Daughter (16) saying that life is boring, has no purpose, is work

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like your daughter has very good intuition and is very smart. She recognizes that life isn’t full of a bowl of cherries and things don’t come easy. She likely will not be one of those college bound students that pursues a worthless degree simply just to breeze through college. Hopefully she will find out what is her passion that will fulfill her happiness and hopefully pay well.

Actually the ones who “choose their passion” I.e. art, art history, history are the ones who end up as baristas.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My 20 year has been saying this for at least 3 years. We have a good life, but he sees us a working nonstop to maintain it with little time for anything truly pleasurable in between. Can’t blame him, from the time kids his age starts kindergarten we start apply pressure to prepare them to deal with a competitive work world. And social media has speed up the growing up process, robbing them of their innocence. Is it any wonder that they feel unmotivated by life

I grew up watching my parents go through this. They worked in high-paying but soul-sucking corporate jobs for 35+ years. I remember my dad having panic attacks in the middle of the night over having to go to work the next day. He would often come home and take his stress out on everyone else. I remember my mom crying hysterically and getting physically ill over work stress. She sometimes would work 18 hour days and would often not even have time to watch 30 minutes of TV with me at night. In their minimal spare time, they would work on the house and yard to make sure that everything looked perfect. Although they are both retired now, sadly they can't even enjoy retirement because my mom was diagnosed with Stage 4 cancer back in 2018 at age 58. My dad spends most of his time bringing her to appointments and taking care of the house, because my mom goes crazy and yells if anything is out of sorts in the slightest. You would think that having cancer would have taught her not to sweat the small stuff, but it only made her compulsiveness worse.

Seeing their behavior led me to realize from the time I was your DD's age that my goal was not going to be material wealth and a high-status career but to be happy. My teaching job will never pay as much as their jobs did or have as much prestige, but at least I don't dread going to work and am helping people. Life is too short for a rat race and obsessing with perfection. My mom's illness has made me realize that even more. There's an increased chance I could get the same kind of cancer as her. My life may already be half over. Therefore, I sure as hell am not going to waste it in a job I hate and am only in for the money.

I'm so sorry to hear that your mom got sick. Wishing your family the best.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I totally agree that this is normal behavior for a teen of today. Aside from school, they often have no obligation to do anything but amuse themselves. They have rivers of time and privilege. There is nothing for them to look forward to because they chafe under few constraints. Adulthood will bring professional stress and financial obligation but no corresponding freedom. If you are not extremely adventurous or ambitious by nature, why would you look forward to taking on "boring" responsibilities? Mom and Dad already provide a comfortable existence with every imaginable luxury.

This is a good point.

One thing that motivated me as a teenager was just to get a place to live where I wouldn't have to share one bathroom with four other people.

I would have here see a therapist. Maybe read Man's Search for Meaning. She sounds somewhat philosophical and intelligent.

[Anonymous]

Remember Mellancamp’s first big hit? Hold onto sixteen as long as you can....life goes on, long after the thrill of living is gone.

Back in the day when people learned the Baltimore Cathecism (or similar), kids were taught the purpose of life is to serve God. Other religions and cultures had similar views—that the purpose of life was to serve others, or be useful. Now, we frame everything in terms of “But are you happy?” I think if that is your life goal, it is a really hard life. Yes, moments of happiness are important. But chasing happiness as a state of being is perhaps not realistic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Remember Mellancamp’s first big hit? Hold onto sixteen as long as you can....life goes on, long after the thrill of living is gone.

Back in the day when people learned the Baltimore Cathecism (or similar), kids were taught the purpose of life is to serve God. Other religions and cultures had similar views—that the purpose of life was to serve others, or be useful. Now, we frame everything in terms of “But are you happy?” I think if that is your life goal, it is a really hard life. Yes, moments of happiness are important. But chasing happiness as a state of being is perhaps not realistic.

Not only is it not realistic, it's impossible.

