How do you get over being ostracized from a group?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP it would help me to understand how mean these mean girls really are if you could paraphrase what they were saying - but I realize that may be too painful.

Were they saying you have a funny laugh and they are so tired of you and Jon fighting every time the group got together? Sometimes friends gossip and it's not always flattering but it may not be mean spirited. Of course you are entitled to your feelings, and different people have different levels of sensitivity to such things.

It wasn't just women. I wouldn't categorize them as mean girls. Maybe some of them. The things they said were not idle gossip. Some of them were flat out lies (saying I'd said things I never said), or ascribing terrible motivations to things I done or said (like "She skipped Karen's party because she was trying to punish Karen for something " when I'd skipped that party because... I was out of town for work). They were taking normal or innocuous things about me and turning them into examples of how boring or stupid or uptight I was. Multiple people also talked about my appearance in a very hurtful way (is there a non-hurtful way to gossip about a friend's appearance?).

If it had just been the group who it turned out never liked me, I would have been hurt but not humiliated. What pushed it over the edge for me was discovering that people I was very close to and had confided in were saying the same stuff, in a way that made it sound like they thought I was awful. Like imagine if you overheard your best friend or a sibling making jokes about you behind your back with someone who barely knows you and hates you. It was not innocent gossip. I have engaged in the kind of gossip you are referring to. It was was like Heathers-level cruelty, but from adults with mortgages and kids and stuff.

[Anonymous]

I know it’s hokey but try visualization/manifest exercises of you surrounded by lots of sincere friends.

[Anonymous]

Do you think you were added on purpose to this email?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you think you were added on purpose to this email?

No.

[Anonymous]

Did you let them know about the email?

[Anonymous]

OP, the Queen Bees might be agitated by the COVD situation. That type of "personality" (ie: lack of) doesn't do well unless they are stirring the pot (whether or not they admit it, and whether or not they make it obvious - that is part of the gaslighting). All the more reason to stay away and make your own friends, which should be a piece of cake, now that you know what rotten people look like.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP it would help me to understand how mean these mean girls really are if you could paraphrase what they were saying - but I realize that may be too painful.

Were they saying you have a funny laugh and they are so tired of you and Jon fighting every time the group got together? Sometimes friends gossip and it's not always flattering but it may not be mean spirited. Of course you are entitled to your feelings, and different people have different levels of sensitivity to such things.

It wasn't just women. I wouldn't categorize them as mean girls. Maybe some of them. The things they said were not idle gossip. Some of them were flat out lies (saying I'd said things I never said), or ascribing terrible motivations to things I done or said (like "She skipped Karen's party because she was trying to punish Karen for something " when I'd skipped that party because... I was out of town for work). They were taking normal or innocuous things about me and turning them into examples of how boring or stupid or uptight I was. Multiple people also talked about my appearance in a very hurtful way (is there a non-hurtful way to gossip about a friend's appearance?).

If it had just been the group who it turned out never liked me, I would have been hurt but not humiliated. What pushed it over the edge for me was discovering that people I was very close to and had confided in were saying the same stuff, in a way that made it sound like they thought I was awful. Like imagine if you overheard your best friend or a sibling making jokes about you behind your back with someone who barely knows you and hates you. It was not innocent gossip. I have engaged in the kind of gossip you are referring to. It was was like Heathers-level cruelty, but from adults with mortgages and kids and stuff.

Yup. These people never grow up. OP. Ever. Why would you expect them to tell the truth? Ask yourself that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That’s terrible OP. This happened to me as a high schooler and it was pretty traumatic. I basically wanted to sleep and not wake up. School became hell. I was very lonely and everyone thought these horrible things about me that weren’t even true... it is so hurtful to have your trust breached that way.

However, although I couldn’t see it then, it was actually a huge gift to me from the universe. I ended up getting closer with another group of friends (who were already my friends but on a more casual level). That group was always inviting me out but I often chose the more “popular” group. Shame on me. The popular group betrayed me, while this other group? Once I started spending more time with them, I wondered why I ever even bothered with the first group. They are still my very beloved best friends more than 20 years later.

Sending hugs, OP. Take it day by day. Spend time with other friends and learn to enjoy being alone if you don’t already. This whole situation says more about them than you. If you were truly doing something wrong, real friends would have come to you, instead of talking behind your back.

