Reply to How do you get over being ostracized from a group?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]As someone who has embarrassingly enough been on both sides of this kind of thing I don’t understand how it could happen in a group of 40. Can you get more detail? Were there literally 40 people on this email chain? I just can’t fathom everyone totally turning their backs on you. It doesn’t make sense.[/quote]

No, there were only a handful of people on the chain. And I don't know if everyone in the group turned their backs on me. I just know that there was a group of people (like maybe 8 people) who didn't like me and were talking about me behind my back, and that some of my closest friends (specifically 3, but there were a few others as well) joined in and started doing it too. And I know it went on for a long time and that it was serious enough that people went to great lengths to keep it from me or to make sure I didn't know about certain things.

I have no idea what the other people in the group even know about it, beyond the fact that they obviously know I'm not around anymore and left Facebook. I had more casual friendships with them and some of them I barely knew at all beyond just being friendly at parties and stuff. When things went bad with the others, I lost communication with those folks because (1) I had no idea if they even liked me or not because of everything that happened, and (2) I didn't really know most of them well enough to reach out on my own, especially because it's not like I'd be reaching out to say "hey what's up let's hang out" at that point.[/quote]

Like other PPs have stated, OP - there are maybe 1-4 "Queen Bees" that are dictating what the others do, because the others do not want to meet their wrath (see: what they did to you).  Now, what they did to you is based on a false premise, and you and they know this, BUT the others still do not want to be next.  They know that the "Queen Bee"'s identity and existence relies on choosing a "subject" and cutting her down, even if not one of the things said about the subject (in this case, at this particular moment, until someone else comes along - that "subject" is you) is true.  Not one.  Usually, what will happen is the "Queen Bee/s" will pick something they hate about themselves (ie "SHE doesn't get along with ANY one!!!" - notice the over exclamation, often referred to as hyperbole, but might be said about you instead of them - who really are the ones who don't get along with any one, based on their history - the history that precedes them.)

Point being, the deflection is real.  These people need help, not you.  You aren't the one who has a visceral need to ostracize another human being for basically no reason but existing.  Tell us, maybe you make them look bad?  Maybe you call them out for the shallow, pompous asses that they really are?  Maybe they don't want you around, because as long as you are around - outsiders will know the dirty truth about them?  I don't think any of this is far fetched, at all - mostly because it happens all the time, in "the best" neighborhoods.  They don't. Even. Like. Each other. I don't even think men know better, or see it, for the most part, they just get fed one side - sometimes they believe what they want because (for example) the (Queen Bee) wife's family has the money, and he know she better shut it, if he ever wants to see any of it.  Sometimes men are just really stupid and naive, and don't know any better.

Anyway, what awful, terrible, insane people think of you is none of your business.  Besides, these are NO ONE's friends, OP.  Friends are not people you hang out with, to avoid being their target.  My God, does that sound AT ALL healthy to you?  I am sure you know better.  Make your own friends, who are not shallow and disgusting excuses for human beings - who don't gaslight and say things you never said or did. Back away slowly, and watch karma fall in place.  Because it will. [/quote]

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