OP, I'm sad for your daughter. I bet she has everything in the world in terms of material goods, plus wealth and privilege. And yet, at an age that should be filled with optimism and hope and idealism, she says that life is boring and has no purpose. The "life is work" line is also problematic; since when is "work" a bad thing?

This PP is right. She needs to have her soul fed. As I hope that you and she eventually find out, that can only be done through a relationship with God.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She isn't having suicidal thoughts and has never had them, but has been saying that life is boring, has no purpose, and is work.

She says that now is the best and most fortunate part of her life (being young, parents healthy, not having to work full-time) and says that life will only get worse as an adult: work, housework, little free time, losing family members, and possibly raising kids before old age, health issues, and mortality.

She has many close friends, does well academically, and participated in several activities outside of school before COVID. She saw a therapist for depression and ADHD from ages 12-14, but has not needed to for the past 2 years until now. I suggested seeing a therapist again, but she doesn't think it will help.

DH grew up low-income and believes that she is only feeling this way because she has a privileged life and that this is a problem for rich people. He pointed out that many people around the world live in poverty, work dangerous and low-paying jobs, or/and have health issues. He said that we should ignore this if it goes on. I feel that he is being overly harsh.

Is this typical for her age or indicative of something more serious? Should I be doing anything other than encouraging her to see a therapist?

Your post is kind of sad. Does your daughter have friends from all walks of life? Do you have laughter in the home? Does your daughter do volunteer work?
Your daughter appears to have a very rigid perception of life which is pretty sad. I do not think this is typical of a 16 year old.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She isn't having suicidal thoughts and has never had them, but has been saying that life is boring, has no purpose, and is work.

She says that now is the best and most fortunate part of her life (being young, parents healthy, not having to work full-time) and says that life will only get worse as an adult: work, housework, little free time, losing family members, and possibly raising kids before old age, health issues, and mortality.

She has many close friends, does well academically, and participated in several activities outside of school before COVID. She saw a therapist for depression and ADHD from ages 12-14, but has not needed to for the past 2 years until now. I suggested seeing a therapist again, but she doesn't think it will help.

DH grew up low-income and believes that she is only feeling this way because she has a privileged life and that this is a problem for rich people. He pointed out that many people around the world live in poverty, work dangerous and low-paying jobs, or/and have health issues. He said that we should ignore this if it goes on. I feel that he is being overly harsh.

Is this typical for her age or indicative of something more serious? Should I be doing anything other than encouraging her to see a therapist?

Your post is kind of sad. Does your daughter have friends from all walks of life? Do you have laughter in the home? Does your daughter do volunteer work?
Your daughter appears to have a very rigid perception of life which is pretty sad. I do not think this is typical of a 16 year old.

Does your daughter spend time around any seniors? I know a lot of seniors who would tell you their life is good.

[Anonymous]

Is your daughter in a faith community? Temple? Church youth group? Generally sense of purpose will come with a faith community and comes through service like the prior poster said.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, she’s kind of right

+2. She figured it out at a younger age than most people do.

Yup.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She isn't having suicidal thoughts and has never had them, but has been saying that life is boring, has no purpose, and is work.

She says that now is the best and most fortunate part of her life (being young, parents healthy, not having to work full-time) and says that life will only get worse as an adult: work, housework, little free time, losing family members, and possibly raising kids before old age, health issues, and mortality.

She has many close friends, does well academically, and participated in several activities outside of school before COVID. She saw a therapist for depression and ADHD from ages 12-14, but has not needed to for the past 2 years until now. I suggested seeing a therapist again, but she doesn't think it will help.

DH grew up low-income and believes that she is only feeling this way because she has a privileged life and that this is a problem for rich people. He pointed out that many people around the world live in poverty, work dangerous and low-paying jobs, or/and have health issues. He said that we should ignore this if it goes on. I feel that he is being overly harsh.

Is this typical for her age or indicative of something more serious? Should I be doing anything other than encouraging her to see a therapist?

