What grade would you give your parents and what’s the worst things they did

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m reflecting on the bar many of us hold ourselves to vs the parenting we had.

For example - id give my parents an A. I felt loved and secure, my mom spent time doing silly science experiments with us and create these amazing amazing bday parties. Both attended our events and worked very hard to give us opportunities to be well rounded people exposed to the broader world. As adults we all love each other, talk regularly and joyfully spend holiday together and plan family vacations together

However

My mom occasionally raged over who knows what (now I see it was frustration with my dads career marginalizing her own ambitions) and my brother and would go sprinting into our rooms, locking the door, and hiding under the beds terrified while she pounded on the door screaming “you f-ing b, get out here” (she never put a hand on us)

And my dad was military and emotionally checked out much of the time and I honestly have no recollection of whether he was home for most weeknight dinners or not

I feel like I hold myself and my husband to an impossible ideal my parents never lived up to yet when I think critically I think my parents did a really really good job and were human and all the good and bad that entails. And then I try to relax a little that despite my sometimes being human, my kids won’t just be fine, they’ll be some of the lucky ones (as I feel I was)

You gave them an A ?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:F

My parents sent my sister in her early twenties to live with a great uncle while she was to do an internship in a city they did not live in. They knew he was a sex offender.


They never had any money and always were more concerned about faking it than anything else.

Rasist, judgemental, angry explosive people.

Your sister was in her 20s? They couldn't have "sent her" anywhere--she was an adult and could do as she pleased. If they suggested she stay there, and your sister agreed, that's on your sister.

[Anonymous]

Mom- A-/B+. She would’ve been A+ if she had stood up to my dad more instead of staying silent while he verbally abused us, always making excuses for his behavior (he had a difficult childhood).
Dad- C. Negative, grumpy, sarcastic, critical, judgmental, sometimes mean. Verbally abusive at times.

[Anonymous]

I'd give your mom an F. She sounds abusive and mentally unstable.

[Anonymous]

A

My parents were relatively strict, but joyful and supportive. They created a happy, stable home, met all our needs (a feat with 5 kids), and raised us all to be kind, contributing members of society who are still close. They managed a good combination of not making us the center of the universe (maintaining lives beyond the kids and not being over-involved/controlling) while still creating a sense that we were profoundly loved and could always count on them to be there when we needed it.

Most of the ‘bad’ stuff was minor and products of their upbringing. A bit too much Catholic guilt, some spankings with a wooden spoon when they were young and overwhelmed with toddlers, squashing some personal expression in ways that I think weren’t helpful (my mom was very strict about fashion and boys), but all in all, I can’t complain.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:D and F

My parents got pregnant and married before finishing high school. They had seven kids. My father was around less and less before finally disappearing pretty much altogether. Eventually the house became full of garbage from top to bottom and dog and cat feces. We had no heat in the winter except for a space heater in one bedroom where we all slept (this was in New Jersey). We had no functional kitchen appliances and would leave food on the back porch in the winter to keep cool. I distinctly remember my mother ripping off the tiles in the living room ceiling one winter and burning them in the fireplace to keep warm. At one point she ballooned to 300 pounds and stayed in bed for 5 years without leaving the house. This is just the surface.

I became a partner in Biglaw before retiring early. Most of my siblings managed to do well also. One became the mayor of my home town. I could write a book. "Running with Scissors" had nothing on me.

Wow, this is heartbreaking to read. I’m so impressed wit you and your siblings’ successes despite coming from nothing.

Thanks. Yea, it wasn't easy. And what I wrote just scratches the surface. Holes in the roof that were so big that the ceiling didn't only leak in the rain -- it snowed in the house in the winter. It was pretty incredible. What's even more bizarre is that we lived in a solidly middle class town and , looking back, it's obvious that a lot of people knew what was going on and didn't do anything about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:D and F

My parents got pregnant and married before finishing high school. They had seven kids. My father was around less and less before finally disappearing pretty much altogether. Eventually the house became full of garbage from top to bottom and dog and cat feces. We had no heat in the winter except for a space heater in one bedroom where we all slept (this was in New Jersey). We had no functional kitchen appliances and would leave food on the back porch in the winter to keep cool. I distinctly remember my mother ripping off the tiles in the living room ceiling one winter and burning them in the fireplace to keep warm. At one point she ballooned to 300 pounds and stayed in bed for 5 years without leaving the house. This is just the surface.

