Did you ever feel taken advantage of by your elderly parents

[Anonymous]

No. My elderly parents are infuriating to me because they will be unnecessarily frugal to pass on things and money to us. They will not ask for help and they want to leave everything to us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No. My elderly parents are infuriating to me because they will be unnecessarily frugal to pass on things and money to us. They will not ask for help and they want to leave everything to us.

This is how mine started out. Then, emergencies started happening and I was getting calls to come over. Then gradually I was helping more. At first they were very appreciative as the years wore on they were entitled to it because they were saving to leave us money. Then i became a horrible bitch (mom's words) for insisting they spend their money on getting the best care for themselves and would need to do much less. I was horribly ungrateful mind you even though i was the only sibling to do anything and all they cared about was preserving the money. Fast forward even more years and there is endless talk of changing the will and how I may get nothing and I give the endless response of...do what you wish with your money. Money has been gifted to siblings who did nothing who are apparently wonderful and the scapegoating does not cease.

It is really amazing to me how disturbed people can be with money. Whether you abuse it by spending it all and expecting your kids to pay for everything for your care or you abuse it by dangling it as some carrot and reminding the person over and over you are taking it away. Because I told my mother she can do what she wants with her money I am told clearly i don't care enough about money so she should not leave me much. If I did get upset she was doing unfair distribution she would say all I cared about was her money and that is why I visit. I visit because I am trying to do the right thing...sorry clearly I just rambled and made this all about me. Maybe I am the narcissist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No. My elderly parents are infuriating to me because they will be unnecessarily frugal to pass on things and money to us. They will not ask for help and they want to leave everything to us.

This is how mine started out. Then, emergencies started happening and I was getting calls to come over. Then gradually I was helping more. At first they were very appreciative as the years wore on they were entitled to it because they were saving to leave us money. Then i became a horrible bitch (mom's words) for insisting they spend their money on getting the best care for themselves and would need to do much less. I was horribly ungrateful mind you even though i was the only sibling to do anything and all they cared about was preserving the money. Fast forward even more years and there is endless talk of changing the will and how I may get nothing and I give the endless response of...do what you wish with your money. Money has been gifted to siblings who did nothing who are apparently wonderful and the scapegoating does not cease.

It is really amazing to me how disturbed people can be with money. Whether you abuse it by spending it all and expecting your kids to pay for everything for your care or you abuse it by dangling it as some carrot and reminding the person over and over you are taking it away. Because I told my mother she can do what she wants with her money I am told clearly i don't care enough about money so she should not leave me much. If I did get upset she was doing unfair distribution she would say all I cared about was her money and that is why I visit. I visit because I am trying to do the right thing...sorry clearly I just rambled and made this all about me. Maybe I am the narcissist.

You’re not. You’re just trying to make sense of something that doesn’t make sense. It’s called spiraling. You’re the scapegoat...and it’s wrong. Totally unfair. Try to make peace with the fact you’ll never understand your parents behavior.

[Anonymous]

I was in a similar situation with my parents. My mother didn’t want to hire caregiving services for my dad who had many medical issues and trouble walking. She preferred to do it herself and have her children help whenever I could. They had the money to pay but didn’t feel comfortable having another unrelated person in their home all day.

I view it the same as how some parents prefer not a have an au pair or nanny taking care of their young children at their home. They feel more comfortable having a parent at home instead.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was in a similar situation with my parents. My mother didn’t want to hire caregiving services for my dad who had many medical issues and trouble walking. She preferred to do it herself and have her children help whenever I could. They had the money to pay but didn’t feel comfortable having another unrelated person in their home all day.

I view it the same as how some parents prefer not a have an au pair or nanny taking care of their young children at their home. They feel more comfortable having a parent at home instead.

Very true, but many grandparents would feel taken advantage of if their kids couldn't cope with a nanny in the house and expected them to fill in. And in those cases you are dealing with a sweet little baby who smiles and giggles and your kids are grown and it's quality time with your grandchild. In this case, you are often dealing a difficult and demanding parent, a resentful spouse and needy kids. So, you decide to bite the bullet and hire someone.

[Anonymous]

My grandparents did something similar and it was a legacy of the Great Depression. They saved every penny they could their entire adult lives and were left with a nice fortune at the end. Then my grandfather lived 7 years longer than the doctors said and had to have full time care in a top notch facility and the money started going. Still ended up with a hefty inheritance, but he wasn’t wrong in holding onto that money as long as he could.

Also, you sound ungrateful. Your parents put at least 18 years into raising you and you’re complaining about having to drive them somewhere?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My grandparents did something similar and it was a legacy of the Great Depression. They saved every penny they could their entire adult lives and were left with a nice fortune at the end. Then my grandfather lived 7 years longer than the doctors said and had to have full time care in a top notch facility and the money started going. Still ended up with a hefty inheritance, but he wasn’t wrong in holding onto that money as long as he could.

Also, you sound ungrateful. Your parents put at least 18 years into raising you and you’re complaining about having to drive them somewhere?