I have a 15 year old daughter who had ADHD and social anxiety disorder who goes in and out of depressive moods. She too isn’t excited about her future, and wonders what the point is. She is on ADHD meds and anti-depressants. She hated going to a therapist because they pushed her rather than listening to her. Now she just has her psychiatrist who is much more the right speed for her.

1. The best thing you can do is LISTEN to her. Don’t give advice, don’t try to talk her out of her opinion. All you allow yourself to say is things like.....“It sounds like that really frustrates you.”. “Wouldn’t it. be great if ______________.” She just needs to get it off her chest. That’s all. Don’t try to solve it.
2. The other thing you can do is DO THINGS WITH HER. Not necessarily big things, just something routine that she likes. My daughter and I stay up late every night right now watching Downton Abbey. It’s our time together and it takes her away from her depressive thoughts and makes her more open to tell me when she is feeling down.
3. Do you have a FAMILY PET? Pet’s are AMAZING at helping depressive teens. We have two and she loves on them a lot and seems happier after doing so.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She isn't having suicidal thoughts and has never had them, but has been saying that life is boring, has no purpose, and is work.

She says that now is the best and most fortunate part of her life (being young, parents healthy, not having to work full-time) and says that life will only get worse as an adult: work, housework, little free time, losing family members, and possibly raising kids before old age, health issues, and mortality.

She has many close friends, does well academically, and participated in several activities outside of school before COVID. She saw a therapist for depression and ADHD from ages 12-14, but has not needed to for the past 2 years until now. I suggested seeing a therapist again, but she doesn't think it will help.

DH grew up low-income and believes that she is only feeling this way because she has a privileged life and that this is a problem for rich people. He pointed out that many people around the world live in poverty, work dangerous and low-paying jobs, or/and have health issues. He said that we should ignore this if it goes on. I feel that he is being overly harsh.

Is this typical for her age or indicative of something more serious? Should I be doing anything other than encouraging her to see a therapist?

I have a 15 year old daughter who had ADHD and social anxiety disorder who goes in and out of depressive moods. She too isn’t excited about her future, and wonders what the point is. She is on ADHD meds and anti-depressants. She hated going to a therapist because they pushed her rather than listening to her. Now she just has her psychiatrist who is much more the right speed for her.

1. The best thing you can do is LISTEN to her. Don’t give advice, don’t try to talk her out of her opinion. All you allow yourself to say is things like.....“It sounds like that really frustrates you.”. “Wouldn’t it. be great if ______________.” She just needs to get it off her chest. That’s all. Don’t try to solve it.
2. The other thing you can do is DO THINGS WITH HER. Not necessarily big things, just something routine that she likes. My daughter and I stay up late every night right now watching Downton Abbey. It’s our time together and it takes her away from her depressive thoughts and makes her more open to tell me when she is feeling down.
3. Do you have a FAMILY PET? Pet’s are AMAZING at helping depressive teens. We have two and she loves on them a lot and seems happier after doing so.

*has

[Anonymous]

Parents— do not dismiss your children’s legitimate feelings because you have jumped on the “privileged” life bandwagon.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would get her a therapist. I had these thoughts as a teen and became gradually more depressed and eventually suicidal. She needs help reframing some of her assumptions— ie, my teen years were definitely not the most satisfying of my life, and many things bring me more joy than being young and having people take care for me: autonomy, challenge, independence. I would take it seriously especially if her personality has gotten more flat or affectless.

Adding on: I’d consider an antidepressant too, if her therapist thinks she’s depressed. I think her outlook is worrisome in that if she sees no positive future or purpose, and sees only the negatives of adulthood, it’s easy to move from where she is now to suicidal thoughts. Particularly because she has a history of depression already. The late teen years are a vulnerable period and although I’m to some extent projecting from my own experience, I think she is at risk of self harm and would want to intervene before she goes off to college. Adulthood is actually a lot of fun at times and it sounds like she doesn’t see that and can’t imagine those possibilities for herself.