I became a partner in Biglaw before retiring early. Most of my siblings managed to do well also. One became the mayor of my home town. I could write a book. "Running with Scissors" had nothing on me.

Wow, this is heartbreaking to read. I’m so impressed wit you and your siblings’ successes despite coming from nothing.

Thanks. Yea, it wasn't easy. And what I wrote just scratches the surface. Holes in the roof that were so big that the ceiling didn't only leak in the rain -- it snowed in the house in the winter. It was pretty incredible. What's even more bizarre is that we lived in a solidly middle class town and , looking back, it's obvious that a lot of people knew what was going on and didn't do anything about it.

Wow! That is amazing you and your siblings were able to rise above your upbringing. Hats off to you all. You are a true testament of hope and perseverance.

[Anonymous]

I’d say a B. We had very little money growing up but my parents were careful to shelter us from that reality and not expose us to adult situations and problems. They were great at stretching food and money to make sure we always had food in the cabinets, the utilities weren’t cut off, gas in the car, etc. We also grew up in a town where this was pretty normal so we definitely weren’t seen as the “poor kids” in school. They made sure we were close to our grandparents and extended family, so there was always someone at our school events and performances and sports. And they gave us a good Catholic upbringing and I’m still pretty strongly religious as a result, so I definitely credit them for that.

The bad: they were both spankers bordering on physically abusive. I realize that’s how they grew up, but my dad was in education and my mom worked at a day care and they never made any effort to stop beating their own kids. I can’t even remember the first time I was spanked so I’m assuming I was 2-3? They seemed to have no control over themselves at times and would fly off the handle at us kids for any minor infractions. Then when we got older and they stopped hitting, it was just constant victim-blaming when I was heavily bullied in school. “They do it because you (wear glasses/like to read/aren’t athletic/etc.)” and they’d never go to bat for me. They contacted the school in 5th grade and the school sent me to the guidance counselor who told me I have low self esteem. My mom hit menopause when I was in late high school and essentially hated having me around, but would also ground me for weeks and give me the silent treatment if I wasn’t home from school on time or if an outing with my friends took longer than expected. It was incredibly immature behavior and I can’t imagine acting that way to my kids when they become teens.

[Anonymous]

My childhood had so much chaos, it's difficult to grade. My biological father died when I was 3, so I have no memories of him. I was told by my mother that he was a very good man, so hopefully he was an A.

If I could grade from where my memory begins, I would give my mother an A in intent and a D in execution. As a single mom, she seemed to do well for awhile- I remember being happy. Then she joined a cult like faith and met the man that would be my stepfather 5 weeks later. He had 3 boys and we all lived together in a trailer. It was your typical poverty childhood, with the good parts- I learned to cook and value real food from our garden, homemade bread, etc. The bad was 5 years of abuse from my srepbrothers, bullying at school, and absolutely no advocates in my young life. I never once felt I could talk to anyone at home. It was a sad thing, because my mom was funny, loving, and calm- but she was so entrenched in her new marriage and faith, she didn't notice her lonely daughter with bruises or how much I tried to spend my days in the woods or locked in my room with books.

When I was a teen and misbehaving a bit, her church proceeded to have "talks" with me that were "tell us what you did with this boy, in detail" instead of " do you need help?" . My family failed me by not asking me if anything was wrong- I would have told them if I felt it was safe. Instead, I was punished and restricted, after years of sexual and physical abuse.
So they get an F and a D for apathetic neglect.

My stepfather was a mild guy that told dumb jokes, but he also liked to beat my brother with a belt. I don't recall him ever beating his own children, who were much worse and were beating my brother and I up almost daily.

I told my mother everything when my own daughter was 2. She never apologized. We talk occasionally, but it is like talking to a distant cousin. I've mourned the mother I could have had my whole adulthood, and struggle with the regret and guilt.

However, I am close with my own grown daughter. I tried hard to learn from my childhood and become a kind person.

[Anonymous]

C-

My basic needs were met for the most part (housing, food, sometimes clothing.) My parents were very big on us kids having private music lessons, to the point where other things we needed (adequate clothing) didn't always happen.

