Wife expects me to be "on" after a work trip

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why can’t you sleep in a hotel room? I would have no sympathy if my husband got a quiet room to himself with zero interruption and “couldn’t sleep”

There isn’t any reason you shouldn’t come back rested. Next time take an ambien or a Xanax

Female here, and I don't sleep well in hotel rooms either. Zero interruption is a fantasy - have you never stayed in a hotel? People have parties in hotels, there are kids, there are people who have loud sex or sound like they are stomping around. On top of that, the surroundings aren't familiar; it isn't your bed, your pillows, your environment, etc, so relaxation is already hard. To say that flights are not comfortable is an understatement, even if you are flying first class. Many people on travel party for sure, but I would say even more people are working 12-14 hours a day.

That said, I agree that OP needs to take over child care after being gone. I think a better solution, however, if they could afford it, is to outsource some childcare for the days that he is traveling.

You need to get better at staying in hotels! Download a white noise app, it's FREE. Get an eye mask. Buy some ear plugs. Take a unisom. Works pretty well. Not perfectly, but pretty good.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you have control of which hotels you stay at, find a chain with mattresses that agree with you. Some hotel chains let you request feather free rooms if the feathers disagree with you. There is also melatonin and leaving the TV off. You need to seriously problem solve why you're not getting good sleep while traveling for work.

Also, stick with a chain & get status. Most of them will have a companion CC that will give you a bump up in status so look into that. Then when you check-in, tell the attendant that you have small children at home and politely ask if they can put you in a quiet room so you can parent when you get home. With the double whammy of status plus a nice plea, you'll probably get moved to a quieter room.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why can’t you sleep in a hotel room? I would have no sympathy if my husband got a quiet room to himself with zero interruption and “couldn’t sleep”

There isn’t any reason you shouldn’t come back rested. Next time take an ambien or a Xanax

Op here. This caught my eye and I totally agree but being an office nurse or using her nursing degree in other ways that would enable her to work only 9-5 is of no interest to her. "Floor nursing is who I am" is a common quote in our house. I would be very supportive of another job but I also understand thats not something worth exploring.

Wait, you want your wife to change jobs because you can’t manage to sleep in a hotel room?? Bring your favorite blanket and pillow and figure out how tonget some sleep!

[Anonymous]

Not team wife or team OP. It's a rough time period for both of you with your work schedules. I think just lots of coffee the next day.

[Anonymous]

OP get the non addictive sleeping pills, hotel problem solved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why can’t you sleep in a hotel room? I would have no sympathy if my husband got a quiet room to himself with zero interruption and “couldn’t sleep”

There isn’t any reason you shouldn’t come back rested. Next time take an ambien or a Xanax

Female here, and I don't sleep well in hotel rooms either. Zero interruption is a fantasy - have you never stayed in a hotel? People have parties in hotels, there are kids, there are people who have loud sex or sound like they are stomping around. On top of that, the surroundings aren't familiar; it isn't your bed, your pillows, your environment, etc, so relaxation is already hard. To say that flights are not comfortable is an understatement, even if you are flying first class. Many people on travel party for sure, but I would say even more people are working 12-14 hours a day.

That said, I agree that OP needs to take over child care after being gone. I think a better solution, however, if they could afford it, is to outsource some childcare for the days that he is traveling.

My DH is a terrible traveler, terrible hotel sleeper, and mostly terrible sleeper in general. I absolutely love the couple times a year where I travel for work. I don't mind the uninterrupted work time and I certainly don't mind sleeping in a hotel. I bring earplugs, make the room super cold, and use a white noise app. I sleep like I'm in a coma. All I wanted during those crazy years with young babies, a full-time job, and little sleep was a night away at a hotel by myself. I understand other people are different. However, my DH knows better than to come home from a few days of solo hotel sleep (however compromised), comped meals, and zero kid or house responsibilities and expect to have the time to rest and reacclimate. Nope. Pretty glad OP has seen the error of his ways.

[Anonymous]

See if you can train yourself to sleep with a mask and ear plugs. Try it at home. If you can learn it, it’s a very good skill for travel. Also watch your caffeine/alcohol intake on the road.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why can’t you sleep in a hotel room? I would have no sympathy if my husband got a quiet room to himself with zero interruption and “couldn’t sleep”

There isn’t any reason you shouldn’t come back rested. Next time take an ambien or a Xanax

Female here, and I don't sleep well in hotel rooms either. Zero interruption is a fantasy - have you never stayed in a hotel? People have parties in hotels, there are kids, there are people who have loud sex or sound like they are stomping around. On top of that, the surroundings aren't familiar; it isn't your bed, your pillows, your environment, etc, so relaxation is already hard. To say that flights are not comfortable is an understatement, even if you are flying first class. Many people on travel party for sure, but I would say even more people are working 12-14 hours a day.

