Did you ever feel taken advantage of by your elderly parents

[Anonymous]

I knew my parents were savers, but I know how medical care, residential care, etc can eat up money quickly so I was willing to help them to ease their anxiety. I did a lot of menial work like sorting junk, shredding old tax papers, driving as needed since one was unable to, visiting often to check on their wellbeing and give the care-giving one a break. I am married with kids and was forever reducing hours between my own family obligations (one with special needs) and then trying to support my parents some. Finally it was too much and I convinced mom to hire help. She complained incessantly about the cost and guilt tripped me often.

Well turns out they were sitting on a fortune....like not only could they afford care, but they could afford to be at a top notch residential with plenty to spare. Mom is so angry that I have pulled away more than she is threatening not to leave us much if anything and that is her choice and I tell her that. She is already planning to give a lot to charities where she can put her name on things and feel special (nothing helping those with less privilege). Again, her choice. What infuriates me is not only that I was stupid enough to buy into the financial fears and think they were real, but that they really don't value caregiving at all. She complained endlessly about the price in part because she considers it worth nothing. I pulled away because I saw the more I did, the less it was appreciated and the more I felt used.It is mind boggling to me she will give money to something that benefits nobody in need, but she didn't think an aide, a case manager or whatever deserved their salary. Sadly this has tainted my whole view of them. My brother and sister stayed away from this mess, didn't help and are now considered the good ones. She even gave them some generous financial gifts. Again, her choice, but wow, I was an idiot!

[Anonymous]

I forgot to make clear I reduced work hours. Also, the help I did for my parents was of course free, so i was making less money and feeling more used.

It is my own fault. I should have at least figured out if their financial concerns were real, though I am not sure how.

I also have to say I am pretty disgusted that mom nickle and dimed dad's care until I pushed hard enough and since he has been gone she is now miss money bags. It is to the point I can't remember the good things. Everything is tainted by the fact I feel duped and unappreciated.

[Anonymous]

reason of "love" is in there somewhere.

[Anonymous]

Was this often the dynamic with you and your mom?

[Anonymous]

I am sorry. I am in a similar situation with my parents. Their judgement of financial risk versus value of caregiving/ support is definitely skewed. I think it part of the impaired decision making that often comes with age. My parents are also watching tv news all day everyday, so all conversations are about politics. Fortunately they are liberal, but the extreme talking points on that side are tiring when it is all they can talk about.

I have started giving them assignments and scheduling what I will be doing when I am there helping. This structure is helping some. At least I feel I am being productive.

My SN kids are also seeing that they can help with stuff like yard work, so there is value in modeling that we help our loved ones.

Some jobs though I am just insisting we have to hire help.

[Anonymous]

Wow, most people help their parents willingly and lovingly. Sorry you feel so used. They are old OP, maybe they didn’t feel comfortable trusting strangers in their home.

[Anonymous]

I just read somewhere that the menial labor and caregiving is not valued. And the more you do the less YOU are valued. The kids who do less are thought if more highly, I’m thinking because the elder still has rosy outdated views if who they thought they were.

This is the dynamic in a lot families and most of the other ones have separated this early on. This may not be helpful to you now; but instead of reducing hours/salary to personally care for aging parents, the advice is to use the “extra” money to hire help if it’s possible, which helps preserve the parent-offspring relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just read somewhere that the menial labor and caregiving is not valued. And the more you do the less YOU are valued. The kids who do less are thought if more highly, I’m thinking because the elder still has rosy outdated views if who they thought they were.

This is the dynamic in a lot families and most of the other ones have separated this early on. This may not be helpful to you now; but instead of reducing hours/salary to personally care for aging parents, the advice is to use the “extra” money to hire help if it’s possible, which helps preserve the parent-offspring relationship.

OP here. It took me too long to figure this out, but this is advice I would give to anyone and I will use it with my mother. It's a lot easier to appreciate your final years with someone when they aren't bossing you around and treating you like a servant FOR FREE. I would much rather visit, see a nice aide there who is well paid and leave on a positive note when it's time to end the visit while skipping the aide a nice tip for doing the hard labor.

[Anonymous]

Sorry slipping a tip to the aide not skipping! Caregivers should be paid well, especially if the person is difficult.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:reason of "love" is in there somewhere.

OP here . Not sure if you are trying to be rude, but love is why I did all I did and I certainly did not receive kindness and loving treatment back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow, most people help their parents willingly and lovingly. Sorry you feel so used. They are old OP, maybe they didn’t feel comfortable trusting strangers in their home.

OP here. Wow it's easy to be on your high horse if you either did caregiving for a kind parent or didn't do the caregiving and got to just enjoy pleasant interactions. I think if you have never been treated like crap by someone it's easy to judge. You really should be more respectful to the people who do the real work for their families and need to vent about how poorly they get treated in return.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am sorry. I am in a similar situation with my parents. Their judgement of financial risk versus value of caregiving/ support is definitely skewed. I think it part of the impaired decision making that often comes with age. My parents are also watching tv news all day everyday, so all conversations are about politics. Fortunately they are liberal, but the extreme talking points on that side are tiring when it is all they can talk about.

I have started giving them assignments and scheduling what I will be doing when I am there helping. This structure is helping some. At least I feel I am being productive.

My SN kids are also seeing that they can help with stuff like yard work, so there is value in modeling that we help our loved ones.

Some jobs though I am just insisting we have to hire help.

OP here. This is a good idea! Thanks.

[Anonymous]

Did you tell her all you did and the reduced hours, etc?

[Anonymous]

I understand, OP. You’re lucky that your Mom has financial resources that you can tap to pay for help. Your Mom may not want to spend it on hiring help, but the money is there if you have to use it.

My parent has done no financial planning whatsoever and now I’m stuck trying to figure out how to pay the bills. Too much income/assets for Medicaid but not really enough to afford care. I’m the only family member who cares enough to try to help. Years of procrastination and lack of planning mean the burden is now on me since there’s no one else to do it. On the bright side, dealing with this has made me resolve to not leave a mess for my own kids to deal with.

[Anonymous]

For my parents I didn't do a lot. I went to their house (1 hour drive one way) and checked in on them once or twice a month, as did my other siblings, plus other extended relatives, so they had regular visitors. My mom pulled a major screwy move (obviously influenced by golden child) that convinced me not to get involved in her care. I let the golden child get stuck with the work. Golden child not amused, but them's the breaks when you screw with your siblings. I would have been happy to help otherwise. A lot harder to go this route if you have a small family.