+1. It may very well be depression. Depression is not always a feeling of sadness. It call also be irritability, boredom, etc. To get her in the door to a therapist try NOT framing it as depression. Instead tell her -- the pandemic is a terrible time because we're all struggling with these feelings of what to do in life.... please talk to the therapist and identify what you can do that will be interesting to you -- goals you can set, what you'd like for university or gap year, volunteer work, etc. I (your parent) can't talk to you (my kid) about this because it will feel like I am telling you what to do even though that would not be my intent. As a parent, I can only say that you have a lot of great things to look forward to -- getting a job may have downsides but having money will allow you to do and buy things you want, losing friends and family is balanced by making friends and new family, etc. As a parent, I will support (within reason) new ideas about how you want to spend your time and new goals, activities, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She isn't having suicidal thoughts and has never had them, but has been saying that life is boring, has no purpose, and is work.

She says that now is the best and most fortunate part of her life (being young, parents healthy, not having to work full-time) and says that life will only get worse as an adult: work, housework, little free time, losing family members, and possibly raising kids before old age, health issues, and mortality.

She has many close friends, does well academically, and participated in several activities outside of school before COVID. She saw a therapist for depression and ADHD from ages 12-14, but has not needed to for the past 2 years until now. I suggested seeing a therapist again, but she doesn't think it will help.

DH grew up low-income and believes that she is only feeling this way because she has a privileged life and that this is a problem for rich people. He pointed out that many people around the world live in poverty, work dangerous and low-paying jobs, or/and have health issues. He said that we should ignore this if it goes on. I feel that he is being overly harsh.

Is this typical for her age or indicative of something more serious? Should I be doing anything other than encouraging her to see a therapist?

I have a 15 year old daughter who had ADHD and social anxiety disorder who goes in and out of depressive moods. She too isn’t excited about her future, and wonders what the point is. She is on ADHD meds and anti-depressants. She hated going to a therapist because they pushed her rather than listening to her. Now she just has her psychiatrist who is much more the right speed for her.

1. The best thing you can do is LISTEN to her. Don’t give advice, don’t try to talk her out of her opinion. All you allow yourself to say is things like.....“It sounds like that really frustrates you.”. “Wouldn’t it. be great if ______________.” She just needs to get it off her chest. That’s all. Don’t try to solve it.
2. The other thing you can do is DO THINGS WITH HER. Not necessarily big things, just something routine that she likes. My daughter and I stay up late every night right now watching Downton Abbey. It’s our time together and it takes her away from her depressive thoughts and makes her more open to tell me when she is feeling down.
3. Do you have a FAMILY PET? Pet’s are AMAZING at helping depressive teens. We have two and she loves on them a lot and seems happier after doing so.

*has

I agree with everything except the pet. We have a cat and dog and if it were up to dd we’d have neither. She thinks cats and dogs are smelly and disgusting. She hates having animal fur on clothing, couches, and the floor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Remember Mellancamp’s first big hit? Hold onto sixteen as long as you can....life goes on, long after the thrill of living is gone.

Back in the day when people learned the Baltimore Cathecism (or similar), kids were taught the purpose of life is to serve God. Other religions and cultures had similar views—that the purpose of life was to serve others, or be useful. Now, we frame everything in terms of “But are you happy?” I think if that is your life goal, it is a really hard life. Yes, moments of happiness are important. But chasing happiness as a state of being is perhaps not realistic.

Not only is it not realistic, it's impossible.

OP, I'm sad for your daughter. I bet she has everything in the world in terms of material goods, plus wealth and privilege. And yet, at an age that should be filled with optimism and hope and idealism, she says that life is boring and has no purpose. The "life is work" line is also problematic; since when is "work" a bad thing?

This PP is right. She needs to have her soul fed. As I hope that you and she eventually find out, that can only be done through a relationship with God.

Not everyone needs religion to have a meaningful life. I grew up in a secular home and never found life to lack meaning.