What grade would you give your parents and what’s the worst things they did

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A.

We were spanked. We did not get what we wanted. They did not give into crying over rules we broke and got in trouble for. They had regular date nights without us. Today we are so close and I love them so much. I think it is utter crap that people on this board seem to think any amount of discipline and/or putting the parents’ marriage and needs before that of the child is abusive or somehow bad. We grew up respectful and my parents’ marriage is happy and intact today because it was the core foundation of our family.

Respectful? Respectful people don’t tell other people their feelings are ‘utter crap’. Letting your children starve, beating the sh1t out of them, etc IS abusive. Did you read all the posts or just look for ones that fit your narrative? Your parents don’t deserve an A if this is what you’ve become.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:D and F

My parents got pregnant and married before finishing high school. They had seven kids. My father was around less and less before finally disappearing pretty much altogether. Eventually the house became full of garbage from top to bottom and dog and cat feces. We had no heat in the winter except for a space heater in one bedroom where we all slept (this was in New Jersey). We had no functional kitchen appliances and would leave food on the back porch in the winter to keep cool. I distinctly remember my mother ripping off the tiles in the living room ceiling one winter and burning them in the fireplace to keep warm. At one point she ballooned to 300 pounds and stayed in bed for 5 years without leaving the house. This is just the surface.

I became a partner in Biglaw before retiring early. Most of my siblings managed to do well also. One became the mayor of my home town. I could write a book. "Running with Scissors" had nothing on me.

Wow, this is heartbreaking to read. I’m so impressed wit you and your siblings’ successes despite coming from nothing.

I would say their success were directly due to the mistreatment. NP here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would love to see what your children will.sau about you in 25 years? Believe me, they will not consider you perfect or even close

Huh? Nothing in this thread suggests anyone thinks of themselves as perfect parents.

I'm one of the PP that had an abusive childhood. I've noticed folks that say things like this are either unfamiliar with what a bad childhood feels like and have no empathy, or are in denial of thier own bad childhood. I spent decades trying to deal with the abuse piled on me as a child. I'm very flawed as a parent, but I'm pretty sure my 22 year old daughter loves me. We have a great relationship, and I'm surely not going to act how my mother did .

One thing I did that my mother didn't do- I apologized when I screwed up.

I'm grateful I can actually semi function and be a parent after my childhood. I'm grateful that my child and I have a special bond. It makes up for a lot. But believe me- I'm not grateful that I don't have a real mom. If you haven't been in my/our shoes, PP, you've no idea the pain.

[Anonymous]

I was born in 1965 and my parents were born in 1935 and 1936. THinking about it in retrospective, I think that many of the people from my generation were probably raised by people with pretty serious PTSD. Our parents were children during WW II and our dads later fought in Vietnam and Korea, and honestly thinking about it now, I remember a lot of 'running and hiding' when Dad came home at night because he would be drunk and angry and abusive. I remember knowing that we couldn't play at Billy's house because his dad was CRAZY when he got home from work, and just thinking it was normal that most people's dad's drank and screamed. And we were middle-class! I imagine it was even worse if you were poor.

I also remember thinking it was normal that it was our JOB not to "bother daddy." None of us actually expected our fathers to play with us, or take an interest in us or our studies or our activities, what we wanted for Christmas, when it was our birthday.

I say all this not to suggest that this was good or healthy. I think my dad deserves an F as a parent and my mom an F for enabling him. Even now she will tell me that my kids don't respect me, whereas we were "terrified" of my dad when we were growing up. Terrified is her word, and she thinks of this as a point of honor, like good parents raise kids who are terrified of their parents. But I do find myself having some compassion for them.

Also, remember, if you were born in the 1960's it was before Roe v. Wade so a lot of people probably ended up with kids and husbands, unlike our generatin where at least we're allowed to choose. I would imagine have a wanted marriage and wanted children probably makes a lot of things better.

[Anonymous]

A. My parents were always loving and stable. We had a very affectionate household and were solidly MC, so no money issues. I'm still very close to them. The one negative that sticks out is they had a hard time accepting a gay sibling, my brother. However, they never stopped loving him and he was always welcome. It was just more behind the scenes that they had a hard time with his sexuality. Otherwise, I feel very lucky to have them. I have two teens now and let me tell you, it's hard. But thankfully I had a good role models. I need to go thank them for putting up with me as a teen!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would love to see what your children will.sau about you in 25 years? Believe me, they will not consider you perfect or even close

Huh? Nothing in this thread suggests anyone thinks of themselves as perfect parents.

I'm one of the PP that had an abusive childhood. I've noticed folks that say things like this are either unfamiliar with what a bad childhood feels like and have no empathy, or are in denial of thier own bad childhood. I spent decades trying to deal with the abuse piled on me as a child. I'm very flawed as a parent, but I'm pretty sure my 22 year old daughter loves me. We have a great relationship, and I'm surely not going to act how my mother did .

