Daughter (16) saying that life is boring, has no purpose, is work

[Anonymous]

She isn't having suicidal thoughts and has never had them, but has been saying that life is boring, has no purpose, and is work.

She says that now is the best and most fortunate part of her life (being young, parents healthy, not having to work full-time) and says that life will only get worse as an adult: work, housework, little free time, losing family members, and possibly raising kids before old age, health issues, and mortality.

She has many close friends, does well academically, and participated in several activities outside of school before COVID. She saw a therapist for depression and ADHD from ages 12-14, but has not needed to for the past 2 years until now. I suggested seeing a therapist again, but she doesn't think it will help.

DH grew up low-income and believes that she is only feeling this way because she has a privileged life and that this is a problem for rich people. He pointed out that many people around the world live in poverty, work dangerous and low-paying jobs, or/and have health issues. He said that we should ignore this if it goes on. I feel that he is being overly harsh.

Is this typical for her age or indicative of something more serious? Should I be doing anything other than encouraging her to see a therapist?

[Anonymous]

Well, she’s kind of right

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well, she’s kind of right

+2. She figured it out at a younger age than most people do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, she’s kind of right

+2. She figured it out at a younger age than most people do.

+3. My kid has taken to saying that it’s all a scam. Hard to argue with her.

[Anonymous]

She's not wrong OP. She sounds very insightful.

It sounds like some therapy to help her find a calling or some hidden talent to help others may be helpful.

[Anonymous]

Your husband and daughter are both right, and no, it's not serious. My husband is a war refugee, and believes that anything that doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

I felt this way at her age, as a privileged middle class kid. I had ADHD, worked hard in school, and was socially isolated and probably a little bit depressed.

I would watch international news with her and talk to her about how engagement in various goals (political, scientific, social) can and will change the world, and how her contributions can help. I would explain that mysterious link between daily comforts and needing a career to be financially independent - money! I would ask what sort of day she'd like to have on the job, for it to be worthwhile. There is so much out there that's not a 9-5 desk job! I would help her identify her interests and passions and explore whether they can be parlayed into careers. Talk about what YOU thought at her age, and how you lived your young adult life (with editing if needed).

It's partly the pandemic, partly her age - teens feel overwhelmed at the transition from child to adult. That's very normal, and you should help her through it.

[Anonymous]

I remember a similar conversation with my parents at that age. Nothing interesting ever happens to me, there is nothing exciting in my life, my life has no overarching purpose. I think kids this age are prone to this sort of thing. They think they all need to be international spies, or Olympic swimmers.

[Anonymous]

I think it's really hard right now with social isolation and most everything shut down. Yes, life is hard work. But we are pretty fortunate in that we can influence our lives a bit. She will have to work hard, but she can also find ways to find meaning in her work. That's where we get satisfaction.

I did work at her age. As a lifeguard. That was a meaningful job to me in a way. Trying to keep people safe. And I went on to find public service work meaningful. That's me. She can find many different ways to feel relevant, to feel she's contributing to others, to see life has purpose.

And that's kind of what your husband is talking about. Working had a basic purpose. Keeping a roof over your head and food on the table. And many teens around here don't face that daily concern.

Help her map it out a bit. What matters to her. Free time? How does she craft an adult life that has free time? An enjoyable job? What does that mean to her? Show her how she has some control over this. We don't have full control. But we can push in the direction we want. If you empower her, she will feel less depressed. That goes for all humans.

[Anonymous]

She’s not wrong! Life gets more stressful as you get older.

It’s important to focus on gratitude to reframe her attitude. Take hikes in nature, explore beautiful places. research places to travel when this is all over. Talk about causes you and your family believe in. Read about people who have changed the world. Try to have family bonding time, which is hard with a teen. Ask her what makes her happy.

[Anonymous]

I was thinking the same growing up. It’s why I went into healthcare as a career, to help other people. To contribute to making the world a better place. Knowing that what I do makes an impact gets me through the hard reality of life. My advice would be to help her find a passion like that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She isn't having suicidal thoughts and has never had them, but has been saying that life is boring, has no purpose, and is work.

She says that now is the best and most fortunate part of her life (being young, parents healthy, not having to work full-time) and says that life will only get worse as an adult: work, housework, little free time, losing family members, and possibly raising kids before old age, health issues, and mortality.

She has many close friends, does well academically, and participated in several activities outside of school before COVID. She saw a therapist for depression and ADHD from ages 12-14, but has not needed to for the past 2 years until now. I suggested seeing a therapist again, but she doesn't think it will help.

DH grew up low-income and believes that she is only feeling this way because she has a privileged life and that this is a problem for rich people. He pointed out that many people around the world live in poverty, work dangerous and low-paying jobs, or/and have health issues. He said that we should ignore this if it goes on. I feel that he is being overly harsh.

Is this typical for her age or indicative of something more serious? Should I be doing anything other than encouraging her to see a therapist?

She sounds suicidal

[Anonymous]

Yes, life gets more stressful as an adult, but you also have more choices. You have the ability to choose your job, your spouse. and where you live. Teens can be very entitled And dramatic and our job as parents, is to show them the other side of life. Helping the less fortunate is often mind opening.

[Anonymous]

These sound like quarantine feelings. Life is boring right now because there isn’t much going on. It won’t be this way forever.

[Anonymous]

I would get her a therapist. I had these thoughts as a teen and became gradually more depressed and eventually suicidal. She needs help reframing some of her assumptions— ie, my teen years were definitely not the most satisfying of my life, and many things bring me more joy than being young and having people take care for me: autonomy, challenge, independence. I would take it seriously especially if her personality has gotten more flat or affectless.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would get her a therapist. I had these thoughts as a teen and became gradually more depressed and eventually suicidal. She needs help reframing some of her assumptions— ie, my teen years were definitely not the most satisfying of my life, and many things bring me more joy than being young and having people take care for me: autonomy, challenge, independence. I would take it seriously especially if her personality has gotten more flat or affectless.

Adding on: I’d consider an antidepressant too, if her therapist thinks she’s depressed. I think her outlook is worrisome in that if she sees no positive future or purpose, and sees only the negatives of adulthood, it’s easy to move from where she is now to suicidal thoughts. Particularly because she has a history of depression already. The late teen years are a vulnerable period and although I’m to some extent projecting from my own experience, I think she is at risk of self harm and would want to intervene before she goes off to college. Adulthood is actually a lot of fun at times and it sounds like she doesn’t see that and can’t imagine those possibilities for herself.