Daughter (16) saying that life is boring, has no purpose, is work

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What adulthood brings is choice. If she doesn’t want kids and a 9-5 job she doesn’t need them! She could be a surf instructor in Mexico and spend her life on the beach. Or she could be an artist, and life in a commune off the grid in the woods in Oregon. Or she could be an aid worker posted to a new international post every 5 years where housing and a car are part of the package. And she doesn’t need to know now what she wants to do. But if life is boring it is because that is what you have chosen. I have chosen boring in midlife after having a bit of a nomadic yearly adulthood, and am very happy with kids and a house and a job. But I didn’t have them for a long time, and she doesn’t need to, either. Help her see that she gets to create her life, a great privilege that most of the world can’t even imagine. I hope she feels better soon. This time isn’t easy on our teens!

This is a great point!

"A bit of a nomadic yearly adulthood" sounds like fun. I understand if you can't share for privacy reasons, but what did you do?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like your daughter has very good intuition and is very smart. She recognizes that life isn’t full of a bowl of cherries and things don’t come easy. She likely will not be one of those college bound students that pursues a worthless degree simply just to breeze through college. Hopefully she will find out what is her passion that will fulfill her happiness and hopefully pay well.

Actually the ones who “choose their passion” I.e. art, art history, history are the ones who end up as baristas.

There are options for these majors: law/business/grad school, etc.

[Anonymous]

I mean she’s not wrong.

[Anonymous]

I think it would help her to get a job or do some volunteer work. Unfortunately, this is the year of the pandemic so there aren't many options. When I was a teenager, my mother used to take me to the soup kitchen several times a year to serve meals. I was always kept busy the entire shift. It was very satisfying. Have you signed her up for drivers ed? It's something she can do this summer online that might make her feel productive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My 20 year has been saying this for at least 3 years. We have a good life, but he sees us a working nonstop to maintain it with little time for anything truly pleasurable in between. Can’t blame him, from the time kids his age starts kindergarten we start apply pressure to prepare them to deal with a competitive work world. And social media has speed up the growing up process, robbing them of their innocence. Is it any wonder that they feel unmotivated by life

I grew up watching my parents go through this. They worked in high-paying but soul-sucking corporate jobs for 35+ years. I remember my dad having panic attacks in the middle of the night over having to go to work the next day. He would often come home and take his stress out on everyone else. I remember my mom crying hysterically and getting physically ill over work stress. She sometimes would work 18 hour days and would often not even have time to watch 30 minutes of TV with me at night. In their minimal spare time, they would work on the house and yard to make sure that everything looked perfect. Although they are both retired now, sadly they can't even enjoy retirement because my mom was diagnosed with Stage 4 cancer back in 2018 at age 58. My dad spends most of his time bringing her to appointments and taking care of the house, because my mom goes crazy and yells if anything is out of sorts in the slightest. You would think that having cancer would have taught her not to sweat the small stuff, but it only made her compulsiveness worse.

Seeing their behavior led me to realize from the time I was your DD's age that my goal was not going to be material wealth and a high-status career but to be happy. My teaching job will never pay as much as their jobs did or have as much prestige, but at least I don't dread going to work and am helping people. Life is too short for a rat race and obsessing with perfection. My mom's illness has made me realize that even more. There's an increased chance I could get the same kind of cancer as her. My life may already be half over. Therefore, I sure as hell am not going to waste it in a job I hate and am only in for the money.

Interesting. When you mentioned that your mom sometimes worked 18 hours a day, I figured she must be a teacher. I’m a teacher and feel like your parents experience sounds similar to mine - except I don’t have the high income.

[Anonymous]

It can be overwhelming during the teen years to see adulthood coming soon and not being ready emotionally for the responsibility. Feeing sad and a little scared about childhood ending. It sounds like that’s what she’s feeling...that the fun is getting ready to end and the drudgery of adulthood to begin. Yes, there are the needs to work and earn money to support yourself and the responsibilities that go with being an independent adult. But with that also comes a wide world of opportunities and choices and experiences that she doesn’t get to choose and experience until she IS an independent adult. It’s something exciting to look forward to.

One of the biggest things you can do to help her is to stress that to her. And to reassure her that you’ll there whenever she needs to celebrate the good times and help her through any hard times. That she might be entering adulthood soon but she won’t be doing it alone.

[Anonymous]

I feel sorry for these teens today. They are trying to come into adulthood at an incredibly confusing time.