Not the OP you were responding to, but there is a difference between assisting an aging parent with your resources and being expected to handle everything in-person because the parent refuses help from others. We have the money to hire outside help, but are being told that No, we are the only ones who can be involved. It's a valid request from an aging parent, but let's not pretend it isn't unnecessarily exhausting to everyone else.

[Anonymous]

I helped my parents until the end. Couldn’t expect much because their minds were fading.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My grandparents did something similar and it was a legacy of the Great Depression. They saved every penny they could their entire adult lives and were left with a nice fortune at the end. Then my grandfather lived 7 years longer than the doctors said and had to have full time care in a top notch facility and the money started going. Still ended up with a hefty inheritance, but he wasn’t wrong in holding onto that money as long as he could.

Also, you sound ungrateful. Your parents put at least 18 years into raising you and you’re complaining about having to drive them somewhere?

Not the OP you were responding to, but there is a difference between assisting an aging parent with your resources and being expected to handle everything in-person because the parent refuses help from others. We have the money to hire outside help, but are being told that No, we are the only ones who can be involved. It's a valid request from an aging parent, but let's not pretend it isn't unnecessarily exhausting to everyone else.

This. It is 100 times more draining helping a parent who is difficult, than it is someone unrelated to you who is pleasant.

[Anonymous]

I have found myself in the role of caregiver for my paternal uncle whom I met when I was 48 years old (found thru DNA) and learned I am his closest living relative ( I have other siblings thru my bio father that I found around the same time, all geographically distant to my uncle and most younger than me). He has little or no interest in knowing most of my siblings or their children, especially if they are male. I have a younger sister he has known her whole life but they have never been close. My bio father died when I was 8 and we never knew each other, so I didn't know my uncle or their family. Grandparents are deceased, there were only the two sons, my bio father and uncle. He and his family are apparently financially well off. I have worked my whole life and my husband and I are comfortable with our lives. We have two teenage sons at home.
My uncle is VERY sexist, misogynistic and self centered. Very different then how I was raised, to help others when you can.
My uncle takes advantage of this in every possible way without regard to my husband, my sons, my job or me. He expects that I be his committed caregiver regardless of the cost to my family "because he's making arrangements to take care of me when he's gone." Great. Where dies that leave my family today?
He claims to not be able to hire professional cleaning at his home but will spend 15k on a classic car (he owns dozens) and has bought no less than 6 in the short time I have known him. He expects me to clean his home for the promise of what's to come, and at the expense of my own income.
He is disrespectful of my marriage; he asks me to join him for dinner and I tell him my husband also would like dinner and the invitation is withdrawn until I alone can go. If I bring my sons to meet him for a meal he makes the server split their meals off the bill and will pay for his and mine.
He insists on wearing only his underwear in my presence all the while exclaiming how cold he is.
He tells all his medical staff he is capable of taking care of himself but expects me to wait on him hand and foot. He tells people we are "playing husband and wife" when I accompany him for medical visits out of town that require overnight stays. He asks me to have romantic dinners with him, in those words. He once (one time only) invited my whole family out for a meal, to celebrate his closing of a business transaction. We all joined him and had an enjoyable meal at a reasonable restaurant. After the meal, my husband stepped away to the restroom and my uncle leaned into me and told me to consider the meal as a down-payment for a service I had already told him we couldn't do.
He really sets me on edge and I am very resentful. He refuses to accept a no from me and is indignant and petulant if I don't play along with the twisted antics and his very inappropriate jokes. He is less colorful in front of my husband, but he has no qualms when my husband is not present.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have found myself in the role of caregiver for my paternal uncle whom I met when I was 48 years old (found thru DNA) and learned I am his closest living relative ( I have other siblings thru my bio father that I found around the same time, all geographically distant to my uncle and most younger than me). He has little or no interest in knowing most of my siblings or their children, especially if they are male. I have a younger sister he has known her whole life but they have never been close. My bio father died when I was 8 and we never knew each other, so I didn't know my uncle or their family. Grandparents are deceased, there were only the two sons, my bio father and uncle. He and his family are apparently financially well off. I have worked my whole life and my husband and I are comfortable with our lives. We have two teenage sons at home.
My uncle is VERY sexist, misogynistic and self centered. Very different then how I was raised, to help others when you can.
My uncle takes advantage of this in every possible way without regard to my husband, my sons, my job or me. He expects that I be his committed caregiver regardless of the cost to my family "because he's making arrangements to take care of me when he's gone." Great. Where dies that leave my family today?
He claims to not be able to hire professional cleaning at his home but will spend 15k on a classic car (he owns dozens) and has bought no less than 6 in the short time I have known him. He expects me to clean his home for the promise of what's to come, and at the expense of my own income.
He is disrespectful of my marriage; he asks me to join him for dinner and I tell him my husband also would like dinner and the invitation is withdrawn until I alone can go. If I bring my sons to meet him for a meal he makes the server split their meals off the bill and will pay for his and mine.
He insists on wearing only his underwear in my presence all the while exclaiming how cold he is.
He tells all his medical staff he is capable of taking care of himself but expects me to wait on him hand and foot. He tells people we are "playing husband and wife" when I accompany him for medical visits out of town that require overnight stays. He asks me to have romantic dinners with him, in those words. He once (one time only) invited my whole family out for a meal, to celebrate his closing of a business transaction. We all joined him and had an enjoyable meal at a reasonable restaurant. After the meal, my husband stepped away to the restroom and my uncle leaned into me and told me to consider the meal as a down-payment for a service I had already told him we couldn't do.
He really sets me on edge and I am very resentful. He refuses to accept a no from me and is indignant and petulant if I don't play along with the twisted antics and his very inappropriate jokes. He is less colorful in front of my husband, but he has no qualms when my husband is not present.