One thing I did that my mother didn't do- I apologized when I screwed up.

I'm grateful I can actually semi function and be a parent after my childhood. I'm grateful that my child and I have a special bond. It makes up for a lot. But believe me- I'm not grateful that I don't have a real mom. If you haven't been in my/our shoes, PP, you've no idea the pain.

Even if our experiences differ, it’s natural to feel empathy for someone who suffered. Something is wrong with people like the previous PP who choose to insult the victim.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A.

We were spanked. We did not get what we wanted. They did not give into crying over rules we broke and got in trouble for. They had regular date nights without us. Today we are so close and I love them so much. I think it is utter crap that people on this board seem to think any amount of discipline and/or putting the parents’ marriage and needs before that of the child is abusive or somehow bad. We grew up respectful and my parents’ marriage is happy and intact today because it was the core foundation of our family.

Respectful? Respectful people don’t tell other people their feelings are ‘utter crap’. Letting your children starve, beating the sh1t out of them, etc IS abusive. Did you read all the posts or just look for ones that fit your narrative? Your parents don’t deserve an A if this is what you’ve become.

Yawn

[Anonymous]

My parents were great and I do my best as a parent and as a spouse to live the life they did. They weren’t perfect but they loved each other and their children and we always knew we were their #1 priority.

[Anonymous]

Dad, A-. He was flawed--a functional alcoholic and a product of the 1940s in the South. I grew up with a fair amount of casual racism and homophobia that I had to unlearn as an adult. But as a father he was generous, kind and attentive and when I was with him I always felt heard, loved and valued. Which saved me from a mental health perspective because my mom was (and is) a completely self-absorbed narcissist. She was bitter, sarcastic and always finding fault, and as a teenager she left me entirely to my own devices--no supervision, no structure, no guidance. My parents were divorced by then and lived with my mom, so from about age 12 I basically raised myself. And in many ways found myself parenting her. I was always fed, clothed, sheltered and had health care, however, so I'll call it a C.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dad, A-. He was flawed--a functional alcoholic and a product of the 1940s in the South. I grew up with a fair amount of casual racism and homophobia that I had to unlearn as an adult. But as a father he was generous, kind and attentive and when I was with him I always felt heard, loved and valued. Which saved me from a mental health perspective because my mom was (and is) a completely self-absorbed narcissist. She was bitter, sarcastic and always finding fault, and as a teenager she left me entirely to my own devices--no supervision, no structure, no guidance. My parents were divorced by then and lived with my mom, so from about age 12 I basically raised myself. And in many ways found myself parenting her. I was always fed, clothed, sheltered and had health care, however, so I'll call it a C.

I could have written this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A.

We were spanked. We did not get what we wanted. They did not give into crying over rules we broke and got in trouble for. They had regular date nights without us. Today we are so close and I love them so much. I think it is utter crap that people on this board seem to think any amount of discipline and/or putting the parents’ marriage and needs before that of the child is abusive or somehow bad. We grew up respectful and my parents’ marriage is happy and intact today because it was the core foundation of our family.

Respectful? Respectful people don’t tell other people their feelings are ‘utter crap’. Letting your children starve, beating the sh1t out of them, etc IS abusive. Did you read all the posts or just look for ones that fit your narrative? Your parents don’t deserve an A if this is what you’ve become.

Yawn

Couldn’t think of something more original? How boring.

[Anonymous]

My parents were awesome but when we were on a summer trip out west when I was about 15 they were in the room next to us in a very dumpy place with thin walls and there was no doubt what they were doing even to a 15 year old. I still remember my mom at breakfast the next morning asking how we had slept.

[Anonymous]

I almost answered in detail but then was like, “I am so grateful I still have my folks, even if there are some things left to be desired.” I guess in a nutshell, there were some blurred boundaries around who was the parent and who was the child, in that I would try to make up for or help them make up for their own shortcomings, but maybe that was my problem and not theirs. A different child might have experienced it in another way, so who’s to say? I was never abused or neglected (aside from during a brief brush with addiction), almost always felt loved, so judging from others’ responses, I feel I was decently lucky.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:B-. They both did their best, but they didn't really teach us anything beyond being hard on us on doing good at school and getting into college. No life lessons, no stories from the childhood. But, they provided us a good home, good environment, no physical or verbal abuse.

Doing well, you mean. Maybe they deserve a C-.

[Anonymous]

Solid A.
They did the very best they could under extremely difficult financial circumstances as my father had to support extended family as well as us in just his modest income. I now feel sad comparing my life to my parents and realizing how much they missed out on in their prime.
The only negatives were that they were both extremely conservative and overprotective and it was particularly irksome during our teens.