Did you ever feel taken advantage of by your elderly parents

[Anonymous]

My mother expects me to take care of them physically and pay for them. And I did it for years. Even when she took money from me and gave money to my brother, I did not say anything. Then I found they have a lot of money. It made me feel used.

[Anonymous]

Not OP but can so relate to this thread. I was the family scapegoat and am expected to do an pay for my elderly parent who has plenty of $ for help. My brother is the executor and the way the trust is structured it will not go through probate so I suspect he will take all assets. He is very money centric. He is much older than his current wife, not the mom of his kids, so my mom's estate will, in essence, go to that woman. My mom does not have a relationship with her but my brother is the golden child, so nothing will change. My mom is mean and manipulative and I have really stepped back. The result has been that she has finally accepted a HHA.

[Anonymous]

I do a ton for my parents. I have cut back on work hours.

However, they have already given me a large inheritance.

We now have full time care for both my parents at home. For both of them and given that they often need two on one care, it costs 250k per year. That’s pretty expensive. I can understand why most people are afraid of that expense.

I don’t think it’s a good idea for adult kids to cut back on work hours to do elder care unless it’s very very needed or short term or the adult kids don’t mind due to inheritance, etc. Howeber, many of the things you list are things I do for my parents even though they now have caregivers. I want ere for doctors visits. You don’t want other people shredding sensitive documents etc.

I do recommend you focus on your career.

Also, your moms anger might be dementia so try not to take it too personally.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m an only child doing all of the caregiving of both of my parents. They really don’t have the money for help, so it’s all on me. I do feel that sometimes they take advantage of me. For example, they now leave their dirty dishes lying around when they are able to put a plate or glass in the dishwasher. Things like that. And they never offer to help with a small task that I know that they can do, they just sit and watch me. It’s starting to get on my nerves some. I have had my own health issues and it’s been a tough few years. I keep trying to remember what all they did for me as a child and teenager. At times though, that’s not enough.

What you could do is have a conversation with them about your health issues requiring you to help only in certain ways from now on, big tasks only. The small tasks they will need to handle. Such as leave the dirty dishes sitting when you come over. If they ask you to take care of them, remind them "big tasks only" and get out the door.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have found myself in the role of caregiver for my paternal uncle whom I met when I was 48 years old (found thru DNA) and learned I am his closest living relative ( I have other siblings thru my bio father that I found around the same time, all geographically distant to my uncle and most younger than me). He has little or no interest in knowing most of my siblings or their children, especially if they are male. I have a younger sister he has known her whole life but they have never been close. My bio father died when I was 8 and we never knew each other, so I didn't know my uncle or their family. Grandparents are deceased, there were only the two sons, my bio father and uncle. He and his family are apparently financially well off. I have worked my whole life and my husband and I are comfortable with our lives. We have two teenage sons at home.
My uncle is VERY sexist, misogynistic and self centered. Very different then how I was raised, to help others when you can.
My uncle takes advantage of this in every possible way without regard to my husband, my sons, my job or me. He expects that I be his committed caregiver regardless of the cost to my family "because he's making arrangements to take care of me when he's gone." Great. Where dies that leave my family today?
He claims to not be able to hire professional cleaning at his home but will spend 15k on a classic car (he owns dozens) and has bought no less than 6 in the short time I have known him. He expects me to clean his home for the promise of what's to come, and at the expense of my own income.
He is disrespectful of my marriage; he asks me to join him for dinner and I tell him my husband also would like dinner and the invitation is withdrawn until I alone can go. If I bring my sons to meet him for a meal he makes the server split their meals off the bill and will pay for his and mine.
He insists on wearing only his underwear in my presence all the while exclaiming how cold he is.
He tells all his medical staff he is capable of taking care of himself but expects me to wait on him hand and foot. He tells people we are "playing husband and wife" when I accompany him for medical visits out of town that require overnight stays. He asks me to have romantic dinners with him, in those words. He once (one time only) invited my whole family out for a meal, to celebrate his closing of a business transaction. We all joined him and had an enjoyable meal at a reasonable restaurant. After the meal, my husband stepped away to the restroom and my uncle leaned into me and told me to consider the meal as a down-payment for a service I had already told him we couldn't do.
He really sets me on edge and I am very resentful. He refuses to accept a no from me and is indignant and petulant if I don't play along with the twisted antics and his very inappropriate jokes. He is less colorful in front of my husband, but he has no qualms when my husband is not present.