He is gross. I would not tolerate the sexual innuendo. You should sever the relationship. You have no obligation to such a man.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have found myself in the role of caregiver for my paternal uncle whom I met when I was 48 years old (found thru DNA) and learned I am his closest living relative ( I have other siblings thru my bio father that I found around the same time, all geographically distant to my uncle and most younger than me). He has little or no interest in knowing most of my siblings or their children, especially if they are male. I have a younger sister he has known her whole life but they have never been close. My bio father died when I was 8 and we never knew each other, so I didn't know my uncle or their family. Grandparents are deceased, there were only the two sons, my bio father and uncle. He and his family are apparently financially well off. I have worked my whole life and my husband and I are comfortable with our lives. We have two teenage sons at home.
My uncle is VERY sexist, misogynistic and self centered. Very different then how I was raised, to help others when you can.
My uncle takes advantage of this in every possible way without regard to my husband, my sons, my job or me. He expects that I be his committed caregiver regardless of the cost to my family "because he's making arrangements to take care of me when he's gone." Great. Where dies that leave my family today?
He claims to not be able to hire professional cleaning at his home but will spend 15k on a classic car (he owns dozens) and has bought no less than 6 in the short time I have known him. He expects me to clean his home for the promise of what's to come, and at the expense of my own income.
He is disrespectful of my marriage; he asks me to join him for dinner and I tell him my husband also would like dinner and the invitation is withdrawn until I alone can go. If I bring my sons to meet him for a meal he makes the server split their meals off the bill and will pay for his and mine.
He insists on wearing only his underwear in my presence all the while exclaiming how cold he is.
He tells all his medical staff he is capable of taking care of himself but expects me to wait on him hand and foot. He tells people we are "playing husband and wife" when I accompany him for medical visits out of town that require overnight stays. He asks me to have romantic dinners with him, in those words. He once (one time only) invited my whole family out for a meal, to celebrate his closing of a business transaction. We all joined him and had an enjoyable meal at a reasonable restaurant. After the meal, my husband stepped away to the restroom and my uncle leaned into me and told me to consider the meal as a down-payment for a service I had already told him we couldn't do.
He really sets me on edge and I am very resentful. He refuses to accept a no from me and is indignant and petulant if I don't play along with the twisted antics and his very inappropriate jokes. He is less colorful in front of my husband, but he has no qualms when my husband is not present.

He is gross. I would not tolerate the sexual innuendo. You should sever the relationship. You have no obligation to such a man.

+1 This is disturbing behavior on his part. You need to distance yourself. This is an advertisement for NOT using those genetic testing services.

[Anonymous]

Not mine but DH's mom manipulated him and his siblings. They all gave up on her but he had too much of a sense of obligation. I think, he would do it all over if he had a do over even though he hated it.

[Anonymous]

I've been my mom's parent for as long as I can remember. She's now elderly, has several chronic diseases, my siblings and I support her financially. I don't mind doing things that she is unable to do for herself such as appeal an insurance claim, check and print her labs and messages from her doctor from the portal, do her taxes, etc. However, there's a lot she can take care of like call the doctor's office to make her appointments, send a text or email to my sister to ask her what dates work for her so I know what dates to buy the airline tickets, tell her doctor to send the prescription to the mail order pharmacy so I don't have to go and pick them up. She asks her doctor to send the prescription to CVS and tells me "don't worry about it, I'll take a cab." After she takes a cab, she tells how broke she is because she's had to take a cab several times in a week. The college student who babysits for me sometimes gives my mom a ride to the mall or to a friend's house, which I pay. It helps me so I don't mind paying for that but she waits for me to contact the babysitter, she won't do that herself. When we are around family and friends, she goes on and "oh my children are so wonderful and caring, they insist on doing everything." I'm completely worn out physically and emotionally. The emotional part is tough because she likes to remind me that when we were young, her full attention was to her children and that she feels sorry for my children because with my work and taking care of grandma, there's a lot according to my mom, that I'm not doing for my children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow, most people help their parents willingly and lovingly. Sorry you feel so used. They are old OP, maybe they didn’t feel comfortable trusting strangers in their home.

The OP Is being used. Being elderly doesn't mean you can walk around acting entitled and expecting your children to do everything when you can afford help. Most parents don't expect that from their children.