EX-DH spanked our 6y old

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I have three kids and have never spanked. This is one area where the research is unanimous - spanking hurts more than it helps.

That said, I think the fact that your daughter called you to complain, and that you listened to your ex’s side of the story - as though he were your daughter’s sibling — says a lot about your own failings as a human being and as a parent.

Whether you like your ex or not, he is an adult who is parenting a child. He has as much right as you to parent his daughter. Your daughter was disrespectful to him and did something dangerous, and your only response is to focus on his response?

You are not being a parent here. You are being a controlling ex-wife who is being disrespectful to your ex-husband and undermining his relationship with his daughter.

I agree that spanking is not the best response, but perhaps that’s the best way your husband knew to get her attention. Your post was focused on making your ex wrong and getting people to agree with you that he should be labeled a bad parent. Most people disagree with you, because your post makes it clear that you are immature and controlling.

You need to figure out how to grow up and co-parent respectfully. Your daughter is only going to get more out-of-control given the way you are parenting. Get some help as a family. Especially get help on parenting.

I agree. Op owes her ex an apology and needs to start co-parenting like a mature adult. I feel for her DH needing to deal with an ex-wife who is difficult to co-parent with.

This. It also sounds like child is playing the mother and playing the father and used to getting away with things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I ran out into the street to get a ball when I was 4 and almost got hit by a car. My mother spanked me hard. It caught me completely off guard and I still remember that day. My mom was crying and it set me straight. I didn't completely get the risk factor but I got the message that this was a really really big deal (spanking and mom crying) and I didn't ever do it again.

My brother ran out in the street and did the same and Mom spanked. Mom was not a spanker. Believe me none of us ever ran into the street again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I have three kids and have never spanked. This is one area where the research is unanimous - spanking hurts more than it helps.

That said, I think the fact that your daughter called you to complain, and that you listened to your ex’s side of the story - as though he were your daughter’s sibling — says a lot about your own failings as a human being and as a parent.

Whether you like your ex or not, he is an adult who is parenting a child. He has as much right as you to parent his daughter. Your daughter was disrespectful to him and did something dangerous, and your only response is to focus on his response?

You are not being a parent here. You are being a controlling ex-wife who is being disrespectful to your ex-husband and undermining his relationship with his daughter.

I agree that spanking is not the best response, but perhaps that’s the best way your husband knew to get her attention. Your post was focused on making your ex wrong and getting people to agree with you that he should be labeled a bad parent. Most people disagree with you, because your post makes it clear that you are immature and controlling.

You need to figure out how to grow up and co-parent respectfully. Your daughter is only going to get more out-of-control given the way you are parenting. Get some help as a family. Especially get help on parenting.

I don’t think that’s fair. OP did say she got his side and is understandably upset by his reaction and is posting this part. She clearly believes her daughter did something dangerous and wrong. Making this about disliking her ex is projection. I don’t see anything controlling about objecting to physical punishment.

[Anonymous]

OP you need to support the father on this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Long story short, I think ExDH is struggling with the kids ages 6 and 8 on his weekends, since normally they are packed full of soccer practices, play dates, he takes them a lot of places on the weekend too. I think it’s easiest for him when he keeps our kids buys.

Apparently yesterday the kids were riding bikes in front of his house. They were told to stay within sight. DD ride too far where my EX could barely see her and he yelled for her to come back and she ignored and kept going. He had to chase after her and she thought it was funny making him run after her. He didn’t feel like she was taking what she had just done seriously, so as he walked her back inside very upset he spanked her. My DD told me her version of this phone, and then my ex told me his version. I’m very upset because this is already a traumatic time, he doesn’t need to be adding to the trauma. We do not spank and this certainly in my opinion did not warrant that strong of reaction. I would have just taken the bike for a couple of days and talked about safety. I’m worried this is going to become a pattern since your youngest DD can be quite a challenge. What can I do?

Daughter could have been killed. What husband did was appropriate. Let things go and move on with your life.

This OP. Team ex-DH here. The spanking might have taught her a lesson.