I don't usually respond this strongly but...what the holy hell? After the underwear and romantic dinners and the "playing husband and wife" incidents, WHY are you still seeing this person?? It sounds like there was a reason you didn't know about him. Your instincts are sending off major warning bells. Please pay attention to them and disconnect from this person.

[Anonymous]

You feel sour for not getting money. If I were her, would've given it to you but in your position, wouldn't have considered entitled to that.

[Anonymous]

I am currently in a situation where I take care of an elderly man, as his only daughter lives half the country away. It started out great and we became great friends. Or so I thought. It has reached a point lately where I spend my whole day and evening doing things for him instead of myself. And if it seems I have too much free time, then he will invent menial tasks. My wellbeing, mental health, rest and family life are non-existent in his thinking. It has now reached the point where I am going to pass off all responsibilities to someone else I find and leave him high and dry. I don't want hate or animosity in my heart so I must step away. He is used to me doing everything that he asks so this will hit him hard. He is going to be very upset, but honestly he should have thought about not taking me for granted at an earlier time. I could have been great for his end of life period, but now it's his loss

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am currently in a situation where I take care of an elderly man, as his only daughter lives half the country away. It started out great and we became great friends. Or so I thought. It has reached a point lately where I spend my whole day and evening doing things for him instead of myself. And if it seems I have too much free time, then he will invent menial tasks. My wellbeing, mental health, rest and family life are non-existent in his thinking. It has now reached the point where I am going to pass off all responsibilities to someone else I find and leave him high and dry. I don't want hate or animosity in my heart so I must step away. He is used to me doing everything that he asks so this will hit him hard. He is going to be very upset, but honestly he should have thought about not taking me for granted at an earlier time. I could have been great for his end of life period, but now it's his loss

I am so sorry. I hope this was a paid position. I know plenty of families and elders themselves think they can take advantage in paid positions too.

Sadly with age and brain deterioration you can not only deal with difficult behavior, but the empathy goes and they can become completely self-centered. People will try to guilt you with "You will be old someday too so you better..." The people I knew who did not set boundaries in extremely challenging situations that went on for years never reached that age. Some passed before the person they were helping, some within a few years after...even with the person in a facility, they felt too guilty to have boundaries around bad behavior and spread out the visits or work with the staff on med management. It's a balance and everyone needs to figure out their limits and not allow anyone to take advantage.

[Anonymous]

I wonder if some of what is contributing to the cluelessness/self centeredness of elderly parents is that we have all changed generational/familial structures. Between people living longer and having kids later, we have the sandwich generation.

Neither of my parents had to take care of their parents. For my dad, his dad died when he was young, and his mom died when I was a toddler. It was quick, too. He maybe saw her 1x/year. My mom lost her mom just after she had me, and her dad when I was 12, but again, she saw him 2x/year. He worked and lived independently and then one day had a heart attack and boom.

Now I'm in late middle age with tweens and teens, and we have 3 of 4 parents with us. MIL is 93 and wheelchair bound, partially blind and now getting deaf. Spouse runs errands for her 2-3x/week. Dad has parkinsons and no longer drives. Mom has dementia and heading for memory care soon. Both DH and I are the only ones to take care of these parents, even though we have siblings. We are flattened. When my mom was my age, she no longer had either kids or parents to take care of, remarried, and traveled and enjoyed her life. Same with my dad. But we are taking care of two generations, and no extended family.

I sometimes think the transformations in family life in later 20th/21st century has given many people opportunity but also wreaked havoc --there are not many multigenerational communities to help raise babies and take care of old people, and of course nothing is financially supported by gov unless you spiral all the way to medicaid. So we are stretched thin in ways that our elders have never experienced, and that's perhaps why they dont get it and can seem selfish and self centered, like my mom, who complains a lot that I dont take her to fun and interesting things (because we have weekly doctors, I work full time, kds actiities nightly-and sibling calls infrequently and has visited her 1x in 2.5 years but she complains to others about me, how I'm just too busy to care about my mother....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wonder if some of what is contributing to the cluelessness/self centeredness of elderly parents is that we have all changed generational/familial structures. Between people living longer and having kids later, we have the sandwich generation.

Neither of my parents had to take care of their parents. For my dad, his dad died when he was young, and his mom died when I was a toddler. It was quick, too. He maybe saw her 1x/year. My mom lost her mom just after she had me, and her dad when I was 12, but again, she saw him 2x/year. He worked and lived independently and then one day had a heart attack and boom.

