

My MIL, who is (or was) a very kind and intelligent person, sees no value in her older son's DAILY care-giving, and declared she wanted to settle more inheritance on my husband, who lives thousands of miles away and can only help remotely (he manages some aspects of her finances). I am mortified and pray the rest of the family doesn't resent us... I actually told my MIL several times that I would prefer if she could distribute her money in a way that did not favor my husband, but she insists. I don't get it.

Then you need to step up or offer at least 50% to brother or it speaks volumes of you. Be prepared to have to take it all over at some point when he gets fed up.

That is a tough situation and your MIL is basically creating a life long family rift. It becomes complicated tax-wise to then give him what he deserves. She is moron not to just split things 50% because she can give a lot to him tax free. I would meet with an accountant to figure out how to equalize the inheritance after MIL is gone in the most tax efficient way possible. Is your BIL aware he is getting shafted?

You say your MIL is/was very kind. This is incredibly disturbed and mentally ill behavior to have no empathy for someone doing so much for her and to purposely punish him. Do you think it is dementia? My mother is doing disturbing things and I am the one helping, but she has always been dysfunctional, lacking empathy, self-centered and entitled and so I am stepping back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel like the more I committed I was to my parents the less they appreciated me. (And oddly, my mom distrusts me thought I’m the only family member who hasn’t betrayed her.) I had to move on from my family a long time ago. I’m not angry, just worn out.

The fact that your mom isn’t considering the financial needs of your SN child says a lot about her.

This is actually very common. They distrust you exactly because they’ve been betrayed before. They don’t appreciate you because they’re thinking your kindness is some type of long con. There’s nothing you can do. The more you try to help, the more they have to confront their own limitations—which they hate. It’s much easier to blame you. It’s much easier to insist they’re not asking for much, so why can’t you just pick up groceries for them? And their medications and tidy up around the house a little? And why are you whining so much? This generation is so entitled!

You can’t win.

The most fascinating and telling tirade from my mother was when she screamed at the top of her lungs what I selfish bitch I was for saying all her emergency calls and hysteria are not only draining me emotionally, but I know have some physical issues I need to look into. I asked her with her massive amount of money to hire help. She who visited her own parents several times a year, called them some and did nothing for her inlaws continued to rant about how "THIS is what family does." She then raged at me some more for being an entitled bitch. I can still hear the words and feel the physical reaction and hear the tone of her voice and while it still stings it told me all I need to know about who she is as a person. She valued nothing I did and anything else I did would never measure up. I finally realized I could do less and have her think I am a selfish piece of sh&t and complain to others about me or I could do more and have her think I am a selfish piece of sh&t and have her complain to others about me. That is what made the decision easy for me. I finally accepted there is no win. There is no appreciation. There is no making her happy.

[Anonymous]

YES! I definitely feel like my parents used their kids. Not only that, they pitted my siblings against each other. The relationship I had with my siblings will never be the same which makes me profoundly sad. One parent has since passed and the other wonders why everyone has distanced themselves. We will always provide the necessary care but have distanced ourselves emotionally. This may sound cruel but those of you with toxic parents will understand what I am going through.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:YES! I definitely feel like my parents used their kids. Not only that, they pitted my siblings against each other. The relationship I had with my siblings will never be the same which makes me profoundly sad. One parent has since passed and the other wonders why everyone has distanced themselves. We will always provide the necessary care but have distanced ourselves emotionally. This may sound cruel but those of you with toxic parents will understand what I am going through.

I not only understand, it took me a while to figure out if I wrote this. The still living parent has caused so much drama and spewed so much vitriol that you have to distance yourself to survive emotionally. She is forever the victim and anything done for her has been forgotten and erased. Still try to do what needs to be done within reason and while maintaining sanity. She is angry that we are so distanced and will lash out about it. She takes zero responsibility for her behavior and will gaslight you if you bring up anything so you continue to talk about the weather and anything boring and tip toe on those eggshells praying not to set off more tongue lashings.

[Anonymous]

OP, I can relate to a lot of what you wrote. The more I did the more it was expected to be done. I get what PP is saying about doing things out of love and I do have love for my parents. When I'm dealing with a job, a family and parents who expect tasks to be completed in the timeframe they want and can't say a simple "thanks" it gets really hard to keep it up. If other posters want to judge me for that I'm fine with it. It became exhausting and I was frazzled and not good to my own kids so I had to pull back. Like you, my parents have plenty of money to hire help, they just don't want to. Hang in there, OP. It's a difficult situation.