Everything that has made this country great for the generations of us before them is being stripped from them violently, and they are being lied to and told that it is wrong and bad and to hate themselves if they are a part of it. Religion? History? Family? Traditions? Hard work? Understanding the difference between right and wrong? Holding yourself and others accountable for their actions?

When that is gone, there will be nothing left. And kids your OP's daughter are the ones who will pay the highest price.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel sorry for these teens today. They are trying to come into adulthood at an incredibly confusing time.

Everything that has made this country great for the generations of us before them is being stripped from them violently, and they are being lied to and told that it is wrong and bad and to hate themselves if they are a part of it. Religion? History? Family? Traditions? Hard work? Understanding the difference between right and wrong? Holding yourself and others accountable for their actions?

When that is gone, there will be nothing left. And kids your OP's daughter are the ones who will pay the highest price.

My grandparents could’ve written your post 100 years ago.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, she’s kind of right

+2. She figured it out at a younger age than most people do.

Yup.

Absolutely. She's right and it just sucks that she figured it out so young instead of around 40 like the rest of us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel sorry for these teens today. They are trying to come into adulthood at an incredibly confusing time.

Everything that has made this country great for the generations of us before them is being stripped from them violently, and they are being lied to and told that it is wrong and bad and to hate themselves if they are a part of it. Religion? History? Family? Traditions? Hard work? Understanding the difference between right and wrong? Holding yourself and others accountable for their actions?

When that is gone, there will be nothing left. And kids your OP's daughter are the ones who will pay the highest price.

Can you elaborate on why "everything that has made this country great for the generations of us before them is being stripped from them violently"? Many people are religious. "Family," "traditions," "hard work," morality, responsibility...all of these still exist.

Teens in the 21st century do face unprecedented challenges, climate change among them. But many of them also have opportunities that earlier generations could have only imagined.

[Anonymous]

If she thinks quarantine is tiring, she has a rough life ahead of her

[Anonymous]

I am sorry, OP, I know this is distressing. My niece felt similarly. She started cutting, but hid it very well. She got therapy, but nothing changed until she went on a service trip to Guatemala and began working with folks there. It was as if she started to get better immediately. She is now happy, a junior in college and doing very well. She goes to Guatemala several times a year - to help, or to teach art. And she just formed a US part of a nonprofit. I think she had to find her passion. I hope that your DD does the same.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If she thinks quarantine is tiring, she has a rough life ahead of her

She's concerned about the future.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel sorry for these teens today. They are trying to come into adulthood at an incredibly confusing time.

Everything that has made this country great for the generations of us before them is being stripped from them violently, and they are being lied to and told that it is wrong and bad and to hate themselves if they are a part of it. Religion? History? Family? Traditions? Hard work? Understanding the difference between right and wrong? Holding yourself and others accountable for their actions?

When that is gone, there will be nothing left. And kids your OP's daughter are the ones who will pay the highest price.

Can you elaborate on why "everything that has made this country great for the generations of us before them is being stripped from them violently"? Many people are religious. "Family," "traditions," "hard work," morality, responsibility...all of these still exist.

Teens in the 21st century do face unprecedented challenges, climate change among them. But many of them also have opportunities that earlier generations could have only imagined.

Yeah I don’t think teens in the 1920s were too optimistic about the future either. Or teens in the mid nineteenth century

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel sorry for these teens today. They are trying to come into adulthood at an incredibly confusing time.

Everything that has made this country great for the generations of us before them is being stripped from them violently, and they are being lied to and told that it is wrong and bad and to hate themselves if they are a part of it. Religion? History? Family? Traditions? Hard work? Understanding the difference between right and wrong? Holding yourself and others accountable for their actions?

When that is gone, there will be nothing left. And kids your OP's daughter are the ones who will pay the highest price.

Can you elaborate on why "everything that has made this country great for the generations of us before them is being stripped from them violently"? Many people are religious. "Family," "traditions," "hard work," morality, responsibility...all of these still exist.

Teens in the 21st century do face unprecedented challenges, climate change among them. But many of them also have opportunities that earlier generations could have only imagined.

Yeah I don’t think teens in the 1920s were too optimistic about the future either. Or teens in the mid nineteenth century

"Teens" didn't really exist as a demographic in the mid nineteenth century, so it's not comparable.

OP, your daughter is right that adulthood is a lot more work--but there's also a lot more autonomy and choice! If she doesn't see the appeal of that...