Reply to If you’ve been with your partner for 12-20 + years & have kids

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[quote=Anonymous][quote]

OP here. We have sex 1-2 a week, which I wouldn't say is infrequent for being together for 20 years and having 3 kids.

The thing is, I often feel like we are more like "business partners"/best friends than we are lovers, if you know what I mean? I listen to the podcast Girls Gotta Eat a lot. The hosts are in their thirties and they talk about sex and relationships. They mostly focus on the dating end of relationships but the way they talk about it often makes me miss that period of life. They're always talking about how they want someone to "excite" them every day and "light them up."

We have sex because it feels good and there is an expectation that you need to be having sex at least once a week in order to have a strong marriage. But it's not like either of us is really dying to rip the other's clothes off anymore. He gets in that mood more often than me but it's not a daily thing for him either anymore.

Idk. We love each other and we love our family. We're comfortable together. We trust and respect each other. We talk a lot and remember to verbally appreciate small acts of kindness. But I wouldn't say he excites me anymore.

I don't think we're doing a good job of keeping the "spark" alive. We have really great sex but in between we're more like business partners dealing with our joint project which is our house and family.

Does anyone else relate to this? I feel like we're doing something wrong.[/quote]

This sounds like my marriage. In the scheme of things, I think I have it pretty good. We get along well, enjoy the family and life we’ve built together, and love and support each other. That said, I get lonely and sad at times and wish DH and I could actually enjoy and have fun with each other in a way we just don’t right now And haven’t for a while. A big part is that DH isn’t really a “fun” type. I’ve kind of given up on doing anything about it right now because it feels like one more thing on my already full plate and DH seems absolutely content with our once weekly sex (he’s always been pretty low drive) and going our separate ways after the kids go to bed most nights. I’m hoping at some point we might enter a new phase but for now I just try to appreciate what we do have. At least it’s better than the conflict in some of my friend and siblings’ marriages. As a business partner he’s a total catch at least.[/quote]

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