EX-DH spanked our 6y old

[Anonymous]

Taking the bike away might work for you in normal times. But taking a bike away for two days right now takes away one of only a few methods of exercise right now. I would not take exercise outdoors away as a punishment, especially right now. I have a 7yo and she’s not perfect but if she went out of the area she was supposed to AND then ignored and biked away I would be livid. I think what DH did was ok in this situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here,

No she just not have delays, she’s a great kid most of the time, but she does however like to be in control. I’m sure this was her trying to control the situation (how far she went, when she came back) She has always been this way.

Well she took it too far this time. Do you see that? How do you feel about the situation now that you’ve heard from others?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here,

No she just not have delays, she’s a great kid most of the time, but she does however like to be in control. I’m sure this was her trying to control the situation (how far she went, when she came back) She has always been this way.

Well she took it too far this time. Do you see that? How do you feel about the situation now that you’ve heard from others?

She is a child and the parent is in control. She needs to learn this. Yout ex-DH is parenting and letting DD know he's in charge. The fact she's always been this way doesn't make it acceptable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here,

No she just not have delays, she’s a great kid most of the time, but she does however like to be in control. I’m sure this was her trying to control the situation (how far she went, when she came back) She has always been this way.

Sure, that's pretty obvious. She's reacting to the strange situation that we all find ourselves in, and she's trying to gain control by acting out. That she's going for dangerous acting out is the problem.

Since her reaction to being triggered is defiance, she's going to be triggered more and more as this social distancing period stretches on. Check out resources on parenting defiant child to help her manage her triggers. Here's one: https://www.verywellfamily.com/how-to-handle-defiant-children-620106

^^Good advice going forward.

I never spank. My SIL only spanked for things like this ("the extreme reaction/pain will shock them/the pain would be worse if they touched fire or got hit by a car"), and her logic seemed sound to me before I had kids. I now believe it is a suboptimal response (at best), and should not be planned for-- should not be something people keep in their back pockets to deploy in even extreme situations. I further believe that in these cases that also inherently really, really anger or scare parents, parents are looking, even if only subconciously, to offload their fear/rage... and that's part of why they "choose" to spank.

But all that blabbity blab aside, I think what happened-- which cannot now be changed-- is about 75% understandable reaction/the kid will be okay, and only 25% he added fuel to a fire/anxiety to an anxious time.

THAT said, of course he needs other ways of dealing with frustration generally, and with similar situations. See the quoted comment. An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It was warranted. If she is a known challenging child then this may help her get how serious her defiant and dangerous actions were.

Defiant children are usually the least willing to change their behavior as a result of spanking.

Then defiant child is in for a tough life until they can move out and support themselves. It's called parenting.

[Anonymous]

Spanking a child is never okay. If you were living in Sweden, your husband would have been arrested.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Abuse in domestic situations will grow because of the pandemic

This was not abuse

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Spanking a child is never okay. If you were living in Sweden, your husband would have been arrested.

Well they don't live in Sweden so how does that matter?

[Anonymous]

See, as kids we would have never kept riding our bikes when a parent sad stop. We knew there would be serious consequences. You can do all the talking and safety lessons you want, kids are illogical and I’m not saying kids should fear their parents but a little fear in situations like this is warranted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Taking the bike away might work for you in normal times. But taking a bike away for two days right now takes away one of only a few methods of exercise right now. I would not take exercise outdoors away as a punishment, especially right now. I have a 7yo and she’s not perfect but if she went out of the area she was supposed to AND then ignored and biked away I would be livid. I think what DH did was ok in this situation.

I disagree. Taking away the bike now would get the kid's attention. Two days of no bike will not affect her health. She could still walk holding her father's hand if she can't be trusted not to run.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Long story short, I think ExDH is struggling with the kids ages 6 and 8 on his weekends, since normally they are packed full of soccer practices, play dates, he takes them a lot of places on the weekend too. I think it’s easiest for him when he keeps our kids buys.

Apparently yesterday the kids were riding bikes in front of his house. They were told to stay within sight. DD ride too far where my EX could barely see her and he yelled for her to come back and she ignored and kept going. He had to chase after her and she thought it was funny making him run after her. He didn’t feel like she was taking what she had just done seriously, so as he walked her back inside very upset he spanked her. My DD told me her version of this phone, and then my ex told me his version. I’m very upset because this is already a traumatic time, he doesn’t need to be adding to the trauma. We do not spank and this certainly in my opinion did not warrant that strong of reaction. I would have just taken the bike for a couple of days and talked about safety. I’m worried this is going to become a pattern since your youngest DD can be quite a challenge. What can I do?

Why did you marry him? Did you not know him?

[Anonymous]

Hitting a child is never ever ok.

Not even spanking!

If he didn't like her behavior he could have handled this differently and if he touches her at all again you need to call the police.

It doesn't matter how "soft or light handed" it's still hitting and touching another person. Horrible parenting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We don’t spank either, but what your dd did was dangerous and required a response that would convey the gravity of the situation and the requirement that she obey her father. This is not something I would hold against him unless he spanked her hard enough to cause bruising or injury. As long as she is physically okay, do not undermine your ex by indicating that he is the one who made the bigger mistake in this situation.

Np +1

I don’t think you realize the seriousness of this situation, OP. Your daughter clearly didn’t, which is why she laughed at him afterwards. Her father may well have saved her life by doing that.

Taking a bike for a couple of days is something we do with our 4 & 6 year olds when they talk back or make us wait when we’re getting ready to go for a ride. It is nowhere near appropriate for this offense, and if you understood that then I don’t think your daughter would be the handful she is. We have boys with ADHD and they’d never pull something like this because they know they’d be in very serious trouble..

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:See, as kids we would have never kept riding our bikes when a parent sad stop. We knew there would be serious consequences. You can do all the talking and safety lessons you want, kids are illogical and I’m not saying kids should fear their parents but a little fear in situations like this is warranted.

Yeah.. Way way too much chit chatting with young kids going on as "parenting" nowadays

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here,

No she just not have delays, she’s a great kid most of the time, but she does however like to be in control. I’m sure this was her trying to control the situation (how far she went, when she came back) She has always been this way.

Everybody likes to be in control and everybody needs to learn there are times they can't be in control and have to submit to somebody else's control. There is a reason the law puts parents in control of 6 year olds, and it's for the child's safety.

As bad as the safety risk by biking too far, laughing at Dad instead of listening to his warning compounded the issue. Assuming that your DH did not injure your child with the spanking since you only seem concerned about emotional trauma, I think his response in the situation was appropriate.

What I don't think is appropriate is your response? Why aren't you concerned that your daughter did something that could be far more dangerous than a spanking? Why aren't you concerned that instead of respecting any authority (parent, teacher, babysitter, etc.) in charge of keeping her safe, she laughs at them? Why aren't you concerned that the tiny tyrant is playing these power games?

You need to coordinate with your ex-husband instead of undermining him. If you support him, your daughter may be more likely to respect him, reducing the need for future spankings. Tell your daughter that the child is not in control of parents or other authorities, but needs to do as they tell her (unless it's dangerous or wrong).
Coordinate with your husband and come up with a united front for your daughter. (Ex. If she rides out-of-bounds at her Dad's she will lose her bike when she gets back to her house.) Do not be your daughter's enforcer to put her in power over her father. Aside from making his life difficult (which may at times seem appealing), it gives your daughter the wrong message that she is entitled to control of her world (unless you're trying to create a self-centered bully), and will encourage additional limit-pushing (think of risky behaviors she could engage in as a teen).