My DD 7 was trying to show off and go fast in her bike with the neighborhood kids. I was at our doorstep. She was on the sidewalk at the corner of our cul de sac a few houses down and was going to cross the road. There was a Fedex truck in our cul de sac, she did not see him start moving, I was screaming at her to stop and she didn't listen and started moving right in front of the truck while the truck was moving too. Thankfully the truck (these guys are usually brash and driving fast in our neighborhood) stopped either because of my screams or because he saw her. She crossed the road. After that I screamed at her and asked her to get back inside. I did not care what the neighbors who were outside thought of me yelling at her. I took away her bike and told her she will get it when she is more responsible. No spanking here but she heard a earful from me. Its been 2 weeks since she rode that bike.

Every time I think about it it scares me (her laughing and just going in front of the truck). Worst part is I am not usually outside when she rides her bike with the other kids but stood outside that day just for a little while. I keep thinking what if I wasn't there and did not scream so loud for her to stop. I think I am yet to recover from that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Long story short, I think ExDH is struggling with the kids ages 6 and 8 on his weekends, since normally they are packed full of soccer practices, play dates, he takes them a lot of places on the weekend too. I think it’s easiest for him when he keeps our kids buys.

Apparently yesterday the kids were riding bikes in front of his house. They were told to stay within sight. DD ride too far where my EX could barely see her and he yelled for her to come back and she ignored and kept going. He had to chase after her and she thought it was funny making him run after her. He didn’t feel like she was taking what she had just done seriously, so as he walked her back inside very upset he spanked her. My DD told me her version of this phone, and then my ex told me his version. I’m very upset because this is already a traumatic time, he doesn’t need to be adding to the trauma. We do not spank and this certainly in my opinion did not warrant that strong of reaction. I would have just taken the bike for a couple of days and talked about safety. I’m worried this is going to become a pattern since your youngest DD can be quite a challenge. What can I do?

Daughter could have been killed. What husband did was appropriate. Let things go and move on with your life.

This OP. Team ex-DH here. The spanking might have taught her a lesson.

My DD 7 was trying to show off and go fast in her bike with the neighborhood kids. I was at our doorstep. She was on the sidewalk at the corner of our cul de sac a few houses down and was going to cross the road. There was a Fedex truck in our cul de sac, she did not see him start moving, I was screaming at her to stop and she didn't listen and started moving right in front of the truck while the truck was moving too. Thankfully the truck (these guys are usually brash and driving fast in our neighborhood) stopped either because of my screams or because he saw her. She crossed the road. After that I screamed at her and asked her to get back inside. I did not care what the neighbors who were outside thought of me yelling at her. I took away her bike and told her she will get it when she is more responsible. No spanking here but she heard a earful from me. Its been 2 weeks since she rode that bike.

Every time I think about it it scares me (her laughing and just going in front of the truck). Worst part is I am not usually outside when she rides her bike with the other kids but stood outside that day just for a little while. I keep thinking what if I wasn't there and did not scream so loud for her to stop. I think I am yet to recover from that.

This is why 7 year olds still need supervised.

OP, we don't spank per my wishes. I would be ok with my husband doing it in a situation like yours. In your case, Dad has a right to parent his way on his time and you on your time. You are no longer married and get to control what happens on his time. He sounds like a very involved Dad. He did what he thought was best and it was a one time thing. You can go after him via CPS, who will not do anything without marks or bruises, and they will blow you off as an angry parent in a custody battle. Otherwise, since you've seen this behavior, when she comes home, she writes an apology to Dad and another consequence in your house to make it clear the behavior was not ok.

[Anonymous]

100% team DH.

[Anonymous]

Wow DCUM - self isolation has done some good! 6 pages of posters primarily supporting a man / father is not something I would ever thought I would see on here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here,

No she just not have delays, she’s a great kid most of the time, but she does however like to be in control. I’m sure this was her trying to control the situation (how far she went, when she came back) She has always been this way.

No... I have one who likes to be in control. He wouldn't have laughed and treated it like a game. He would have been mad that someone else tried to control what he was doing.

If you don't back up her father, you are adding to the problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow DCUM - self isolation has done some good! 6 pages of posters primarily supporting a man / father is not something I would ever thought I would see on here.

There've been many threads where most posters support the father.