Thank you for your kindness. I'm really sorry this happened to you but glad you got some wonderful friends in the end. I am incredibly grateful for the friends I have in my life now and I'm really glad I maintained these friendships because I don't know where I would be without them now. I know it's a different situation because the ages are different, but I can relate to your comments about the "popular" group. It's not that this group was more popular, they were just very social. So it was very hard to lose my entire social life in one fell swoop. I like your advice in finding ways to enjoy time alone. At first that was really hard but Covid has made it feel a little easier. Thanks again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This happened to me!! It was huge, ugly, blindsiding, crushing.

Here is what I did OP:
- Therapy
- Remove/block on social media
- Throw myself into exercise. Good happy brain chemicals plus looking good is always a great revenge
- Threw myself into working on my career. Great reminder of how those people were just one part of my identity
- Threw myself into my hobbies. See above: Here's a whole other part of me that is another facet of my identity to build and strengthen
- Travel! Nothing like being several states away in the woods to put those people in perspective, ie, make them feel as small and irrelevant as they are

keep going, keep going, keep going.

I too was in an extremely dark place about it for a long time.
And then eventually: I wasn't

Op here. Thank you. This is good advice and I will take it. I am so glad to hear that you came out the other side. It gives me hope.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP it would help me to understand how mean these mean girls really are if you could paraphrase what they were saying - but I realize that may be too painful.

Were they saying you have a funny laugh and they are so tired of you and Jon fighting every time the group got together? Sometimes friends gossip and it's not always flattering but it may not be mean spirited. Of course you are entitled to your feelings, and different people have different levels of sensitivity to such things.

It wasn't just women. I wouldn't categorize them as mean girls. Maybe some of them. The things they said were not idle gossip. Some of them were flat out lies (saying I'd said things I never said), or ascribing terrible motivations to things I done or said (like "She skipped Karen's party because she was trying to punish Karen for something " when I'd skipped that party because... I was out of town for work). They were taking normal or innocuous things about me and turning them into examples of how boring or stupid or uptight I was. Multiple people also talked about my appearance in a very hurtful way (is there a non-hurtful way to gossip about a friend's appearance?).

If it had just been the group who it turned out never liked me, I would have been hurt but not humiliated. What pushed it over the edge for me was discovering that people I was very close to and had confided in were saying the same stuff, in a way that made it sound like they thought I was awful. Like imagine if you overheard your best friend or a sibling making jokes about you behind your back with someone who barely knows you and hates you. It was not innocent gossip. I have engaged in the kind of gossip you are referring to. It was was like Heathers-level cruelty, but from adults with mortgages and kids and stuff.

I am so sorry, OP. This is so insanely hurtful and I’d feel the same way. As an outsider looking in though, this group is TOXIC. These people sound not only exhausting but cruel and mean and just reading your posts made my stomach hurt. Honestly - being free’d from this group of lunatics is a gift from the universe. Forget all about them. They will surely pick a new victim if they haven’t already. What a sad, pathetic bunch of losers.

I think you’ve done all the right things in regards to social media. Just keep on keeping on. Take care of your friendships with your old friends, those are the most genuine in my experience.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This happened to me!! It was huge, ugly, blindsiding, crushing.

Here is what I did OP:
- Therapy
- Remove/block on social media
- Throw myself into exercise. Good happy brain chemicals plus looking good is always a great revenge
- Threw myself into working on my career. Great reminder of how those people were just one part of my identity
- Threw myself into my hobbies. See above: Here's a whole other part of me that is another facet of my identity to build and strengthen
- Travel! Nothing like being several states away in the woods to put those people in perspective, ie, make them feel as small and irrelevant as they are

keep going, keep going, keep going.

I too was in an extremely dark place about it for a long time.
And then eventually: I wasn't

NP - this is such solid advice. I've been there too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP it would help me to understand how mean these mean girls really are if you could paraphrase what they were saying - but I realize that may be too painful.

Were they saying you have a funny laugh and they are so tired of you and Jon fighting every time the group got together? Sometimes friends gossip and it's not always flattering but it may not be mean spirited. Of course you are entitled to your feelings, and different people have different levels of sensitivity to such things.

It wasn't just women. I wouldn't categorize them as mean girls. Maybe some of them. The things they said were not idle gossip. Some of them were flat out lies (saying I'd said things I never said), or ascribing terrible motivations to things I done or said (like "She skipped Karen's party because she was trying to punish Karen for something " when I'd skipped that party because... I was out of town for work). They were taking normal or innocuous things about me and turning them into examples of how boring or stupid or uptight I was. Multiple people also talked about my appearance in a very hurtful way (is there a non-hurtful way to gossip about a friend's appearance?).