That said, I agree that OP needs to take over child care after being gone. I think a better solution, however, if they could afford it, is to outsource some childcare for the days that he is traveling.

You need to get better at staying in hotels! Download a white noise app, it's FREE. Get an eye mask. Buy some ear plugs. Take a unisom. Works pretty well. Not perfectly, but pretty good.

I wear ear plugs; they don't block all noise. I take melatonin, and it kinda helps with the jet lag but I still wake up in the middle of the night. I'm not doping myself up with ambien or Xanax - that's insane. I've tried stuff like Benadryl, and I wake up groggy on it. For me it isn't a good idea to sleep with eye mask unless I don't care if I wake up groggy the next day. I need light to wake me up (so I usually sleep with blinds mostly drawn but not completely so some sunlight can peek in).

I try to pack light, so I can bring 1 pillow, but don't often have room for it in my luggage. There's nothing I can do about the hotel mattress. Most hotel mattresses suck, and my work won't pay for high end hotels with nice mattresses. There is nothing I can do about how uncomfortable flights are, and there is nothing I can do about working long hours.

My point is that posters here make it sound like work travel is a vacation. Maybe it is for some people, but it isn't for me... and I'm guessing - most people!

[Anonymous]

Of course it's not a vacation, but neither is being home with wakeups. He should just ... parent when he's home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Let your wife commute for three days between her nursing job and a hotel while you handle everything else. After those three days are up, you continue to handle all of the nighttime wakings for another three days so she can catch up on her sleep after being in the hotel.

THIS then please come back and update us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She is right. She has been on the entire time you are gone. Give her a break!

He has been on too. Working.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why can’t you sleep in a hotel room? I would have no sympathy if my husband got a quiet room to himself with zero interruption and “couldn’t sleep”

There isn’t any reason you shouldn’t come back rested. Next time take an ambien or a Xanax

Female here, and I don't sleep well in hotel rooms either. Zero interruption is a fantasy - have you never stayed in a hotel? People have parties in hotels, there are kids, there are people who have loud sex or sound like they are stomping around. On top of that, the surroundings aren't familiar; it isn't your bed, your pillows, your environment, etc, so relaxation is already hard. To say that flights are not comfortable is an understatement, even if you are flying first class. Many people on travel party for sure, but I would say even more people are working 12-14 hours a day.

That said, I agree that OP needs to take over child care after being gone. I think a better solution, however, if they could afford it, is to outsource some childcare for the days that he is traveling.

You need to get better at staying in hotels! Download a white noise app, it's FREE. Get an eye mask. Buy some ear plugs. Take a unisom. Works pretty well. Not perfectly, but pretty good.

I wear ear plugs; they don't block all noise. I take melatonin, and it kinda helps with the jet lag but I still wake up in the middle of the night. I'm not doping myself up with ambien or Xanax - that's insane. I've tried stuff like Benadryl, and I wake up groggy on it. For me it isn't a good idea to sleep with eye mask unless I don't care if I wake up groggy the next day. I need light to wake me up (so I usually sleep with blinds mostly drawn but not completely so some sunlight can peek in).

I try to pack light, so I can bring 1 pillow, but don't often have room for it in my luggage. There's nothing I can do about the hotel mattress. Most hotel mattresses suck, and my work won't pay for high end hotels with nice mattresses. There is nothing I can do about how uncomfortable flights are, and there is nothing I can do about working long hours.

My point is that posters here make it sound like work travel is a vacation. Maybe it is for some people, but it isn't for me... and I'm guessing - most people!

Fair enough.

If she is gone for, say three nights, and you are alone taking care of the kids while working and sleeping at home -- what would your expectations of her involvement be, when she gets home?

Would you do three days and nights alone with the kids, and then expect her to sleep through the next two or three nights when she returns? Honest question.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Of course it's not a vacation, but neither is being home with wakeups. He should just ... parent when he's home.

Not debating whether OP should or should not parent. I'm just saying it's a tough situation for both, and that work travel isn't a vacation.

I'll take my own kid's wakeup anytime, rather than deal with a party animal or someone else's kid or kids on a flight or in a hotel.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She is right. She has been on the entire time you are gone. Give her a break!

He has been on too. Working.

They were both working. Back to 50/50 when he comes home.

[Anonymous]

All 3 of your kids should be sleeping through the night.
Fix this and the problem will be solved.