[Anonymous]

People are getting fed up with badly behaved/neglected children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Long story short, I think ExDH is struggling with the kids ages 6 and 8 on his weekends, since normally they are packed full of soccer practices, play dates, he takes them a lot of places on the weekend too. I think it’s easiest for him when he keeps our kids buys.

Apparently yesterday the kids were riding bikes in front of his house. They were told to stay within sight. DD ride too far where my EX could barely see her and he yelled for her to come back and she ignored and kept going. He had to chase after her and she thought it was funny making him run after her. He didn’t feel like she was taking what she had just done seriously, so as he walked her back inside very upset he spanked her. My DD told me her version of this phone, and then my ex told me his version. I’m very upset because this is already a traumatic time, he doesn’t need to be adding to the trauma. We do not spank and this certainly in my opinion did not warrant that strong of reaction. I would have just taken the bike for a couple of days and talked about safety. I’m worried this is going to become a pattern since your youngest DD can be quite a challenge. What can I do?

She disobeyed him in every way and deserved a damn good hiding!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I have three kids and have never spanked. This is one area where the research is unanimous - spanking hurts more than it helps.

That said, I think the fact that your daughter called you to complain, and that you listened to your ex’s side of the story - as though he were your daughter’s sibling — says a lot about your own failings as a human being and as a parent.

Whether you like your ex or not, he is an adult who is parenting a child. He has as much right as you to parent his daughter. Your daughter was disrespectful to him and did something dangerous, and your only response is to focus on his response?

You are not being a parent here. You are being a controlling ex-wife who is being disrespectful to your ex-husband and undermining his relationship with his daughter.

I agree that spanking is not the best response, but perhaps that’s the best way your husband knew to get her attention. Your post was focused on making your ex wrong and getting people to agree with you that he should be labeled a bad parent. Most people disagree with you, because your post makes it clear that you are immature and controlling.

You need to figure out how to grow up and co-parent respectfully. Your daughter is only going to get more out-of-control given the way you are parenting. Get some help as a family. Especially get help on parenting.

I don’t think that’s fair. OP did say she got his side and is understandably upset by his reaction and is posting this part. She clearly believes her daughter did something dangerous and wrong. Making this about disliking her ex is projection. I don’t see anything controlling about objecting to physical punishment.

I don't know where you get that. OP clearly believes her EX did something wrong. This is what OP says of her daughter's behavior
"she’s a great kid most of the time, but she does however like to be in control. I’m sure this was her trying to control the situation (how far she went, when she came back) She has always been this way." In other words giggle, throw up your hands, and say "It's just how she is!"

[Anonymous]

I would spank for that, too. It's unsafe and she ignored him and the rules.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I have three kids and have never spanked. This is one area where the research is unanimous - spanking hurts more than it helps.

That said, I think the fact that your daughter called you to complain, and that you listened to your ex’s side of the story - as though he were your daughter’s sibling — says a lot about your own failings as a human being and as a parent.

Whether you like your ex or not, he is an adult who is parenting a child. He has as much right as you to parent his daughter. Your daughter was disrespectful to him and did something dangerous, and your only response is to focus on his response?

You are not being a parent here. You are being a controlling ex-wife who is being disrespectful to your ex-husband and undermining his relationship with his daughter.

I agree that spanking is not the best response, but perhaps that’s the best way your husband knew to get her attention. Your post was focused on making your ex wrong and getting people to agree with you that he should be labeled a bad parent. Most people disagree with you, because your post makes it clear that you are immature and controlling.

You need to figure out how to grow up and co-parent respectfully. Your daughter is only going to get more out-of-control given the way you are parenting. Get some help as a family. Especially get help on parenting.

I don’t think that’s fair. OP did say she got his side and is understandably upset by his reaction and is posting this part. She clearly believes her daughter did something dangerous and wrong. Making this about disliking her ex is projection. I don’t see anything controlling about objecting to physical punishment.

I don't know where you get that. OP clearly believes her EX did something wrong. This is what OP says of her daughter's behavior
"she’s a great kid most of the time, but she does however like to be in control. I’m sure this was her trying to control the situation (how far she went, when she came back) She has always been this way." In other words giggle, throw up your hands, and say "It's just how she is!"

+1 that the OP doesn’t get it.

I actually feel sorry for the dad. Can you imagine what he needs to deal with??