If it had just been the group who it turned out never liked me, I would have been hurt but not humiliated. What pushed it over the edge for me was discovering that people I was very close to and had confided in were saying the same stuff, in a way that made it sound like they thought I was awful. Like imagine if you overheard your best friend or a sibling making jokes about you behind your back with someone who barely knows you and hates you. It was not innocent gossip. I have engaged in the kind of gossip you are referring to. It was was like Heathers-level cruelty, but from adults with mortgages and kids and stuff.

I am so sorry, OP. This is so insanely hurtful and I’d feel the same way. As an outsider looking in though, this group is TOXIC. These people sound not only exhausting but cruel and mean and just reading your posts made my stomach hurt. Honestly - being free’d from this group of lunatics is a gift from the universe. Forget all about them. They will surely pick a new victim if they haven’t already. What a sad, pathetic bunch of losers.

I think you’ve done all the right things in regards to social media. Just keep on keeping on. Take care of your friendships with your old friends, those are the most genuine in my experience.

+1

Totally agree. OP, not to be blunt, but ask yourself why you really care about these toxic losers? If they do it with you, they will do it to you, for sure. They deserve each other! You deserve real and kind people, actual friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP it would help me to understand how mean these mean girls really are if you could paraphrase what they were saying - but I realize that may be too painful.

Were they saying you have a funny laugh and they are so tired of you and Jon fighting every time the group got together? Sometimes friends gossip and it's not always flattering but it may not be mean spirited. Of course you are entitled to your feelings, and different people have different levels of sensitivity to such things.

It wasn't just women. I wouldn't categorize them as mean girls. Maybe some of them. The things they said were not idle gossip. Some of them were flat out lies (saying I'd said things I never said), or ascribing terrible motivations to things I done or said (like "She skipped Karen's party because she was trying to punish Karen for something " when I'd skipped that party because... I was out of town for work). They were taking normal or innocuous things about me and turning them into examples of how boring or stupid or uptight I was. Multiple people also talked about my appearance in a very hurtful way (is there a non-hurtful way to gossip about a friend's appearance?).

If it had just been the group who it turned out never liked me, I would have been hurt but not humiliated. What pushed it over the edge for me was discovering that people I was very close to and had confided in were saying the same stuff, in a way that made it sound like they thought I was awful. Like imagine if you overheard your best friend or a sibling making jokes about you behind your back with someone who barely knows you and hates you. It was not innocent gossip. I have engaged in the kind of gossip you are referring to. It was was like Heathers-level cruelty, but from adults with mortgages and kids and stuff.

I am so sorry, OP. This is so insanely hurtful and I’d feel the same way. As an outsider looking in though, this group is TOXIC. These people sound not only exhausting but cruel and mean and just reading your posts made my stomach hurt. Honestly - being free’d from this group of lunatics is a gift from the universe. Forget all about them. They will surely pick a new victim if they haven’t already. What a sad, pathetic bunch of losers.

I think you’ve done all the right things in regards to social media. Just keep on keeping on. Take care of your friendships with your old friends, those are the most genuine in my experience.

OP here. That is so kind, thank you. I know you are right and I try to remind myself often that knowing what I know now, it's clear these people were not true friends. I always imagine them in my head just happily being friends and loving each other, but you're right that they probably still have tons of drama and backstabbing going on because it's not like their behavior towards me came out of nowhere. Thank you for reminding me of that!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As someone who has embarrassingly enough been on both sides of this kind of thing I don’t understand how it could happen in a group of 40. Can you get more detail? Were there literally 40 people on this email chain? I just can’t fathom everyone totally turning their backs on you. It doesn’t make sense.

Details please. What happened to you? Good and bad. Both sides. Plenty of time to hear what happened, don’t leave any details out. I just made fresh popcorn . Seriously though. I’m curious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That sounds like a huge blow that would hurt anyone for years, and for years to come.

I know this will be unpopular advice, but if I were in your shoes, I would reply to the chain email, tell everyone how deeply hurt you were to read it to the point that you contemplated suicide, that you cherished their friendship and that you have moved on but you will never, ever forget their callous and hurtful behavior.

I would hit send and then forget about them. You will never really get over this, and it would be helpful to you and to them to let them have a bit of a souvenir of what they've done to another human being. (I usually advocate for taking the high road, but I think in this case hitting send on that email would be healing for you.)

+1
These people should know, understand, and absorb what it means to gossip. People should never write things they would not say to someone's face. There's a lot of times people get out of control and forget there is an actual person behind the gossip. People should understand what it's like to be in your shoes. Do what PP said.