Now I'm in late middle age with tweens and teens, and we have 3 of 4 parents with us. MIL is 93 and wheelchair bound, partially blind and now getting deaf. Spouse runs errands for her 2-3x/week. Dad has parkinsons and no longer drives. Mom has dementia and heading for memory care soon. Both DH and I are the only ones to take care of these parents, even though we have siblings. We are flattened. When my mom was my age, she no longer had either kids or parents to take care of, remarried, and traveled and enjoyed her life. Same with my dad. But we are taking care of two generations, and no extended family.

I sometimes think the transformations in family life in later 20th/21st century has given many people opportunity but also wreaked havoc --there are not many multigenerational communities to help raise babies and take care of old people, and of course nothing is financially supported by gov unless you spiral all the way to medicaid. So we are stretched thin in ways that our elders have never experienced, and that's perhaps why they dont get it and can seem selfish and self centered, like my mom, who complains a lot that I dont take her to fun and interesting things (because we have weekly doctors, I work full time, kds actiities nightly-and sibling calls infrequently and has visited her 1x in 2.5 years but she complains to others about me, how I'm just too busy to care about my mother....

Isn’t it ironic, the parents who never bothered with our grandparents (their parents) who now complain that our generation isn’t doing enough? My mom took us to visit my grandfather twice a year even though he just lived an hour away. She expects people to take care of her all the time, nothing is ever enough, and the guilt tripping begins.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wonder if some of what is contributing to the cluelessness/self centeredness of elderly parents is that we have all changed generational/familial structures. Between people living longer and having kids later, we have the sandwich generation.

Neither of my parents had to take care of their parents. For my dad, his dad died when he was young, and his mom died when I was a toddler. It was quick, too. He maybe saw her 1x/year. My mom lost her mom just after she had me, and her dad when I was 12, but again, she saw him 2x/year. He worked and lived independently and then one day had a heart attack and boom.

Now I'm in late middle age with tweens and teens, and we have 3 of 4 parents with us. MIL is 93 and wheelchair bound, partially blind and now getting deaf. Spouse runs errands for her 2-3x/week. Dad has parkinsons and no longer drives. Mom has dementia and heading for memory care soon. Both DH and I are the only ones to take care of these parents, even though we have siblings. We are flattened. When my mom was my age, she no longer had either kids or parents to take care of, remarried, and traveled and enjoyed her life. Same with my dad. But we are taking care of two generations, and no extended family.

I sometimes think the transformations in family life in later 20th/21st century has given many people opportunity but also wreaked havoc --there are not many multigenerational communities to help raise babies and take care of old people, and of course nothing is financially supported by gov unless you spiral all the way to medicaid. So we are stretched thin in ways that our elders have never experienced, and that's perhaps why they dont get it and can seem selfish and self centered, like my mom, who complains a lot that I dont take her to fun and interesting things (because we have weekly doctors, I work full time, kds actiities nightly-and sibling calls infrequently and has visited her 1x in 2.5 years but she complains to others about me, how I'm just too busy to care about my mother....

Isn’t it ironic, the parents who never bothered with our grandparents (their parents) who now complain that our generation isn’t doing enough? My mom took us to visit my grandfather twice a year even though he just lived an hour away. She expects people to take care of her all the time, nothing is ever enough, and the guilt tripping begins.

It may be generational or it may be particular to who they are - though I do think the transformations in family/work life from the mid-60s onwards does contribute to the challenges for parents/adult children not living in the same town.

DH was great with my parents, telling me never to worry about money with them. We were lucky that we never had to shell out a lot but my parents were able to get into great nonprofit nursing homes under Medicaid - feels nearly impossible today when I talk with some folks.

My MiL is not cutting back on her spending and also has no intention of living her last years as my parents did. I don’t blame her but it is hard to see her just spend money because her son will take care of her. I’m not sure he fully grasps how costly it may be.

[Anonymous]

My mother came to visit us for a couple of months, but is still with us due to multiple medical issues almost 10 months later. She has not offered once to pitch in for groceries or anything, but demands that only certain foods will be bought for her. Today she refuses to eat microwaved sweet potato (because it was microwaved and not cooked in a way she liked it). She is unable to cook on doctor’s orders, but does it when we’re not home. I am like, if you don’t like our free hotel, move somewhere else. I am so done!!!!!!

[Anonymous]

By my mom? Never. By my dad? Absolutely, all the time.

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry, OP. Please take care of yourself and your children. Remember: the best revenge is LIVING WELL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:By my mom? Never. By my dad? Absolutely, all the time.

Are you me?