They were physically abusive at times (my dad once slapped me so hard it broke my front tooth) when I would talk back. Also they were emotionally abusive (my mom would often tell me that I should "go walk the streets like your whore cousin Melissa" (Melissa was actually HER cousin that had a baby out of wedlock) if they thought I was talking back to them. In general I was a pretty good kid (got good grades, didn't smoke,drink, do drugs, etc.) but apparently I talked back too much.

They put their own wants over our (my siblings and me) safety sometimes. They wanted to take trips alone to far away places (Hawaii, Europe) but didn't have a family member/trusted sitter to watch us. So they literally just hired random women without properly vetting them.

One was a 22 year old single woman who had 3 boyfriends (who didn't know about each other.) She watched us for about a week while my parents went to Europe, and the men rotated on various nights. Some nights her best friend and the best friend's boyfriend also slept over, and some nights the boyfriends' friends slept over. I was 13 at the time and as a parent now I think it's really awful that there were so many random young men spending the night like that. She also took us out one night and stopped at a bar and had us wait in the car while she had a few drinks, then drove us home.

After that, you'd think they (my parents) would have learned a lesson, but 3 years later they went to Hawaii and hired another random lady, this time an older woman. She decided she didn't want me staying out late on the weekend; I was in the high school marching band and it was mandatory for me to go to the football games, which ended late at night (and she was aware of this and that it was mandatory!) The babysitter locked the deadbolt on the front door so I couldn't get in the house when I came home that night (I came home immediately after the game.)

Even more than the physical and emotional abuse, i think those two babysitters were the worst things my parents did, because they put their desire for a luxury vacation ahead of the basic safety of their kids.

[Anonymous]

A+ They have been great role models starting with them having a very loving relationship. They both had successful careers but they were always available for us. There was never any drama unless we screwed up which thankfully wasn’t that often. Now they are retired and they are wonderful grandparents. My dad is a former big company CEO but now he is better known as a pre-school chauffeur and I love hanging out with my mom. Lastly, they are incredibly generous and invest a lot of time and money helping others. And they are very generous with us. I know I am blessed.

[Anonymous]

I’m giving both my parents an A+. Everything wasn’t perfect but I always knew they loved me and my siblings and my childhood has very few negative memories. We were lower class but I never felt that way. They always managed to make sure we had decent clothes everyday and even some nicer things for special occasions. My cousins were UMC, were always dressed up and acted a bit snooty. I was always grateful for my family. I lost my dad when I was 39 and my mom 2 years ago. I miss them so much everyday and hope they knew how much I loved and respected them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m giving both my parents an A+. Everything wasn’t perfect but I always knew they loved me and my siblings and my childhood has very few negative memories. We were lower class but I never felt that way. They always managed to make sure we had decent clothes everyday and even some nicer things for special occasions. My cousins were UMC, were always dressed up and acted a bit snooty. I was always grateful for my family. I lost my dad when I was 39 and my mom 2 years ago. I miss them so much everyday and hope they knew how much I loved and respected them.

I’m sure they know!

[Anonymous]

A-.

My mother was a functioning alcoholic. I didn’t even find out until I was in 8th grade. She would drink after we went to bed and then go to work with a hangover in the morning. That was the main problem. My parents both worked but always made it to our sporting events, performances, volunteered at school, etc. Very involved. We also took lots of family trips, lived close to extended family, had a pet, had home cooked meals, etc. Also, they had a happy marriage. So on paper, really wonderful parents. However, I never really felt like I could go to my mom with anything and our house was a bit ...cold. No real affection shown to the kids, and she was so freaking uptight about certain stuff that it gave me anxiety. Now I know that some of that Was likely due to her drinking, but it was still hard.

[Anonymous]

A solid A! I was one of seven kids and we were MC but with seven kids money was always tight but we always had food on the table and clothes on our back and we knew we were loved. We had a lot of medical problems that were all curable but the pressure on my parents must have been severe. Almost every night we had a family dinner in our dining room which I realize now was very special. They rarely spent money on themselves because they were saving for college and we all had very good educations with low amounts of debt. They taught all of us the value of hard work and earning your own way and we have all been successful and we’ve all been married 20+ years with no divorces. To all of us it was clear they were very much in love until the day they died. I have pictures of them all over the place so I think of them every day.